Here we go again SB

Faceless computers searching through the last two months again.

OK for you and my romance author friends, here is a potted description again.

Pretty fed up with this now, so I may just work on something else this week.

26th April – a gentle, apparently sympathetic and slightly geeky dude who also happened to be very polite, which I am rather partial to, stops and talks about work.  This is the first actual conversation we have had.  I laughingly decide to be more serious than he is, which unfortunately leads to my hearing myself saying ‘that serious thing you have going on is astonishingly beautiful’  to which he replies ‘you’d have to be awfully good at your job.’

In the weeks that follow, he suddenly appears to double in size, presumably because he feels good, and becomes quite a bit beyond astonishingly beautiful and into ‘Oh god, I cannot do that, he’s bigger than me and my eyes will be scratched out by jealous bitches.’  He has beautiful wrists, and a swan neck in particular, although its all good, broadly speaking.  The clothes all change too. Not being in the shirtless man genre, I am afraid that is about as far into physical description as I can go, although he has more of a North African old school Arab look than your strictly South Asian Caucasian that you might feel more inclined to expect.

When I email him, he passes the email straight on to management who then decide that my personal business is their business, offer me counselling for my dead mother and apparently give me a warning for a perfectly polite email message.

Because he isn’t speaking but is physically flirting and appears to find my discomfort quite funny, I conclude that he is not interested, and besides there is a beautiful girl whom he seems to have a very close friendship with.  As time goes on, an event in the office leads me to believe that they have a slightly kinky relationship and I offer to transfer off the shift to avoid making anyone feel bad about it apart from me.

This apparently makes him furious, he is horrible to my friend, I withdraw any sign at all of interest and start actively avoiding him.  He seems to become more furious as time goes on, to the point that he can’t even hear my voice without being filled with rage.

I try to instigate conversation from my computer because it is not safe standing anywhere near him due to the rockets. (anybody who has experienced the nagging rockets will know what I mean by this.  It isn’t great at work.) The first time I do this it is to ask a simple question about my work, regarding the chair I still plan to make, and the second is when I wish to give him the book I said I was going to give him on the blog.  Both times he is unpleasant, but he does make one attempt to apologise verbally.

Apparently he handed both of these attempts at conversation over to the management too, and added an accusation of harassment to this.  The management told me that they uphold any accusation of harassment.  When I protested that none of the conversations were remotely sexual, and that I had apologised for the initial comment, they said they uphold any old allegation of harassment.  They literally tried to tell me that he didn’t hate me or want me fired whilst telling me that they were escalating a problem I had already solved to get me fired.

In the meantime, I was told that he had said some pretty horrible things (unspecified) that he had questioned whether I was with a limited company or an umbrella company (this indicates that he was interested in money)  that ‘it was OK I was just getting a warning’ (this from a staff member who was obviously in on the conversation. ) and that ‘he was leading me on’ and ‘he isn’t a very nice person,’  in relation to me. This led me to believe that the relationship with the girl in the office was not all it seemed as it is very clear who wears the pants, and it isn’t her. Separately I am told by another two staff members that ‘there have been problems before.’  The management have apparently forgotten, since they denied this.

All of which leads me to conclude that the dude was trying to create a damaging situation and became irritated because I have other outlets than posturing at work for dealing with any ego related issues like jealousy and frustration, so didn’t show any signs of it until he angered me with his rudeness during his responses.

Not everybody is going to like you back.  That’s just normal stuff.  Trying to goad someone into an emotional trap is another.  Why he felt the need to do anything like that I do not know, as he must be aware he was earning at least three times what I was earning.

They often think because I look happy and reasonably confident that I need to be crushed before I can be ‘feminine.’  Fuck being feminine if that is the case.  Take the budgie you’re smuggling to someone who wants to play the little woman. I’d much rather be me, and if you can’t deal with it, don’t look.

