Looks like the old me is back.  Reading my post from earlier, it is like looking back a decade into cynical reality.  I guess the grief is setting in.

One of the great things this project has done for me is enabled me to network.  I am not a social creature as a rule, but promoting my stuff, when I can be bothered, has meant joining a lot of interest groups as this is cheaper than merely advertising, which is not cost-effective as a rule.

Today I have been entertaining some artists with reasons for my work.  We often ask each other what our work is about, which is good practise as artists all tend to be scruffy, disinterested, and socially isolated unless we are tremendously successful.  We all tend to make the same social mistakes until we are happy with our technical ability, which is, paradoxically, never good enough anyway.  Being forced by circumstances and the ongoing thought that went into the Wolfe project into creating Ina is the only reason I have shown anything to anybody.

My own work has been complicated by the fact that I do not lust after a sufficient number or variety of men.  Given that that is the only reason I am ever compelled to do anything, I really should have spent more time earlier in life just finding men to perve at.  I was more interested in work, and had a steady supply of them, so I guess in artistic terms I have been rather lazy.

Anyway, just to make you laugh a bit, here are some very simplistic meanings behind my work.

 The Misery Mandala

This is what extremely angry sex with me looks like.

 Funk This

This is what it looks like when I decide that I can’t do anything about my inappropriate feelings and need a few weeks to try and surmount it (pun intended)  There was a series of four of these for Wolfe, three of which I liked, one I really don’t is Lucky Heart, because it is about futility and the random nature of sexuality.

 Ormus Uranium

A word gag about the Ormus range of products, popular in the USA and parts of Europe, which are mysterious in nature.  Elements such as gold are very popular with people interested in advanced mysticism, but there is no reason why poisonous elements should not have ormus properties.  It was also a good excuse to send Wolfe flowers.

 Fertility and Intellect

This is a very old piece of work, made for a grumpy history professor I adored at university, who had one of the most punk chainsaw brains I have ever come across.  I do love a bit of mental violence.  It is about the difficulties of retaining your concentration on academic pursuits when you are fertile and female.

 Call me Al

This is for Boris, who has a public persona, and a private one called Al.  I am rather touched by Boris.  He is the best of a very bad bunch, both privately and publicly and deserves better.  The UK would benefit from encouraging and listening to him.

 Bordello Rhetoric

This is the only other piece in the Boris collection that is directly for Boris.  It is about the nature of a political career, hence the title.  It is rather glamorous and bold, which I think is appropriate for Boris rather than Al.

Rebekah Brooks is fit for work

The other pieces in the Boris series are about the nature of success and the lack of fit with actual talent.  Simply declaring oneself fit for a task does not make it so, and most of these pieces either involve scandal of some sort, or just having so much money that nobody is ever going to force you to starve to death, as is happening to several sectors of society whilst wages are lowered via immigration. This will be a lengthy and very expensive series.  Rebekah is sitting in my kitchen, where she actually looks fabulous.  I expected these pieces to be loud and garish in place, but as it turns out they are conversation pieces.  Experimenting with textiles, stone, beads and resin has been expensive, but tremendous fun.

I am not sure why Boris is getting so many rock pools, but evidently I find him more erotic than I expected.  It is very much a sub-plot in my grand epic and entirely fictitious romance with Wolfe, however, so I am not sure how this imaginary love triangle is going to develop in the medium term.

I will do a page for each piece eventually, but hopefully that goes some way to explaining how my creative brain works.

Much affection,

Ina

New Stuff from Ina Disguise

Evil Money – short story

The Perverts – short story

Feel free to have a look at some new material – working on shoes and a couple of bits of furniture for the Boris collection whilst seeking yet more work.

Will be publishing under another name this year for more serious stuff, so this is a period of some upheaval, but I think we can safely say my output is on an upward trajectory due to the avoidance of despair.

As ever, if Wolfe has any objections, he cannot possibly find it difficult to find me and  let me know. I imagine he will find it as funny as I did. Shoes coming soon, and I will be back into game-making shortly as I am trying to avoid thinking at all.

Much affection,

Ina

The three people that I have kept in touch with in the last few years have talked quite a bit of nonsense in the last month or so, mainly due to the apparent distraction of my change in circumstances due to my mother being killed in hospital.

I have also had to tolerate a lot of nonsense from people who don’t know me, on the grounds that there was no point in concealing Ina any more when discussing what I am really interested in given that my cover was blown with the disgusting scum family.

