New-blog - Ina Disguise

Authors and ideas

October 13, 2017 22 Comments

Authors and ideas

Am I the only person that finds images of shirtless men on the cover of a book a sure signal that I will never want to read anything by that author?

Am I the only person that finds stories of extra-marital affairs, alpha billionaires and taboo relationships depressing?

Am I the only person that could cheerfully never read anything involving warlocks or wizards?

All of the above seem to have brat packs of authors who roam my timeline in droves, until I eventually unfollow them all. I cannot be the only person that feels like this? They are very good at supporting one another, however, and I regularly see them gleefully exchanging reviews when they bring out another of their titles.

They even have this thing called a ‘cover reveal’ before releasing these works of brilliance.

I am, for the moment, also a member of ‘Writer’s Group’ on Facebook, a group so vicious that it appears to be a forum for mutual stabbing between chapters. Only today, I was attacked by a woman with a rather spurious grasp of reality challenging some comments I had made about book marketing on the grounds that I had apparently failed to take the Medieval period into account when talking about writing and marketing. My response was that her queries were about as relevant as asking how many pre-1960 paperbacks had survived until the present day. (It is also rather ironic that she picked someone with an advanced knowledge of Medieval history, particularly in relation to art for this ridiculous challenge)

Writers, as far as I can see from this and previous experience, are an odd bunch. The people who like to write copious amounts of trash like to give you advice in order to absorb you into a herd of equally miserable and unimaginative people, and the others tend to roam alone, seeking validation from the occasional lonely paragraph. I also see a lot of people trying to write before they have lived much of a life, which causes them no end of heartbreak when they hit a writer’s block.

There are many people who have a very limited life and write beautifully, but sometimes you need to grow into your ideas. My original book, now that I have taken it out and looked at it again, is a lofty challenge requiring precise organisation, and I feel I have a better grasp of what I am trying to achieve.

You could try to argue that I am benefiting from the distance of time. You could say that I now have more writing experience, but you would be incorrect about both of those things because that is not the reason I can easily let go of a chapter or two.

Because it had morphed from a health database to a holistic tome about obesity, to a massive state of the nation style commentary, it had some scattiness. I have now, looking over it again, pinpointed exactly what I wanted to do with it and where the weaknesses were.

The overarching theme of the last few years has been weakness. Weakness for food, weakness for emotion, weakness for not accepting the inevitable. Chopping out the dead wood makes my ideas stronger, makes my book and I more likely to succeed.

Chopping out the dead wood is never a pleasant process, in life or in writing. Focusing on what you really want, rather than what you actually need is also a most unpleasant process. In my present lonely state, it is not easy to shut everyone out, but in a creative sense, it is the only thing that makes sense. It is too important not to let my higher self take over whilst I have the luxury of time to make my vision happen.

Vision is a strange thing. When it is thwarted for a long time, it causes an almost physical pain. I cannot force this plant, because to make it grow it requires the attention of more than one gardener. What I can do is give it the best possible chance of thriving, and to do this I apparently have to be alone for the moment. I cannot tell you how this fills me with despair. Nevertheless, after several wasted years of self-abuse to avoid feeling anything, I now feel something. I look about ten years younger than I did last week just admitting it.

And yet, the answer is more seclusion, probably on a permanent basis.

creativity

The Gift and implications thereof

October 10, 2017 13 Comments

Mauss The Gift on wikipedia

Mauss The Gift

Mauss is interesting about gifts. His idea is, broadly speaking, that capitalists do not like presents and will actively avoid them if they fear the risk of reciprocity.

The principle of my artwork is not reciprocity. The idea is more that I am leaving a souvenir. A token of my appreciation in this case.

I have found over the years that people react in a variety of ways, often these ways are negative. The gift is sometimes seen as an invasion, a focus for their negative feelings, and a source of blame. There must be something wrong with me as gift giver, there must be something sinister about my intentions.

As there has usually been some history between me and the recipient, and the history is generally pretty odd, as histories go, sometimes the gift seems like the last thing I should do.

Speaking as the giver, that is irrelevant. If you are a source of inspiration, I feel it is only fair that you get something for the rollercoaster that has gone with being the focus of my attention. I am a difficult creature, and even if you have not been aware of my being difficult, I am, and so I like to give gifts.

