Today, for the uninitiated and initiated alike, I am going to talk about BDSM.
You may or may not agree with many of my opinions, but I am going to talk about it anyway.
At my most interested, I was probably at my least active – you can see some of my research in The Best Sex Study Ever on the books page if you want to read some amusing anecdotes about my avoidance in actually participating with anyone I didn’t know.
I found trying to convert my existing partners largely futile, and then there was one that it just didn’t pan out with, but, for those who are interested in bonking strangers here are my rules of thumb from observation in the past:
- Do not bonk anyone who quickly develops a sexual obsession coupled with complete refusal to listen to anything you have to say. This is unlikely to be a happy pairing unless you are very beautiful and a full blown masochist, and most of us are not.
- Try both Dom and Sub, so that you have some idea what you actually want, because anyone who is reasonably talented will expect a lot of communication. One dom told me that subs were the bossiest people he had ever met. This is the kind of relationship you should really be shooting for unless you are very boring or crazy.
- Do not agree with everything suggested unless you really dig humiliation in a big way as not everything works for everyone.
- Personally, there are quite a few things that I have no time for or interest in, so I tend to regard it as a kind of expansion pack rather than a lifestyle choice. Many people I have met who do regard it as a lifestyle choice are basically just scared of relationships.
- If anybody tells you you do not need a safeword, then it is probably time to leave.
- Investigate what you think you might like quite thoroughly so that you know what you are doing, as there are an awful lot of stupid people out there who have no idea and will go some way towards killing you if you are not extremely careful.
- The ‘scene’ – as in people who regularly participate with a large group of people, is quite superficial and bitchy by all accounts, so probably best not to start there. Similar to the gay scene in that embarrassing incidents are circulated without your knowledge. I was told a horrifying story about some poor girl at university who was torn inappropriately as she sat right in front of me drinking a pint of cider. This is not something you should regard as a good thing.
- Not everyone is gorgeous, and it is surprising what actually floats your boat when you get talking to people.
Having also met swingers and tried to talk to them, to no avail, I stopped my investigations quite quickly, but some of the chattier BDSMers were quite enlightening. I was, I decided, more interested in an imaginative and aesthetic perspective. It is also unlikely that I would fully express myself outside a relationship as I am not particularly confident in this respect.
However, as discussed with one of the exs, from the perspective of making your perfectly boring long term relationship a lot more interesting, it is a useful interest to have, and so I recommend doing some reading for that reason if nothing else.
Be careful, however, what you wish for….