Mr Ripley and post removal

https://youtu.be/-Tdu4uKSZ3M

I’ve been asked why I am removing so many short posts, so basically here is my reasoning – I look through them, decide if I am bothered about taking them down so that he does something more interesting with his life and if I am not bothered about it I take them down.  I do not view this as capitulation to a little tyrant and it is not because I am backtracking at all.

Every day he does the same thing, looks through the same posts and then passes them to another mobile in London, whom I am guessing is the person telling him what to do. Then the mobile in London does the same thing. There is clearly some collusion going on with this dude.

It doesn’t seem to bother them that I am sitting watching this.

Doesn’t seem to bother him how incredibly tragic it looks. The dude is over thirty, and continues to behave like a very spoilt and petted child rather than communicate.

Perhaps he should try finding a new hobby?  New victims are arriving in the office all the time, I am not sure why he thinks I’m such a great candidate.  I presume this is some very twisted expression of hurt. Not sure what he is so hurt about, nobody attacked his job.  The lack of ability to move on is a bit sad.  I’m not there anymore, you can stop looking now. You won, whatever crazed battle you had going on with me that I knew nothing about.

Again, I genuinely wished the best for him right up until he attacked me for the second time and I was informed about his activities, whereupon I again did what I could in terms of damage limitation whilst making sure this doesn’t happen again.

He blew it by himself as far as I know with circulating the website, because I told two very quiet staff members whom I doubt very much told anyone because they were not particularly interested in what I was doing anyway.  None of the management have apparently told him that my blog is not otherwise particularly public, so it is very easy for me to see who the computers and mobiles belong to. It isn’t his privacy being invaded, its mine, and he appears to still be employed despite staff being at risk from being accused of anything at any time.

For your benefit, if you work there and decide that anything at all is harassment, they uphold it according to the management.  Therefore if you decide that you don’t like somebody, you too can have them fired!

See what happens when you don’t get to leave the house for twenty years?  You get very very geeky.

It is a huge shame, because if he was capable of experiencing empathy I could have been a lot more helpful to him, but he isn’t.

Being a swan is not desirable, I’m afraid.  Amusing to watch but not a happy place to be.

It’s so nice that we get to spend this time together every day, SB, do you think you could maybe find a victim that has some actual money?

I see you have had a good rummage through my posts.  Hope you learned something,  nasty little man. Brummie, eh?

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How not to seduce your ex

First, make sure you are not at all interested in anything she has to say.

Then dominate the conversation with your imaginary superiority, based on half-assed references to things she might have heard of, or, if you are particularly dull-witted, things she might have seen on TV.

Ignore any concerns she may have or anything she might be feeling.

Allow yourself to be intimidated by anything she might have done that you are incapable of.

Don’t, for any reason, show any interest in anything she is doing or volunteer to be remotely helpful.

Refer to people she doesn’t like or know as if they are vastly superior.

Do not allow yourself to pay her a compliment or give her any reason to suspect that you are anything but the same lousy shit she dumped thirty years ago.

Then, after all that, try to go home with her on the expectation that she would find any of the above remotely attractive because presumably she is now bored and depressed enough to want to bonk you senseless.

 

Where is the kind and considerate person that wants to just be reasonably nice to me in a kind of biting and scratching context?  Where is the time-wasting passion?  Where is the interest?

 

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Supermix for Dawnee

Sorry to disappoint the person sitting waiting for me to post, but this is nothing to do with work.

Hi Dawnee,

I will give you a very limited list of things, but you will want to add things specific to your set of health problems so this is a very basic and generic version of supermix, designed to improve your blood quality, reduce any associated depression and improve your ability to absorb iron.

I too was anemic until I gave up meat and made this mixture as a catch all.  It is mainly superfood, herb related and mine is very expensive because it has an awful lot of ingredients.

There follows a limited version, both in terms of cost and specificity, which you may want to try alongside your spirulina, which will certainly help with your vegetable problem.

