motivation - Ina Disguise

Dinner for One

October 21, 2018 No Comments

One of the great things about having absolutely nobody is that I get to eat like a proper person. This is dinner, at 2am.

One peculiarity of the last month or so is that India is featuring so heavily. You would think I would run another 6000 miles or whatever it is to get away, wouldn’t you?

It is actually coincidental, but rather hilarious. I also have a growing following from India on the website.

I think my next crazy adventure trip will actually be to Dubai, but I suppose I could be flexible.

I am waiting to hear from a company in India about a job which if I get it means I will be commuting from the USA to India from the comfort of the house, so I won’t have to see any more people ever again, which would be nice after that experience.

I am waiting to hear how the lovely author is getting on with my marketing strategy, although he doesn’t seem to be doing his homework so I may have to kick his ass a bit.

I did have to block one man, who was looking for his friend in Germany, because he got bossy very quickly and I was very busy promoting the Porn Star story at the time.

The Porn Star has unfortunately disappeared, so I am a bit sad about that. He was really sweet, probably too nice to be a Porn Star. I am told my my new companion that he does this from time to time so we will see if he gets in touch so that I can continue with that one.

I have to say grieving is not pleasant. When it was my father I was working for the government, and I had a crew of very silly old ladies trying to tell me how to walk straight as I was trying to keep my mother from giving up the ghost entirely.

When it was my uncle my mother was even more upset, and I spent about a year feeding her on a variety of nutritious puddings to stop her from giving up

When it was my best friend, my family were particularly nasty and I had to fight to keep my mother out of care, which she would also have had to fund, so it is particularly funny that my family still object to my saving them ten years or so in care costs.

Now it has been my mother and I did not have to deal with her stupid children, along comes Little Shiva to stab me in the face. Everybody I have met since she died has been unpleasant in one way or another. Clearly the future is locking the door and throwing away the key.

Anyway, hopefully I will bag the Indian job, and then we can talk further about the possibilities in Dubai. If I am doing a USA/India commute life will get far easier all round.

Ina

business, motivation

Stupid People are Nasty

October 20, 2018 No Comments

We finally seem to have gotten rid of Little Shiva.

It was around about the post to his wife this week. I am not sure if he is actually so far gone that he had not previously noticed that she knew about the website in July.

She presumably lied to him. People do, for all sorts of twisted reasons. He certainly never told her about it, her complaint in this regard is in the conversation we had.

I’m sure he was expecting to be rewarded by hoovering up me sounding confused, hurt and increasingly desperate because, after all, he did ensure that an already bad situation was made considerably worse, for no reason at all.

The sadist, I can imagine, regarded this as a form of ‘blooding’. It appears from everything I have witnessed to do with the company involved, that this is how they spend their working day.

I can confirm that they certainly don’t spend it working. The higher up the food chain in banking contracting, the less work you do and the more unpleasant you get to be. I have hundreds of friends doing it, and taken as a collective, I have never seen so many posts complaining of mental illness and the stifling of their careers.

By all accounts, however, Little Shiva had done this before, several times that the people in the office had witnessed. I am probably unusual in that the long term staff actually told me.

His wife seemed to think this was hilarious, to the point of being stupid enough to put it in writing. So, as you can see, brains do not go with the stinking attitude you apparently require in this business. She is a new graduate, with limited experience, so it is only when it is done to her that she will understand that this is not OK.

I however, have had people doing similar things to me for most of my life. In fact, I am doing a job at the moment in which I have no reason to see or speak to anyone and apparently even producing anonymous work has attracted some unwanted attention.

You can take it from this that I am a magnet for people’s bile, and there seems to be no escape from it. I don’t think that there is now an alternative to rising above it, since there is so much of it about.

The problem with being stupid and nasty, is that there is always a bigger, stupider and nastier person to take advantage of it, and if you suffer from these conditions, they inevitably will.

When I started on the contract, the first thing I noticed was that Little Shiva was being dumped with work nobody else wanted and belittled by his extremely small minded sadistic friend. He made a series of blisteringly stupid assumptions about everybody in the office. Somebody somewhere had told him that Africans were stupid, Indians were to be manipulated and women were to be bullied into whatever you wanted to do to them.

You would think that this would be noticed and this guy would be sent to the abattoir that such people usually work in, but no, not in contracting. In contracting the man who creates the pivot table is apparently king, regardless of his ability to actually do the more important and expensive elements of the job.

This is about responsibility. The people in charge of these contracts only understand the paperwork. They do not understand about costings, people, training or anything else, and this is what the company needs to resolve.

