motivation

For all you lovely married people

June 13, 2018 No Comments

I have never been remotely interested in married people. With Wolfe, this was not discovered for years, and even when it was it was kind of irrelevant because if you can’t accept that Wolfe is a bit of a slapper, you wouldn’t last long as a potential partner anyway.

Likewise, Boris has an evident agreement with his childhood sweetheart, and in neither case was an outcome likely.

So today, I am talking about the kind of married people that want to have extra-marital guilt sex because they think their genitals are, for the reason of them having tied them to someone else legally, far more exciting than everyone else’s.

Trust me when I tell you your genitals are just as boring and emotional distress is not an interesting or happy state to be in. In order to find someone that thinks otherwise, you are probably better going for immature, bitter, spoilt and preferably stupid people who get off on being miserable.

Personally, I would regard it as a character defect to be reduced to bonking husbands, so I have never found it remotely appealing. The kind of women who tell themselves that this is ‘no strings fun’ are rather sad and have usually been terribly betrayed themselves.

I rather prefer my over-optimism. I will probably never see the charming, witty and fierce individual that I have in my head, but I am not ruining anyone else’s party finding out.

So, married people, keep your tedious genitalia to yourself and save it for your squawking brats, paying the mortgage and stop wasting everyone else’s time.

https://youtu.be/QvWj18LeU1g

creativity, motivation

The Joy of Work

June 12, 2018 No Comments

Got some more products for Ina underway. I think I would like to add a bunch of logo based products to some of the print-on-demand lines and maybe actually add the link to the website as things are a bit bitty at the moment. (I started a project with Wolfe’s face on VIDA, and haven’t done any more with it.

Working on the screenplay for my film director ex, who is now sitting downstairs with fake Boris and DOING MY HEAD IN with nagging. This is the hazard of making people well, really, isn’t it?

We need to establish that the camera is talking to the computers this morning too.

It is so nice to be able to make some progress. I actually feel physically better as a result. Managed to get 12k in yesterday.

Now aware of being unpleasantly besotted with the IBM, but being able to think about it without actual terror is a huge relief.

I wish I could say that I am a more cool and disengaged person generally as it would probably make my workflow less erratic, but I do seem to be a bundle of emotional nerves generally and it is probably quite central to my work.

A more interesting IBM short story is on the way, possibly today, but we shall see how it goes with the screenplay and sorting out the camera issues before I think about getting the car back.

Trying to think how best to approach getting better at the actual job. I evidently have issues with the process. It ought to be obvious, but my brain is not liking it, so I have to think around the problem. I am sure I will think of something before my return to work.

So happy to be at home. I looked into the alternatives yesterday, and short of buying a very cheap aircraft hangar, I am afraid I, and indeed anyone, would rather be here. The selfish little shits will just have to spend their own money rather than mine.

And so begins the mammoth and obstacle ridden journey towards being Ina Disguise whilst persuading the IBM of my sometimes honorable intentions.

Waves,

Ina

motivation, politics

Solid Self Perception

June 11, 2018 No Comments

Image result for boris johnson

If you want to change your life, the first thing to do is change your self-perception.

If you want to change someone else’s, the first thing to do is change their self-perception.

This, I have learned over the years, can be positive or negative, and even at my strongest ever, I have serious problems when I am challenged. This is for a variety of reasons, the main one being the residual symptoms of CPTSD. This weakness makes my reaction to irrational or illogical insults a little bit slow.

I simply do not understand why I am, like Boris, a magnet for bile. Herd mentality means that once one sheep baas, several more follow no matter what you do, and the only real solution to it is to completely ignore it and carry on being your own positive and definitive self.

I have got a lot better at strategy with large groups however, and I am hoping that I retain this implicit knowledge and put it to good use. I have no idea of the rules of the wall game, but losing to win is working well for me.

I am wearing my logo a lot at the moment, for my own benefit as much as anyone else’s. It makes the other things I do make sense. The bigger picture is always positive, always positive, always positive.

I am bored stiff with the cabling issue now. They have arrived, but do not work with the director and editors Mac. This means I will have to do the editing and it is very time consuming. I also need to verify that it can be done on the computers here. It is all tiresome in the extreme.

I have managed to fix the sick film director. I dragged him back up here and fed him pineapple and coffee every time he woke up. It took roughly six hours to get him on his feet, and at the twelve hour point he is breathing easily and able to consider doing things other than bore me senseless about his imminent death. Even someone who has seen me fix my health issues twice, in the form of extreme weight loss and age reversal, and who witnessed me saving my mother’s life when the NHS couldn’t, apparently needs me to stand over him with a sharpened stick poking the stuff down his throat.

