I did not actually watch the Longevity Warehouse video on this, but I had a lengthy comment to make about it which appears to be in approval limbo, so after a lot of messing about online this evening, trying to find some very old story about Wolfe to relay to a friend – I failed to find it, so evidently some cleaning up has been going on – I thought I might write a blog post on this.
Back when I started transitioning to raw in 2010 – much water has gone under the bridge since then, but I will get to that – I did so on the basis of a very old boyfriend turning up. I had not seen Mark since I was a sixteen year old, living in my first flat which happened to be a floor below his. He had some old photos on his facebook page, and so I assumed that, like me, he had not changed very much. In May 2010 I was 310lb. Ten weeks later I was 240lb, by the time I actually saw him in August of that year I was 200lb and had started talking to Wolfe from time to time. Sadly, Mark was by this time a fat, bald and rather unpleasant drunk, and after much non-negotiation we no longer speak.
I had been working on a database of products that might help me, which turned into a food politics essay, which in turn turned into a book about corporatism which I will again be working on as soon as I complete my fictionalised account of the life of Boris Johnson. There are various reasons why I have to complete two books before returning to the Corporatism book, but it is mainly because I would like the Corporatism book to sell reasonably well in the UK and USA. I would like to maximise the output of that book because the original purpose of that book was to help with a situation that is becoming worse and worse by the day. (see previous post ‘scientard’)
As you can imagine, I was not particularly on the lookout for falling in love with anyone, which is when it tends to happen. The person I fell in love with was a total wildcard, and it seems to have happened across a crowded webpage. It was all totally inconvenient, particularly as it called my beliefs about my radical approach to eating into question. To make matters worse, the person concerned is a controversial figure to say the least.
In terms of timing, it could not have been worse. My family were, as they have been since my birth, mobbing me because they could not stand the competition and wanted to take their mother’s money; the exs were treating the house as if it had a revolving door; I had just been incredibly ill, whilst my medical doctor laughed at me (it is hard to take a person complaining of tiredness seriously when they work two jobs and take care of an elderly person and a mansion, apparently.)
So, my battle with my diet became an emotional battle – I do not particularly like being in love, it is irrational and being happy is not necessarily a good experience if you are being attacked constantly. You tend to think you are going to be caught off-guard. As it has turned out, my fears on this front were well-grounded, not because of the controversy, but because the person turned out to be spoken for.
When the wife of this person appeared from nowhere, I did not know that she existed, so I assumed that I was being teased by the person in question. I was then left wondering what on earth I had done for several years, telling myself that I was clearly worthless and crazy, and cooked and ate to please yet another ex who had turned up unwell and seeking comfort food. Eating at least shuts you up, so that you do not howl in protest as much as you might otherwise.
To cut an even longer story short, I lost 160lb between 2010-2012, and put it all back on again between 2013-2017. I have just lost the first 70lb again, and this time I plan to lose even more. On discovering the truth (that the object of my affection was married and the facebook blocker was, in fact, his wife) this year on my birthday, I realised that my feelings had not affected anyone but me, that what I want matters to nobody, and really there was no need to punish myself for something that was not my fault in the first place.
So now I am still in love, but no longer stuffing my face with denial – the situation is hopeless. I am still unlikely to ever be anything but alone, and my response to this is to get on with the work I was doing before all this rubbish started. All I wanted was to help. I had no real reason for this other than I like doing things for people and my life was already being squandered by it.
The last seven years have been wasted on working my way through emotional baggage on the basis that I wanted to be unimpeded and good enough for this person, but they have induced a great deal of self-development in terms of my crippling lack of confidence, cynicism and inability to even ask for what I want because the answer is inevitably going to be no, usually alongside accusations of madness and a variety of humiliation techniques. Gas-lighting is a parlour game in my family, and it has taken all this to make it obvious that it is pointless to interact with people.
Being in love, even with a health expert, is not particularly good for your health. Self-development – yes. Health – probably not.