Thanks for the mail and the interest.  It’s very kind of you, but to answer your general points:

No, David Wolfe is not an idiot.  I have come across this attitude before, where gentlemen are apparently supposed to do the decent thing and get it up to order, and I don’t buy it.  It is neither pleasant nor adult behaviour to bonk everything that moves.  Besides which, he appears to have a preferred list of attributes which I am not on.  I was likewise until I met him – I use the term loosely, since it was really a brief moment of cynical irritation on youtube that initially sparked things off some months prior to our fortieth.  The haiku was good, apart from that.

I do have the message I sent to my friend somewhere on one of the computers – I think it was 2008 or so.  One of Harley’s psycho fanbois was involved as far as I remember, and I said something along the lines of “Shit, I appear to be in love with the horrible man, how the hell did that happen?”  In any case, it appears he was married by then, although there was no trace of it at the time, so it has all been a self-delusion of mammoth proportions which happened to get me through at least one period of extreme stress – my mother would have been dead years ago after being thrown into a care home by her disgusting offspring if it hadn’t been for the aspirant Mrs Wolfe delusion.

Anyway, from casual observation – I stopped looking at anything to do with him in 2011 or so as I was afraid that I was going mad – he prefers compliance and a considerable amount of forbearance, and I am definitely not of that ilk.  Been there, done that, don’t need the anxious wrinkles or the insecurity.  I am probably in the best situation I could be in – I get to make indignant objections without pissing him off, which strategically is the most advantageous situation for both of us.  I also get to obsessively work and ignore him, which is kind of why I don’t generally do monogamy in the first place.

I was asking myself for some time whether the overall situation was a question of safety.  I gave up a lot of old relationships that were not really going anywhere because of it, and I don’t regret it at all.  It is also very safe emotionally speaking to avoid actual relationships, so I wondered about that, too.  Having had several tiresome years to ponder it, however, and considering the number of times I was told I was mad for admitting to it, I do not think it was a cowardly decision to just accept it and work through the inevitable questions that followed.  Cats or Wolfe? Mother or Wolfe?  Do I hate America more than I love Wolfe?  Shit happens, and sometimes you just have to make like a fish and deal with it.

The frightening bit was the lobster tank part – if you put lobsters in a tank, one will almost make it over the top before the others pull it back down, and I got a lot of that.  I had no idea that people who criticise others for achieving, do so on the basis that they feel safer being a nothing, so anything you do is going to be hated.  They will pretend to be interested and then sabotage what you are doing because it makes them feel safe.  That has wasted years even after making the decision to roll with it, never mind the years of misery before I met Wolfe.

I think the first thing I wrote for him was an astonishingly pompous looking academic philosophy of love entwined with some rhetoric material.  Even I looked at it and said WTF, so I had some vague ideas about disseminating information to a wider public at that point.  A really good specialist publication can sometimes only sell about 8 copies, to people that need to know who you are before they will buy it, so academia was never going to work for the over-arching project.  I do not now regret the huge confidence crisis that has meant the delay in the work, although measures could have been taken earlier to prevent agronomic war, which I suspect is now inevitable in about fifty years.  We can blame the Avocadess for that one, so she is welcome to a good hard stare in the mirror when America finally gets bombed flat by 194 irate and probably starving countries using its own crappy missiles.  I was more of a sarcastic pal prior to that bit of pointless nastiness, and I was certainly very out of touch with my emotions generally.

I don’t really do convention, and I don’t regard squabbling over ‘ownership’ as being something that is relevant to me at all, since I do not play that way.  Either you want to be with me or you don’t, and if you don’t you are welcome to bugger off for ten years until you figure it out. I’m not usually in love with them when I make that deal, however, so I guess this is a bit of a departure from my norm in that respect.

The only really bad part is the timing.  I could theoretically go and have a child before it is too late, but I don’t really want to be sucking anybody into anything I don’t mean.  Tough tittie, you make your decisions in life for whatever spurious reasons I guess.

Suck it up.

Ok I need

All the graphics done, I will give you a list of things to work on after I sleep off the effects of that horrible poison thing the evil corporatists gave me.

A copy of the Brexit board game box and board.  Source icon items for the moving parts.

At least five different dancers, about the same size as Boris.  They mustn’t be too young or too raj to do it, as this is not strictly a political project.  They will need some significant upper body strength though, since I do not need them to fall over in the middle of doing something.

