Making space for yourself

Okay, I said I would write a post, and here it is.

Love is not what you think it is.  I always wondered about traditional models of love, that of partnership, jealousy, possession, role playing etc and I did not like what I saw. It was not until I found my soulmate that I got to the bottom of it, in all respects.  For those who want to read about that, the Best Scandal Ever Series is the direct route to thought process over about five years or so.

Wolfe was the perfect candidate because there was no danger of us getting together at that time because I was not developed enough to fully grasp the philosophy, despite living by it.

I was correct in my assumption, fairly early in life that what we think of as love starts with us wanting to have something in us that the other person has.  That can be a characteristic, a quality, a perception.  We thrive on learning, and so love occurs when we want to learn something from the other person.

What people often think of as love is the need to procreate, the desire for companionship, the drama of the day to day.  None of these things are truly anything to do with love.  That is to do with lack.  Plato deals with this beautifully in the Symposium, video below although I seem to remember the 8th minute or so being significant.

I read this to death in my youth, so I am well acquainted with it.

Anyway, true love is about inspiration, it is not about being with the person at all.  Thus my true love was Wolfe, a person I neither wanted to bother by actually being there, nor change.  If you are fortunate enough to be with your inspiration, you then have to figure out how to be an equal partner in the force you create.

We are all forces of nature, and you choose the level of force you want to exude.  I am capable of far more than I have been encouraged to expect, and so the aberration of falling in love with Wolfe on really very little input was about growth and potential, both his and mine.

What you need to get away from is the idea of togetherness.  Togetherness is nothing to do with it.  Looking at yourself and figuring out what you don’t have and the object of your affection does have makes the process far less tedious and far more rewarding.  It also takes away issues of timewasting drama, ownership, jealousy and other more negative aspects of being in love.

You may find this a rather lonely way to look at it, but if you take this healthier view of what love is, it is far easier to lose the need for attachment.

Buddhists will tell you that it is not love, loss of love, end of love that causes unhappiness, it is attachment.  If you remove the attachment from your feelings of love, you not only free yourself from unhappiness, you allow yourself to grow.

This is what I want you to do.

I want you to experience love without attachment.  I want you to focus on what you feel you lack, and I want you to take the opportunity to learn about yourself.  Stop thinking of it as a burning need, and start thinking of it as an opportunity.

As an example, despite trying to move on with life, I won’t stop loving Wolfe as long as I continue to grow, which is probably never, and even if it isn’t never, I will be eternally grateful for not being lonely any more.  Neither he nor I have to actually do anything at all for that to be the case.

This does not mean I cannot love someone else, it means that the intangible exists.  It does not involve emotional infidelity of any kind.  Love is far bigger than almost all religions allow us to believe.

(FFS Wolfe, I’m weeping again. Hope I made a better job of it this time.)


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Another one bites the dust

The lovely effusive man was also married.

That’s four in a row, and I think I will give up now.

Even after all that stress, Staring Brat 2 was still the most appropriate in terms of wit level and response.

Sigh. Shame on him.


I think I will stick to cats and making chairs.  Very sad and weepy.

I have to work five jobs to avoid losing my income when some married dude goes mental and gets me fired.  I’ve worked hard to get nowhere.

Developing some vegan fast food, building a management structure for a business, mentoring ten small businesses, taking on the troubleshooting for another international business for no money and developing Ina’s first shopfront, so quite busy just now.  The chair is getting made whilst I work for another start up.

I’m fed up coming last. I’m a nice lady, I don’t deserve this BS.

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Staring Brat 2 gone.

I just heard on the grapevine that Staring Brat 2 is no longer in his job.  Nothing to do with me, I did everything I could to remove the real culprit and make sure he was able to stay in that job so he could spend some quality time with his wife, who was also working up here.

I wonder what happened? It seems most unfair given that he did what he was told to do. That is a horrible company so he is better off out of it, to be honest.

Starting my new advisory thing tomorrow.  Life is getting very complicated, but a lot more fun than it used to be.