In the most recent case, I have restrained myself somewhat and given a small but meaningful gift, with the intention of a bigger gift later. In this way I am preparing to go to war with some pretty dark forces, and my hope is that the most recent recipient, who understands the need for it, will take this as a symbol of hope whilst I work on the weapons.

Anyway, I hope that my gift has not caused too many problems, and wish you every happiness with it.

Toodle pip,

Ina

Honey I made you an icon replacement page

creativity

Honey I made you an icon replacement page

October 10, 2017 68 Comments

The box took four months to make, I have included the stones because I know reiki fans will like to see what I am actually saying to him.

Honey, I made you an icon as a title was intended to reflect ‘Honey, I shrunk the kids’ rather than meaning anything more significant, although it could be taken in several ways, all of which are applicable.

The style is intended to be early medieval/childlike, which has been a feature of the Sheep in Wolfe’s clothing collection, and so it is a pretty relaxed piece of work.

The box appears to be functional orgonite, although a Gauss meter will be required to verify this. All I can tell you is that I stored it in a room that I previously avoided in the house, and I now spend most of my time there.

This is the first time I have been able to give a gift and not had a massive argument, accusations of madness or otherwise vile behaviour associated with it. Previous problems included having to sneak into people’s workplaces and leaving things under their desks and hiding the fact that I made anything at all.

Considering that I tried to give Wolfe a much bigger present previously, and had a ridiculous number of problems with trying to deliver it, this is particularly remarkable.

The short story Romance meets Death has more about my process if interested, and it is free.

Orgonite Box, made for David Wolfe. Gems include

Crazy Lace agate – Protection from Evil Eye, Decision-making, Focus – Laughter Stone

Agate – Protection, Calming, Courage – motivated, creative, and productive

Blue lace agate – Gentleness, Tranquility, Communication

Moss agate – corrects left-right brain imbalances and stimulates creativity. Spiritual metaphysical properties aid abundance and attract nature spirits

Amazonite – Stone of Courage and the Stone of Truth

Amethyst – intellectual and cerebral thought

Aquamarine – calming, soothing, and cleansing, and inspires truth, trust and letting go

Aventurine – “Stone of Opportunity,” thought to be the luckiest of all crystals, especially in manifesting prosperity and wealth, or for increasing favor in competitions or games of chance

bloodstone – carries the purity of blood and inherently speaks of life and birth, vitality and strength, passion and courage

Bismuth – energy and vitality and can help you to achieve your goals, especially when working as part of a team. It can be used to support transformation by aiding travel between the physical plane and realms of astral and spirit. It can also help with visualisation while shamanic journeying. Bismuth aids in relieving feelings of overwhelm, isolation and loneliness.

Calcite – symbolizes cleansing. This is the perfect crystal to have with you when you’re looking for a big change in your life, or when you need to make a fresh new start.This crystal will amplify the flow of energy in your body and help you with your mental expansion. There will be a shift in your perspective, and there will be a renewed sense of commitment in you that will make anything you want to do possible.

carnelian – the singer’s stone – said to attract prosperity, new resources and good luck. It is a talisman for success in any money-making venture. In the workplace, it is a crystal of ambition, drive and determination, and wards off undue pressures of co-workers or impersonal corporations with unrealistic expectations.

Citrine Quartz – The Merchant’s Stone for its properties of increase in the cashbox, sparkling yellow Citrine not only assists in acquiring wealth, but helps in maintaining it. [Melody, 209] It is a stone of abundance and manifestation, attracting wealth and prosperity, success and all things good. It also encourages generosity and sharing good fortune

Fluorite – will help you know when there are external forces trying to control or manipulate you, and it can effectively shut down any kind of mental or psychic manipulation. This is a particularly useful crystal to have at work when you are surrounded by hostile or opposing forces. It’s also a powerful crystal to ward off negative energies that threaten your personal relationships. Fluorite can get rid of any electromagnetic fog that can attract or retain negative energies and make you feel psychically, emotionally, or mentally lethargic.

Garnet – utilization of creative energy. It grounds spirit forces within the body and helps in the ability to work lovingly on the physical plane. Garnet is a sensual stone. It represents primordial fire, the creation of the world out of chaos, purification and love. It is a stone of strong, intense feelings.

Gold Tiger’s eye – bringing sharpness to one’s inner vision and better understanding of the cause and effect of each situation. It encourages one to use their powers wisely, and allows scattered information to be brought together to a cohesive whole.