Organise the green screen time, and it cannot be expensive

A top hat, as the one I have is brown and too wooly

Hunter wellies.

A blue rosette, and I do not want it to be too floppy

A hard hat – I may still have one somewhere

A variety of suits – I am very keen on dressing my lovely dolly in the course of the project

Wine, brandy  and cheese, for the bucket when I force him to eat vegetables.  I think you can probably deal with that already.  You have terrible habits.

The polo neck/snood thing worked well, but it is probably a bit louche, so I will probably do something about the jawline on fake Boris

A flat cap would be good for the Hunter welly idea.  Al is very cute in my head, and I would quite like to cover rural issues even though it will cause no end of trouble.

A stetson.  Two stetsons as Ina will need one too.

Think of something appropriate for Boris on a trampoline?

I need to get more Union Jacks.  I refuse to get the red hands of Ulster, sorry.  Another Wales and another England is probably necessary.

I need to get the giant Boris banner made, and the roller banner done – although I think the long thing I did was too long.

The Trident animation needs to be thought through – I will try to work on this tomoz after I stick the car in to get fixed.

Organise the hovercraft.

Artistic historic graphics for the history scene – I will take a look at this but you will prob worry about the graphics quality.

I will have a look at PA systems again.

I think that covers the first two – maybe. You might want a gimp, I don’t know.

Do we need to purchase crap to hand out to people?

I need to run a few taglines by you to see if I am being too complicated again as this needs to be mute south of the border.  They need to understand a complicated message in very few words.

Ina

My friend happened to show me this video he had made of Ormus Plutonium today, and I instantly burst into tears.

Why?  Is it because Wolfe is like totally cool and I don’t measure up to it?  No, I cannot honestly say I have ever felt like that directly.

Is it because I am too hopeless?  No.

Is it because I was never good enough in the first place?  Yes, but not for the obvious reasons.

Having met him, I can honestly say that none of my self beatings have been justified from his reaction to me at all.  He has never been the issue.

Looking at Ormus Plutonium, I see it is crude, I see it is experimental, I see that I chose the colours extremely carefully to send a very complicated message that I am not sure I can verbalise even now.  Those three Ormus bags took over a year of thought.  They decorated the walls of my room for months whilst I thought about the engineering, and I am pleased that I achieved what I wanted to achieve with them, although I can do much better.

The point of all the Wolfe work was development.  I would never have invested that much time in myself if I had not been repairing a lot of damage that I would never have gone anywhere near if it wasn’t for meeting him.  How he managed this in a very limited amount of time – I think perhaps an hour and a half in total over nearly a decade, is a mystery, but I guess shit happens.

One of the earlier pieces, Saxophone, took five weeks of enraged lust after meeting Nelson, a musician that played vaguely Islamic saxophone jazz thirteen years earlier.   Here it is, on the cover of Best Sex Scandal Ever, which is a fun book about a period of amusement I indulged in at some point in the past (I do not remember exactly when)

I can see that this represents the cool and hot sounds of a saxophone.  I can see exactly what I was doing and why, although actually doing it required no thought whatsoever.  It just required intense emotional rage.  Nelson, coincidentally, was basically a blonde Wolfe visually with an irritating tendency towards anarchy and communes. Very pretty but no interesting content.

So, we know from this that I have some specific superficialities.  I am very fond of curly hair, for example.  Nelson, however, lost his appeal in the five weeks it took me to make Saxophone.  Wolfe has thus far taken nine years for me to get to an emotional starting point.

I appreciate that readers will wonder why somebody who sells nutribullets and healthfood would be such an all-consuming interest, beyond his adorable nose?

The answer is in the philosophy underpinning the work that Wolfe likes to insert as filler.  Wolfe’s filler is a lot more interesting than even he is aware of, and it is there that I found the material that I am still wary of working on because it dwarfs any other intellectual work I could be doing.  As I have said, the complexities of running a country are light work in comparison.  Philosophically, he has brought up a lot of huge issues that I would otherwise have not bothered to dig up, because I would have been too busy raking around in the shallows and probably remaining very cynical about humanity generally.

I am still not good enough for Wolfe, not in a human sense, but because I have not produced the piece of work I have been preparing for.  I have another year or two of preparation work to do before I am sufficiently arrogant to return to it, and I have some artwork that I need to do before I approach the serious writing.