Not terribly worried about his not finding me attractive, it was an out-of-character moment to say anything in the first place.  The idea that I was to be repeatedly humiliated with a view to making me angry enough to be canned for misconduct is pretty insulting, or whatever it was that he wanted other than that.  I fear for the staff, personally.

https://youtu.be/DJHedTtljac

 

 

 

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Oh right so it was one day off

I see, so it was a false flag.

You are quite young to be this obsessive, and I don’t know why you think there is a point to this at all. I liked you, you didn’t like me.  You got me fired.  End of story.

If you want to take up a writing career, perhaps you should go and do that.  I am quite lazy and easily distracted so I am not a shining example of how to go about things.

Broadly speaking, unless you want to spend most of your day marketing you have to produce a lot of tagged output, and short stories are very helpful for this in today’s market.

Apart from that, you are wasting your time.  My life was over by the time I was your age.

Don’t waste it on bullshit.

Damaged people

 

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Some Dream for you to interpret

This is a good one, I woke up at 4am from this one feeling very good.

I am on a busy train, but for some reason the train is huge and I am sitting in a similar job to the one I have just done, with similar people, although I think only one person, who sat back to back with me and was extremely helpful, actually made it into the dream.

Wolfe is further back in train, in a separate carriage with his entourage of wifelets and staff.  I know he is there, but it’s fine because we don’t bother each other as a rule.

(This is very unusual, the only previous dreams I have had about him are comedic or about fighting.)

Anyway, I am struggling away with this job, which seems to be vaguely health related and the pod I am sitting in is discussing it with a view to getting it correct.  We seem to be doing reasonably well, and then of course Wolfe decides to try to get to the top of the train.

As he approaches the pod I am sitting at, I hear him and then see that his progress is being impeded by moronic and super normal fans.  I cough, and notice that they all stop trying to paw at him for a second. He gets slightly further up the train.  I cough again, and the other people working with me start laughing as he get a little bit further forward again.  He nods to me without looking, and I go into a full blown coughing fit to enable him to disappear towards the next empty bit of carriage, whereupon I say goodbye to the people on the pod and follow him.  He looks back and smiles as he disappears into an enormous ballroom. (it’s a big train)  I pick the ballroom that he isn’t in.

I was very happy at the end of this one, make of it what you will.  So far it seems to be about life’s journey and feeling good about decisions.

If I fully commit, I am going to seriously disrupt things in the next ten years, which is going to put a major strain on our non-relationship.  I ain’t no shrinking violet when it comes to Wolfe, unfortunately.

 

 

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Yes, thank you Wolfe

I just bawled my eyes out again.

I do need to have some sort of life, you know.

Thanks for the support but you know if I do it everything will be fucking chaos.

They won’t like it.

(Should I be thinking fuck them?)

 

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Changes due to the SB incident

I have suddenly become very assertive.

You would not think this would be the effect of what just happened to me, but I have dispatched two exs that I had maintained friendships with in the last two weeks.

Today, the invader came, despite the blog post, and has been summarily executed.  He cannot open his mouth without making you feel bad. He apparently did not understand until I actually said “Do not come back.”

This is most interesting.  Suddenly I am slashing away at dead wood like there is no tomorrow.

I wonder what other effects it has had?

I was very assertive many years ago, as long as I was nowhere near the family, but I was told to give up everything to take care of my parents, and I did.  Thereafter it was one long, long period of being a punchbag.

Wolfe started the clearance, of course, because about six of the exs came back a couple of times over the last twenty or so years.  This intolerance to negative friendships is new, however.

I might take myself out to celebrate this strange new person I’m suddenly becoming.

Thank you to whomever stopped him searching the site over and over again, that was tiresome.

 

 

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To the invader

I have a good idea who is banging at the doors every day, and I do not know what you failed to understand about the following:

I am not safe. I am under attack.

Is that understood yet?  You will not be getting an audience unless you state your business.  I am not in the market for bullshit at present.  You can try email or text.

I may forget over the next few weeks or so, but for the moment the doors are very much locked.  Ina is under reconstruction.

