The Telegraph have published a fascinating account of how the Conservative gladiator games played out in relation to Boris, but I suspect, from the passing glimpses I saw, it is not entirely true.
What is clear is that there has been a lot of manipulation, a complete disregard for the public, and a lot of lying. David Cameron became paranoid, as all long term leaders do, and started playing games, so what follows is what I suspect really happened:
David Cameron: I don’t like the look of UKIP, they have four million voters. What can we do about it, Giddypants?
George Osborne: I don’t think you have much to worry about, Piggy, they don’t have many MPs.
David Cameron: I think we should have a referendum. The Scots seemed to like it, and it certainly shut them up for a while, didn’t it?
George Osborne: Is that a good idea, piggy?
David Cameron: Yes, of course it is, it will keep us in the news for weeks. Nobody will bother finding out what we are doing as long as they are concentrating on a massive spectacle like a referendum.
George Osborne: What if we don’t win, Piggy?
David Cameron: Of course we’ll win. Who shall we pick to run against? Who can we bury with those annoying kippers?
George Osborne: What about Boris?
David Cameron: Boris! What a good idea, but he likes Europe, how can we get him to do it, Giddypants?
George Osborne: Govey is a friend of his, I shall see if I can get him to swing it for us, Piggy
______________________________________________________________________
George Osborne: Govey, I have a job for you, I’ll swing by your place on Thursday and run it by you.
Michael Gove: Super Mr George Sir, I will make poussin au citron, just the way you like it. Should I wear heels?
_______________________________________________________________________
George Osborne: So, Govey, how would you like a great job in the cabinet?
Michael Gove: Oh not me, sir, I am not equipped. Would you care for some more Claret with your plum pudding?
George Osborne: All you have to do is persuade Boris to lead this pesky Leave campaign. You need to make sure he loses it. I’m sure the fuck-up can manage that all by himself, but you know, help him along a bit. We can get rid of this UKIP rubbish and Boris at the same time. Piggy would be ever so grateful.
Michael Gove: How would I go about that, sir?
George Osborne: You know Boris, all you have to do is persuade him that he is the best man for the job. Flatter him a bit. Give him a nice glass of the good stuff.
Michael Gove: Yes, sir, of course sir. I will report back to you next Thursday.
_______________________________________________________________________
Michael Gove: Piggy needs a favour. He needs you to head up the Leave campaign in the referendum.
Boris Johnson: What? I can’t do that. Everybody knows I think we should be in Europe.
Michael Gove: He’s picked you to lose it for him. You’re so honoured, I am a tad jealous. He trusts you. I will hang around and give you all the information you need, so all you have to do is make all the speeches sound like a joke.
Boris Johnson: Oh right, so that nobody takes it seriously. That might be fun. I could impersonate Trump, hahahahahahaha. Pass the Port, Govey.
_______________________________________________________________________
Boris Johnson: Where did they get that 350 million figure on the bus?
Michael Gove: Oh, I think some assistant put it there. Farage mentioned it I think.
Boris Johnson: That figure isn’t right. It’s only 160 million. I can’t say that.
Michael Gove: Does it matter? You’re supposed to lose the referendum anyway.
Boris Johnson: No, I don’t suppose it does. Will everybody hate me for doing this?
Michael Gove: I’m sure you will be fine, Boris, just keep on messing up those speeches.
_______________________________________________________________________
David Cameron: (by telephone) You utter fucktard, Boris, you were supposed to lose. Get out of bed at once!
Boris Johnson: Piggy? We didn’t win, did we? Dear God, I’m sorry, Piggy.
David Cameron: Now I’ll have to resign. I’ll get you back for this, you mark my words. You never get it right, you utter cockwomble.
Boris Johnson: Shit, maybe I should go away for a few days.
_______________________________________________________________________
Michael Gove: Well done, Boris. Now you should run for PM.
Boris Johnson: What? I don’t really want to be PM. I can’t afford the pay cut, and the hours are terrible.
Michael Gove: Of course you should run for PM. The people love you. There’s no way they actually had an opinion regardless of what you did or said, they are way too stupid.
Boris Johnson: I don’t want anything more to do with this, Govey.
Michael Gove: I’ll be your campaign manager and make all the calls. Don’t worry about a thing.
Boris Johnson: Oh God, what have I done?
______________________________________________________________________
Michael Gove: Everyone says they want me to run, I am so lovely and grey and the public hate me.
Mrs Gove: How about I do a nice leak to the press for you?
Michael Gove: You are the most adorable woman I have ever met, strumpetlips.
Mrs Gove: I know. Fetch the riding crop and my boots.
_______________________________________________________________________
George Osborne: You are a sharp operator Govey. I like it.
Michael Gove: Thank you sir. May I lick your boots?
George Osborne: You may, and kindly fetch the cane. You deserve a treat.
Remember kids, politics IS a popularity contest. Labour and Conservative have both forgotten. The two most popular politicians of the last four decades are being crucified right in front of us.
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So — been on this thing for maybe five months now and it’s stuck on my phone, reckon I’d write something up since a mate asked me a few days back. I’m based in the UK, generally bet football and racing, a fiver here and there, so take it how you like.
How I found it was genuinely a bit daft — I couldn’t ever work out what an each way payout would be with 1/5 odds a place. I used to just wing it and get a shock. Now punch the numbers in before I place anything, even the boring singles.
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One thing that really shifted things for me was the more serious tools. They’ve got an probability calculator which shows you what margin’s baked in, plus a kelly criterion tool — I stick to fractional kelly as the full version is terrifying. The dutch tool gets used a fair bit if I’m spreading across selections.
It’s not perfect mind. The interface is a bit basic — not much frills, looks like it was built by someone who cares more about maths than colours. Phone-wise it’s fine although the lucky 63 breakdown need a bit of scrolling. There’s no proper app, it’s browser only — slight shame just flagging it.
Right, that’s me. Doesn’t cost anything, no ads shoved in your face, does the job. If you still does the maths on paper, have a look — saves me a fair few dumb bets I’d have regretted.
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So — been using this thing for something like six months now and I keep coming back, so thought I’d chuck my thoughts in since a lad on another thread asked me a few days back. I’m UK based, mostly do football and horses, a fiver here and there, just so you know where I’m coming from.
What got me on it was actually pretty stupid — I couldn’t ever get my head round what an e/w payout actually was once you get five places instead of three. Basically I’d eyeball it and moan when the payout landed. Now I type the odds in before every slip, even a simple single bet.
The single bet calculator tool is the bit I’m on daily — you put in your stake, the odds and it shows profit and total return with no faffing, fractions or decimals. Same tool covers the fiddly ones — trebles maths, a lucky 15, yankees, honestly that’s where most people I know lose track. If you want a look, it’s over at [url=https://single-calculator.com/bet-calculator/odds-converter]betting odds converter[/url] and it’s free with no account nonsense.
One thing that really made a difference was the geekier tools. They’ve got an implied probability thing which shows you what margin’s baked in, and a kelly criterion tool — I run quarter kelly since full stakes are a quick route to a dead bankroll. The dutching one is decent if I’m spreading across selections.
Couple of gripes. Its layout looks pretty plain — no frills, looks like it was built by someone who cares more about maths than colours. On mobile it’s usable but the bigger tables are a squeeze. And nothing on the app store, it’s browser only — slight shame but worth saying.
Anyway. Doesn’t cost anything, not plastered in adverts, does the job. If you even now adds it up in their head, have a look — saved me a load of “wait, that’s it?” moments.
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