Life is nicer with a clear conscience

I have always been fascinated by people who habitually attempt to cheat on other people.

I have done it, in the distant past, but very quickly gained sufficient stature and notoriety that everyone was aware of what I was doing and nobody seemed to be that bothered.  Being considered so desirable that you have a few people wondering if they can distract you sufficiently to consider them as your only partner is a nice place to be.

What I can never understand is people who bother lying about it.  This seems tedious.  I am aware, because I have been with such people, that for some it is a kind of game to see how far you can push someone.  This is not particularly healthy behaviour, and it is a bit manipulative. It is usually easier to just leave and go find somebody else.

This goes for friendships as well.  It is easier to keep things honest, even if honest is not always what people want from you.  One thing you learn as an itinerant caterer, is that your entire life can collapse overnight, so you simply learn not to invest terribly much in one person.

There is an inherent grubbiness in a more superficial perception of the world. If you are not investing terribly much, then anyone who is is either stupid, or so different from you that they had no business being in your life in the first place.  This then becomes tiring, and inevitably the lack of stability affects other functionality.  Unless you have retained that ‘centre of the universe’ position I first mentioned, life becomes rather shaky and so do you.

Having lived through these periods, and seen many different interest groups, with considerably different value systems, I selected a kind of lonely nobility.  I try to do the right thing, and I try to avoid people in order to avoid doing the wrong thing to suit them. It is not particularly sociable, but this saves a lot of time.

This may seem very strange to anyone following the chain of thought that goes with my attempts to become more confident and less anti-social, but I think the way I am approaching other people now is better than it was before.  I used to drop everything if someone needed something.  I used to consider how useful I could make myself, and anything I wanted took a poor second place.

The current projects are of sufficient magnitude for this to now be irrelevant.  Smaller tasks from other people, designed to distract and confuse, are now easy to turn down and bigger tasks, for the larger projects are broken into things I can do every day.  It may seem strange to take on enormous tasks for people I do not know, but when they are more interesting, more challenging, and may lead to actual change they seem worthwhile.  I have basically made my absurd helpfulness bigger, more confusing and more abstract in order to achieve an even bigger aim ultimately.

Time will tell if I have selected the correct people to bless with my angle of change, but both Wolfe and Boris are sufficiently intelligent to figure out what is happening and why when the time comes.  It is going to take a long time.

At least is it less boring, even if it does seem odd.

Put the booze down and listen to the orb, Boris. Make it loud.

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That ‘Oh God I Suck’ Moment

We all have them.

If we are incredibly cowardly or take ourselves too seriously, we don’t do anything at all because of them.

If we let things get to us too much, or have too much pride, we allow it to stop us, because it is easier to say we suck and laugh it off.

If we then go to the next step, we sneer at other people who don’t feel the same way.

I spent months saving the money to make Bordello Rhetoric.  I knew exactly what I wanted to do, I lavished attention on it.  Now I look at it and I say NOOOOOOOOOOOO.

It is a development piece.  I did not take inspiration from anyone but Boris himself for this piece of work.  I did not even need to plan it.  I knew exactly what I wanted to do, and I went ahead and did exactly that. It involved importing agate from a quarry in India, importing the beads from a manufacturer in Germany, sourced Georgian handles from an antique collector, an ungodly amount of resin, and a ratty old box gifted by a friend. (the principle of the Boris Johnson collection is to render unemployed furniture ‘Fit for Work’ by means of artifice, and preferably guile) I replaced the castors twice, which alone cost me a week of 24 hour caring for my mother in financial terms.  24/7 care is a lot of hours, and requires a lot of commitment if you want to avoid being robbed by the social work department and having your mother killed by an institution.  So why do I hate myself for it now?

Well, because I should have used my shades of colour more effectively and done a better blend on the beadwork.  Yes it is quite stunning, but it could be more stunning.  Yes it is as I intended, but it could be better because I had no reference point.  It is nice, but it is not as nice as it could be if I had visualised it more effectively.