Green Garnet – a stone of confidence, and stability in challenges. It is said to be particularly beneficial and stabilizing in lawsuits. Green Garnet is used for manifestation and both physical and spiritual abundance. It is also a stone of service, enhancing one’s will and ability to serve and energizing cooperative efforts. Green Garnet is a fertility stone and said to particularly enhance fertility when one meditates upon it.

Glass –

Hematite – a good stone for organizing one’s thoughts and developing logical thinking skills

Hiddenite – dispels negativity, shielding the body’s aura from unwanted energies and mental influences, and dispelling attached entities. It also works in the environment to block geopathic stress. Wear as a pendant or tape to a cell phone or other electromagnetic devices

Howlite – It will give you the gift of wisdom and enlightenment. It can help you connect to higher realms and remove the veils that are blocking the truths in your life. Howlite is a great tool to have during meditation because it can help you focus your mind. It can promote serenity of mind and remove any kind of distracting thought.

Jade – “Dream Stone,” revered in ancient cultures, as well as today, to access the spiritual world, gain insight into ritualistic knowledge, encourage creativity, and dream-solve. [Melody, 341][Raphaell, 161] It is cherished as a protective talisman, assuring long life and a peaceful death, and is considered a powerful healing stone. [Mella, 87] An amulet of good luck and friendship,

Red Jasper – Stone of Endurance, a gentle, but vital, stimulator of chi, or Life Force, bringing physical strength and energy, stamina, focus and determination. Its steady frequency calms the emotional body creating a lasting, stable energy for improving health or overcoming illness, setting goals and following through to completion, facing unpleasant tasks and having the courage to rectify wrongs

Yellow Jasper – a talisman of protection and discernment, utilized by priests, shamans and spirit guides to guard man in both his physical travels, as well as his spiritual journeys. It provided inner strength and mental clarity, and its slow, stabilizing energy makes it equally valued today for those same properties. It holds a deep connection to the Earth and is a marvelous aid for grounding and insight in spiritual work, mind travel or deep meditations. Yellow Jasper stimulates the Solar Plexus Chakra and amplifies self-confidence and courage, bringing energy and enthusiasm to one’s life and relationships. Its energies are particularly effective in revealing false people and for deflecting jealousy or spite

Kunzite – calms nervousness during an examination, interview or assessment, and is useful in situations where you cannot show irritation

Rare fusion of hiddenite and kunzite

Lapis Lazuli – a powerful crystal for activating the higher mind and enhancing intellectual ability. It stimulates the desire for knowledge, truth and understanding, and aids the process of learning. It is excellent for enhancing memory. [Simmons, 227][Ahsian, 228] A stone of truth, Lapis encourages honesty of the spirit, and in the spoken and written word. Wear it for all forms of deep communication. It is also a stone of friendship and brings harmony in relationships.

Lepidolite – a wonderful stone for promoting joy, gratitude, and self-love, yet all in an extremely calm and serene way.

Malachite – a protection stone, absorbing negative energies and pollutants from the atmosphere and from the body. It guards against radiation of all kinds, clears electromagnetic pollution and heals earth energies. [Hall, 183] Keep near microwaves in the kitchen and televisions in living areas. In the workplace Malachite protects against noise, over-bright fluorescent lighting, and harmful rays from technological equipment, negative phone calls and emails. [Eason, 283]As a stone of travel, Malachite protects and overcomes fears of flying if you empower the crystal before a trip by holding it and envisioning yourself in the wings of the Archangel, Raphael. It helps with jet lag, encourages smooth business travel, and protects in travel on congested highways. [Eason, 42, 283]

obsidian snowflake – brings about a balance to body, mind and spirit. Snowflake Obsidian helps to keep centered and focused when any type of chaotic situation (office, commute, home, etc.) presents itself. Snowflake Obsidian can remove negativity from a space or person with ease. Volcanic in origin, Snowflake Obsidian helps to draw emotions to the surface and to examine harmful thought patterns.

Opalite – subtle yet highly energetic. It is ideal for meditation. Opalite improves communication on all levels, especially the spiritual. It removes energy blockages of the chakras and meridians. Emotionally, Opalite helps by assisting during transitions of all kinds. It engenders persistence and gives us strength in verbalising our hidden feelings. It can also help us to be successful in business.

