Too cool for school

Today was slightly better, but it remains to be seen if this is doable long term.  I am also being considered for a techy thing that I am fully capable of doing but I think I would benefit from company training as it is media related.

I seem to have acquired a friend, although he is probably about 20, which is rather hilarious. From the sublime to the ridiculous, this is the second time since I turned 40 that this has happened. I am sure his mother will be delighted LOL

Now, when I was 35 this was probably OK, because when I was 35 I was still into emo metal, computer games and had only just stopped drinking and smoking.  Now it is just hilarious.  It is nice to be timeless however.

Speaking of which, we have a dude in this group who is so obsessed with age that I am on the point of saying something.  We had another full day of his wish to off everyone over 70 today.  This is the future.  People who cannot see past the end of their nose.

Anyway, I have cheered up somewhat, although life in the short term looks rather bleak and full of hours and hours of work.  I do like time pressure though, I always get more done when there is only two hours to do it in.

Speaking of which…..

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Wrong Turnings

I wonder how it feels to be somebody’s worst wrong turning?  I imagine if you hate them, you laugh because they made a bad decision.  That makes it easier for you to digest the fact that you are a bad idea in the form of a human.

Everything was going quite well with Ina, since last October, when Wolfe was kind enough to allow me to sort my shit out there.  It was a big deal deciding to face up to it, and he made it far less nightmarish.  He is very kind. (to me anyway)

Boris was also one of my better ideas.  I am very upset that I have been forced into letting him down.

I cannot imagine what it must be like, looking at yourself in the mirror and saying “Isn’t it funny?  I really ruined that woman’s life, for no reason at all!  What a great guy I am!”

The pair of them probably think this achieves something other than making their lives less pleasant whilst I ensure that they don’t do this to anyone else. It is pointless and destructive behaviour.

Today, not for the first time this year, I sat in a room full of millennials and winced at them talking about their ideas about aging (40 is old apparently) apparently in blissful ignorance that I was not even the oldest person in the room, and I found this offensive.  I then watched them object to my walking further than them just to get to work, and reacting with horror that I do not watch TV.

Once upon a time, youth was considered to represent idealism, progress and open-mindedness.  Now it represents a grasping narrow-minded view of themselves and others as they talk about never being out of debt whilst looking for people to eliminate to secure their tenner an hour.

The male who made the comment about elderly 40 year olds has a 1 year old child and 70 thousand pounds worth of debt due to his university course.  He is unlikely ever to pay this off, and has moved to Scotland because he cannot afford accomodation in Reading, where he comes from.  You can look forward to more of this in the future.  If Scotland does not protect herself, she will be trampled in the rush, in fact.

Instead of talking about this problem or – shock horror – dealing with it, these same people will turn around and accuse you of whatever ism comes to hand to shut you up, therefore it is not worth talking to them.  Instead we all have to patiently wait for the penny to drop.  It isn’t my children who will suffer in the future.  I couldn’t afford any, and I was told I would have to take care of my parents to supply a bunch of spoilt boomers with money, apparently.  It certainly wasn’t indicative of caring about their parents.  They manifested that quite clearly.

In the meantime, my friend is repeatedly banging his head off a brick wall trying to get medical treatment from the NHS, who still do not appear to want to investigate and make a diagnosis.  He is persistent in his expectation that they will make him well.

I have explained to him time and time again that as a disabled person on benefits, it is not a good plan to allow the NHS to take over anything, since they killed my mother 7 months ago after a determined few months of telling me they wanted to do it.  He is not safe.

I think we can safely make the assumption, after several experiences like this, that millennials are just as clueless, selfish and blind as boomers, and it is not until somebody is murdering their relatives that they will notice, if at all.  My boomer relatives would still pretend that the NHS were experts at something, and that murdering the elderly is a good thing.  They are elderly themselves now, so I look forward it happening to them.

I hate this job.  My back hates this job.  I need something more active.  These people are dull, narrow minded and hateful.  Just like you.



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If I tolerate this, then your children will be next

So, we were thrashing out why I am still thinking about Staring Brat 2 this evening.  Twisty was concerned that I would want to go to the event earlier as he may turn up.  I didn’t, for much the same reason.

I think it was the need to control me the minute he had a way of doing it that bothered me the most.  Twisty, probably correctly, has mentioned that he thinks the root of his problem is cultural.  He has, however, been in the UK for a decade or so, so why he is pretending to be from Morocco (and dresses like a French Moroccan when in the mood to be admired) I do not know as he was Indian.