Life is not like that.  If I had known I would fall crazily in love with a health guru, I would have looked after myself better.  If I had known that the NHS would kill my mother anyway, I would not have been investing every penny in keeping her well by natural means.  Hindsight is a wonderful thing.  This also applies to our artwork.

We should never feel bad about completing a piece of work that we no longer like by the end of it, nor should we worry about promoting pieces we no longer like, because as creators we are not trustworthy judges of what is good or bad.  I have thrown out pieces that other people thought were works of genius in the past, because I knew I would do something better.  When I first came across Wolfe, quite apart from not knowing how to get his attention any other way, all I could think about was how I could make him better, and better, and better.  I am still guilty of this.  Instead of appreciating what people or objects are, I strive for improvement.

My friend is even worse than this.  You cannot ask him to collaborate on a project from the beginning, because the objections are so many and varied that the project never starts.  He is, however adept at finishing work.  Once you think you are finished, he is ideal for finding details that you never thought of.

It took more than three years of deep and probably constant thought before I realised that I was the problem.  My desire for perfection was neither realistic, nor desirable.  Wolfe was right, I was wrong.  What matters is the doing, not the striving. The methodology is less important than the result.  When I finally accepted this, which took some time, Ina was born.

Conceptual thinking is probably more important than technique, when it comes to actually developing your work and ideas.  Acceptance of imperfection is necessary to reach mastery, because if you really care about your work, you very quickly realise that you will never truly become a master of anything.  I am fortunate that as a former chef, who worked for culinary glory for many years, I was aware of the futility of perfection.  I just hadn’t realised how universally applicable the concept was until I met my far more successful and happy twin (Wolfe and I were born twelve days apart, which was part of the reason for the level of focus)

So, when you have your own ‘Oh God I suck’ moment, feel good about it.  You learned something, and you need never feel ashamed of growth.  It is likely that nobody will even notice your mistake, because mistakes are often painfully beautiful, even when they drive you crazy.


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More pics of Jemima Khan

Aaaaaaah that’s better.

Iain Duncan Smith is up next, but it will take a lot of time because he is a bit more operatic.

A theme of dark glamour seems to be developing with the Boris work.  I think I may do a little more for Al for comparison.

There is also a series of handbags for this collection, but handbag work is postponed because I am not miserable enough currently.  Usually I am in a physically repressed state when I have to sew, however the handbags for Boris are very comedic and sweet. (if you can imagine a needle going in and out fifteen hours a day, the reason for my work becomes rather obvious.  I should feel some shame about this, but I really don’t.  The idea of a little plump lady sewing whilst having rampant thoughts amuses me greatly)

As usual with artists, I am challenging myself with these pieces, and am learning as I develop this new branch.  Boris seems to be bringing out the painter in me a little with the handbags, but the resin work is very interesting and I quite like the textile resin experiments.

Toodle pip,




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Jemima Khan is Fit for Work

These are the first studio pictures of Jemima Khan is fit for Work, the next piece in the Boris Johnson Collection.

I am aware that she is not noted for her Conservative tendencies, she is in the category with Darius Guppy, who is in Art hospital at the moment pending my further work on him. Old Jimmy wasn’t exactly sparing when it came to desire for vigour in the form of promoting suffering.

I will have some better lit photographs once my more expert friend visits, but trust me when I tell you this one is rather lovely and in keeping with Bordello Rhetoric.  They are slightly mismatched, but rather fun.

Must get my head back into heavy reading about the lesser spotted Conservatives since Disraeli.



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Dark melancholy and chatting with other artists

Looks like the old me is back.  Reading my post from earlier, it is like looking back a decade into cynical reality.  I guess the grief is setting in.

One of the great things this project has done for me is enabled me to network.  I am not a social creature as a rule, but promoting my stuff, when I can be bothered, has meant joining a lot of interest groups as this is cheaper than merely advertising, which is not cost-effective as a rule.

Today I have been entertaining some artists with reasons for my work.  We often ask each other what our work is about, which is good practise as artists all tend to be scruffy, disinterested, and socially isolated unless we are tremendously successful.  We all tend to make the same social mistakes until we are happy with our technical ability, which is, paradoxically, never good enough anyway.  Being forced by circumstances and the ongoing thought that went into the Wolfe project into creating Ina is the only reason I have shown anything to anybody.