Peridot – stone of transformation, Peridot is excellent for use in recovery from tobacco or inhalant dependencies, as well as other addictions. More importantly, it is a wounded healer stone, serving as a vital guide in facilitating healing processes that help others going through what you have already overcome.

Rhodonite – dispel anxiety and remain centered in challenging situations. It is ideal for alerting one to circumstances where something, or someone, is not as it seems, and provides the “wake up call” needed to do something positive about it. Use Rhodonite to hold back insults and recognize that revenge and retaliation are self-destructive. In times of danger, it is particularly useful to promote calm and to ameliorate panic. [Melody, 564][Melody En, 692][Hall, 247][101 Hall, 170]

Rhodochrosite – helps make one buoyant and cheerful, dynamic and active. It is mentally enlivening, stimulating one’s creativity, dream states and sense of personal power. It allows for spontaneous expression of feelings, and can enhance passion and sexuality. [Gienger, 73][Hall, 245][Ahsian, 328-329]Rhodochrosite is a great stone for calling a new love into one’s life, a friend or a romantic partner that is a soulmate, one who helps us learn necessary lessons for our higher good. This stone can beautifully guide one in the quest for emotional happiness, help one move forward after a period of doubt, and express love toward others without fear of rejection. [Mella, 101][Hall, 244][Eason, 63]

Rose Quartz – in the workplace provides ongoing protection against intrusion and gossip. [Eason, 50]

Rubellite in Lepidolite

Sugilite – create a warm, protective “shield of Light,” keeping the wearer impervious to negativity and the disharmony of others. In times of discouragement or despair, place Sugilite on the Third Eye to draw in comforting energy and a flow of gentle, loving information from the spiritual world to bring peace and relaxation to the emotional body. [Simmons, 386][Raphaell, 122-123][Melody, 626]

Sunstone – an abundance stone. It encourages independence and originality, is inspirational in revealing talents, and attracts fame and unexpected prosperity. It is an excellent “good luck” crystal for competitions. [Eason, 116][Melody, 628]

sodalite – bring your attention to the qualities of idealism and truth. Its energy may stimulate you to live up to your own ideals and ideas, about the nature of truth. It has strong metaphysical properties that may stimulate latent creative abilities and it aids teachers, writers and students to understand the deeper philosophical principles.

Thulite – a stone of nurturing in a deep and full way. It aids understanding and healing the pains and illnesses caused by a lack of nurturing, even abuse. Helps bring nurturing love and understanding of love to one’s life, and can help bring harmony in relationships or communities.

Turquenite – balances and evens out mood fluctuations and brings inner peace. Because the stone is actually howlite, it has the properties of howlite of decreasing an overly critical state of mind, selfishness, stress, pain, and rudeness; increases sublety and tact.

Turquoise – empowers men and women equally, and worn or carried, it is a talisman of luck, success, ambition and creativity. [Eason, 239]

unakite – fosters healthy relationships through balanced emotions. It encourages harmonious partnerships, both in love and in business, and is especially helpful for working closely with a relative or friend where positive personal interactions are vital. [Lembo, 357][Eason, 280]

Metals:

Gold

Silver

Copper

Pewter

Brass

creativity, games

Results of recent trip and game preview

October 8, 2017 136 Comments

https://youtu.be/mtVZ6GA7M_s

You can assume from the title of the video that I managed to achieve an almost normal conversation with Wolfe, although I still growled at him at least once. Caging lions is hazardous, what can I tell you?

Seriously, I think I would like to get on with the work now that I feel slightly less wounded and am not doing anything remotely secretive.

I cannot tell you how much better I feel. I had a terrible break out of nervous psoriasis because of the stress, but I am not nearly as freaked out as before I went, so the silly thing to do turned out to be the right thing to do, not for the first time.

The game is just in the laying out stage, and the story is likely to be modified to reflect the updated image, which I had been unaware of due to avoiding him.

Ina

motivation

In 48 hours time

October 5, 2017 69 Comments

In 48 hours time it will all be over, and I will probably be on my way back here, having been ignored again.

In 48 hours time I will have been reminded, yet again, how insignificant I am and be berating myself for having bothered to try and change anything.

In 48 hours time I will hate myself for having spent money I do not have on something I should not have felt the need to do.

In 48 hours time I will be trying to figure out how I can modify my existing work to remove anything that might cause me problems later.