Long term, the only thing you may need is a liquid B12 to add to it, but otherwise this should go some way towards helping you out of a tight spot.

 

Spirulina – the space programme approved this as being as nutritious as I previously indicated – this is your life saver ingredient

Wheatgrass – two weeks of wheatgrass will make you feel entirely different about your life

Bladderwrack – it is cheaper than most seaweeds because it is out of fashion, but this will help your urinary tract and the iron problem

diatomaceous earth – this will help with getting your gi system working again and improve hair and skin quality.  It also removes any parasites you may have working against you

msm – skin, digestion,

maca – hormone support

yarrow – hormone, liver and kidney support

silimarin/marsh mallow powder – for your liver

Raw chocolate powder – I use this to make it taste good and add minerals for reproductive and general female health

Barberries – I chuck a handful in every day as they are very good to prevent dementia and encourage the production of brown fat, which is far better than white fat – brown helps you speed up your metabolism and white slows it down, broadly speaking

Ginger – I go through about 10 kilos a month – it is for blood sugar and is anti-cancer

Coriander – for reduction of heavy metal poisoning

This is an extremely limited basic mix and I would use a tablespoon a day in about 2 litres.  You will find other things that relate to your health by looking online, and I recommend this book, which is now free, for you to research other things you might want to add yourself.  You will have to copy, paste sorry.

file:///C:/Users/User/Downloads/Public+Health+Bartrams+Encyclopedia+of+Herbal+Medicine.pdf

Good luck, see how you get on with the spirulina first if you want.

 

Cheers,

Much love,

Ina

https://youtu.be/9O6e7cgkeqw

 

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For one day only

OK Today I am going to let the evil hormone sprite out and see how long I last outside before some guy tries to drag me back to his cave.

This means I look like a girl today, and have made no concessions at all for other people’s bullshit.

Look out world.

If I continue to feel reasonably safe doing this, which I probably won’t, I might keep doing it.

I will let you know how it goes.

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Observational BDSM

Today, for the uninitiated and initiated alike, I am going to talk about BDSM.

You may or may not agree with many of my opinions, but I am going to talk about it anyway.

At my most interested, I was probably at my least active – you can see some of my research in The Best Sex Study Ever on the books page if you want to read some amusing anecdotes about my avoidance in actually participating with anyone I didn’t know.

I found trying to convert my existing partners largely futile, and then there was one that it just didn’t pan out with, but, for those who are interested in bonking strangers here are my rules of thumb from observation in the past:

  1. Do not bonk anyone who quickly develops a sexual obsession coupled with complete refusal to listen to anything you have to say.  This is unlikely to be a happy pairing unless you are very beautiful and a full blown masochist, and most of us are not.
  2. Try both Dom and Sub, so that you have some idea what you actually want, because anyone who is reasonably talented will expect a lot of communication.  One dom told me that subs were the bossiest people he had ever met.  This is the kind of relationship you should really be shooting for unless you are very boring or crazy.
  3. Do not agree with everything suggested unless you really dig humiliation in a big way as not everything works for everyone.
  4. Personally, there are quite a few things that I have no time for or interest in, so I tend to regard it as a kind of expansion pack rather than a lifestyle choice.  Many people I have met who do regard it as a lifestyle choice are basically just scared of relationships.
  5. If anybody tells you you do not need a safeword, then it is probably time to leave.
  6. Investigate what you think you might like quite thoroughly so that you know what you are doing, as there are an awful lot of stupid people out there who have no idea and will go some way towards killing you if you are not extremely careful.
  7. The ‘scene’ – as in people who regularly participate with a large group of people, is quite superficial and bitchy by all accounts, so probably best not to start there.  Similar to the gay scene in that embarrassing incidents are circulated without your knowledge.  I was told a horrifying story about some poor girl at university who was torn inappropriately as she sat right in front of me drinking a pint of cider.  This is not something you should regard as a good thing.
  8. Not everyone is gorgeous, and it is surprising what actually floats your boat when you get talking to people.