Chair is going to be stunning, on the final stages of the first layer of the first internal structure.  The lovely effusive man would like me to go and stitch in his cafe, but that is some time away so perhaps I will be making something else by that time as this chair is going to spend about six months hogging the studio when this bit is finished.

I hope Staring Brat 2 is okay and happier away from the horrific Staring Brat 1.




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Another opportunity

Today it has been intimated to me that I am now to offer mentoring services to business.

I am sure the recipients of my advice will be immensely surprised to speak to someone who has actually run a business, given that such advice is usually given by people who have never run a business in their lives.  I am also hoping to be working with seniors fairly soon, in a more social capacity, but I have not heard back yet.

I am also going to be renegotiating with a couple of people I work with at present, as I am not interested in wasting my time pretending to be something I’m not to please anyone any more.  Some things are worth doing and some are not.

I do not see why I should tolerate being on the receiving end of bad management any more when I am considerably more capable than they are.

Bumped into lovely effusive man last night.  I must go and interfere with his cafe.



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Hands know better

It wasn’t until I was applying the braid that features heavily in this latest artwork that I realised where I had seen the whiny little bitch lack of initiative of Staring Brat 2 before.

The reason he keeps reporting back to Staring Brat 1 – AKA the sadist from the story of the same name on the books page –  is because he is ex army.  There is a Colonel in the Indian Army with exactly the same name.

Another mystery solved, and the only way it even entered my head consciously is because I am making this chair.

I think I have finalised the name now, but other things are still developing.  It remains a very angry piece of work, because I am very upset that people this disgusting exist, never mind that they are able to earn a living.

There are quite a few more things that I can do if I feel like it, because as long as they continue to act like this, people who are unfortunate enough to encounter them in the future are at risk from their delusional behaviour.  If they wish to avoid this, I would suggest they find a different website to stare at.

The chair itself is looking fabulous, and it is looking very positive for a final result so far, although the weight is going to be a problem. (isn’t it always)

I am missing my walks, and I would like to move on to something constructive sooner rather than later, so I think another week or two and then I will possibly go and do some writing.

Also feeling rather fat, so I would like to recommence walking as soon as I can free up some time.



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Too Tired

It is amazing.  I can sew for about 16 hours and then suddenly I cannot do another stitch.

I am also working five jobs at present as it is safer when so many people are insecure and power mad, so I guess being tired is inevitable.

I would like to meet a nice uncomplicated and reasonably attractive grown up now please.

Chair still trucking, a few complications with the tongues, but nothing major.  Shiva’s four arms are being replaced with eight tongues and the lips of Staring Brat 2.



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A Nice Post for Little Shiva

This is not related to the post, but I really liked it.  It is nicely done and very funny.

The chair is going very well.  I am using every trick in the book to make it pop this time, as I am determined that it lives up to Little Shiva.

This may seem peculiar to regular readers, but that seems to be what floats my boat.  With the exception of Boris, every single person I have ever made a piece of work about has been hurtful in some way.

So, I guess my extravagant chair says something different to my more direct thoughts.  I am usually trying to resolve something when I take time out to make a piece. This time my entire life has become centered around making the thing, so I guess, as a man and his small daughter said the other day as they strolled through Finnieston, I am an artist now.

I am a little bit obsessed with it at the moment, but this is, from experience, subject to change.  I sometimes get to a point and then put the thing away for a few months, so I am trying to get it to the waterproofed and resin stage before that mood hits.  I also have several more practical pieces to do fairly urgently, and I have two businesses still pending, but life at the moment, although superficially very hard work, is working better since I can sew during two of my four or five different commitments.

I absorbed quite a bit from him, without even looking at him, which is fortunate.  I think so far the visual idea is exactly what I mean, incorporating pride, an element of reservation which I really liked, and a strong element of anger.  He was a very angry person.  I don’t really know why.  He was also a surprisingly innocent person, which is why I have been quite so careful not to directly retaliate.

I have some idea about the outside elements affecting what happened, but being of a strong character I cannot understand why he would choose to participate in it, so I am still digesting what this means.  I usually draw some conclusions by the end of the piece.  Generally speaking mindless thuggery for no reason is an indication of inherent weakness, so it is important to bear this in mind when trying to understand what it means.

