Staring Brat 2 has now also vanished from the website lists. This has happened a few times, however, and it has been temporary and usually at the weekend every time, so I am not entirely convinced.
So, since he is off doing something more productive, today is a good day to talk about celibacy.
Surprisingly, for someone who has made repression my inspiration and because of this, rather a preoccupation, I have been celibate for six or seven years.
At the time, I made the decision not to persist with my previous relationships as they were time-consuming, a bit negative and were a link to a life I had left behind in order to make the necessary developments I felt I had to make because of my grand passion for Wolfe.
I could have persisted in a rather masculine sex as sport kind of way, but I am a very honest person, and I did not feel that this was a good use of time. I would much rather be thinking than doing anything else, and other people tend to corrode your flow somewhat. A great example of this is with pre-dementia and brain altered states. You frequently find yourself spending less and less time with some friends, because it quite literally makes you crazy.
Sex, especially as it involves personalities you may otherwise not wish to spend any time with, is quite bad for this.
The last partner I had was a rigger called Mark, who was rather good at rope work, yet appalling at verbal communication. This got annoying very fast, as I am afraid caring is a 24 hours job and it is simply not convenient to be pandering to a silent person’s fantasies whilst you are on call. He was at the end of a long chain of exs, whom I had been involved with almost thirty years previously. They were all very helpful around lifting heavy items but not very clued up that time had passed and they were not dealing with a sixteen year old any more.
I would like to say I was sorry to see them go, but alas I was not. I have not been at my most productive recently, due to the dearth of randiness involved in grieving and being very angry about my mother’s death.
Strangely when I actually met Wolfe, I was poised for flight throughout, not because of anything he was doing, but because I feared what I would say. I think I probably got a long story across very quickly, and so we have a long term truce situation pending my actually getting my act together. Hopefully things are settling sufficiently that this year will be a little more productive in that direction. As I was saying to a former friend, the Wolfe story is a love story, rather than a sex story, so it doesn’t have to have an end really. It isn’t like I am likely to fall in love with America any time soon.
So, I am in the very odd situation of apparently being very charged, with the outlet for the battery being creative rather than sexual. This seems to be very hard for some people to understand. I guess it is a bit like being a unicorn or a fairy.
Anyway, as someone who has had a great number of high stress relationships, I cannot recommend being single highly enough. More people should take it up, for longer periods. My belief is that if you do finally meet someone worthwhile, it makes you far more generous as a partner as a result of knowing yourself better. It is far easier to present a considered approach when you have that extra bit of emotional work and self-knowledge to draw upon. It also makes you self-evaluate things like jealousy before expressing them. Most jealousy is just a primal waste of time, and very negative. As a means of expressing something else, it is amusing, but only to a third party. Apart from that, it is a time-wasting bore.
I think also it is easier to let go of things. I could have assumed that Staring Brat 2 was more significant, for example, as the attraction was uniquely strong, but thankfully I am not a trusting soul, nor do I get angry about things that don’t actually matter, particularly at work.
Anyway, I think there always ought to be something bigger in your life. Without something bigger, your relationships can turn sour on the basis that they have more centrality in your life than they really should. Anyone can get laid. Not everyone can build an empire.