Having also met swingers and tried to talk to them, to no avail, I stopped my investigations quite quickly, but some of the chattier BDSMers were quite enlightening.  I was, I decided, more interested in an imaginative and aesthetic perspective.  It is also unlikely that I would fully express myself outside a relationship as I am not particularly confident in this respect.

However, as discussed with one of the exs, from the perspective of making your perfectly boring long term relationship a lot more interesting, it is a useful interest to have, and so I recommend doing some reading for that reason if nothing else.

Be careful, however, what you wish for….

 

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FTAO the Incredibly Beautiful Man

Started work on story five, thought it was a bit too overt so I am awaiting a less raunchy one I think,

I probably need some help in the form of another person before I lay down the overhead design on the chair, so I will need a visitor to come and sit in the shell.  Twisty may do it if he feels better soon.

I am going to make one last stab at this, since we are not at work at the moment.

Ina Disguise exists to look at beautiful men.  The name was created in honour of Wolfe, for reasons which he will fully grasp due to one of his naughtier habits on facebook.  I have no issue with failed romance, because that is what sparks off any work I do.  The only aberration so far has been Boris.  Boris is here because I like Boris, and because he provides a very helpful counterpoint to my other work.

I have no idea how to make things OK between us.

I have tried conversation to redirect us a bit, and we seem to be heading in the direction of frustrated aggression.  I do not want this to be the case.

I had no idea you were with anyone, and to be honest, I did not intend to say anything to you in the first place.  It was out of my hands entirely.

Twisty would verify that you had not even been mentioned before I told you your seriousness was astonishingly beautiful.  Basically every other particle of me knew before I did, to cut a long story short.  The only other thing I can say I remember is you telling somebody on the shift you would need to think about something (relatively pointless) before answering them, and I apparently found that rather charming.

You did not appear to be worried or upset by it until last weekend or so.  I do not know if your relationship is new or if something bothered you about me knowing about it, but it doesn’t really matter now.  You should just have said in the first place.  I said the wrong thing, and I fully accept that, although it was not apparently something I could help.

Now the problem is impending hostility, and I would rather there wasn’t any.  I have every respect for your management ability, with the exception of the brusque bits, which are not necessary and which will not do you any favours in the future.

When people seem to double-talk you, it is usually because they are scared or anxious for other reasons, and the most helpful response is to laugh so that they are comfortable to explain things to you.

My computer, which I advised you was not connecting with the drive, has now been flagged by bank security systems as being faulty, so I was not lying to you or being difficult at all.

Thank you for staying outwith a four foot radius, as the rockets are not nearly so bad, although there does seem to be some cumulative effect from being in the same room for twelve hours.  The constant ovulation thing has happened twice before, but not with the associated physical symptoms making it incredibly difficult when we are in a training room, for example.  Chemistry is a strange thing, and it is not something either of us can do anything about.

I am very sorry that I cannot get off the shift and leave you and your friend in peace, especially as the entire situation is very upsetting for me.  I appreciate that you have other things that are of far more interest, but I am not at all happy to be trapped in this situation. I do not need any more unpleasantness in my life when my family are busy planning to destroy my home.

Please can we either sort things out so that you are reassured of my continuing support, or avoid future communication so that I can get on with my work?  Either way will have little impact on completion of the work as Ina Disguise.  I do not require more feeding to produce output.  I just don’t want to be frightened any more, and I would rather we did not fall out over something I cannot help.  If this cannot be resolved then I have to leave the job very soon.

Ina

 

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What is CPTSD?