Overall it will be a very glamorous piece, and I will be following it up with some other less practical work once the initial small item collection is complete. We also need to do some photography, filming and I think Ina will be releasing a book of work fairly soonish.

I also have a great deal of other work to finish, and a lot of reading to catch up with, so at some point I will have to worry about that.

In the meantime, a whole lot of needling is necessary.  I am hoping to finish the basic shape in the next week or two and then I have to add the tongues, which will take at least another two weeks.

If I decide to also do the base, I will be adding about 800 gbp to the cost of making it, so it will be held up by money.  This is not really what I want, so I am considering a variety of options.

To the person that asked me whether my focus indicates love for Little Shiva, I do not have that luxury.  He belongs elsewhere.  It isn’t up to me, thanks for asking anyway.

Back on 10 veg a day for the forseeable future as I ate too much salt at Christmas and am too busy on the chair to walk at present.




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Technicalities of Little Shiva’s Chair

I am furiously dreaming up titles for Little Shiva’s chair at the moment.  I say furiously, because the title depends on my mood.  This is a bit silly, because the initial emotional pain which gave me the design was minor compared with what he eventually ended up doing to me.

So far I have come up with about ten titles, varying in viciousness.  I do not really want it to be entirely vicious, and I am hoping that the process renders me less furious by the time it is finished.  It is just as well it is a big piece, because I am not likely to forgive his making sure I cannot work in banking contracting any time soon.

I think my favourites for today relate to honour and dishonour.  This person has been rendered corrupt by cowardice and I am very, very angry as a result.  This usually makes for a better piece, however, I can see for example, from the work for Boris that I genuinely like him but I am very gentle with the direct work.  The associated work being mainly Conservative allows me to be a bit more savage.

In the case of Little Shiva, who actively damaged me for no reason at all and told a lot of fibs to other people because of his own insecurity I am quite livid, so it is taking a lot of work and energy.  It is a very complex piece.

I am working it, as usual, in layers. So, for this piece of work the basic shape is formed in 3d embroidery, which you can see some progress towards with the Wolfe bags on the fashion page.  This is an egg chair, so as you can imagine, equates to being a giant handbag in terms of sculptural embroidery.  I certainly don’t know of anyone else who does this, so I guess it is quite special.

To explain to any fellow embroidery geeks, my form of embroidery is based on horizontal tension rather than the more traditional precision, variety and surface texture, which is why I have to layer things very carefully.  I am on layer two now, and I have made the rather brave decision of doing the top half of the egg first to make it easier to work due to the size.

By the time I have punched in the carpet elements, knocked out the windows and overstitched it will be as solid as shoe leather and the egg will then be waterproofed before I start sculpting the outer shape, probably in papier or fabric mache.  It will then be gilded and beaded before being finished with resin.

I am thinking of also making the base for it, since I am only going to do this once, but we will see how it goes over the next few months whilst I build the shell.

There is probably another month’s work to do on the interior and ‘arms’ and I have also to create a viable trident for the top.  Thereafter it will sit in my studio taking up most of the space whilst I determine the level of precision for the shell.

There are a huge number of things that may go wrong with this, but the most worrying element is whether I will be able to get it out of the door when it is finished, so it may be that the dirty studio has to be cleaned and used, in which case the resin cannot happen until the summer months.  With something of this size and shape you cannot fully coat it every time and it has to cure between coats, which can take a couple of days or weeks depending on what you’re doing.

I am currently worrying away at the interior gold whilst I finish layers one and two.  Layer three is decorative and I also have to figure out how much 3d embroidery I add to the sculpt.

As you can gather it is a rather crazy thing to do and in terms of time we are looking at 25-30k, so I do not think I will be making too many of them.  I should also be concentrating on smaller pieces of work as a build up to this one in terms of establishing my name.

You know what it is like however, you have to work as the spirit moves you, and the spirit is screaming Little Shiva at the moment, probably due to loneliness but who cares about that when you can make a spectacular chair?


