Staring Brat 2 has now also vanished from the website lists.  This has happened a few times, however, and it has been temporary and usually at the weekend every time, so I am not entirely convinced.

So, since he is off doing something more productive, today is a good day to talk about celibacy.

Surprisingly, for someone who has made repression my inspiration and because of this, rather a preoccupation, I have been celibate for six or seven years.

At the time, I made the decision not to persist with my previous relationships as they were time-consuming, a bit negative and were a link to a life I had left behind in order to make the necessary developments I felt I had to make because of my grand passion for Wolfe.

I could have persisted in a rather masculine sex as sport kind of way, but I am a very honest person, and I did not feel that this was a good use of time.  I would much rather be thinking than doing anything else, and other people tend to corrode your flow somewhat. A great example of this is with pre-dementia and brain altered states.  You frequently find yourself spending less and less time with some friends, because it quite literally makes you crazy.

Sex, especially as it involves personalities you may otherwise not wish to spend any time with, is quite bad for this.

The last partner I had was a rigger called Mark, who was rather good at rope work, yet appalling at verbal communication.  This got annoying very fast, as I am afraid caring is a 24 hours job and it is simply not convenient to be pandering to a silent person’s fantasies whilst you are on call. He was at the end of a long chain of exs, whom I had been involved with almost thirty years previously.  They were all very helpful around lifting heavy items but not very clued up that time had passed and they were not dealing with a sixteen year old any more.

I would like to say I was sorry to see them go, but alas I was not.  I have not been at my most productive recently, due to the dearth of randiness involved in grieving and being very angry about my mother’s death.

Strangely when I actually met Wolfe, I was poised for flight throughout, not because of anything he was doing, but because I feared what I would say.  I think I probably got a long story across very quickly, and so we have a long term truce situation pending my actually getting my act together.  Hopefully things are settling sufficiently that this year will be a little more productive in that direction.  As I was saying to a former friend, the Wolfe story is a love story, rather than a sex story, so it doesn’t have to have an end really.  It isn’t like I am likely to fall in love with America any time soon.

So, I am in the very odd situation of apparently being very charged, with the outlet for the battery being creative rather than sexual.  This seems to be very hard for some people to understand.  I guess it is a bit like being a unicorn or a fairy.

Anyway, as someone who has had a great number of high stress relationships, I cannot recommend being single highly enough.  More people should take it up, for longer periods.  My belief is that if you do finally meet someone worthwhile, it makes you far more generous as a partner as a result of knowing yourself better.  It is far easier to present a considered approach when you have that extra bit of emotional work and self-knowledge to draw upon.  It also makes you self-evaluate things like jealousy before expressing them.  Most jealousy is just a primal waste of time, and very negative. As a means of expressing something else, it is amusing, but only to a third party.  Apart from that, it is a time-wasting bore.

I think also it is easier to let go of things.  I could have assumed that Staring Brat 2 was more significant, for example, as the attraction was uniquely strong, but thankfully I am not a trusting soul, nor do I get angry about things that don’t actually matter, particularly at work.

Anyway, I think there always ought to be something bigger in your life.  Without something bigger, your relationships can turn sour on the basis that they have more centrality in your life than they really should. Anyone can get laid.  Not everyone can build an empire.

Aww, Staring Brat 2 is the only one still staring at the website after only three days of post recycling.  Happy Birthday to me.

I will be spending it working, since I now have a job with overtime at last.

Since I appear to have ripened somewhat late in life, I will be spending it alone despite having had a great deal of attention paid to me in the last week or so.  I have had the choice of a twenty something drunk, a thirty something shy geek (he is probably in the actual running, since I rather like shy geeks and he is very cheeky)  and yet another gym bunny.

Why I have such appeal for gym bunnies is a mystery, since I am clearly not a gym bunny.  My vitality is much like my mother’s and is powered by chocolate, ginger and a lot of greenery. I do not particularly like muscles, but apparently they like me.

I also walk six to nine miles per day, although this is rather time consuming and the sooner I get my weight down far enough to run the better.  Showers at work are a thing now, so that makes life a bit better in that respect.  I do spend around three hours on walking at the moment, and this is likely to increase unless I can up the speed.  I am up to three miles an hour without a problem, but I do see lighter people speeding past me, so I have a long way to go.

A couple of interesting jobs in the pipeline.  One has fairly massive earning potential but look as if it may be quite monotonous, and one is at a useful angle in terms of developing a couple of my new projects. We shall see what happens.  I may end up working from home yet.