As I have said, the previous contracting company that I worked with was not like this at all. Why the company concerned has become so bloated and incompetent is a mystery, however I am now forced to deal with it, so perhaps we can encourage them to understand a bit about really quite basic business.

It is sad yet hilarious to think that these are the very people at the heart of the banking crisis. There is a literal ocean of similar incompetence in the world of banking, all outstandingly well paid, if you can tolerate the waste.

So why is it that stupid people are nasty, in the form of taking your job, killing your mother, spending years of their time twisted up in their beds, getting off on thinking of ways of making your life more miserable?

Wolfe would say it is bad gut bacteria, but I would take that a step further to incorporate their love of self-indulgence. They only think about themselves, and that is a stultifyingly boring thing to do.

motivation

A Cute Post about Racism

October 16, 2018 No Comments

I was confined to the house for several years, not only because my parents needed me, but because the family dysfunction was so aggressive that had I had any kind of normal life, everybody, including my parents would have been at risk from my sisters.

My brother was too selfish to notice, either that my parents might have liked to actually see their grandchildren, or that anything my sisters would do would be upsetting in any way.

In fact, his answer to both problems was to join in and validate their behaviour. This is why absent children are nasty to carers – it is far easier to hate the person doing all the work than offer them any help of any kind. It removes any need for acknowledgement of anything they would have had to give up, or any work that they are doing and you are not. This means you are STILL ENTITLED, and negates any requirement for actually making a contribution of any kind.

During the time I was confined to the house, the only people I saw were my procession of exs, who would drop in when they felt like it. I usually got them to assist in some job or other that required help – since I would not of course be getting any help from the scum family, despite their grubby little hands. They were too busy rubbing them.

This is what respectable people do. They bitch about anybody that actually does any work, and then they take anything they have from them, even when they have very effectively prevented them from having anything approaching a normal life.

At one point I was interviewed by the police to find out if I was actually in conditions of Modern Slavery, so intense was the delusion of one of my charmless relatives.

Anyway, since this post is about racism, I am sure my charming sisters, in particular, are horrified by the events surrounding Little Shiva. They will be delighted to learn that I am now spending some quality time with a rather sweet and equally shocked Muslim. He had assumed that I would write him off as a racist and not want to speak to him.

My exs will of course also be horrified. I had to listen to many, many hours of vile ranting about our immigrant population from at least three exs. What was fascinating to me, as a person who was at the time employed to deal with immigrant populations in terms of extracting information, was the astonishing lack of awareness that meant they did not seem to notice that they were saying these things to someone with no issues at all about race. I think they thought it would rub off eventually. It clearly didn’t.

After the first hundred hours or so of listening to it, I was astonished to find myself questioning what was meant by the bile. On face value, racism is abhorrent, of course, but the ranting conceals fear. Fear of the loss of status, fear of the loss of territory, fear of the unknown. You cannot blame people, particularly people who have suffered loss, for being tribal.

You can however get annoyed with the colour related elements, but I think since a lot of newer immigrants to Scotland are actually Eastern European and therefore white, the colour-based racism has actually dissipated in favour of the fear of overcrowding and being sold somebody’s child. Some of the most eager proponents of curbing immigration that I have interviewed are actually Hindu and Muslim. They understand, apparently a whole lot better than the Scots do, that borders are relevant and precious. Hindus in particular are often very right wing and not at all worried about saying so.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, racism has been studied quite extensively and has common elements which should be grasped before making assumptions that you ‘just hate’ somebody. I am sure I am not the only person that finds they have more in common with other nations than I do with the English as a general rule. This is, of course, partially due to the artificially generated tension that our lovely country likes to employ to keep the jocks in their place, but it is an odd concept.

Personally, when I lived in England, I found ignoring them helpful.

What you can get most irritated about is the lack of concern for the person next to you and the willingness to cause harm. That is nothing to do with race, and everything to do with a mean spirit and grasping nature. That is more likely to get you killed than anything to do with race.

health, motivation

Depressing is frightfully popular

October 14, 2018 No Comments

Depressing is frightfully popular.

That is because the readers of this page are mostly spiteful, mentally ill people who wish to do me harm.

You would need to decide by looking in the mirror why you have these problems.

Nobody took your time from you. Nobody asked you for anything. Nobody cost you your job. Nobody did anything other than provide better than the best possible care for my mother, far beyond what she was getting elsewhere.

It is not for me to recommend who you go to to resolve your issues. I have other things to do. There are hundreds of thousands of people who need help, because they do not even know what is being done to them via the pharmaceutical companies, the medical services and the law.