This need for controlling my apparently unruly sexuality via the medium of bitching about emails and any possible conversation with a fellow adult who had very good reason for avoiding verbal interactions is extremely disturbing, and it makes it very unsafe for anybody dealing with him.  I stopped speaking to the dude sitting next to me fairly early on as I assumed that he was being made his bitch and regarded him as unsafe, and I believe the dude, who was Pakistani and had been told that SB2 was Moroccan, thought much the same about me until the last week, when he immediately became less unreasonable the minute he knew there was a problem between SB2 and I, although this was unspecified at the time as I was still stupidly protective of him.

I spoke to my Hindu friends online about the issue, as the differing surnames on the companies house listing confused the issue a bit, but they clarified that this was not unusual.  Apparently lying and conning people is not unusual either.  Why this would be necessary, I again do not know as I had resisted quite a few attempts to create drama by this time, which, like everything else, annoyed him.  Apparently being a man involves being controlling, aggressive and making it impossible to communicate at all.

You could put this down to immaturity and the desire for frightened admiration, or you could decide he is just an evil little shit.  I would say that is a personal decision.  I ran him through my narcissism filter, and he came up as too inadequate, so I would stick with my original assumption that he is just suffering from extreme CPTSD.  I have encountered quite a few cases now, and it is, unlike narcissism, curable.  I do hope that his wife managed to get the book, as it might save him eventually if he decides to work on it.

I am a very nice person, and I did not cause harm to any of the people concerned, nor did I ever intend to.  All they had to do was leave me alone, but apparently this was not possible.  Instead they had to neutralise a perceived threat to their fragile and incompetent leadership roles.  This makes no sense at all, since I wasn’t even particularly brilliant at the job at hand, mainly due to the stress.

Today, on facebook, one of the gazillion American authors publicly shamed a tasteless and stupid man who had offered to tickle her cervix.

Yes it is a repulsive line, and no I wouldn’t like it either, but personally I would block, possibly report and leave it at that.  She responded that as a good Christian, she was used to better treatment.

“Why don’t you just grow up and sort your shit out like an adult? We don’t need to know about yet another asshole?”  was my response.  Immediately several men, rather right wing Yanks as it turned out, clicked like.

I do not usually have right wing Yank supporters, however they are responding to the concept.  We are nurturing a generation of whinging wimps, who cannot manage their way out of a paper bag, refuse to think for themselves, and who take out their inadequacy on other people, most especially people who can think for themselves as they are a threat to them.  This is true fascism, where you encourage the mob to turn on people rather than facing up to your own failings.

I explained exactly what had happened to me to one of these men.  He immediately came back with a story of being hounded out of his job on the grounds of anxiety depression.  It took him over a year to get back to the same point on the employment ladder.

It is likely that I will take a shorter period, as the previous job was neither well paid, nor particularly great in terms of prospects.  Even the one I’m doing is better, and it isn’t very good either.  I have a couple of better ones in the pipeline and have secured a bad permanent one for later next month, however the overall effect of three stupid little boys having a laugh at the expense of my job and finances was for me to do the following:

  1. Seek work from home or at night to avoid other people, as they are clearly toxic.
  2. Seek work from anywhere, at any rate, to avoid penury.
  3. Spend 6 weeks doing nothing apart from applying for work.
  4. Question, over and over again whether there was anything I could have done differently with the information presented.
  5. Abandon any hope of the project at hand, as financial recovery is likely to take more than six months.

All this, for the crime of making a nice comment, sending a polite email, and trying to give an emotionally damaged person a book to help them get on with their life.

I must again thank the beautiful girl from the office, for being brave and kind enough to get a message to me, and strangely enough, SB2’s cheeky and stupid wife, for outlining exactly what she had been told.  Otherwise I would have been none the wiser as to the motivation.

Staring Brat 1 is dangerously irrational, and should not be anywhere near staff.  Staring Brat 2 is immature, easily led, and has issues with his manhood, which was far more advanced before any of this happened.  He went from calm and interesting to overblown and unpleasant in under two months.  This is not good.

As for their manager, he was two faced, irresponsible and apparently unaware of basic management skills in terms of protecting staff.  None of them are close to being effective.

All this is very expensive for everyone concerned, but I didn’t create this problem.  I’m just the person that has to solve it.


