Healthy Relationships

Seriously considering asking Boris out.  I have no idea which tiresome little Tory he is seeing at the moment, but chances are we would have more fun.  I will ponder this some more.

Today’s burning topic is healthy relationships.  The first question we need to ask is what constitutes a relationship?  The Sweet Somatic Narcissist I used to live with said after a couple of months he didn’t want one. Since this was unavoidable as we worked together 20 hours a day, I laughed at him.  You open your mouth, therefore you have a relationship.

So let us be more specific.  How does one express one’s esteem for another person?

Well, I would say it starts from your feelings about yourself.  If you do not hold yourself in reasonably high regard (a recent acquaintance certainly did not) then you aren’t offering anything to anyone and you are likely to end up in a sort of death vortex rather than a relationship with another person. In the event that you as the product aren’t worth anything, then you really shouldn’t even attempt to have a relationship in the first place.  I once had a lovely chat with Kerry Katona on this very subject.

So point one would be figure out what your product is – if your product is a negative, self-hating, whiny mess, then you need to go and do something else for a while until you are vibrating at a higher frequency, so to speak.

Once you have decided to be a reasonably pleasant individual, one who feels gratitude for nice things that happen rather than attempting to toxify them with your own bile, then you may find that you learn to appreciate it when you meet someone stupid enough to actually like you.

The next step would be to find someone you hold in reasonably high regard, rather than somebody you don’t actually like and find it incredibly hard to tolerate.  If a person annoys you within the first four weeks, it is likely that your feelings of irritation will be amplified to an unbearable degree within six months, and you will positively hate them within a year or so.  So your almost full tick list may become a kind of trap.  I have dumped quite a few perfectly nice people to avoid wasting their time on this basis.

So point two would be find someone you actually like, rather than someone you seek to control or torture to make yourself feel better about being an essentially crap human being.

Once you have located this marvellous person, you need to figure out what you are bringing to the relationship, rather than considering the matter of what you want to get out of it.  I realise that for many sad, grasping, negative individuals this will sound simply crazy, but even if your prospective partner is rolling about in dosh, they have needs too, and you should really be considering what you add to their life.  Otherwise, gender regardless, you are simply a cheap nasty whore out for what you can get.

So point three is to identify what you are actually offering and consider whether the balance is worth it. Unless you are in a Venus in Furs situation, which you may actually be, then having your shoes licked is pretty damn boring.  (been there, done that)

Assuming that we have made it this far, we now need to consider your horizon.  What is your growth potential within this relationship?  If there isn’t one, then it is game over at this point.  If there is one, then you need to actually communicate to make sure your long view is compatible.

So point four is to identify your mutual growth space and ensure that you are singing the same song.

Of course, there are many self-hating people out there with mummy and daddy issues, and they can be perfectly happy to tear lumps out of each other, involving other people and their time and money in the process.  These people are to be avoided at all costs, as they are inevitably not much smarter than the average toddler in an emotional sense.  They are timewasters who do not even consider that they are less than charming to deal with.

Many people actually imagine that they do not have to be honest, straightforward and generous in their interactions with others.  These, regardless of income, are tragically unhappy individuals who are not worth your time or energy.  They are incapable of saying please and thank you and lead pretty unhappy lives.

It is far better, and far happier, to devote yourself to personal growth until you meet someone else who works as hard.  Leave the imbeciles to jealousy, petty fighting, dishonesty, pique and wholly imaginary superiority.  It is all they have.






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