  Difficulty with relationships may seem like a natural progression since each area mentioned thus far can affect how fruitful your relationships are. But, these challenges go beyond a lack in quality or richness. This refers more to a survivor’s potential to feel completely isolated from peers and not even knowing how to engage, to harboring an outright refusal to trust anyone (or just not knowing why they ever should)

From https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/what-is-cptsd/

 

I self-diagnosed CPTSD after looking over some material on Narcissism as a result of looking for answers as to why my family was so dysfunctional.  My eldest sister is a fairly clear-cut histrionic Narcissist, who successfully warped everyone’s relationships for many, many years.

I do not have all the symptoms of CPTSD, and those I had are mostly gone or re-emerge only rarely.  I out-grew my parents by the time I was in my mid-thirties, so finding out what had gone wrong became something of an obsession.

It was not until I met Wolfe in 2008 or so that I realised how fucked-up things were for me.  Wolfe and I were born twelve days apart, and since I am very interested in alternative health anyway, I found his approach to the business fascinating.

To cut a long story very short, I did not stop crying uncontrollably for about three years. Then some stuff actually happened which made me cry some more.

The disbelief involved was astonishing.  Then my friend Twisty, who has a more clear-cut case of CPTSD than I do, didn’t really understand what was happening and pulled me back into the lobster tank for another few years on the grounds of some of his other health problems.

So, it has been a long story, but I am glad I had the career break and very glad that I fell in love with Wolfe, ridiculous though it was.  Oh God, I still can’t stop weeping LOL

Anyway, this type of post traumatic stress has a significant effect on your life, although it does not actually constitute a mental disorder as such, and has little effect on your ability to function.

It does, however, severely affect your personal happiness and interactions, and for this reason, the ‘I’m OK, you’re OK’ brand of self-help is extremely helpful.

The book I have about it is extremely practical, and is more about regulating your stress response than telling you you are a dreadful human, because chances are you are not.

For those who are not about to get it as a gift from an eccentric stranger, here is a link:

Complex Post Traumatic Stress, from surviving to thriving

I hope that explains things a bit, and will now go and do something other than beat myself up.

 

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The Problem with Lust

Image result for beautiful arab mare

Lust is a problem for many religions, because of the inappropriate force of desire and the destructive nature of wanting something to the point of disorder.

It is entirely distinct from love.  Love has ‘God’s’ approval because it is about giving, in theory and has ‘good’ aims, whereas lust is more like fire, burning everything in its path to gratify a need.

The problem with lust, is that it isn’t very productive.  It may, as my friend says, be very healthy, but it isn’t particularly useful or pleasant.

The only real way of escaping it is to avoid the object of desire.  Therefore I spent several years not even looking at pictures of Wolfe whilst making artworks and books dedicated to him.  In this way, lust became more productive and, presumably if you look on it this way, God-worthy.

I was not aware of any religious connotations to my work before this.  I tend to describe my work as having its basis in Platonic philosophy, the divine spark of inspiration representing love, although as I have mentioned before, the fact sewing, my hands and being covered in whatever I am using is hugely important to me when creating things means that there is a massive sexual element.  I have also successfully used it to avoid saying or doing anything about my feelings in the past, but then I have always had the option to run away.

Running away, which is my usual preferred option, means that you are free to avoid being cornered.  It means you can avoid the inevitable compromises of having an actual relationship with anyone, and it means you can avoid changes you do not necessarily want.  Running away is usually smart, because if anybody actually gave a shit about you, they would come and get you anyway.  Nobody has bothered yet, which means I am doing the right thing.

I can entirely understand why churches would seek to regulate people’s experience in this way.  Stability depends on it, and any religion is really about social control and a stable society.  Nobody would have heard of Jesus or Mohammed if armies had not slaughtered millions of people successfully.

It does not look as if I am going to get to run away this week, so I will have to tolerate feeling like hell for a couple of weeks at least as it appears impossible to avoid the issue even when trying very hard.  Today I was a bit calmer at least, and then the evil sprite kicked in and tried to persuade me that there isn’t a problem.

There is a problem, and it is me.  I have to remove me as the problem.  Everyone else is just fine.