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Ideas about Love


Okay so the top one is a meme which I stole from Lazy Nazi, a young Hindu gamer on facebook and the second one is a list of ways in which marriage happens in the bible.  As you can see, neither looks particularly edifying from a female perspective, and basically you are to be regarded as little more than a hole for sticking their bits into.

So, we ask ourselves, what would we want with any of these arrangements, particularly if we had also had our genitals mutilated?

The answer that most of Asia seems to have come up with is that the alternative is much, much worse.  I don’t live there, however, so I would frankly rather spend time with the cats or writing amusing things for Wolfe and Boris.

I said to someone fairly recently regarding the Wolfe thing that it is a love thing, it doesn’t have to be a sex thing, so it didn’t really matter all that much since he was in a different country and our initial flirtation was kind of fleeting anyway.  We are just a bit intense, which is why neither of us particularly want to look at or speak to one another.

I wouldn’t want to be wifelet number 51 or whatever and I wouldn’t want him to give up his lifestyle.  You don’t get much more affectionate than that.

Anyway, getting away from all these ideas of people as possessions and attachment, which inevitably, as the Buddhists say, leads to misery, what is left?  If, according to my Hindu friend, love is a black and white chapati compared with a full banquet if you don’t bother with anyone, why on earth would you want to bother with anyone?

This question is something I am pondering whilst working on Little Shiva’s chair.  I had a very angry day of sewing today, during job number three, and between wondering how on earth I am going to render a Chinese gold Indian, I pondered why someone who has no intention of doing anything about his feelings seems to want to squirm in misery on his own for months on end?

Naturally, having spent several years doing just that when it came to Wolfe, I am inclined to imagine that it is a voyage of self discovery.  This person probably struggles with actual emotions or being touched in any way in much the same way I did, having been asleep for some time before meeting Wolfe.

I don’t have time for it any more than he did, so it is going to get us nowhere fast.  The sooner the dude accepts his bitter little life with his bitter little wife the better, to be honest.  At least his meals will be in colour, apparently.  The Gods prefer you to marry by arrangement than have feelings of any kind.  Feelings are, apparently, for barbarians.

I can see the value in this.  It helps to maintain societal roles.  In theory it means that women are to accept doing the typing for an underqualified, untalented moron on the basis that he can afford kids and a wife, whilst she struggles to pay her bills unless she has sold her yoni to the nearest bidder, whether he is worthwhile or not.  I am sure this is fabulous if you happen to have a penis.

It isn’t the way I would choose to live, but unlike the people who like this sort of thing, I have actually experienced life.  If I hadn’t I might feel differently.

Anyway, the chair is going well, and I am adding an extra third or so to the  basic sculpt so the struggle now, involving architectural salvage and a skip around the retro furniture stores, is finding a base to support something that will ultimately be very heavy once it is beaded and gilded.  It is quite a weight already, and that is just wool.

Nicer problems to have.  I wouldn’t waste five minutes on a person that didn’t care about me these days. I’m done with cowards and stupid people.



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The Deal with being Married

Okay, so apparently I need to explain this to people, because they are too stupid to figure this out by themselves.

Here is the deal with being married.

When you sign up to get married, you make a promise to another person to be with them.

It does not mean that you then turn around and either lie to other people that you have not made the promise in order to get bonked, or state upfront that you have made the promise to someone as some sort of absolution of sin.

Being married means you are legally attached to somebody.  Your attention to people beyond that relationship then becomes an insult. An insult to their intelligence, an insult to their attractiveness, an insult to their ability to find someone that is not attached to someone else.

If you do not wish to insult the single members of the population, then stop trying to hit on them.  We are not interested in a relationship with half, quarter or less of a person and those of us who are are frankly a bit sad and desperate.

There are many ways to relate to other people that do not involve creating fake arguments to create pseudo passion, role playing or other bullshit in order to get your end away.  It is boring and is only regarded as a worthwhile pursuit by pretty low grade people.

I hope that this is clear.  I do not appreciate having my time wasted and I am NOT INTERESTED IN BONKING MARRIED PEOPLE OF ANY KIND. I have never bonked a married person and I have no intention of starting now.

If you do not want to fall into the category of insulting people with your sexual attention, then don’t get married.  Simples.





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