He is now well enough to be demanding a spanking. He has been asking for this for seventeen years now, and I still can’t be bothered, so I am not sure how long he thinks it will take before I get around to it.

Such is life in the beehive. I will be working all night tonight, as the air pressure issue is making me rather sleepy just now.

Don’t worry Boris, all this will pass, and it will be fine. By order! I want to see a book on someone better than Churchill the killer.

Smooches,

Ina

creativity, motivation

Moroccan Boys

June 8, 2018 No Comments

There seem to be an awful lot of them, for a start. I am not sure what happens to all the spare girls. I haven’t bothered to look up the rates of infanticide before posting.

The first thing I noticed when I initially arrived was the mark. They all have the mark. Very few Moroccan street boys don’t have a little round scar under their jawline from where someone has pressed a knife to enforce rules of some sort.

The second thing I noticed was the sliding scale of racism. One of the worst racial incidents I have ever seen was in Morocco. Two oriental people were trying to board a plane to the UK, and they were summarily dragged off it. Another East Asian from London complains bitterly on Tripadvisor on how badly he was treated in Morocco.

I am usually treated extremely well, because I am very down to earth and I am quite savvy. There is a kind of hive mind, where if you don’t piss people off, you are under the protection of a selection of random strangers, and I have been fortunate several times that I seem to be OK.

“Are you American? English? German? French? Ooooh you are Scottish.” Big smiles and offers of mint tea usually follow, thanks to the Moroccan love of football.

Besides that, Marrakech in particular is basically just the Barras and the merchant city dropped into the Sahara. If you aren’t a moron, you will be fine, but hell mend you if you are. I also recommend you do your shopping after midnight, as that is when the locals do it during the hotter months.

I could go into detail and tell you some amusing tales of people trying to rip me off, but Berbers regard this as a game, and if you win they quite like you for it. If you have an attitude or you are horrible, you will not have a good time, so basically go somewhere where your bullshit is appreciated.

I will never forget the boy who was sent to perform the carpet shop con. The carpet shop con is where a 19 year old or so is sent to offer to be your guide. He is usually quite cute apart from the scars. The boy who was sent after me on this occasion was heavily scarred and physically shaking because he knew he wouldn’t get far with me. I was bulk buying wool at the wrong end of the souk in Marrakech.

“I will show you the tannery? ” he said hopefully.

“Nope, I am buying wool.”

“The dyers?”

“Buying wool”

“Argan Oil?”

“Wool”

“Carpet shop?

“Look mate, I make carpets. I’ll sell you a fucking carpet OK?” He was utterly terrified, especially when about ten of my friends mobbed him to tell him to stop. I actually felt sorry for him because I knew he would probably get another slash across the face for not managing to drag me up there.

The idea is that you get very lost in the medina, and then you are dragged to a shop where you are shown a selection of very expensive carpets whilst drinking tea and whilst the store owner figures out how much money they can sting you for. Why they wanted me is a mystery, given that I had wisely chosen to wear my studio clothes on that trip. I was as scruffy and covered in paint as everyone else.

Anyway, the training for this starts with street performance as a child. One of my favourites was a low level firework which you watched whilst a child robbed you. This time I was rescued by the food vendors in Jemaa el-Fnaa, who dissuaded the tiny team from going through my 12 pockets.

I love Berbers but don’t learn management strategy from a Berber. Ruling by fear and a knife is not the same as leadership, and lying through your teeth all day every day is not a happy way to live. By all means learn haggling, but not management.

motivation

Very upset

June 8, 2018 No Comments

The employer, or the audience, is looking through the posts on SB to ascertain what has happened.

I am a very open person these days, and I am quite glad of it actually.

This dude started off being super polite, and as long as I looked as if I fancied him was very attentive following the initial comment about his seriousness being beautiful. (how raunchy lol). The problem arose when it was established that he was with someone and I knew about it.

I went to some lengths to repeatedly apologise for my saying it, and assumed that his more unpleasant behaviour was down to stress.

At no point during this episode did he stop staring at me. I do not know what that is all about. I even said to my friend last night – why does he keep looking at me as if he is very hungry and about to eat me?

I did not attempt to use any of his unpleasantness against him. Quite the reverse, when he sent my email to his employer trying to get me fired I recommended him as a great manager, and when I sent the letter about changing shifts I specifically said the weekend staff were great rather than mentioning him then.

Last night, I sent a message asking whether I could give him the book (on CPTSD) without him becoming angry or hysterical and he responded with more bile about me being inappropriate by asking, with some added abuse about me not being good enough.

I finally cracked as this was my third attempt at defusing the situation and the third humiliation response.