In 48 hours time I will feel very guilty about trying to change anything.

Hopefully I will not try and throw out my work again, because I obviously want to do it. Why I need anyone’s approval I do not know. I just know I feel very sad already, and the worst has not even happened yet.

There is a simple solution to all of this, and that is to modify everything to remove all traces of Wolfe, and do the work on the basis that nobody will be interested in it anyway.

I have to say, for an author who has amassed 30,000 readers in four years, I am feeling rather down on myself. I do not feel I have achieved anything of note, my work is mainly scribbling, and I see no evidence of anybody sufficiently enthusiastic to be waiting for the next thing to come along. Therefore Ina is still a nothing, despite some effort. I would not claim that it is a lot of effort, as I have witnessed people who put in a lot of effort, and I neither have the time nor apparently the drive to put sufficient into the project.

It has not helped that I have spent the last four years with two people who are more concerned with themselves than anything progressive or external, and that I was too sad/unmotivated to do anything about it. I am shocked when I see myself four years ago, at the damage this has done to me.

Maybe this dip is self-protective. If I do not expect anything, then I will not be so gutted when I fail.

I wish the ending of this story was not so inevitable.

motivation

Altruism as insanity

October 1, 2017 3 Comments

Finally managed to talk to a friend about my current plans and the conversation was as bonkers as ever.

In the meantime, I constructed a note for Wolfe to indicate that I am at the event, should I make it so that he doesn’t have to see or talk to me unless he wants to. Why am I so apologetic about this? I have been extremely patient, his entourage seem to think I am made of some sort of shit, and I have been waiting to provide him with some quality material that he doesn’t even have to pay for for several years. Apart from some choice words, I have nothing to apologise to Wolfe for. Every bit of sour has been compensated for with sweet at other times.

Anyway, she harped back to a friend of hers who had become ‘obsessed’ with a Slovenian singer, who then used her very polite sounding obsession to make a name for himself by pointing a finger at her.

Yeah, its a dog eat dog world out there and doing anything is utterly pointless. May I point out that this is why the planet is in the state it is in? If everybody continues to function in this egocentric and stupid way, the whole world will end up looking like the USA and nobody creative will bother doing anything. I am sure this will suit some people, especially those who make a living by talking about having read a book once, but it will not actually make life better.

I frankly do not care about Wolfe’s private life that he didn’t tell anyone about. I do not care about the unhappy woman that caused me years of pain with her bullshit, and I do not care if he is worth 10c or $200 million. None of these things matter. All that matters is that I can see a problem that nobody else seems to be addressing and that I actually deal with it. It affects everyone, and it affects the future. In the unlikely event that he actually listens to me, it will also make Wolfe a little bit less obscure.

Why I am to be reduced to being referred to as ‘a fan in denial’ and sitting at an event that I may not even be able to cope with listening to (for a variety of reasons) I do not know. Maybe people, whether they know me or not, should try a bit of fucking respect for a change. Maybe I should just stop bothering at all.

In the last few years, because of shit like this I have been reduced from a proud, intelligent hardworking individual to a brainless blob, mired in bullshit that benefits everyone but me. I am tired of it. I am not a bimbo, I have no respect whatsoever for fame, and I have a job to do. Just let me do it already.

politics

Why does America like assholes so much?

September 30, 2017 6 Comments

Donald Trump Attacks Puerto Ricans Who ‘Want Everything Done For Them’

The above article is based on actual tweets from Donald Trump in reference to the recent disaster in Puerto Rico. Personally, I think Trump is becoming rapidly senile, and we can expect more gaffes and non-understanding as his presidency wears on.

In the meantime, Trump fans are again sticking up for this as if their dubiously Christian values are supported by pointing and laughing at people in serious trouble.

This feature of American education struck us in the UK first when the fights broke out about the impeachment of Bill Clinton. America apparently could not decide between worship of an adulterer, on the grounds that he was a go-getting success story, and disapproval of a man getting his bits licked by an unsuitably cuddly intern. America likes its women stupid, thin, and compliant, and its men greedy, nasty and brutal, with no regard for others, apparently.

So, should we take it from this that ultimate capitalism is basically a dom/sub game, where you pick your preference, to fuck or get fucked? What implications does this have for the future of all these ravished countries they have insinuated themselves into by bringing them their idea of demawkraseeeee?