I have drawn the conclusion from the frisson of male interest that Staring Brat 2 and I have something fairly important in common, despite our many differences, and I do not share this characteristic with any of the other people showing interest.  It makes me question my aversion to taking things at face value when otherwise attached people show interest in me, since I am aware that trying to pretend that you are something you aren’t is largely futile.  Unless Staring Brat 2 is stupid, he will know what I mean eventually. It will be too late for us to do anything about it, but that’s OK.  I couldn’t live with myself if I caused the inevitable break-up if he decides to be happy.

Anyway, it couldn’t be worse than last year, when I discovered after years of personal change, that the love of my life was married.  That was a bombshell.

Twisty has been vile again this year, so I do not think he will survive this time. I am gutted that I let Boris down, although I hope it will make no difference to his triumph and that he can forgive my somewhat chaotic year.

The glow and twinkle are back, in the meantime, and I am quite enjoying my dull job, together with more down-to-earth people who do not know or care what I do when I am not there.

What a strange age to be, to suddenly be so appealing?  I can only say to other women of my age group – get out there, there seem to be a lot of neglected younger men that need our attention!

It has now been 8 weeks since I was unfairly terminated over a non existent relationship that failed to happen over a 7 week period.

The bank and management noobs involved are still obsessing over the website.  Evidently I made an impression.

They are still trying to hit posts that were removed weeks ago.  One of them consists of two sentences and a nice graphic of one finger.

Meanwhile, I have come up with a solution which would suit everyone, even the vile couple.

This is the difference between a leader and some followers.  I am about a hundred miles further away from this.

This tendency to look at things too closely is what makes people stupid.  I am constantly thankful for my alternative career.

I do miss him though, even though he doesn’t actually do anything apart from stare and get annoyed.  This is silly.  I have met some very nice, calm down to earth people who know nothing about my alter ego, and life is much less fraught now.

I have made some very good contacts recently, so I do have other things to do, however I am still driven to make sure that 1.  SB2’s career doesn’t get destroyed because of the company he keeps. and 2. Staff get to have some peace and dignity in the future.

I am so sorry that isn’t good enough for you all. Perhaps you should move somewhere more bitter and inane.

“You see the real problem is that you are too bright, too experienced, too fat to be dated without some questions being asked and you don’t seem to be sufficiently ashamed to be kept in your place. You need to understand that you are nothing, you will always be nothing, because if you are nothing we feel like we are something. That is the real reason.”

Nobody will actually ever say that, of course, they will continue to invent mansplaining reasons why I am never to be given a break and why being bereaved simply means I am open to more abuse from increasingly stupid people.

I would like to encounter somebody who is actually capable of resolving problems, not more blaming me and moving on with substandard and unfair behaviour. The real shame is that I am still vulnerable to this bullshit.

I am tired of listening to stories about other people’s problems.  I would like the problems other people have caused me to be resolved and I would like some assurance that there will be no repeat of behaviour like this ever. It is not acceptable.

This is looking increasingly unlikely, and I have rarely, if ever, been surprised.  I watched two unrelated groups of nurses make assumptions and murder my mother to demonstrate that this is how the world works.

Not surprisingly I have very low expectations, and they are getting lower by the day.

I don’t see why I should be an enabler of stuff like this.

I’m tired of being told that people with twenty years less work experience are worthy of deciding what I can and cannot do for a living, and I am tired of people who cannot read a CV, never mind make judgements on who does what.

I am tired of no nice surprises.

I am tired of caring.

It may be a false alarm, but I got a day off from Staring Brat 2 today.  Perhaps the English wife managed to persuade him to concentrate on producing some tiresome kids instead.

I was chatting to a friend about something else, and found myself saying this was all these people were likely to do with their lives, so my interest in what they are doing is extremely limited.

Why?  People go through their life stages in the order they do because they are told to conform.

Born, childish when children, teenage rebellion, getting a job, getting married, having kids, feeling old, then becoming old and dying.

It simply does not occur to people that there is an alternative to this.  They persist in watching TV and they are told what to want, what to buy and what the expectations are at their age.

I am very glad that I was born to a father that questioned everything.  I definitely got that gene.  I am not sure how the other three managed to miss that small point.

Even telling people about the risks associated with a brand of water has caused the fear recently.  I informed someone at work about the heavy metal content of a popular brand, and was met with slight contempt.  People who conform are so conditioned to accept that anything branded is what it says it is that showing them how many lies they are told is actually hazardous.

Amusingly, this manifested in Twisty this week, when he unexpectedly came across a Wolfe video.

“He looked – juicy.  He must be on some sort of drug.”

