Mistaken for a young person (again)

You would think this was a good thing, wouldn’t you?

So yeah today I went from my hairdresser, who is knocking on 20 years older than me but thinks I’m the same age and always makes a point of saying so,  which is kind of depressing, to my usual trip of fetching coffee and healthfood, and was randomly accused of something or other by a passing moron whilst sitting awaiting some lights to change.

I am not 12, sorry it is not OK to randomly scream obscenities into my windscreen.  I go out very rarely and do not appreciate being harassed in the street when I do.  I make the same dull trip every time.

I think it is being cheerful they object to, they want everyone to be as limited and miserable as them.

I suppose it is time to change the routine anyway.



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Still arsing around in the Emirates?

Wish I was, it’s Baltic here.

This is a backgammon board, since we never did get around to playing I still have no idea if you even play.  I can tell you the Turkish are a lot better than the Lebanese, but not a patch on the Israelis so if you are any good, I might consider ignoring you for a game.

I was number 9 in Turkey at one point.  Pooh to you.

Backgammon - Wikipedia


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The Worst Cluster B Personality Disorder

One of the things I write about when I am not Ina Disguise is dealing with people with personality disorders.  I also talk about aging and weight issues.  I spent quite a bit of time over the last year or two under another name writing about those things, and people found it quite helpful.

So which is the worst personality disorder?  Having been fortunate enough to spend quality time with my friend, who was a psychologist, I have now had the luxury of experiencing most of them.

Despite people being very shocked and dismayed at the actions of narcissists, usually because they have not encountered them before adulthood and have no means of defending themselves when they do, and despite my own shady experiences with them, I think for me the worst is the Histrionic, because they are very, very boring, brittle and somewhat aggressive characters that you cannot really communicate with unless you are stupidly sympathetic.

They often accompany the central disorder with forcing their views on you about fashion, weight, age, how you should live your life (just like theirs) etc.  They do not learn much due to their issues, and really there isn’t much use for them unless you have a sales job you want them to do and which benefits from psychotic tunnel vision and usually greed.

If you are dull witted or simply young and lazy and don’t bother to find out what the issue is with them, it is usually easier just to agree with them, especially if they have money and stuff to offer you.  This makes it particularly pointless to develop any kind of relationship with them.

At least with a narcissist you can do the emotional pavane, and with a borderline you can leave before disaster strikes, with a histrionic this is not even possible as they will simply gawk at you and ask you and everyone else what you are doing. They seem to enjoy aggressive stupidity.  They will then project whatever they have done onto you as if it is your fault, hilariously not noticing that other humans are functional and will notice the obvious flaws in what they’re saying.

The aging histrionic is particularly sad, they invest a lot in facecream and envy, and they can be persistent pests.

Having been in freeze mode for the equivalent of several years due to quite extensive abuse, I can tell you that such people are not safe to be around, and should you realise that you are being targetted by one, you should not be at all shy about going no contact.  It will not serve you well or develop your character one bit to be forbearing.

One religious nut tried to tell me that God wants you to maintain contact with your blood relatives.  I am afraid that I had a zero tolerance response to this, and listed the things that God certainly does not want or need you to tolerate.

If you are on the receiving end of crap behaviour from family, don’t look back.  They won’t change.





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So I keep being asked about the new stuff

I keep being asked about the new stuff coming out, and I usually only have time to give a very short answer, so here is what happened with the film.

I bought the equipment, know how to edit, probably need new software which I haven’t really costed yet as I have nothing to edit at the moment.  Had made some costumes and some props, had notified the neighbourhood and was setting up for the first day of filming, which was a funeral scene.

I had thought out the plans for the film based upon my normal habits, so all I would have had to do is load up the car every time I was passing through the area, jump out of the car and do it.

I was still very upset over my friend’s untimely death at the time and did not really have anything nice to think about.  Bawbag had been sufficiently ‘friendly’ to get his latest skank to come over and sound me out about returning to his dubious ‘fold’ and I had said no, on the basis that Bawbag is a pretty shitty person that isn’t very nice to his friends, especially when they are female.  He had his chance at establishing trust, he blew it, probably delibarately but he is quite self aware and was sort of protecting me by doing this.

