motivation

Damaged people

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Further to the previous post, I have taken some time to think about damaged people today. I am sure most people do not bother to consider why people act the way they do, but as someone who is easily confused by crap people, I have spent a long time considering damage.

Sometimes people cannot help the way they behave.  One friend of mine is continuously manipulative, constantly looking for weaknesses to exploit, and when he finds a way in, takes it to the max.  He does this to make himself feel in control.  It is not much fun being at the receiving end of this, but the other 80 or so percent of the relationship is fine, so I tend to let myself become extremely depressed by the time I point back towards the boundary he has crossed.

It was extremely out of character for me to fight back when Wolfe ate me up and spat me out as worthless 6 years ago.  Normally I would have absorbed a considerable amount of pain and been very unhappy.  Instead I created Ina.

My life really ended at 33, when my father moved downstairs in the course of his battle with dementia.  This meant that my going out at night would have been inconsiderate, and my mother’s heart problem and refusal to get treatment meant I was quite frightened to leave her alone in the house in case I came back to find her expired.

Since then, I have been continuously attacked by both friends and relatives, for a variety of reasons.  I am no angel, but grieving for five people was seen as an opportunity to pile as much pain on as possible.  In the case of my friends, they were fairly damaged people to begin with, had hit middle age, and thought they would come back and do whatever they liked to make things worse.  In the course of this, they were sometimes quite helpful.  Harry, for example, was very helpful with my mother in the weeks following her stroke, staying in the studio so that she did not become confused, enabling me to continue working for some years whilst caring for her.

My relatives were the real shocker.  They refused to pass on information, they refused to help, they refused to acknowledge their parents’ illnesses, they told me that life would be better if I didn’t exist, and then they tried to use badmouthing me to rob their own parents.  As you can imagine, I was pretty shot up by the time the Wolfe incident happened. (see welcome page for a sanitised Wolfe friendly version of this.)

Basically by the time it got to the strangely devastating first blocking – there have been about nine, between his personally blocking me and his dumb staff doing it – it was a case of fighting it or losing my spirits entirely.  As I was dragging mother through the worst period of her life, losing my spirits was not an option, and besides, Wolfe doesn’t have much of a clue about anything other than how to make money out of health food.  You cannot be a genius at everything.

Every piece of information people have tried to pass to me about Wolfe paints a picture of a horrible, selfish person who assumes that being nice to him means they are stupid.  I do not believe this picture, from the scanty information I derived directly, Sam, whilst being a cleaned up version, is closer to the mark in terms of general cluelessness. Personally, from the few interactions, I preferred him when he was a bit fed up and laconic, but you will be lucky to catch him in this more appealing and less exuberant mood.

The key to this mode of personal presentation is a fear of seriousness, so as you can imagine, a fat academic woman is not something that he finds particularly appealing as someone to waste five whole minutes on.  Wolfe has hit a mark of popularity and brevity which yields maximum results.  Seriousness is neither desirable, nor an option if you delve too deeply.  This was key to Ina’s development.  I wasted years worrying about hitting a mark nobody else would even know exists, in terms of my academic and artwork.  So, it was entirely appropriate to start banging out lots and lots of new forms of the work I had been developing for years.

So, when I dissect Wolfe, flatter Wolfe, or decide to finally discard Wolfe, it is because I mean it, not because I have ulterior motives.  This is not something he is likely to ever understand, because he has no time to understand anything beyond the question of whether there is money or girls involved.  That is OK.  Once the book and third section of the artwork is complete, it leaves the game to be completed.  This is still a couple of years worthwhile work, for a person who neither gives a shit, nor shows any sign of growing out of a petulant sulk he has maintained for five years now.

I sincerely hope he finds the airhead beachbum that considers it worthwhile to lose her figure sitting on her ass working as hard as I have worked for no results at all in terms of attracting the slightest bit of fucking respect or courteous behaviour.  Then I hope that he jumps off the nearest cliff.

 

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