Well I might as well accept it, life did not go the way I wanted it to.
I didn’t really want much out of it, I loved working more than anything really. It is quite fitting that the rest of my time is going to be spent doing that.
I took on the mantle of chick with cats at a very early age, of course. I was terrific at being 17. I had a flat, two cats, some 3d renderings of lizard eyes to upset passing drug users all over the walls, and I used to get high and knit between reading Sartre and various Russian worthies.
The horror of my mother’s ‘death by stupidity’ is starting to set in now. Fortunately I have a lot of work to do. At the moment I am making some grant applications for the first time. My artistic pursuits have always been self funded. Whilst you were out spending money on a social life to get a mate and produce more vile little consumers, I was spending money on glue, varnish, wool and whatever else I needed. No matter how little money I have had, I have always managed to find money to make things. Even my shoes have been sold when necessary.
The age of this rather disreputable approach of creativity has now passed me by, however, and it is time to get things done before I lose the space to work effectively. The rabid Scottish wolves that I don’t want are approaching the door, even as the one that I wouldn’t mind spending some time with gets on with bringing up his own little consumers with some chick that didn’t seem terribly bright or pleasant. (I am sure she is delightful, actually, apart from the territorial glaring) It is all very sad.
I have reeled from the discomfort of my attachment to Wolfe for nine years now. I still have a lot of work to do, and there is no probability that I am going to self-actualise any time soon. This is rather depressing. I am staggering towards it at slightly enhanced speed, but not really any further forward in real terms. I don’t really feel that uncomfortable about it any more. Today I thought about how ridiculous it was and wondered what the alternative actually is? I had no answer, because I don’t think I really want one. Some people get hitched to stop thinking about love. I created a little box, stuck a picture on it and decided to forget about ever being happy since it didn’t seem likely anyway.
I miss my silly mother. I don’t miss dealing with stupid people, and for that I feel guilty. I have no tolerance left for them.
It is certainly a time-saver.
Rebekah Brooks is fit for work (2018)