I say this as someone who has a lot of experience with disordered people.  A disordered person who means you actual harm such as my eldest sister will verbally stab you in the face whilst telling you how much she likes you and gaslighting you, even when it is blisteringly obvious to any non-disordered or traumatised person present what she is doing.  Basically all you have to do with that is let her speak and then ask the audience whether they would like a sister.  I haven’t encountered anyone who wants to agree to this lovely offer yet. (my mother thought her behaviour was hilarious right up until she was very old and experienced being helpless next to it for herself- I was expected to cope with a lot from a very very early age)

Bawbag on the other hand, warned me very early on that he was not a nice person, that if he kept his hands off me it was a compliment and then preceeded to spend a year or three screaming abuse both to my face and behind my back because I did not return for round 2 after I insisted on making his cafe legal.

Friendly abuse, if you will.  It did not do my physical health any good and I could have done with having an actual person to speak to, but the fact it was not far worse was gratifying, because it meant he did not actually mean me any harm despite the apparently constant self-torture.  I used to send him presents from time to time as a sort of thank you for leaving me free to do my own thing. You do have to remember that disordered people are traumatised too, whether that is justified, as in Bawbag’s case, or not at all justified, as in my sister’s case.

Anyway, whilst I have a great number of contacts in the media industry, I do not particularly want to make use of them and some of them are just assholes that I do not want to see again, so I wasn’t going to be involving them.  Besides which if any of them got wind of the Bawbag problem, a whole new set of problems would have emerged.

So I was left with only one option, and that was to do the thing myself and await some of the locals to show some interest.

So the day of the funeral shooting, I had selected a really great spot was about to do the shots, and Bawbag decided that he had no sense of humour and that he would show off to his wee friends what a tough guy he was, came out and smashed my stuff.

I am aware that this was as much about not involving him in the shoot as using me as a puppet to feign grandiosity, had I asked him to help there would have been no issue, but I did not want his help and did not see the need for it. I just expected him to suck it up and show a bit of understanding.  Had he done so things could have been very different.

What it did demonstrate was that I was not safe or sufficiently well thought of in the area for anyone to show the slightest bit of enthusiasm or interest or deal with the Bawbag problem without police involvement.

I knew what he was going to do in terms of trying to damage me as a local character before he did it, because he was just my sister all over again, without quite as much actual poison.  Bawbag has some warmth to his abuse, whereas with the sister it is directly toxic and the only thing you can do with it is make sure she cannot get anywhere near you. Let her poison her own family, now she cannot get involved with anything I am doing. She even found a way of using the Christmas presents I bought her kids against me, so I stopped bothering with that years ago.

Anyway, I responded to it by raising my profile rather than doing anything else, because getting involved in a disordered person’s pish is entirely pointless.  They just keep going, year after year.  Hence the small amount of promotion I have done,  because the entire point of me sitting sewing in public for a year and a half was to make the film eventually and use it for something positive for everybody.

Anyway, despite a couple of attempts to get people to at least discuss it without spending too much time there in case Bawbag tried anything, nobody offered any support and one of the few conversations I had about it was someone saying their staff might not like the idea, which was particularly crap as a response.  Therefore I just prioritised elsewhere and did not see the point in rushing to finish the collection after that.  I was also pretty ill, but I seem to be in recovery at present.

You can spend a lot of time wasting your emotions on disordered people.  They really aren’t worth it.  They are sometimes likeable, sometimes not, either way you shouldn’t stop to listen as they are a waste of your time and energy.

Anyway, now I have a giant pile of work to finish, I await the inspiration to do something with them, but I suspect that what I am working on just now is not actually what I will end up with.  Still trying to think what to do about the film as I have no intention of doing something in character thanks to the attack on my film set making it impossible for me to work alone and the lack of enthusiasm by a public suckered into sitting staring at other people having a life instead of having one themselves.  That isn’t my problem, it’s theirs.

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No News is Good News

So another two job offers and two former employers asking if I want to return later, still no further forward, but this is clearly not a bad time to be doing this.

Will now be working next week to establish if a part time option pays as well as it says it does, as this would be a good solution for moving some other things forward.

Mulling over the idea of writing some business stories into something a bit meatier than usual whilst I am not busy.

Lots of other things to do


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The night before I find out what I will be doing

So, Bawbag has evidently taken some time off his travels, haven’t had any telling hits in the last day or two.