As someone with a very serious approach to mental development, it is important that the three dimensional work comes before the two dimensional work, because that is how to get the best out of my brain.  I have to have the time to put into it, and I have to have the confidence.  This ain’t about shagging.

It doesn’t make it hurt any less, and it doesn’t mean that there is any point in my having relationships when I would be wasting everybody’s time.  Whether you are lucky in love or not, the trip is the trip.  This one is huge, frightening and needs to be as refined as I can make it, because it is more important than anything else I could do with my life.

That is about as close as I can get to describing it.

Right, so now that I have been hounded out of a job in which I deliberately avoided interacting with people to avoid the inevitable outcome, I spent today paying bills – like a perfectly normal person, dealing with mail – again like a perfectly normal person, cleaning – ooooh so normal, and working on Boris’s face – OK not so normal but not that outlandish.

I also ate – seems pretty normal to me, and shock, horror, went shopping!  How weird and freaky am I?

Since I had the foresight to make sure I had two jobs, and in fact turned another one down a fortnight ago, I am not too alarmed. I do, however, need more than one so I now have to deal with that issue yet again to ensure I can meet the Boris deadline at the end of next month.

Fortunately, I know several other people who attract just as much negative attention from morons, both kinky and latent, as I do, so it doesn’t bother me that much anymore.  I turned down the research work two weeks ago because the interviewer was so desperate to impress me with his dominance that I decided not to bother.

Thankfully, I still have the consultancy and a wage, and with a bit of persistence, should be able to find some alternative and ideally less annoying colleagues in the near future.  I will not be in a hurry to work for another American company after that experience, however.

It is the sheer lack of self-awareness that astonishes me.  I remember the moment that I fell in love with Wolfe, was a mistake he made in the company of a rather vile vlogger who videoed him being caught in a moment of self-awareness.  That was my ‘OMG it really is that one’ moment.  Until then I had always wondered why I was on the hook, and rather resented it.

They do not seem to be presented with any alternatives to tunnel vision capitalism as a rule, which is quite challenging if you are used to nothing else (Boris will completely understand my perspective here as he had a similar political upbringing to mine)  When you are aware of the two sides of a coin as a matter of course, people who are led to believe in goodies and baddies are a bit basic.

Anyway, that has significantly damaged the project.  Congratulations to the fascists on that score, because I now have to waste considerably more time on securing sufficient income to make sure it goes ahead.  Tiresome, but not a surprise, and I suppose I could have played along and pretended to be interested in puppies, or whatever people like them choose to talk about.

What if the reason you were frightened of the world was not because of persistent bullying?

What if you didn’t worry about that person who stopped you winning a competition, getting the job you wanted, marrying the person you wanted?

What if your failure to achieve promotion was not because somebody else was better than you are, but because you did not seem mentally prepared for responsibility?

What if your life was exactly the way you intended?

What if you just dropped all that bullshit, forgot about the bad things and just concentrated on getting what you wanted?  If one thing does not work out, you shoot for another and hope for change in the interim.

I used to laugh at Wolfe for suggesting that a diet was a big factor in societal failure, although I did agree with his comments about political constipation, which has contributed quite a lot to the No Glass Walls project.  I just did not understand at the time, although I took him up on his suggestion of consuming wheatgrass to see how different I felt after two weeks, and I have to say he was absolutely right.

At the moment, I can see exactly who is on this website.  I can see how often they visit, where they are in the world, and what pages they look at.  I can see what equipment they are using and what browser they prefer.  This is very helpful in ensuring that I know whether my projects are successful.  Intelligence is key in any surveillance operation.

Who am I watching and why?  Not whom you would think at all.  They are both welcome to come and go as and when they please. No, I am interested in the audience, not the participants.

One of my exs, a particularly annoying Yank called Alan, used to tell me that what he feared most was having nowhere to go.  He now lives about two streets away and has refused to befriend me on the grounds that he is living with someone.  His loss, frankly, my other exs can manage to grow out of that one.

My schtick is having something to do.  As long as I have a long list of things to do, I am a happy bunny regardless of goal.  I think this is a good place to start, although rewards are also nice from time to time.

I should work on the reward part really, as the activity without reward is often quite expensive.  Otherwise, it is probably better to gain satisfaction from smaller goals if you aren’t necessarily ready for the big ones.

Your challenge for tonight is to figure out what you actually wanted from your life, and to go and do that rather than wring your hands and blame other people for your inadequacy. You can waste your entire life worrying about stuff that really doesn’t get you anywhere.