Change is sometimes sad


Well, in my quest to improve myself, I booked myself into the hairdresser only to find that I had no time to actually go, so my radical change of hair has to wait until Thursday.  I am in the middle of applying for some transcription work, and I realised that I not only don’t have time for that, I don’t even want to do it anymore.  I will probably have to do it, since I applied and do not want problems finding work in the future.  This is the fourth time this has happened, so I am really out of practice at taking tedious jobs just to pay the bills.

It is not that I am not motivated.  I just feel that there is very little time left to do what I want to do, and I should not be spending that time typing when I should be busy growing.  A little extra money, and the cap taken off my savings, would be extremely helpful at this point.  It also resolves the issue of Ina actually selling anything, since I would already be self-employed.  I am not quite sure why I am so averse to promoting myself at present.  Perhaps I have quality issues with my work?  If this is the case, I had better snap out of it because time is a-wasting.

I think it is the idea that I am doing this because there was something wrong with me in the first place, and I am not at all sure that there was.  Not in terms of work anyway.  My health was awful, my situation continues to be awful, otherwise I was a relatively happy, cynical and studious individual.  Now I feel kind of cast aside, with my efforts to change things becoming harder and more futile by the day.

Everything designed to benefit my mother seems to be based on the premise that she cannot get any better, which does not help.  I have actually stopped energising her in the form of massage in the last week because she just seems to want to sleep all the time, which is very sad and probably not good for her health.  I have been pestered before on the basis that improving her health is somehow abusing her – this was when I was still doing mental exercises with her to maintain her brain – and I have found the last couple of months similar in that other people’s expectations of her are so low that she is grinding to a halt.

Still too stressed to sew, so I cannot finish the carpet that I was making for the Boris collection, and I am wary of doing any work on the furniture until things calm down. There is still a legal battle to fight so everything feels very much up in the air.

Wrote to the organiser of the David Wolfe event to ascertain if Wolfe is likely to become furious if I were to turn up.  No answer as yet, but I am expecting a no, do not come to the event.  Referred to myself as author/artist and felt a complete fraud.  I wanted to do other things before all this started.  Now it seems out of reach and very far away.

Have taken 5 inches off my waist so far, we shall see if this improvement continues. It is perhaps because this was started because of undervalue that I feel such a lack of confidence in my decisions.


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