My own work has been complicated by the fact that I do not lust after a sufficient number or variety of men.  Given that that is the only reason I am ever compelled to do anything, I really should have spent more time earlier in life just finding men to perve at.  I was more interested in work, and had a steady supply of them, so I guess in artistic terms I have been rather lazy.

Anyway, just to make you laugh a bit, here are some very simplistic meanings behind my work.

 The Misery Mandala


This is what extremely angry sex with me looks like.


 Funk This

This is what it looks like when I decide that I can’t do anything about my inappropriate feelings and need a few weeks to try and surmount it (pun intended)  There was a series of four of these for Wolfe, three of which I liked, one I really don’t is Lucky Heart, because it is about futility and the random nature of sexuality.

 Ormus Uranium

A word gag about the Ormus range of products, popular in the USA and parts of Europe, which are mysterious in nature.  Elements such as gold are very popular with people interested in advanced mysticism, but there is no reason why poisonous elements should not have ormus properties.  It was also a good excuse to send Wolfe flowers.

 Fertility and Intellect

This is a very old piece of work, made for a grumpy history professor I adored at university, who had one of the most punk chainsaw brains I have ever come across.  I do love a bit of mental violence.  It is about the difficulties of retaining your concentration on academic pursuits when you are fertile and female.

 Call me Al

This is for Boris, who has a public persona, and a private one called Al.  I am rather touched by Boris.  He is the best of a very bad bunch, both privately and publicly and deserves better.  The UK would benefit from encouraging and listening to him.

 Bordello Rhetoric

This is the only other piece in the Boris collection that is directly for Boris.  It is about the nature of a political career, hence the title.  It is rather glamorous and bold, which I think is appropriate for Boris rather than Al.

Rebekah Brooks is fit for work

The other pieces in the Boris series are about the nature of success and the lack of fit with actual talent.  Simply declaring oneself fit for a task does not make it so, and most of these pieces either involve scandal of some sort, or just having so much money that nobody is ever going to force you to starve to death, as is happening to several sectors of society whilst wages are lowered via immigration. This will be a lengthy and very expensive series.  Rebekah is sitting in my kitchen, where she actually looks fabulous.  I expected these pieces to be loud and garish in place, but as it turns out they are conversation pieces.  Experimenting with textiles, stone, beads and resin has been expensive, but tremendous fun.

I am not sure why Boris is getting so many rock pools, but evidently I find him more erotic than I expected.  It is very much a sub-plot in my grand epic and entirely fictitious romance with Wolfe, however, so I am not sure how this imaginary love triangle is going to develop in the medium term.


I will do a page for each piece eventually, but hopefully that goes some way to explaining how my creative brain works.


Much affection,









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Ina Disguise Build Update 2

I should have written at the time, but I hit the 70lb weight loss mark at the beginning of November, actually.  Since then, I have stayed the same as I always take breaks in the course of losing weight and, by coincidence, I had an ankle injury from walking in a bad temper, followed by a flare-up of sciatica, followed by my mother’s appalling death.

I put on probably 10lb on one meal a day, and have now lost this again since my mother’s death.  I am now able to walk again, although time and cold is preventing me from doing my full 15km.

I also took a break from the corsetting during this time as it was not practical when spending your time running up and down from a hospital or desperately seeking the means to exist in the form of work.

It is not much fun being attacked all the time, so everything I have managed to do so far has been evidence of my improved confidence as a person rather than a delusional construct (see previous post, What would Mrs Wolfe do?)  I obviously won’t have that option in the coming months, so I guess my flight of fancy has made my own confidence improve somewhat.

If I was sensible and not trying to do anything more spectacular, I would just lose the same again and be done with it.  I have, however, met the most beautiful creature in the known universe now and I will have to make some more serious changes to my overall stature.

To put this in some sort of context – yes, I respect other people’s choices.  No, I do not have any serious plans to bag any wolves or eat their cubs and I LIVE IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY ANYWAY.