Anyway, I told him that I no longer have any respect for him, that he is very poor at dealing with people and that trying to get me fired over an email had been responded to by telling his bosses how marvellous he was. He has no response to that, strangely enough, short of sitting on the website waiting to see what I say next.

Not that he will apparently understand any of it anyway, but it looks as if Big Fat Kaffir Whore hit the nail on the head. He doesn’t see me as a person, and thinks I exist to be humiliated by a nasty and presumably horny staring brat (why else would you spend most of your time staring at one person? Every time I turned round he was staring)

I wish I could have helped him, but I can’t and I shouldn’t have bothered trying.h

motivation

The Ina dressed as a girl update

June 6, 2018 No Comments

OK I lost interest after 31 minutes and went home to work in the garden.

The statistics are as follows:

I live in a quiet street. Time taken until first four men staring at me 41 seconds.

I passed, in total about a hundred people. Percentage of men that spotted my interesting take on use of underwear – 80%. The others were busy.

Interestingly, I would have been approached or catcalled at least twice a few years ago. This has now become unacceptable and people are more interested in their phones. I could have stayed out and waited but I lost interest and part of the reasoning was the interesting bounce as I walked so I did not think that would be particularly productive.

I did not feel particularly frightened, but I did not bother going through Govanhell, where I was sexually assaulted walking down the street for the first time in ten years. It does seem to have absorbed more families and less single men in recent years however, so it might actually be quite safe now. I pass through it a couple of times a day, but beyond being an alien Scot in the area my mother grew up in, it seems pretty unremarkable apart from the mess now.

I will probably go out for a walk tonight after I finish this post, but I will leave the corsetting until work tomorrow. I am hoping it solves the problem with my back and makes me behave slightly better, although I am still unsure what I am actually doing wrong.

In conclusion, I think I can probably be a bit more feminine without feeling frightened now, although whether I can be bothered is another matter. I am not sure what the point is either, given that I am obviously still quite scared of people generally, and I have not solved this problem yet.

Being treated as an adult might help, although I doubt that will ever happen. I can’t be bothered trying any more. I was probably more of an adult at 25 than I am now.

I really hope we can get things sorted out, but it is up to him. I have an interview on Friday, for a job I would be good at but which would not get me where I want to go.

health, motivation

For one day only

June 6, 2018 No Comments

OK Today I am going to let the evil hormone sprite out and see how long I last outside before some guy tries to drag me back to his cave.

This means I look like a girl today, and have made no concessions at all for other people’s bullshit.

Look out world.

If I continue to feel reasonably safe doing this, which I probably won’t, I might keep doing it.

I will let you know how it goes.

creativity, motivation

Post 400 – work etiquette

June 6, 2018 No Comments

I got some mail asking questions about the last month or so of posts, so I am going to answer them in this post, which is by coincidence, the 400th post.

In reference to the IBM – “Are you stupid? Why are you apologising for a compliment?”

It is not appropriate in this situation for me to be complimenting this person, and I heard myself do it rather than thinking about it. Some people it would not matter but it upset him, upset me and it should not have happened. If I acted like it didn’t matter then I would not be the very serious and slightly geeky chick that I actually am.

Why would you be leaving over it?

I have had people get annoyed with me for not being what they expected before – despite my having been very driven in the course of my career, I do resemble a slightly upmarket hippy that has just left an orgy most of the time and people do get the wrong idea. I wish I could be bothered conforming in order to get on with being a work nazi, but I am afraid I am no longer neurotic enough to be as universally good at everything as I used to be. I do not think that this is a bad thing, to be honest as I was not a happy camper, nor was I much fun to work with.

Are you in love or what?

I’m not likely to be around long enough to find out, but at no point have I made such a claim. The dude has my every sympathy for the issues relating to nerves and ambition, and I want him to have the career I didn’t get to have.

Why didn’t you get annoyed?

I’m very annoyed – with myself.

What is going to happen to you?

Nothing pleasant, but that isn’t new.

Why is it such a big deal?

I am a person, not a robot, and if I do not treat myself as if I matter, nobody else will. They like to try to make me feel bad anyway, so I don’t see why I should stand there and take it. It hasn’t served me well in the past, and it won’t now.

Aren’t you just procrastinating rather than getting on with your project?

A bit, but there are a lot of other issues affecting the project at the moment. The car is in the garage, Twisty is on the way to hospital, and my family is being unpleasant, so I have to prioritise. The timing has to be right for Boris anyway.

When are you going to stop worrying about other people and take care of yourself?

As soon as I am not upsetting anybody, which is probably never.