Whilst this is very kind and well-meaning, I have to get something straight, so that I do not have to discuss it in person as being told that I am now free to find some random bloke/travel/whatever mad idea other people have about what would make me happy is driving me slightly mad. My mother was not the only thing keeping my nose to a self-imposed grindstone.

I haven’t changed my mind about the Wolfe issue in nine years.  Yes, I have been miserable, yes I have experienced significant change, and no, I am not likely to have a happy outcome.  That changes nothing.  I am fortunate enough to have at least encountered potential happiness, which is more than most people ever get to do. I’m extremely grateful to him, just for breathing.  I don’t think I’ve ever said that about anyone else. Yes, he still drives me insane. That is OK too. Perfection is extremely dull.

Settling for what is expedient, on the other hand, is not what I would view as a happy outcome.  I do not envy people who have done this, even though they probably believe that they have achieved something by going ahead and settling for what is real in order to obtain their preferred outcome.  I guess this is a matter of circumstance as well as personal choice.  People who want to have fifteen kids, for example, have to make a commitment fairly early in life in order to achieve their aims.

I never wanted this, nor did I prioritise finding a partner.  I was made aware of my responsibilities to my parents fairly early in life, and whilst in many ways could be viewed as being used, have got a lot out of that in terms of what I would call ‘sideways’ growth – I have a lot of strings to my bow, although there is still a lot of development work to get where it is going. That is fine with me.

It is important to remember, even if you hate my work or anyone else’s, that doing something is always better than fearing exposure, no matter what you choose to do.  Other people do not matter.  When you finally realise this, life gets a lot riskier and yet decisions become a lot easier.

Another thing to realise is that my first thought is always about work.  My father was exactly the same.  Love is work, work is love etc etc.  It is probably on the level of a disorder.  It is no fun if it is too easy and the journey is more important than the destination.

So, no, I do not ‘need a man.’  I do not want to settle for anything.  I am not in a hurry to leave my beloved home unless it is worth it, and it definitely won’t be worth it unless I get the current work done.  The work is way more important than anything.  Whilst my remaining priorities are Wolfe, cats and house related, they do not involve expected outcomes in any way whatsoever and never did.  I have my shit to do and that is that. I have no intention of settling for frankly tedious old or new relationships and I am not going to change my mind. There is only one me, and only one him.  The rest of it is tough tittie, frankly.

If any of the people that I am referring to had listened to anything, they would not be raising these issues.  Sometimes you have to self-destruct in order to create something better, whether that is real or a self-created mirage in order to achieve a much more important goal.

I have grown, particularly in the last few months, to fear different things.  I used to fear the fact I was different.  Now I fear narrow-minded stupid people who assume that everything they were taught is real.  They are the real monsters, and I do not plan to remain amongst them to suffer a stunted, stupid death of the soul.

It is funny how your bad dreams change over time.

I just had a horrible dream that I was asking for permission to propose to some thin, grey man and ended up in a group hug with him and his mother.  It was not fun at all.  I didn’t even like him that much.

I woke up thinking how frightening the prospect of old age alone is, and immediately went to check on my mother.

It isn’t as if I have seriously wanted to marry anybody.  I have never worried terribly much about it, since the weak feelings of the men in my life were returned with equal lack of interest in most cases.

On the rare occasion when I have had strong feelings for somebody, I have either run away or they have not been interested at all, in which case I have done something else with it.  I am not particularly persistent in reality.  I like distance, and I do not have much of a problem with my own company as a rule.

When I returned to the computer, a new page had appeared on my timeline in the advertising section.

I am now a member of ‘Banned by David Avocado Wolfe’ which has almost 100 likes in a very short space of time.  I imagine that if this person keeps advertising their page,  it will run into tens of thousands, since Wolfe is quite trigger happy when it comes to blocking people.  One lady that got in touch with me had just paid several hundred pounds for a trip to see him when she was blocked for no apparent reason.  I set her up on a date with some polite guy that was messaging me a lot at the time.  Apparently she had great legs and was an outstanding lay.  She rejected him, but she didn’t feel as bad about being blocked. He is now living with a morbidly obese nurse who pays his mortgage.

The page doesn’t look particularly pleasant, or as if it is likely to have any interesting posts, but I am intrigued that it appeared on my timeline at all, as I have blocked at least nine David Wolfes over the years to avoid the memes.  I have even messaged at least two offshoot pages to advise them to block me since it appeared that he had such a hysterical reaction.  (I was unaware at the time that it was in fact his wife that blocked me, since I was unaware that he had one in the first place.)