Life is complicated, however, and I do have potential plans which may mean I end up having to awkwardly stand next to him at times, so the visuals have to be correct.  I have a 7″ wrist, which means I genuinely suffer from what nastier people dismiss as fantasy and am in possession of a quite stormingly enormous bone structure.  Wolfe, on the other hand has a beautifully formed, small structure.  As we do happen to look sufficiently alike for more than one fan to stop and instigate conversation in the past, I now have to ensure that I do not look like an inflated female version!

So, there is a long way to go, and I will end up having to sustain being smaller than is comfortable regardless of anything else. It is fortunate that, thanks to him, I have done sufficient research now to be able to manage very good nutrition in very few calories per day.

I probably suit being muscular more than bony, I have tried both, but bony is probably going to be easier given that writing is likely to become more important than artwork or anything else.  Assuming I survive the inevitable family attack, which I may not, it looks as if the future consists of a lot of drinking water and supermix blends, so I need to get used to this now. I have banned everything that is not strictly correct from the house, so probably a good idea to avoid visiting.

My skin is responding well to the attention I am paying it, the magnesium oil, whilst painful, has pretty much eradicated all signs of stress-related psoriasis, but I am still seeing some evidence of collagen depletion, probably age-related around the eyes and chin, which I am experimenting with.  I will update when I find a more fail-safe way of dealing with it than I am currently using.

I think it is probably time to dig the next set of corsets out, although replacing clothing is not going to be easy financially until I secure more gainful employment. (the current job, whilst entertaining and flexible, is not likely to last forever due to a rather unfortunate cultural issue which I have no plans to do anything about)



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New Stuff from Ina Disguise

New Stuff from Ina Disguise


New Vida Store  Feel free to click in and see the updates so far

Evil Money – short story

The Perverts – short story

Feel free to have a look at some new material – working on shoes and a couple of bits of furniture for the Boris collection whilst seeking yet more work.

Will be publishing under another name this year for more serious stuff, so this is a period of some upheaval, but I think we can safely say my output is on an upward trajectory due to the avoidance of despair.

As ever, if Wolfe has any objections, he cannot possibly find it difficult to find me and  let me know. I imagine he will find it as funny as I did. Shoes coming soon, and I will be back into game-making shortly as I am trying to avoid thinking at all.

Much affection,



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Let’s get something straight

The three people that I have kept in touch with in the last few years have talked quite a bit of nonsense in the last month or so, mainly due to the apparent distraction of my change in circumstances due to my mother being killed in hospital.

I have also had to tolerate a lot of nonsense from people who don’t know me, on the grounds that there was no point in concealing Ina any more when discussing what I am really interested in given that my cover was blown with the disgusting scum family.

Whilst this is very kind and well-meaning, I have to get something straight, so that I do not have to discuss it in person as being told that I am now free to find some random bloke/travel/whatever mad idea other people have about what would make me happy is driving me slightly mad. My mother was not the only thing keeping my nose to a self-imposed grindstone.

I haven’t changed my mind about the Wolfe issue in nine years.  Yes, I have been miserable, yes I have experienced significant change, and no, I am not likely to have a happy outcome.  That changes nothing.  I am fortunate enough to have at least encountered potential happiness, which is more than most people ever get to do. I’m extremely grateful to him, just for breathing.  I don’t think I’ve ever said that about anyone else. Yes, he still drives me insane. That is OK too. Perfection is extremely dull.

Settling for what is expedient, on the other hand, is not what I would view as a happy outcome.  I do not envy people who have done this, even though they probably believe that they have achieved something by going ahead and settling for what is real in order to obtain their preferred outcome.  I guess this is a matter of circumstance as well as personal choice.  People who want to have fifteen kids, for example, have to make a commitment fairly early in life in order to achieve their aims.

I never wanted this, nor did I prioritise finding a partner.  I was made aware of my responsibilities to my parents fairly early in life, and whilst in many ways could be viewed as being used, have got a lot out of that in terms of what I would call ‘sideways’ growth – I have a lot of strings to my bow, although there is still a lot of development work to get where it is going. That is fine with me.

