What I always liked about being in love with Wolfe was the lack of expectation. Love distilled to its purest form, which means minus the sex and the dirty coffee cups is all about appreciation, and nothing at all to do with expecting anything.
Expectation is the price you pay for actually fucking someone. That moment of finality which many people experience the minute they have their first kiss is the beginning of the end because that is when the rules kick in.
I think I covered it in Best Romance Ever when Kira says ‘the pink romantic period is the most productive bit.’ I was making a comment about art as well as about love, the pink romantic period being the bit you tend to capture when you take on a muse and produce work.
Now that these things are kind of fused with me, I often wonder if I am capable of sustaining appreciation rather than expectation. In the past I have sort of achieved this by having multiple ‘sub-relationships’ where it is all about actually turning up.
I am tired of the futility and time-wasting of this strategy, however, it doesn’t achieve very much. Wolfe is right and I am wrong, as usual. He has managed to bring commitment into it, whereas I have never bothered even trying that. I think this depends on the culture you live in and your resources, however, and I was never interested in that side of things as I never really had to be. I always looked on it as more of a beehive, with some bees taking quite a few years to return from pollen gathering.
Wolfe I think would agree that I would never have been happy or effective being wifelet number 44 and a half, or whatever, we just don’t have that quality of interaction, whether you view this as good or bad. I am very time consuming and a bit too stimulating, and then I just ignore you for your trouble. Two giant egos who do much the same thing are unlikely to work out unless they are at a very relaxed time of life where they have learned to appreciate themselves and others.
From a personal perspective, and I state this upfront because it is my opinion, and possibly not one you will agree with, expectation is a conformist state where you have a set of rules that you apparently have to follow to achieve a desired aim, whether that make you happy or not is less important than how things appear.
Appreciation, on the other hand, happens less often, has no rulebook, does not require much in the way of maintenance and is a lot more appealing generally. Here is how I thought about it earlier today, as I was walking home:
“How dare you compliment my significant other!”
“Sorry?”
“How dare you! He/she is mine!”
“Right, so what you are saying is that I should not inspire happiness in your partner by expressing my appreciation?”
“Yes! How could you!”
“So, just to clarify, you want your partner to be less happy as long as they stay with you? Is that not a bit demented?”
“But, but, but, the rules!”
“Uh huh, that’s why I’m single.”
Basically what I am saying is what I have always said; jealousy is futile, negative and deeply unattractive. It is far better to approach things from a perspective where the interaction is more along the lines of “Yes, he/she is fabulous. I am very fortunate.” If you aren’t doing that, then you aren’t really in love at all, you are a victim of expectation and should basically fuck right off until you learn the difference.
Climbing down from my soapbox in three, two, one seconds……………