Thank you for reading the blog for the last 3 years or so, and I hope to be more progressive shortly.

creativity, motivation

Ina Disguise Recovery

June 5, 2018 No Comments

We have just reached the user level I was at before the website crashed at the end of 2016. We have never reached post Brexit referendum figures, which I am glad about, because I like to be able to keep track of at least two of my daily visitors. I am very grateful for their continuing support.

Blog readers seem to be mainly separate from readers of the books or viewers of the other pages, which is a shame because I like to veer between different skillsets. I am almost over my uniform rage following my mother’s death (see posts from August to December 2017 for why that would be)

I have been pretty lazy about pushing some things forward of late. This job, which I fought to get because I wanted to get back into this particular arena, is quite intensive in terms of mind space use, mainly because the shifts are very long and the job relies on your ability to follow complex documents. I am not as great at that as I used to be. I am better at some things, and worse at others. I need to work on that, but I think I am better at deciding on alone time than I used to be.

Nevertheless, I am now at the point where I need to sew, which is good, although I would like to also work on Lucifer Ogilvie, as it is more cheerful than real life. I cannot think about Boris for long without feeling a bit happier about life in general.

So, given that I will inevitably need a new laptop soon, I will need to push on with the stuff I can do.

Hopefully I should be able to make some progress on the Toby Jugs and Wolfe’s cameo before I make serious headway on the chair. Call me Al needs some finishing work, which will take a few days, and I have some resin to go ahead and complete Darius Guppy and Iain Duncan Smith at last.

Otherwise, I am feeling a bit sad, as the car is seriously ill again and I do not want to let it die. This is not a good time of year for that, but I have a couple of interviews for additional work on the go, so hopefully that will make life a bit easier pending my probable change of job.

It is tiresome, doing the right thing, but then so is the predictability of humans.

creativity, health, motivation

FTAO the Incredibly Beautiful Man

June 4, 2018 No Comments

Started work on story five, thought it was a bit too overt so I am awaiting a less raunchy one I think,

I probably need some help in the form of another person before I lay down the overhead design on the chair, so I will need a visitor to come and sit in the shell. Twisty may do it if he feels better soon.

I am going to make one last stab at this, since we are not at work at the moment.

Ina Disguise exists to look at beautiful men. The name was created in honour of Wolfe, for reasons which he will fully grasp due to one of his naughtier habits on facebook. I have no issue with failed romance, because that is what sparks off any work I do. The only aberration so far has been Boris. Boris is here because I like Boris, and because he provides a very helpful counterpoint to my other work.

I have no idea how to make things OK between us.

I have tried conversation to redirect us a bit, and we seem to be heading in the direction of frustrated aggression. I do not want this to be the case.

I had no idea you were with anyone, and to be honest, I did not intend to say anything to you in the first place. It was out of my hands entirely.

Twisty would verify that you had not even been mentioned before I told you your seriousness was astonishingly beautiful. Basically every other particle of me knew before I did, to cut a long story short. The only other thing I can say I remember is you telling somebody on the shift you would need to think about something (relatively pointless) before answering them, and I apparently found that rather charming.

You did not appear to be worried or upset by it until last weekend or so. I do not know if your relationship is new or if something bothered you about me knowing about it, but it doesn’t really matter now. You should just have said in the first place. I said the wrong thing, and I fully accept that, although it was not apparently something I could help.

Now the problem is impending hostility, and I would rather there wasn’t any. I have every respect for your management ability, with the exception of the brusque bits, which are not necessary and which will not do you any favours in the future.

When people seem to double-talk you, it is usually because they are scared or anxious for other reasons, and the most helpful response is to laugh so that they are comfortable to explain things to you.

My computer, which I advised you was not connecting with the drive, has now been flagged by bank security systems as being faulty, so I was not lying to you or being difficult at all.

Thank you for staying outwith a four foot radius, as the rockets are not nearly so bad, although there does seem to be some cumulative effect from being in the same room for twelve hours. The constant ovulation thing has happened twice before, but not with the associated physical symptoms making it incredibly difficult when we are in a training room, for example. Chemistry is a strange thing, and it is not something either of us can do anything about.

I am very sorry that I cannot get off the shift and leave you and your friend in peace, especially as the entire situation is very upsetting for me. I appreciate that you have other things that are of far more interest, but I am not at all happy to be trapped in this situation. I do not need any more unpleasantness in my life when my family are busy planning to destroy my home.

Please can we either sort things out so that you are reassured of my continuing support, or avoid future communication so that I can get on with my work? Either way will have little impact on completion of the work as Ina Disguise. I do not require more feeding to produce output. I just don’t want to be frightened any more, and I would rather we did not fall out over something I cannot help. If this cannot be resolved then I have to leave the job very soon.

Ina

« Previous 1 … 15 16 17 18 19 … 34 Next »