Here, I am, in probably my favourite place in the world, my mother’s house, on my own. What joy!
Twisty is here, and is very kindly looking after mother, whilst I have a moment of utter selfishness, taking stock over the last nine years.
Nine years ago, almost to the day, my mother had a stroke whilst her other two daughters sat and watched it happen.
Nine years ago, the day before, the Banking Consultancy job ended because the banks went to the High Court to prevent them having to give people like you money because they had not done business properly. I laughed as a room full of people wept over their lost mortgage payments, since they had given up their normal jobs on the basis of getting twice or three times the money they normally get. Yes the class renegade was right, as usual. The world is a muddy, murky place.
The night following this, my sister called me to tell me that a random blood clot coming adrift was my fault, and that she was entitled to my home. Apparently this is acceptable behaviour in my family.
The day after that, the other sister was let into the house to await news, and used the time to get keys cut to my home so that she could go through my belongings, threaten me and invent spurious stories to back up their claim to my mother’s money. You would think there was lots of it. There isn’t.
Four years later, after a corporate scandal in which I earned my brother quite a bit of money by being honest, he ‘took control’ in order to attempt to take all the family money. I was to live in a rented flat. My family are poison, and they tried to use me to rob their own parents. I was so ashamed. You cannot really invite a gentleman to share a life like this.
I like to attribute my 160lb weight loss to David Wolfe, because by some irrational quirk of fate, I loved him, despite his many obvious failings. I regarded him as someone who lacked, and needed the very thing he was trying to avoid. I had no other reason to want to go on living, after finding that my family, who had never been very great shakes, were utterly worthless, self- obsessed and inadequate people who would cheerfully kill me for a tenner.
The reality was somewhat different. I had a great deal of knowledge, gained over a lifetime, and I just happened to like him for a variety of deeply emotional reasons. There was something about the pain that he inadvertently expresses that I plugged into very readily. My relationship with Twisty is along similar lines. We share pain, and we share tolerance of things that most people cannot even touch in the course of their relationships. It does not always go well, but altogether it is a very healing and healthy relationship.
It is a strange thing, to pick your knight in shining armour on the basis of their ability to deal with pain, but life gets complicated as you get older, and you are fortunate if you can find someone as special as David or Twisty. One has been blamed for nothing at all, on the basis of spite, and the other has been blamed for the state of the world, on the basis of plain, old-fashioned motivation. Life is always chaotic, because it is life , and chaos is the nature of life.
My current focus is on Boris, because Boris has gone as far as he can go without me. Boris will be shocked, but Boris will not be hurt, because hurt is not the nature of my work. I have enough love to give Boris, because Wolfe does not understand what I do, and neither does Twisty.
To clarify this rather abstract concept, I am positing myself as a kind of wireless extender.
I love, therefore so can you. Go forth and love.
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