 

 

 

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Appreciation versus Expectation

What I always liked about being in love with Wolfe was the lack of expectation.  Love distilled to its purest form, which means minus the sex and the dirty coffee cups is all about appreciation, and nothing at all to do with expecting anything.

Expectation is the price you pay for actually fucking someone.  That moment of finality which many people experience the minute they have their first kiss is the beginning of the end because that is when the rules kick in.

I think I covered it in Best Romance Ever when Kira says ‘the pink romantic period is the most productive bit.’  I was making a comment about art as well as about love, the pink romantic period being the bit you tend to capture when you take on a muse and produce work.

Now that these things are kind of fused with me, I often wonder if I am capable of sustaining appreciation rather than expectation.  In the past I have sort of achieved this by having multiple ‘sub-relationships’ where it is all about actually turning up.

I am tired of the futility and time-wasting of this strategy, however, it doesn’t achieve very much.  Wolfe is right and I am wrong, as usual.  He has managed to bring commitment into it, whereas I have never bothered even trying that.  I think this depends on the culture you live in and your resources, however, and I was never interested in that side of things as I never really had to be.  I always looked on it as more of a beehive, with some bees taking quite a few years to return from pollen gathering.

Wolfe I think would agree that I would never have been happy or effective being wifelet number 44 and a half, or whatever, we just don’t have that quality of interaction, whether you view this as good or bad.  I am very time consuming and a bit too stimulating, and then I just ignore you for your trouble. Two giant egos who do much the same thing are unlikely to work out unless they are at a very relaxed time of life where they have learned to appreciate themselves and others.

From a personal perspective, and I state this upfront because it is my opinion, and possibly not one you will agree with, expectation is a conformist state where you have a set of rules that you apparently have to follow to achieve a desired aim, whether that make you happy or not is less important than how things appear.

Appreciation, on the other hand, happens less often, has no rulebook, does not require much in the way of maintenance and is a lot more appealing generally. Here is how I thought about it earlier today, as I was walking home:

“How dare you compliment my significant other!”

“Sorry?”

“How dare you!  He/she is mine!”

“Right, so what you are saying is that I should not inspire happiness in your partner by expressing my appreciation?”

“Yes!  How could you!”

“So, just to clarify, you want your partner to be less happy as long as they stay with you? Is that not a bit demented?”

“But, but, but, the rules!”

“Uh huh, that’s why I’m single.”

Basically what I am saying is what I have always said; jealousy is futile, negative and deeply unattractive.  It is far better to approach things from a perspective where the interaction is more along the lines of “Yes, he/she is fabulous.  I am very fortunate.”  If you aren’t doing that, then you aren’t really in love at all, you are a victim of expectation and should basically fuck right off until you learn the difference.

Climbing down from my soapbox in three, two, one seconds……………

 

 

 

 

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Realities of being me

Once upon a time, I was an absolute work nazi.  The real reason for this is that work was the only place I was safe from my repellent siblings.

Eventually, it turned out that I was not at all safe at work, around about the time I have previously referenced when one of the utilities companies decided to steal information rather than simply allowing me to inform them how to deal with their data issues.

Nobody is likely to do any big career favours for me, and I am unlikely to get anywhere via employment.

It then turned out that my repellent siblings even used my interest in work against me, at which point I was broken hearted for several years, especially when it also turned out that they were lazy and corrupt.

I didn’t really care about anything else until I met Wolfe, wanted to do the book, could not get anybody to discuss it with me and realised that everything I do is a waste of time, so unless I want to do it for nothing, it isn’t worth doing.

And here we are.  I am tired, very lonely, sick of coming last and apparently useless.

Now I am in a position where I am not particularly great at my job, I have seemingly limitless lust (seriously, I do not remember actually throbbing all day before) for some poor dude I barely know, and I am extremely frightened.

I don’t really like being in this position, and I think I deserve better.  Life ought to be a lot nicer, all things considered. I need to do something about that.

 

 

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