Train your child to bully and lie

Well, today I learned that the best thing you can teach your children, that is if you actually had the opportunity of having any, is to bully other people and lie.

We celebrate bullies and liars in many ways. Primarily by promoting them.

The Bagel Study, which you are welcome to look up, established this some years ago, when it was shown that people higher up in the company are more likely to steal bagels than people on the ground level.

Therefore, with the benefit of quite considerable experience of being a nice person and having got to the miserable position I am in today, I now advise you to teach your children to lie, steal and bully other people.  In this way they will get on well in life, they will be respected at work, and they will get on much better generally.

The fact that they will spit in your face for being old shouldn’t bother you because you will have done your job and the ‘professionals’ that your disgusting offspring pay to get you out of the way can then have a free hand to mistreat you in a care home or hospital.  You can be given inappropriate medication, based on the assumptions of stupid people who don’t care about you, probably someone else’s dishonest and bullying child who didn’t quite make the big time in sadism.

When your child bullies people, lies or steals, they are to be praised.  This will reflect the promotions they will get later on in life.

And did I mention that they should be male?  Yes, please drown your female children, because they are clearly useless and will not even get decent training at work because they aren’t worthwhile.  I used to think it was just women of child bearing age, but today we have established that simply being female is sufficient.

On no account should you encourage any type of empathy, because that will get them fired.  Any kindness, any willingness to help others, any stopping to assist must be punished.

So, next time your child shows any negativity towards others, make sure that it is potentially violent, spiteful and dishonest negativity, because that is the best thing you can do for them.


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