Further, since there is some similarity here, a case of narcissist versus empath? Empaths are clearly a bit socialist, and socialism is a very bad word to many Americans, who are not taught sufficient economic history to realise that they are educated to believe this in an effort to prevent any dangerous resurgence of unionism or workers having anything approaching rights? Capitalism, on the other hand is inherently narcissistic. Lose your empathy and shit, shit, shit on other people as hard as you can, quickly, before they notice.

So, to be happy and realise your American dream, you should lie, steal, shit on other people, grab as much cash as possible and spit on anybody that has not done the same or that shock-horror actually wants to help you for no apparent reason. (Some readers will know that I have some direct experience of this) Once you have done this, you should patronize and use anybody that you regard as beneath you, no matter what the evidence of their being more intelligent or nicer than you, on the basis that they have less in the way of cash. This is purist narcissistic behaviour, so it is little wonder that Americans are fascinated by this particular personality disorder and apply it at every opportunity.

We are seeing some new American aggression online too, in the form of the obsession with the kneel protest against racist brutality, because the kneelers apparently do not worship the flag sufficiently. We in Britain know all about this, as my friend ‘Aldous’ used to say:

“Why is Great Britain the best country in the world?”

“Because it simply is, sir.”

We used to do the same thing, when we expected our little soldiers to go and slaughter people all over the world to establish our linguistic empire. We were very successful, for such a piddly little country, and we still reap the rewards. However, we left a trail of engineering and industrial seeding that we are not seeing from the Yanks. The Yanks are more interested in sustaining the hopefully soon-to-decline oil industry and making sure that everyone will buy their poisonous food so that they can install their money-pit healthcare and fake voting system all over the world.

Trying to explain this to shouty and ill-educated Yanks is a fairly boring sport. Sometimes I waste as much as fifteen minutes on it. Yesterday, a Canadian who was writing a science fiction book about Canada invading America with the aid of aliens was being ‘destroyed’ by a Yank shouting about how this could never happen.

“Try looking up epistemology.” I said.

This is a polite way of saying “Don’t you know the difference between knowledge and opinion, you miserable little shit?” but he failed to look it up and could not join the fairly obvious dots, so I then had to explain it to him, which he then ignored because he could not answer. American education is some of the worst that I have ever seen. They like to keep people dumb and unhappy so that they will buy more stuff and believe more shit. It is, in short, the most dangerous country in the world. In my lifetime it has gone from dumbass teenager to violent twenty something, and the results are not pretty.

So, next time you get to Macdonalds, Baskin Robbins, Asda or Starbucks, keep walking. You are supporting a violent, stupid and narcissistic country who would fuck you and then see you dead for an extra tenner. You have been warned.

motivation

As time goes by (yet another David Wolfe post)

September 28, 2017 11 Comments

It honestly feels like months since my last post, but it was actually only five days ago.

I am going to the Wolfe event after all. This may seem very odd, but it is time I did something selfish for the sake of my sanity. I felt that it was unlikely that I would be able to do it for a few years so it was now or never.

There are several options as to how this will go down:

1. He hates me, and will do something horrible like suddenly realise who I am and prevent me from attending once I have gone to all the trouble of actually getting there.

2. He plays a horrible practical joke on me, which I would probably deserve after all these years.

3. He does not know that I exist at all. (I doubt it, since he gives online stuff about him an Assange level of attention, which means he spends a great deal of time on that smartphone looking himself up)

4. He chooses to ignore me entirely, which I would again probably deserve.

5. He actually felt exactly as I did and is as similar to me as I thought he was, in which case he will be cautiously pleased to see me, with caveats.

6. He liked me more than I thought he did, in which case it will be a very strange experience indeed.

All I want to do is discuss my book and the game, both of which are designed to benefit him. The book because I would like to ensure that he reads it at the very least, and the game because it has business implications. Anything beyond that would be unexpected, and frankly it will be a miracle if I get that far.

In the meantime the preparation going into this is astonishing, and I haven’t even started on going through the research material yet. In the last three days I have walked about 50km from sheer nerves.

I am still a little fat lady, albeit with bizarrely good skin, so I am hoping that I do not find myself feeling like an alien at an event which promoted itself as being full of hippy fanchicks and pale bodybuilder types. I assume that this is not strictly the audience, although I note from the material sent to me so far that more than the first 80 tickets have apparently sold, so I may just melt into the crowd.