“Yeah, probably a health food related drug.  The dude eats well.”  I replied.

Twisty witnessed me losing 160lb and pretended not to notice.  He then witnessed my mother going from death’s door to as well as she possibly could be whilst the NHS continued to hound me as a witch for burning and he still thinks the NHS are there to heal people.

I dragged him back here, because his health was again in decline, and restarted pineapple, mullein and coffee.  He is now able to sleep again.  When is he going to take the hint?  He has been witnessing my little miracles for years now.

People believe whatever shit they want to believe.  They are a waste of time as a rule.

The website has been rather battered by the nasty stuff that has happened over the last few months.  Without the pests at the previous company, there are very few regulars left.

So, it is time to again rebuild Ina, and see what can be done to reverse this sad trend.  I was rather upset by this last episode, and only just made it out for a walk yesterday.  When I looked in the mirror today I looked as if I had been battered.

This leads me to the conclusion that people are to be ignored rather than being deserving of any care or affection.  This is a gift from Staring Brat 2, which he imparted via the lies of omission and general maliciousness, however I am glad that my core is now freezing cold. It will make it much easier in the weeks ahead.

Twisty was talking about comics again today, so we went over what he remembers about childhood comics:

Male comics consisted of tales of adventure, finding treasure, bonhomie, fighting off the bad guys, being a good egg, generally looking outwards and forwards.

Female comics consisted of crying, being beaten to induce shame, over-valuing friendships, worrying about how you looked.

“OK, so everything you have just said relates to genitals.”  I said.

“I don’t understand what you mean?” He looked confused.

Everything the boys do is pointing outwards, acquisitive, positive, everything the girls do is about shame, not being too proud but trying to persuade the world to be nice to you by being humble and yet well presented.

You see, because I decided at a very early age that I was not at all interested in any of that, my mother knew she was out of her depth.  She tried at various points to understand me, but it was not until my father died that she understood that I was basically him all over again.  Kind of genderless, in many respects.

Twisty would have you believe that I am very girly.  I would say that he is more girly than I, and in tests of brain gender, we have proved over and over that he is the girl and I am the man of our friendship.  I would like to say that this is progressive, but it probably isn’t.

Meanwhile, at work, we have three generations represented in the training group:

Millennials, who will readily accuse you of an ism, and yet don’t appear to know anything about agism and had to be told in no uncertain terms yesterday.

A boomer, who looks like an old man but is only five years older than me, which was a bit of a shocker.

Me, Generation X.  I had to explain why millennials don’t buy houses to the boomer this morning.  Sigh.  Generation X had about 60 percent of the problems millennials have, and it was no less embarassing and frustrating for us as we were too embarrassed to admit it.

I have, however, no patience for agism.  My mother was just killed by agism, and I am tired of stupid people. I went for it yesterday.  I would like to say I had some say in whether I dealt with it, but I really didn’t.  Similar to the Staring Brat 2 situation, the red mist descended and I dealt with them in no uncertain terms.

So, as my search for work continues, I am making a point of mentioning my managerial ability, which I have never done in the past.  Fuck being humble.  I am tired of being stomped on by morons.

I have a few days left to decide if I am going to move from this job to a job where I never have to see anyone again.  It all depends on a further opportunity that came up today, and on a few high level people I am in discussion with at present.

Apart from that, I am delighted for Boris.  I will have my t shirt made forthwith, lovely boy.

Ina

Today was slightly better, but it remains to be seen if this is doable long term.  I am also being considered for a techy thing that I am fully capable of doing but I think I would benefit from company training as it is media related.

I seem to have acquired a friend, although he is probably about 20, which is rather hilarious. From the sublime to the ridiculous, this is the second time since I turned 40 that this has happened. I am sure his mother will be delighted LOL

Now, when I was 35 this was probably OK, because when I was 35 I was still into emo metal, computer games and had only just stopped drinking and smoking.  Now it is just hilarious.  It is nice to be timeless however.

Speaking of which, we have a dude in this group who is so obsessed with age that I am on the point of saying something.  We had another full day of his wish to off everyone over 70 today.  This is the future.  People who cannot see past the end of their nose.

Anyway, I have cheered up somewhat, although life in the short term looks rather bleak and full of hours and hours of work.  I do like time pressure though, I always get more done when there is only two hours to do it in.

Speaking of which…..

So, we were thrashing out why I am still thinking about Staring Brat 2 this evening.  Twisty was concerned that I would want to go to the event earlier as he may turn up.  I didn’t, for much the same reason.