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Neglecting you

Sorry, I was busy.  I am working at last.

As usual with work, several things came up at once, so I am having to turn down things I wanted to do in order to do the sensible thing, which generates more things I have to go and do to cover everything.

I kind of hate myself for taking the sensible option but there are three things on the table further down the line to put myself in a better spot, and the opportunity I have taken up has options of its own.

Still uncomfortably attached, despite the passage of time, so I am trying to strategise meeting somebody a bit more viable whilst I work on getting my health back on track.  I was in such a state of panic over money that I had to focus on that for a while.

I cannot believe I am still actually thinking about this.  This is not sensible.  My prescription is harsh focus on health and work. Once I have this job properly set up I still have to find another one that pays for artwork only. I have put on weight due to the focus on finding work, so I have to deal with that rather quickly as it is depressing.

It is nice that the immediate problem is now solved, but it would be considerably more convenient if it was solved in full.  A potential solution has been impeded by disorganisation at the employer end, but at least a small money supply will be resumed next week or so.

In the meantime, how the heck do people meet each other?  How does one rule out the duds quicker? Are people at all worthwhile?

Found myself eyeing up a woman the other day and to my surprise she was actually interested.  Given that any bisexuality is usually extremely covert, I was incredibly surprised. I’m obviously lonely.

A very important person got in touch with me about the previous issue, so I am hoping that this will finally resolve that situation.  All that seems to have happened so far is a lot of buck-passing children protecting their asses.

Remember kids, nobody genuinely gives a shit about you. Isn’t that comforting?



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I am, of course, very flattered by all this attention, but I really don’t need any more staring.  I would say using the bank computers to stare at the website is misuse of company resources.  Perhaps I should complain to your manager?

This is, of course, misery porn.  The nasty little boys are still hoovering evidence of damage, and again became hysterical yesterday.  They are using cloud VPNs on their particularly nervous days. No doubt he still thinks that he is entitled, and I am a peasant who apparently deserves to be abused at work.  That is certainly how his wife behaved.  From the perspective of somebody who actually has some genuine management talent, this is laughable.

This could all have been averted, of course, if they had not assumed that I would be so broken by this event that they would be reading woebegone tales of my life being destroyed.  This is perverted behaviour, but it is reflective of a particular kind of pornography, which men with very small brains and too much testosterone are particularly fond of.

Having had some time on my hands of late, I have been taking a look at popular pornography in an effort to understand why you would attack someone who went out of her way to avoid attacking you, even as you did it.

It is the kind of objectification pornography that feminists like to object to on the grounds that it is considered abusive.  From many perspectives, it is considered odd that other women quite like this form of pornography because it generally has a storyline and involves an unusually long element of foreplay because that is the nature of submission porn.

There are several events on in Glasgow this week, should you be interested in meeting these women. I took the trouble of researching them today.  When you return to abusing the company computers to see what I say next, here are the events where you can meet submissive women and masochists this week.  Feel free to bring your wife, should you have one.  Or not as the case may be.  Should you happen to be a submissive bisexual male, I am sure this can also be accommodated by some big hairy man who isn’t fussy about little skinny boys who don’t understand what responsibility is:

The Glasgow Dungeon:  Hengler’s Circus 351-363 Sauchiehall Street

This one has an entry fee, but if you like performing in public, you will learn about submission on Friday July 27th at 8pm.  It is £10 to get in, but you are welcome to wear your bare-assed chaps or whatever people wear to these events. I am sure you will be made most welcome.

On Sunday 29th there are two events, T cup and Brush up in the afternoon and evening respectively.  T cup seems to be aimed at ladies who like tea, so this might be a good option to look for potential victims or a dominatrix, which might help you enormously.  Brush up starts at 6pm and relates to people who like medical play, which seems a little bit vicious, but it might be your thing, I do not wish to know.

The Counting House, George Square

Thursday night, 26th also sees the munch at the above, which is probably free to get into, and I would assume this is an older, less flashy but probably considerably more talented crowd. This starts at 8pm.

Sir John Moore, Argyll Street, Glasgow

Saturday night at 6pm sees a more casual event called Kinky drinks at the above.  Look for the table with the sunflowers.

Good luck.  I am sure you can both find the lady you are looking for if you actually try.

Toodle pip,









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It never ceases to amaze me how much people think they can take the piss.

I am now taking legal advice.

I do not see why I would tolerate this after all these years.  I’ve had enough.