 

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Narcissism resources

14 signs of narcissism

This first one is an excellent overview of what to expect from your pet narcissist.  I am a magnet for these people, and expert at finding them without even trying.  The sad part is that they tend to focus on people who don’t understand what the problem is, and even when they are made aware of it, they would sooner blame you for pointing it out than take any action on it.  I found the medium of CPTSD excellent for taking some of the sharper edges off from trying to gently introduce the subject to a test narc.

Spartan Life coach on youtube

He is a bit rambly, but Richard has a lot of very helpful videos on hows and whys of dealing with narcissism.  There are other excellent people on youtube, but for an introduction and some explanations of dealing with problems, this is your easy to follow dude.

Gaslighting – psychology today

Gaslighting is the art of persuading everyone else they are mad whilst keeping yourself squeaky clean from any personal responsibility for anything.  Narcs seem to perfect this without effort.  A good example of this is when I woke up one morning and realised I was still being told that I was selfish, insane and lazy after restoring a 14 room house and taking care of two parents with dementia at the expense of my drifting personal life and career, at which point I decided enough was enough.

Gaslighting – the guardian

Another article on gaslighting

Mobbing 

This article on mobbing is about workplace mobbing, which is when you persuade other workers to gang up on one to deflect any possible self-awareness or potential change from bothering you.

Scapegoating in dysfunctional families

This is classic – one care home owner told me that if she had a pound for every family behaving disgustingly towards the carer, she wouldn’t need a care home.  There is no current legal framework for protecting you if you are stupid enough to actually give a shit about your loved ones.

Other terms you will find include flying monkeys – people who do the work of the narcissist because they don’t like thinking.  You will pick up a few more as you look around.  Do not make the mistake of getting too suckered into the world of narcissistic victimhood, however, as it gets very silly eg.  “He is trying to return my blender.  He is using this as an excuse to talk to me.  I will be manipulated.  What do I do?”

The answer is take the blender and lock the door, bitch.

There is no cure for NPD.  According to a mother of a narcissist I know particularly well, it manifested within a year of birth.  There goes your theories about it being nurture rather than nature.

Rebuilding your finances after financial abuse

This is a handy guide to restarting your life after being sucked dry.  The biggest enemy, of course, is the damage to your confidence, so bear that in mind before you go for the nearest dishwashing job.  Do not be put off by the regular attacks as people try to exploit your ‘weakness.’

Finally, if you want to know my experience of living with one, there is a free short story on the books page.

Am I a covert narcissist?

https://youtu.be/hgtDHqWmSnc

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Parvati and Shiva

Ok, so broadly speaking the story of Parvati and Shiva goes along the lines of Shiva being an angry god who fights ‘evil’ (he does some pretty unspeakable things whilst he does that, however) and Parvati is this mature, nurturing figure with a lot of arms who is usually quite sweet but ultimately beats him by blocking a lot of doors.

They fight a lot and have great sex.  If you were sufficiently crazy, you would get quite suckered into that. I am sure it would make a fabulous short story.

I’m kind of done with that, however.  There is no point in feeding someone who has displayed quite a few negative traits so far.

  1.  The dude obviously hated me on sight, otherwise none of this shit would have happened.  Even when I made the initial comment, he not only hid that, but made somewhat encouraging noises.
  2. Gaslighting – everything I do is obviously crazy, and everything he does is obviously perfect.  I’ve been dealing with narcissists from birth, we don’t entertain this BS anymore.
  3. Flying monkeys – he actually has a whole company doing this for him.
  4. Domineering – I was trying to gently persuade him that this wasn’t great management, but he clearly prefers it and since I am the one with no job, it obviously works for him.
  5. Vanity – I don’t mind a bit of vanity, but to completely change your appearance in order to goad some sort of reaction out of a relative stranger rather than just talk to them is a bit extreme.

I would like to have kept in touch with a few people, but it is not a biggie that it is not safe for them to do so.  I am not handing out my location when this dude is likely to want  to hide behind a pillar and do some more staring and eavesdropping by any means possible.