For the sake of reassurance, I am not attending this event as Ina Disguise the entity, but as my shy and retiring self, so I do not forsee too much in the way of drama coming from me.

Considering that I am still unable to watch any of his videos, I am not sure how I will react to this, but I am hoping that watching the audience will be as fascinating as I think it will be.

I am now going to go and read ‘Rhetoric of Economics’ to put myself in more of a ‘me’ mood.

motivation

David Wolfe Uk Event update 2017 (sigh)

September 23, 2017 223 Comments

I have two weeks left to see if I can attend the event that I was still trying to stop myself attending. I have decided to stop asking myself permission. I am not very nice to myself as a rule.

I have not had any flat out refusals, the big issue at the moment is care for my mother, which will be very expensive.

Should Wolfe happen to drop in on the blog, NOW would be a good time to object rather than after I have made the relevant arrangements, as Birmingham is amongst many of the countless things I hate about doing any of this. You can do this via Tree of Life or by leaving a comment, which I can then hide.

It was extremely funny this morning trying to explain who he was without actually saying it. I still cannot imagine actually doing this. I have run through several scenarios so far, none of them particularly glorious. I am trying to calculate how big a book I need to hide behind and whether I require a heavy veil and irritating hat.

Toodle Pip, I will hopefully know later in the week.

Ina

health, motivation

Narcissism and other Pop Diagnoses

September 19, 2017 1 Comment

My Sweet Somatic Narcissist – it’s free

I wrote the above story this week, and duly punted it for a couple of days. The first four copies were poorly edited, so if anyone got one of these, my apologies.

Having spent the last week or so investigating the matter, I have come to the conclusion that you can easily get sucked into a vortex of extremely complex self-evaluation as a result of investigating this topic. I would just like to reassure any potential readers of the above free story, that it is not particularly heinous or ‘victim’ orientated. In fact, Kate responds reasonably well to her 18 months or so. I did leave out some stuff, but it was more about poor self-management than drama.

So, today the mild panic was over whether I am an Inverted Narcissist – someone who seeks relationships with narcissists because they know what to expect and seek validation from tolerance of narcissistic behaviour. Given that I am drawn to complicated relationships, and that I have had a few narcissistic people in my life, I wondered whether this was a possibility.

Whilst I certainly don’t seek to cure people of whatever their problem is, I have probably shown too much flexibility in terms of tolerance in the past, and should be valuing my emotional and physical safety more highly. I am also highly practiced at managing the feeding of narcissists, evidently, which is why I have managed fairly long term relationships with some very difficult people. I do also suffer from flash rages, which are, I think more evidence that I was brought up in a large house where I could easily go and chuck a tantrum and avoid dealing with problems face to face, rather than evidence of CPTSD. I could go down the other road, and investigate whether I am suffering from dependency issues etc, but I think it is healthier to develop a harder core and go ahead and do what I am capable of.

Therefore, I would like this blog post to be a warning to other people like me, who discover that the answer to some unanswerable questions is that you are dealing with people suffering from a variety of personality disorders. Your trauma is yours, and you do not necessarily require intervention or company. As I have said to many people in the past, feeding the sharks is not necessarily a good idea. Sometimes it is a good idea to starve your particular shark and go and do something else. It is not so much a question of avoidance, as a willingness to say OK, I think I will close that chapter and move onto something else.

In the more distant past, I moved on successfully from being an angry teenager to being a highly productive twenty something, and a stupidly caring thirty and forty something. I got some answers this week, as to why I was so angry to start with, and why I am taking the very odd path that I am currently taking. I do not think that this is justification to question or alter that path, as I think it is a positive development. In many ways the Wolfe project is continuously positive. I have rarely been so happy to avoid hating someone on the grounds of it being obvious to do so.

This does not mean that I will not be carefully considering the new information that I have, yes, I have been ‘mobbed’ by my family for several years, yes, I have made a lot of mistakes with people, and yes, I have developed some symptoms of trauma. However, the knowledge of this does not change the validity of what I am currently doing or plan to do, especially as it does not involve harming anybody and might help a great number of people if I can pull it off. Even a few years ago this would have thrown me a bit off-balance, as I would have sought to ‘fix’ the problem. Now, I think ‘meh.’

Feel the fear, and do it anyway. Additional information is a good thing, using it as an excuse to stop moving forward is not.

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