On a lighter note, something weird is happening on a personal level.  I have barely thought about Wolfe for three months, which is not so good. and perversely, I look out for SB2 on the website every day, although I at no point claimed to have any depth of feeling for him or particular belief that anything was going to work out.  I was just doing my usual distraction tactic because I did not want to think about what happened to my mother. He was delightful to look at, but apparently furious with me when I stopped participating in the hilarious fake flirting. I certainly don’t feel like writing  after that repulsive episode.

He is neither a safe nor a particularly nice person on the evidence presented, so I do not plan to bother finding out what he thought he was playing at, since he would not tell the truth anyway. What would be the point?

I, however am a safe and very nice person, so I do not see why I would tolerate a series of stupid little boys trying to drag my name through the mud and causing me any financial difficulty because they thought it would be a laugh to see me terrified enough to presumably want to bonk SB1.   That seems to have been the idea anyway.

This is not healthy, nor funny behaviour and I made it entirely clear to the people I spoke to that my aim was to prevent anything like this happening to anybody else.  Instead I get yet more stupid little boys thinking they can talk smack to me and I will just roll over and die.

No thanks, I think I come after you all directly. I do not see why I would be held to a different set of rules than the rest of the office.  I got several emails inviting me out for drinks in the course of working there, and nobody got fired over that.

Fuck you all very much for being really nasty individuals.


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5 weeks on

It has now been five weeks since I was deprived of the notice I was entitled to in addition to being put out of work by a bunch of guys I wouldn’t have hired in the first place, and whom I would not allow near staff since they obviously don’t know anything about management.

Today I was rejected for a data entry job that I know a nineteen year old with very little experience is working on.

This failed to amuse, strangely enough, and I am now working on my other project whilst wondering why I have to listen to people who weren’t born when I started working telling me that I am suddenly incapable of doing very simple jobs.

I had two interviews yesterday, I have another one tomorrow, and another one next week, despite the best efforts of most of the people I am encountering.

I do wonder about some places.  Two of the worst paying jobs I applied for also have rotating shift patterns to ensure that you cannot work a second job whilst doing it.  Does it not occur to people that there is no good reason for taking a bad job?  Do they believe that underpaying people also gives them a license to take their time from them without any sense of how they are going to manage?

I had a boss with a cocaine problem years ago.  He tried to impose mandatory shifts on dishwashers.  You can imagine how that turned out.

In the meantime, I have other work to do, so that I never have to deal with this problem again.

This is all extremely tiresome, and if anybody imagines that I will ever forgive them for this, they are sadly mistaken.  Their bad decisions are not my business and I should not be having to pay for them.

I saw an advert for someone to run a building site for a tenner an hour today.  Yeah, because we need unlimited competition for wages like a hole in the head.


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Positive Progress

The dude came through for me, so the crops are temporarily saved.  I will be managing several teams shortly.

What a relief!  I have literally done nothing but apply for jobs for a full month.  Now I can do some weeding, or go for a walk, or take a drive without feeling terrified.

Sorry to disappoint you SB1, but I spent 22 years terrified because of the scum family, so that synapse is pretty frazzled.  Fear ain’t fun, and it certainly isn’t attractive.

Let’s talk about steroids:

Hair loss



Inability to control weight without them

Mood swings and uncontrolled behaviour

Too much testosterone hence the whacky fantasy life

Shrunken testicles

Inability to perform

Greasy skin

None of which is remotely attractive.


Counselling would be more helpful.  Preferably from a skilled psychotherapist.

In the meantime, I have a ton of work to do on the projects, so I probably won’t be updating as much for the next month or three.

Boris is looking gorgeous.  I’m glad you got the pressure off, sweetpea.  Rooting for you. No word from the Viscount so far.





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Knowing your own worth

It is very difficult, if you happen to be me, to know your own worth.

I get bored very quickly if I am tolerably good at stuff, and I am a knowledge nut – one of the main problems with the last job was that it was not really possible to get the knowledge you felt relevant because it was more of a rule based system that had little in the way of depth.

I am hearing that the people who are still there are being told not to worry about the endless new errors.

Anyway this week I have bigger interviews with bigger people.  Last weeks interviews were with small people for small things.  They haven’t got back to me yet.

Only one interview with a male, and I think that is the only one I have a hope of getting to be honest, as he appreciated my straightforward method of communication.  Having spent most of my time with men over the years I am not sufficiently interested in whether people like me as a rule. Anyway, the dude was all about the work, which I like, and I quite fancy organising teams across major venues, so hopefully I have secured a couple of weeks at least.