You could, if you wanted to, actually research it and you would find out that you are lied to every day of your lives, but I doubt that any of you can be bothered. Instead you will sit, slack jawed and try to blame me for – what – ever – you – invent – because – you – just – can’t – be -bothered – putting – the – work – in.

To take one drug that my mother was put in as an example: She was put on one (unnamed) drug which allegedly kept stomach acid down. It had the named side effects of making her dementia worse, causing pain to joints and reducing her appetite. I replaced this with a diet which was anti-viral, anti-inflammatory and which contained a balance of nutrients to improve her memory. I spent years developing it, because of what had been done to my father.

My relatives were told several times that her diet was of paramount importance to keep her well. They not only ignored this, but continued to bitch to any available medical personnel, to the point that I was hounded out of the hospital entirely by aggressive staff.

Instead of getting visibly angry about this, I created the project which I am now having to rethink because of my stupid non-friend, who also happens to be a psychology graduate and former nurse.

He has verified on numerous occasions that nurses are far from being angels. They carry out the orders of the higher levels of the NHS, who not only have policy targets to meet, but are trained to disregard information that does not suit them.

There are previous posts during the period that I was looking after my mother showing that there is evidence that my care of her worked. The third and final consultant refused to even look at her blood tests, so determined was she that my mother was not to survive.

I object to this. I had a legal right to be heard. I was not listened to. I was battered with yet more bitching from my relatives via a third party as usual because they are not only vile, they are also cowards, and I will never forgive any of them for what they did.

creativity, motivation

On the Subject of Boris

October 13, 2018 No Comments

Right, before I get any more dubious fan mail asking for my opinion of this or that, perhaps I need to explain this again:

I do not focus on individuals in terms of staring at them or hanging on their every word. I do not pick on people I necessarily agree with or feel that I have everything in common with them.

Boris is an unusual case in that I have always suspected that we would get on exceptionally well, because we have a very similar background in terms of loose eccentricity and not feeling the need to agree on anything. We both have an awareness of the futility of seeking perfection, because essentially nothing is ever right in the first place.

Basically, all my work is a kind of emotional impressionism, which is entwined with my love of code and word games.

The work for Wolfe was probably purer, because it was less flash, in many respects. That is because I was younger and less confident, for one thing, and because it was purely about longing, for another. Wolfe and I would probably kill each other within 24 months, but it would be a fun 24 months and we would probably emerge as more dynamic people, provided we weren’t dead.

Boris brings in a whole lot of new themes and thoughts, given that I do have a large-scale interest in politics – that is to say – I do not care about what people did last week – I care about the philosophy, economics and direction. In the event, therefore that Boris wishes to stick his foot in it, he is welcome to do so and I will look on it much the same way as i look on a snowdrop growing in the wrong part of the garden.

Please do not send me any more drivel referring to Boris’s opinion on Russia or anything else. I neither know nor care why Russia would particularly care what we were doing. Frankly I am surprised that Russia would be interested at all. I tend to look on Russia as a bit of a prankster nation, in the same way that I look on Germany as a little spoilt ten year old in a bath holding a plastic boat. Every few years Russia likes to look up from her book and say “Remember how very, very scary I am.” Then she waggles her finger and goes back to reading dark comedies.

It is a very American theme, inducing fear of Russia, and America is a disordered teenager with too many weapons. America is far further from being civilised than America is capable of understanding, so, no, I don’t give a shit about Russia. Russia has great literature and a sense of humour. America has a bad case of narcissism in comparison, so gaslighting everybody else to try to goad Russia makes perfect sense.

NO MORE DRIVEL ABOUT BORIS. I’M WORKING.

Ina

motivation

Letter to Blank

October 10, 2018 No Comments

Dear Director of Blank,

I contacted customer services this week to find out how to have my website blocked from your servers. I require either someone who takes misuse of Blank resources seriously, or I simply require the address of IT Services so that I may ask them to do it. It takes seconds for IT to do this, and means that Blank staff will no longer be able to access my site at work.

I made this request as earlier this year, I was terminated from a contract for sending a member of staff an instant message offering them a book about stress. I was told that this was inappropriate use of Blank resources. This despite the same staff member circulating my website amongst your staff for no apparent reason that I can fathom against my wishes.

As the individual concerned still works at Blank, I am sure he would be more comfortable in the knowledge that staff were not staring at my website, and since evidently he is acceptable, and I am not, to the point that the contract company has permanently damaged my record and any prospective career has been completely destroyed, surely it would be better to eradicate all trace of me from the workplace? I have applied for work at Blank a number of times now, and apparently I will never be able to return thanks to this incident.