He is probably being waited on hand and foot in some enclave, given the countries he appears to be visiting. It remains fascinating to me how his priorities work.

Had an interview today, have another two tomorrow, still at work so far, taking next week off to complete some work for Christmas, hopefully, but not bothered again about bringing new stuff out at Christmas given that I cannot advertise it the way I want to. Still pondering how to rework it and building a new film budget. I am thinking in a more documentary way about it at the moment, but I just don’t feel that serious anymore and tbh my odd feelings for Wolfe revealed that entertainment is a whole lot more effective than education these days.  People are more interested in being stupid and judgy. You might as well, like Madonna, just make use of that if you want to get some attention for your topic.

Just finished a new coat, which will be getting some further embellishment before being revealed to the world.

The main job I am up for pays a few thousand more a year, I will not be hugely upset if it is a no as it involves peopling, but I outgunned two and a half thousand people to get to this point, so yay for me, I guess. I will survive regardless, given that even the most mind numbing job I have in my inbox pays very well with a low pound.

I would have liked to so something reasonably fulfilling at some point in my life, it is so boring being stuck in groundhog day year after year.

Don’t think I am going to gain any satisfaction at all from employment anytime soon.



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Quitting Time

So I really loved my job.  It was the first time I had liked a job in ages, and it was because I was dealing mainly with professionals and a more polite generation.

However it is now time to quit.  Why?

Well for one thing, as usual I wasn’t wanted there.  The person that did not want me there probably thinks he is unique.  He is about as far from unique as Little Shiva was, which is not at all. Men are insecure little piggies with nothing in their heads and no understanding of what single females have to do to get the bills paid.

One company I was unfortunate enough to work for had two lazy golfers employing me at minimum wage to complete their deadlines whilst they took their kids to school.  They used to stand in the office openly complaining at female staff, who were actually running the company despite being administrators, getting even the most modest pay rise.

I have no idea what irked this trainer so, probably he is just an insecure little man who has little under his control so he thought he would take it out on me.

I survived a year of this, but quit on Friday and am now working out my notice.  I had three job offers today alone, so I am not particularly concerned about this.

I could write a blog just about work, I have seen so many crap people and crap companies.

This time, an outsourcer had successfully negotiated with a large financial entity to reduce their staff costs and was rapidly employing people to replace the staff they were getting rid of, who had been in the job for years, were very knowledgable but unfortunately had decent wages so they had to go, obviously.

So now the same large financial entity has a phone system that doesn’t work, staff that do not know the topic and who are told that they have failed every month.  I was no exception to this, I don’t think I have had a single month in the last year that I have not been told that I am a failure. He likes to pile on the failure too, so things that other staff would be told were minor are absolutely huge when it is my error.

Things like turning up at work, being vaguely pleasant to the customers, showing any willingness at all to find out things you don’t know don’t matter.  Getting an initial out of place is the same type of failure as giving incorrect information, so the way you are rated is entirely skewed, and there is no progress, because nobody with any sense stays in that situation for very long.

I could literally have earned more in 20 hours a week over the last year than I did full time, because I wanted to know about the topic, but have found over time that I am not learning very much apart from how not to encourage people to get better at the job and how I really cannot be bothered pretending to be a peer of someone less than half my age that could not care less about anything apart from being nice to superiors in place of knowing anything about the job.

Today alone I ignored two mistakes from other people, because why should they lose their job just because I am leaving and very pissed off? This is not a healthy or positive way to do anything.

I went as far as suggesting they put someone capable of creating a structured training programme in place, but decided that I really didn’t want to contribute to this any more.  It wasn’t doing anything for me, so why should I do anything for it?

Very telling was the fact that a drunken misogynist who did not turn up for training got a permanent job quite a while before I did on the grounds that this trainer liked him.  This left me very pissed off even before the year started.  Now that I have handed in my notice, I am free not to care at all and am likely to be taking some time off shortly rather than put myself at further risk from this job.

Again I was not alone in being hated and discriminated against, evidently this person was also a racist, because a Pakistani and an Indian were rejected before me in the rejection queue.

I am tired of bad companies, bad policy and bad management.

What’s the point of caring, when nobody else does?


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