The other one was with a call centre that I see from their reviews has an atrocious management system.  That should be helpful, not.  I am now considering whether I should distill the art of management into a book, since nobody seems to know what it is anymore.

The 20 year old that had been sent to interview me was quivering and barking at the same time, asking me questions more appropriate for a school leaver.  She then tried to tell me that in order to tell me whether I had this terrible job she would have to ‘wash up’ and ‘brush up.’

This was clearly management speak for this place.  I also noted that they had squashed an HR department of 20 people into a room I would not keep a cat in, it was so small.

I look forward to my new business cards arriving so that I may go back to my own kind, in my more pleasant idea of surroundings.  We shall see if I can make some space for me to operate effectively, since apparently nobody can read or interpret with any art at all.

I found a fascinating programme provided by adzuna to measure your worth in terms of salary. I did this because I realised that I was pitching too low, on one hand, and did not, because of the ongoing problems with shrunken booze brains, have any opportunity of earning what I’m actually worth.  It turned out that the figure I had guesstimated for my patchwork life was exactly correct, and I am getting slightly better results in terms of return from jobs paying slightly better.

I really need two jobs.  I haven’t stopped trying to make this happen since my mother was killed.  I am taking the view that I need to make Ina, or something along these lines my second job and not worry about stupid people any more.

I miss my mother.  She would have said something sarcastic and yet encouraging at this point. Why are people so fucking stupid?


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Hilariously, one of my former colleagues, if you could call them that, patiently mansplained that Staring Brat 1 was 35 last night.

This was because he had no clue what age I am.

I am sure this is very flattering, however Staring Brat 1 went to the trouble of inventing a reason for needing our dates of birth shortly after we started in order to find this information.  He knew perfectly well I was considerably older than him.

He then mansplained that SB2 was thin and small.  Yeah, he was when I made the comment about his being beautiful, he then became less beautiful by the day as he got bigger and bigger.  Evidently he hadn’t noticed the growth spurt during my time there.  The last time I saw SB2, which was about ten days ago, he was almost as big as SB1.  He achieved this in about 8 weeks.  What on earth was the point in losing all that weight if all he was going to do was turn into a giant brute?

Twisty has suggested that this is his idea of being a man.  He can keep it, along with his idea of being married.  Not having to deal with bullshit like this is just heavenly.

It is great having somebody with less experience and less interest in work mansplaining or worse, actively trying to damage your life.  If only these people could experience it. As they fumble in the dark at home I am sure they imagine that they are in control by making a complete twat of themselves.

I actively avoided complaining about Staring Brat 1, because I could see how hopeless he was.  This was a mistake.  My friend is right, when these things happen you should go for the jugular every time.

I, however, chose to work with men for years.  I found that the less gender tension I tolerated from them, the fewer stupid problems I had to deal with, so I am a generous and tolerant leader as a rule. Nobody is humiliated, nobody gets to humiliate anybody else.  Simples.

Unfortunately, these people have not either been trained, done any reading, or gained any experience.  For some reason this means they get hundreds of pounds a day and I get fired for a reason they simply invented for ‘good and fun entertainment,’ because they were unhappy at home, a bit inadequate, and a big bit stupid.

Staring Brat 2 was a different matter.  A whole lot of separate problems, starting with the ‘seriousness – beautiful’ comment which was entirely out of my hands.  I have not previously made such a comment.  I think the only previous episode which even remotely resembles it was 22 years ago, and that spoilt boy got three whole months of my attention.

Anyway, none of that helps now. I am still considered unemployable by neds, and only the snob value jobs seem to be taking much of an interest.  A hotel which charges £400 a night would like to talk to me this week.  I am wary of this level of exclusivity.

I have started another three projects now, on the basis of building an income later.  This looks like a whole lot of intense work, but if it frees me up to return to the plan it will be helpful.  I cannot be bothered with all these delays.  I want life to be now, not whilst I am having to make endless contingency plans.

I am hugely comforted by the fact that all three of the people who decided to entertain themselves by causing me problems when my mother had just been killed by similarly stupid people will have miserable, boring and bitter little lives, followed by a painful old age and will probably be murdered in a hospital somewhere eventually.

That doesn’t pay my bills, however, and it doesn’t make what they did to me go away.


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