I think it was the need to control me the minute he had a way of doing it that bothered me the most.  Twisty, probably correctly, has mentioned that he thinks the root of his problem is cultural.  He has, however, been in the UK for a decade or so, so why he is pretending to be from Morocco (and dresses like a French Moroccan when in the mood to be admired) I do not know as he was Indian.

This need for controlling my apparently unruly sexuality via the medium of bitching about emails and any possible conversation with a fellow adult who had very good reason for avoiding verbal interactions is extremely disturbing, and it makes it very unsafe for anybody dealing with him.  I stopped speaking to the dude sitting next to me fairly early on as I assumed that he was being made his bitch and regarded him as unsafe, and I believe the dude, who was Pakistani and had been told that SB2 was Moroccan, thought much the same about me until the last week, when he immediately became less unreasonable the minute he knew there was a problem between SB2 and I, although this was unspecified at the time as I was still stupidly protective of him.

I spoke to my Hindu friends online about the issue, as the differing surnames on the companies house listing confused the issue a bit, but they clarified that this was not unusual.  Apparently lying and conning people is not unusual either.  Why this would be necessary, I again do not know as I had resisted quite a few attempts to create drama by this time, which, like everything else, annoyed him.  Apparently being a man involves being controlling, aggressive and making it impossible to communicate at all.

You could put this down to immaturity and the desire for frightened admiration, or you could decide he is just an evil little shit.  I would say that is a personal decision.  I ran him through my narcissism filter, and he came up as too inadequate, so I would stick with my original assumption that he is just suffering from extreme CPTSD.  I have encountered quite a few cases now, and it is, unlike narcissism, curable.  I do hope that his wife managed to get the book, as it might save him eventually if he decides to work on it.

I am a very nice person, and I did not cause harm to any of the people concerned, nor did I ever intend to.  All they had to do was leave me alone, but apparently this was not possible.  Instead they had to neutralise a perceived threat to their fragile and incompetent leadership roles.  This makes no sense at all, since I wasn’t even particularly brilliant at the job at hand, mainly due to the stress.

Today, on facebook, one of the gazillion American authors publicly shamed a tasteless and stupid man who had offered to tickle her cervix.

Yes it is a repulsive line, and no I wouldn’t like it either, but personally I would block, possibly report and leave it at that.  She responded that as a good Christian, she was used to better treatment.

“Why don’t you just grow up and sort your shit out like an adult? We don’t need to know about yet another asshole?”  was my response.  Immediately several men, rather right wing Yanks as it turned out, clicked like.

I do not usually have right wing Yank supporters, however they are responding to the concept.  We are nurturing a generation of whinging wimps, who cannot manage their way out of a paper bag, refuse to think for themselves, and who take out their inadequacy on other people, most especially people who can think for themselves as they are a threat to them.  This is true fascism, where you encourage the mob to turn on people rather than facing up to your own failings.

I explained exactly what had happened to me to one of these men.  He immediately came back with a story of being hounded out of his job on the grounds of anxiety depression.  It took him over a year to get back to the same point on the employment ladder.

It is likely that I will take a shorter period, as the previous job was neither well paid, nor particularly great in terms of prospects.  Even the one I’m doing is better, and it isn’t very good either.  I have a couple of better ones in the pipeline and have secured a bad permanent one for later next month, however the overall effect of three stupid little boys having a laugh at the expense of my job and finances was for me to do the following:

1. Seek work from home or at night to avoid other people, as they are clearly toxic.
2. Seek work from anywhere, at any rate, to avoid penury.
3. Spend 6 weeks doing nothing apart from applying for work.
4. Question, over and over again whether there was anything I could have done differently with the information presented.
5. Abandon any hope of the project at hand, as financial recovery is likely to take more than six months.

All this, for the crime of making a nice comment, sending a polite email, and trying to give an emotionally damaged person a book to help them get on with their life.

I must again thank the beautiful girl from the office, for being brave and kind enough to get a message to me, and strangely enough, SB2’s cheeky and stupid wife, for outlining exactly what she had been told.  Otherwise I would have been none the wiser as to the motivation.

Staring Brat 1 is dangerously irrational, and should not be anywhere near staff.  Staring Brat 2 is immature, easily led, and has issues with his manhood, which was far more advanced before any of this happened.  He went from calm and interesting to overblown and unpleasant in under two months.  This is not good.

As for their manager, he was two faced, irresponsible and apparently unaware of basic management skills in terms of protecting staff.  None of them are close to being effective.

All this is very expensive for everyone concerned, but I didn’t create this problem.  I’m just the person that has to solve it.