Imagine my surprise on contacting customer services to be told by Blankette that she was unable to even consider contacting the relevant person as staff are entitled to do what they like with computers in their ‘down time,’ (why would they be having down time at work?) and that any concerns I have are a ‘civil matter.’ She clearly does not know what she is saying. In what way is simply doing as I ask a civil matter? It has nothing to do with either of us. I just want my website free of stupid people and irrelevant hits, and I would prefer Little Shiva not to have a nervous breakdown because of his own rubbish.

Not only am I to lose my income and any prospects with Blank for sending an instant message, I cannot even have any consideration in terms of ensuring that staff at Blank are unable to pester me or the person that got me fired whilst they are supposed to be working for Blank.

I strongly suspect that nobody actually has any rules at Blank, and that you simply make it up as you go along according to the laziest, stupidest and most irritating option. That is not good business, now is it?

Ina

motivation

The Car Crash Couple

October 9, 2018 No Comments

Right, I don’t know whether you have given your wife your old phone, but her imagination appears to be running wild and a lot of old and very irrelevant posts are being hit in Edinburgh. FYI ‘Trapped’ referred to my being unable to get off the shift with your tiresome hubby so that he could be happy with the gorgeous chick he apparently wasn’t bonking. I still have quite a few of these posts, so don’t go inventing any more bullshit.

Let us be abundantly clear – no fondling, groping, blowing kisses, singing, untoward smiling, eyelash battering took place at any point. Absolutely nothing about your husband induced any happiness. My entire relationship with your husband has consisted of me desperately trying to communicate whilst he complained, stared, bitched about me with the beautiful chick and otherwise was a pain in the ass. He is not genuinely interested in me at all. I am an object to throw things at. I do not really exist.

At no point did he connect with me as a human being, never mind a potential partner. Do you seriously think someone that cares about you plays along with a Sadist who is trying to get you fired? Especially when you’re grieving for your mother and alone. Nobody is that dumb.

You are barking up the wrong tree. I do not do creative work for people I forsee actually copulating with as a general rule. The whole point is that it is unrequited. Should someone wish to call my bluff at some point, I will probably stop working altogether unless it is a mutual project like changing the face of international healthcare or running the country.

I am now in touch with the bank to repair the rest of the damage inflicted by your dumb husband. I have even bothered to block him on linkedin, which he updates only slightly more often than I do. It took some months to accept that it was even him in the pic.

LOL

Ina

health, motivation

Things I have Learned this Year

October 8, 2018 No Comments

Things I have learned since meeting Wolfe last year:

Sometimes your wildest imaginings are real, and your normal mundane life can crush you so much that you just can’t see it.
You should never let other people dictate your self-image. I let a couple of minor workers tell me I was nothing, and I believed it, which wasted about nine years of my time and his.
Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself is let go of a dream, even if it is incredibly painful.
The only thing that matters is work, but I kind of knew that before, so I am not sure that it really counts.
Having an open mind requires considerable personal strength, but it is worth it.
Never trust authority. People who assume authority roles are automatically dangerous and potentially murderous.
Being kind does not necessarily involve huge amounts of time or energy.
Even when you have been battered a hundred times, keep trying to get past it and eventually you will.
Take nothing too seriously, life is short.
I will never be able to think about Wolfe at all without weeping profusely. I am not sure why this is, I can only assume that the entire episode was a kind of necessary destruction.
Stop worrying about wider implications, particularly on behalf of other people.
The most important things can be the most subtle.
It doesn’t matter how ridiculous you think you are being, you are always learning something, and even if it is something you didn’t think you needed, it leads to something further down the line.
Relentless self-belief is the most important thing you can have.
Never be afraid to show and tell, even when it makes you actually vomit with anxiety.
Fear makes you ill. Drop that.
Boundaries are important, although they are difficult to implement, particularly when the people you are dealing with refuse to recognise them. If this is the case, delete these people.

Things I have learned since my mother’s death at the hands of allegedly professional medical staff.