I have also blocked at least 6 hate groups, one of which I found Wolfe posting on.  Apparently trolls are more appealing for conversation than I was.  I would have thought by now that the mere mention of the name would preclude my being a member of any clubs. Evidently facebook’s algorithms need updating

So that is a rather depressing and extremely early start to the day.  I shall do some more work on the game, cats permitting.

Tomorrow I shall have to sit through a meeting in which somebody young enough to be my daughter repeatedly claims that I am a young woman who should let my mother be manhandled by strangers because she prefers dealing with them.  I cannot tell you how miserable the last six months has been, with the one exception of my taking the Wolfe by the throat, so to speak, at the event in Birmingham.

I am quite glad I did it, even though the ultimate outcome is likely to remain negative, for whatever his reasons.

Please tell me when things are going to get better?

I haven’t posted for a while, as I have been submerged in game-making.

Sadly, Mood Machine died in the transition to a new format and will have to be restarted, but Best Adventure Ever is going extremely well and I have somewhat higher hopes for it than previously.

In the meantime, the Furniture is slightly delayed by lack of funds.  The Ina Disguise rebuild has meant that my finances have taken a temporary hit which delays the new objects by a month or three.

Long term, this makes sense, so I am not terribly worried about it, but it is a pain juggling things like this, particularly at this time of year.

I have had a lot of email and comments of late, most of it spam, but I got a particularly interesting message from one of my former friends a week or so ago.

It was in response to my trip to Birmingham to see Wolfe, and detailed my becoming famous and having my former friends killed.

It is nice to know that people who expressed such disbelief in me for so long, and who expressed absolute hatred for Wolfe, have such faith in us, however life doesn’t actually work like that.

For one thing, Wolfe and I are not friends.  We could possibly count ourselves as acquaintances now, but I am not sure he would even give me that slot.  All that happened was that I made absolutely sure that he understood my perspective, as I was previously sure he did not get the correct message at all, either from me or anyone else.

For another, I have an awful lot of work to do which depended on his 1)understanding what I am playing at and 2) my actually completing the work.  We are none too keen on direct communication as a result of DRIVING EACH OTHER COMPLETELY INSANE WITHIN SECONDS. Yes, I am too fond of him and very interested in developing his rhetoric.  No, I am not stark raving bonkers and have no intention of becoming so.

So, no, all that we have established is that I am not his enemy and he knows who I am.  I have no plans to kill anyone and have no clue where this idea even came from?  Why would that even be on my task list?

Whomever you are, and I have TWO suspects in mind, both with similar history:

Yes, you were a bit shitty to me, but it doesn’t have much effect on me because I have a lot of other stuff going on.

Yes, you delayed my getting on with the things I was doing prior to my developing Ina Disguise, (as a result of one of Wolfe’s many gags at my expense)  but frankly it was a good thing, because Ina was necessary to protect my work from my family, and the experimental stuff I have done since the Wolfe episode has been a bit whackier and more interesting.

Since I am preparing to hit on the foreign secretary in the next few months, I am unlikely to retain much in the way of privacy at a fairly senior level, so I am not plotting taking out any hits on anyone.

Hope that makes things clearer!

Ina

Work has now begun in earnest on the games.  I had the graphics prepared, but I am now having to rename about a thousand pictures so that the scripts can handle them.  I cannot tell you how mind numbing it is even to organise the files when you have them.

I also want to get rid of the preparation work for the Boris Johnson book, so that I can get back to doing my academic reading for the original book.

Why I needed Wolfe’s approval to write the book I do not know, but apparently I did.  The previous stabbing pain every time I thought about it has gone, and I am quite keen to get on with it, to the point of resurrecting a positively ancient computer to get the old files so that I do not have to retype the material I have left.

For those regular readers who assume that I have some sinister motives about this, that is not the point of me at all.  Please feel free to listen to the following audio:

That is the point of the work I am doing.  It is nothing to do with seduction and everything to do with immortality and the divine inspirational spirit.

When I say this, I do not strictly mean that I am ‘moved by the spirit, man.’  I mean that you follow an inspirational path where it leads as long as it benefits you and the other party.  Where I refer to the beloved, it simply means the recipient of love, rather than implying any relationship that does not exist.  I think I have been very clear everywhere that there is no relationship between Wolfe and I at all, except in my imagination.

What I have to do now, is stop thinking about it, and do the work.  Time will tell if it has any outcome at all, but now that I feel free to do it, it is going to get done with as much efficiency as I can manage.

Looking forward to releasing some artwork shortly, which will mark the beginning of the Boris Johnson period.