It is important to remember, even if you hate my work or anyone else’s, that doing something is always better than fearing exposure, no matter what you choose to do.  Other people do not matter.  When you finally realise this, life gets a lot riskier and yet decisions become a lot easier.

Another thing to realise is that my first thought is always about work.  My father was exactly the same.  Love is work, work is love etc etc.  It is probably on the level of a disorder.  It is no fun if it is too easy and the journey is more important than the destination.

So, no, I do not ‘need a man.’  I do not want to settle for anything.  I am not in a hurry to leave my beloved home unless it is worth it, and it definitely won’t be worth it unless I get the current work done.  The work is way more important than anything.  Whilst my remaining priorities are Wolfe, cats and house related, they do not involve expected outcomes in any way whatsoever and never did.  I have my shit to do and that is that. I have no intention of settling for frankly tedious old or new relationships and I am not going to change my mind. There is only one me, and only one him.  The rest of it is tough tittie, frankly.

If any of the people that I am referring to had listened to anything, they would not be raising these issues.  Sometimes you have to self-destruct in order to create something better, whether that is real or a self-created mirage in order to achieve a much more important goal.

I have grown, particularly in the last few months, to fear different things.  I used to fear the fact I was different.  Now I fear narrow-minded stupid people who assume that everything they were taught is real.  They are the real monsters, and I do not plan to remain amongst them to suffer a stunted, stupid death of the soul.

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Life as an elderly spinster

Well I might as well accept it, life did not go the way I wanted it to.

I didn’t really want much out of it, I loved working more than anything really.  It is quite fitting that the rest of my time is going to be spent doing that.

I took on the mantle of chick with cats at a very early age, of course.  I was terrific at being 17.  I had a flat, two cats, some 3d renderings of lizard eyes to upset passing drug users all over the walls, and I used to get high and knit between reading Sartre and various Russian worthies.

The horror of my mother’s ‘death by stupidity’ is starting to set in now.  Fortunately I have a lot of work to do.  At the moment I am making some grant applications for the first time.  My artistic pursuits have always been self funded.  Whilst you were out spending money on a social life to get a mate and produce more vile little consumers, I was spending money on glue, varnish, wool and whatever else I needed.  No matter how little money I have had, I have always managed to find money to make things.  Even my shoes have been sold when necessary.

The age of this rather disreputable approach of creativity has now passed me by, however, and it is time to get things done before I lose the space to work effectively.  The rabid Scottish wolves that I don’t want are approaching the door, even as the one that I wouldn’t mind spending some time with gets on with bringing up his own little consumers with some chick that didn’t seem terribly bright or pleasant. (I am sure she is delightful, actually, apart from the territorial glaring)  It is all very sad.

I have reeled from the discomfort of my attachment to Wolfe for nine years now.  I still have a lot of work to do, and there is no probability that I am going to self-actualise any time soon.  This is rather depressing.  I am staggering towards it at slightly enhanced speed, but not really any further forward in real terms.  I don’t really feel that uncomfortable about it any more.  Today I thought about how ridiculous it was and wondered what the alternative actually is?  I had no answer, because I don’t think I really want one.  Some people get hitched to stop thinking about love.  I created a little box, stuck a picture on it and decided to forget about ever being happy since it didn’t seem likely anyway.

I miss my silly mother.  I don’t miss dealing with stupid people, and for that I feel guilty.  I have no tolerance left for them.

It is certainly a time-saver.

Rebekah Brooks is fit for work (2018)

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Additions to Boris Johnson Project


Priti Patel is fit for work

Rebekah Brooks is fit for work


These are the first in a lengthy series, which is taking a long time due to the expense of working with resin.  Jemima Khan and Iain Duncan Smith are coming next, but they may be some time due to the cost of resin.

I will probably keep Rebekah Brooks, as it was a nice table once. Priti will be getting a suitable lining shortly, but I had a grant application to make so we worked on the photo shoot today.

In the meantime, here is a picture of the most beautiful creature in the known universe.  Evidently I am feeling frisky today.

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