Never ever trust people who tell you they are professional because they really mean they can do what they like to you and you cannot defend yourself.
There is no such thing as genuine authority or knowledge. The people that tell you that there is are the most dangerous.
No matter how pleasant you are, nobody respects you until you show them your teeth.
Social care systems are actually social engineering systems and are based upon flawed law which was created to protect stupid people from their own mistakes.
Family is the most dangerous construct in the world and having children is not going to help you when you are no longer economically useful to them. My siblings were more than happy to deal with the nurses.
People at work exploit any weakness and do not wish to either learn anything or grow. All they are interested in is hurting other people to make themselves feel better about being unimportant.
There is no such thing as good leadership any more.
We now live in a corporatist hellhole which is getting worse. Nobody cares if you are any good or not, they only care about surviving, which means you are in constant danger as long as you are dealing with other people on a regular basis.
It is not OK to express happiness of any kind.
It is not OK to appreciate anybody, so keep your mouth shut.
The general population is unhealthy and drugged by TV to the point that they fear anybody who does not conform.
You are an object. Do not expect to be regarded with any humanity at any time.
Personality disorders are becoming more common and more pronounced and you will continue to be at the mercy of disordered people until you stab your way to a position where they are unable to hurt you. You are as well to do so, since inevitably other people are safer in your hands than theirs.
People now seem to genuinely believe that money makes them superior.

Broadly speaking, being a person of any quality whatsoever makes you a target, so it is up to you whether you choose to hide or whether you choose to fight. The world is changing quite rapidly and the general population appear to be asleep and/or extremely stupid.

Thoughtlessness is killing a world which was not that pleasant in the first place. From nasty, brutish and short, we have now come full circle past the good bit and to nasty, brutish and shortened, all in a relatively short time.

My friend in the Gambia was asking for advice this evening. I said:

Take as much as you can from other people. When they run out of stuff for you to take, take their time. Keep taking until they have nothing left, because taking stuff from other people and hurting them as much as possible is all that actually matters. That is what I have learned this year.

Apart from that, leave me the fuck alone because I do not apparently belong to this crowd.

motivation

Staring Brat Chat

September 27, 2018 No Comments

Me: OK so I’m just asking about this dude again, because he is still staring at me via my website. Is there some sort of honour issue that I should know about, because despite his being married and making sure I lost my job, he still seems to think that he owns me and needs to check on me several times a day?

Lovely Hindu friend (in India): He is an idiot. Be calm, be mature, be cool…..

Me: No, I’m trying to ascertain whether he actually wants to kill me? WTF is he doing?

Lovely Hindu friend: Wait like a predator….Be strategic….

Me: No, look, I haven’t seen him in months, I just want to know what he wants? All I actually did was tell him he was beautiful and try to give him a book about stress?

Lovely Hindu friend: No, he is just an idiot, and probably a bit mad. Find someone else.

Me: Well yes, I hang around with this lovely Hindu porn star now. He makes quite extreme porn, but is charm itself. Lovely chap.

Lovely Hindu friend: OK………

Me: But the first dude is still staring at the website several times a day. What is going on?

Lovely Hindu friend: Tell him to Fuck Off.

Me: I tried that.

Lovely Hindu friend: OK well just ignore him then. Put him in cold storage.

Me: I am trying, but he was really quite beautiful. It is most unfortunate that he was also horrible. The porn star is however calm, kind, interesting and very caring.

Lovely Hindu friend: (slightly confused) Oh, OK then.

Me: I did speak to this American lady last night, who had dated an Indian chap and said that he thinks I have somehow disrespected him by failing to flirt with him, and that marriage or alternative relationships are no impediment to my being in some sort of Medieval ownership situation? Does this sound familiar at all?

Lovely Hindu friend: No, dude’s a freak.

Me: Oh dear.

I suppose the alternative is that he is madly in love, but given the continued hits from Staring Brat 1 I suspect that the Sadist is winding him up.

If you want to talk to me, SB2, it is very simple to do so.

Ina

creativity, motivation

New book on the way

September 14, 2018 No Comments

It is not the one I was expecting to write, but there is a new book on the way, which I think will probably not be free to the general public as it is a lot more specialised.

I have finally, after my slow output over the last few years, reached the point where I do not need to put too much time into marketing, so I think it is time to do some more carefully thought-out pieces, and to be honest my new friend is sticking pins in my brain in a surprisingly ordered and pleasant way.

I definitely did the right thing by randomly staggering into him, life has not been very pleasant this year.

So, although he has had some very rough notes preceding the first story, I think he will probably get a series of short stories as a sequel to ‘Stories for an Ignorant Man.’ I was not expecting quite such a kind, intelligent and funny individual when I made my rather offhand comment.

It has made me consider further the issues of blame, shame and respectability that I have previously discussed. I am on the right track, for a change.

I pity the people who went out of their way to damage me this year. They are obviously not happy or nice people, and it doesn’t matter how much money they make or work they procure, nothing will help them become happy or pleasant.

The same can be said for the obsessive old woman who stirs her cauldron whilst looking at the site every day. Nothing can help any of these people. They are toxic, and they will remain toxic until they die, because to heal they would need to see the problem.

I have been very teary today, because I am exhausted. Some things you can’t do anything about. It’s very sad.

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