Broadly speaking, when dealing with people like this, you have to set your own boundaries.  Whilst mine are considerably tougher and yet more relaxed in execution,(none of my staff would ever be put in a position where they were shamed for being an artist or lose their jobs for bullshit reasons, for example) I am not likely to be inviting anybody who has contact with him around for tea any time soon.  In fact, I don’t want to see anybody for a few weeks.

This is such a shame, if he had managed to feign some interest in me, he would have had a lot more information to go on, but he doesn’t, and I am quite happy for that to be the case.

I am still not likely to want to go anywhere near him however, because of the chemistry issue, which was the most extreme I have ever experienced.  You hear stories of people who can’t help themselves from time to time, and you just don’t believe them.  I believe them now, this was not controllable at all.

Again, such a shame, but it’s just bad luck on both sides.  Bad luck for me because he isn’t very nice.  Bad luck for him because I’m not worth destroying.

I am going to go out this weekend.  I don’t know where, or when, but I am going to go out. Maybe.

Shame.

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The Problem with VPNs

https://youtu.be/mXUa3UHMRq0

Don’t know about other people, but I find VPNs unstable, and I don’t want you to mess up that nice phone.

They aren’t much use unless more than one person uses them.

Seriously, this is obsessive behaviour, you need to go and do something else.  I am sure one of your very supportive colleagues can help you with that.

I can live with the fact you obviously held me in some contempt, but this is now getting a bit silly since you have no intention of actually speaking.

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Adventures in jobhunting

Well, so far, I have failed to be sufficiently robotic for two competency based interviews.  The last time I had to extensively interview was some time ago, and I can tell you things have really been dumbed down for the millennials.

The humanity and any actual brain use requirement has been removed from competency questions, so now you are given a pre-selected format which you prepare in advance using the STAR format

Situation – Losing my job because of a wannabe Mr Ripley

Task – Having to start again in an alternative career because the stupid fucking moron managed to destroy any prospects whatsoever in the one I wanted by repeatedly bitching about his own inability to communicate effectively, backed up by weak management.

Action – Spending all my time looking for alternatives to the point of being unable to do anything else with my time.

Result –  Still looking for new opportunities!  How exciting! Thinking positive!

I have so far been insulted twice, once because my degree offended some minor office worker, who could not understand that people with degrees also have to work (there are a lot of those)  and the other several times because I looked after my mother.

Yeah, because being abused by moronic nurses who know nothing about nutrition, watching your mother being fed fucking poison and shrinking to a small white husk because her eldest daughter is a screaming nutjob and has an unshakable belief in Marks and Spencer ice cream is is hilarious.  Spending your best years stuck in a house twenty four hours a day isn’t work at all.

So yeah, things are going great.  I am halfway through solving half the problem, and about a third of the way towards solving another quarter.  We shall see if I can get the mobility and public-facing angle sorted at the same time, because that would be helpful.  For a painfully shy person, I am remarkably good at pretending to be larger than life when I have to.

This is something plebs don’t understand.  One’s ability to put on a show is unrelated to one’s level of confidence.  Quite a few people hated the constant sunglasses in my previous employment.  Only two people knew that the reason for them is because I was in tears quite a lot and it was the only way of getting to the computer, and it wasn’t the obvious people.

The rest of tonight is going to be spent on moving the not-leaving-the-house element of my new employment package on a step.  If I am fortunate the main income will also not involve leaving the house, in which case I do not need to bother with people ever again.

The public-facing element I might head into town and go and talk to them in person, because they are unlikely to understand the package unless I am there in person.  Hilariously, I tried on some clothing today and after losing 83lb, I am still a bit too larger-than-life, so I guess at least I will save money on any actual food.

Two banks are still sniffing at the door, both because of my snob value.  I quite fancy private banking, but who knows if that is even possible now.  My back problem is telling me not to spend all day in a chair, so we shall see what happens.

And then there is the wild card.  I hope he remembers me, because if he does I may have something very special.  I’m not hugely confident, because we last saw each other through a crack in a door, but we shall see how he feels about giving me a shot at his project.

 

 

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