“You see the real problem is that you are too bright, too experienced, too fat to be dated without some questions being asked and you don’t seem to be sufficiently ashamed to be kept in your place. You need to understand that you are nothing, you will always be nothing, because if you are nothing we feel like we are something. That is the real reason.”

Nobody will actually ever say that, of course, they will continue to invent mansplaining reasons why I am never to be given a break and why being bereaved simply means I am open to more abuse from increasingly stupid people.

I would like to encounter somebody who is actually capable of resolving problems, not more blaming me and moving on with substandard and unfair behaviour. The real shame is that I am still vulnerable to this bullshit.

I am tired of listening to stories about other people’s problems.  I would like the problems other people have caused me to be resolved and I would like some assurance that there will be no repeat of behaviour like this ever. It is not acceptable.

This is looking increasingly unlikely, and I have rarely, if ever, been surprised.  I watched two unrelated groups of nurses make assumptions and murder my mother to demonstrate that this is how the world works.

Not surprisingly I have very low expectations, and they are getting lower by the day.

I don’t see why I should be an enabler of stuff like this.

I’m tired of being told that people with twenty years less work experience are worthy of deciding what I can and cannot do for a living, and I am tired of people who cannot read a CV, never mind make judgements on who does what.

I am tired of no nice surprises.

I am tired of caring.

It may be a false alarm, but I got a day off from Staring Brat 2 today.  Perhaps the English wife managed to persuade him to concentrate on producing some tiresome kids instead.

I was chatting to a friend about something else, and found myself saying this was all these people were likely to do with their lives, so my interest in what they are doing is extremely limited.

Why?  People go through their life stages in the order they do because they are told to conform.

Born, childish when children, teenage rebellion, getting a job, getting married, having kids, feeling old, then becoming old and dying.

It simply does not occur to people that there is an alternative to this.  They persist in watching TV and they are told what to want, what to buy and what the expectations are at their age.

I am very glad that I was born to a father that questioned everything.  I definitely got that gene.  I am not sure how the other three managed to miss that small point.

Even telling people about the risks associated with a brand of water has caused the fear recently.  I informed someone at work about the heavy metal content of a popular brand, and was met with slight contempt.  People who conform are so conditioned to accept that anything branded is what it says it is that showing them how many lies they are told is actually hazardous.

Amusingly, this manifested in Twisty this week, when he unexpectedly came across a Wolfe video.

“He looked – juicy.  He must be on some sort of drug.”

“Yeah, probably a health food related drug.  The dude eats well.”  I replied.

Twisty witnessed me losing 160lb and pretended not to notice.  He then witnessed my mother going from death’s door to as well as she possibly could be whilst the NHS continued to hound me as a witch for burning and he still thinks the NHS are there to heal people.

I dragged him back here, because his health was again in decline, and restarted pineapple, mullein and coffee.  He is now able to sleep again.  When is he going to take the hint?  He has been witnessing my little miracles for years now.

People believe whatever shit they want to believe.  They are a waste of time as a rule.

The website has been rather battered by the nasty stuff that has happened over the last few months.  Without the pests at the previous company, there are very few regulars left.

So, it is time to again rebuild Ina, and see what can be done to reverse this sad trend.  I was rather upset by this last episode, and only just made it out for a walk yesterday.  When I looked in the mirror today I looked as if I had been battered.

This leads me to the conclusion that people are to be ignored rather than being deserving of any care or affection.  This is a gift from Staring Brat 2, which he imparted via the lies of omission and general maliciousness, however I am glad that my core is now freezing cold. It will make it much easier in the weeks ahead.

Twisty was talking about comics again today, so we went over what he remembers about childhood comics:

Male comics consisted of tales of adventure, finding treasure, bonhomie, fighting off the bad guys, being a good egg, generally looking outwards and forwards.

Female comics consisted of crying, being beaten to induce shame, over-valuing friendships, worrying about how you looked.

“OK, so everything you have just said relates to genitals.”  I said.

“I don’t understand what you mean?” He looked confused.

Everything the boys do is pointing outwards, acquisitive, positive, everything the girls do is about shame, not being too proud but trying to persuade the world to be nice to you by being humble and yet well presented.

You see, because I decided at a very early age that I was not at all interested in any of that, my mother knew she was out of her depth.  She tried at various points to understand me, but it was not until my father died that she understood that I was basically him all over again.  Kind of genderless, in many respects.

Twisty would have you believe that I am very girly.  I would say that he is more girly than I, and in tests of brain gender, we have proved over and over that he is the girl and I am the man of our friendship.  I would like to say that this is progressive, but it probably isn’t.

Meanwhile, at work, we have three generations represented in the training group:

Millennials, who will readily accuse you of an ism, and yet don’t appear to know anything about agism and had to be told in no uncertain terms yesterday.

A boomer, who looks like an old man but is only five years older than me, which was a bit of a shocker.

Me, Generation X.  I had to explain why millennials don’t buy houses to the boomer this morning.  Sigh.  Generation X had about 60 percent of the problems millennials have, and it was no less embarassing and frustrating for us as we were too embarrassed to admit it.

I have, however, no patience for agism.  My mother was just killed by agism, and I am tired of stupid people. I went for it yesterday.  I would like to say I had some say in whether I dealt with it, but I really didn’t.  Similar to the Staring Brat 2 situation, the red mist descended and I dealt with them in no uncertain terms.

So, as my search for work continues, I am making a point of mentioning my managerial ability, which I have never done in the past.  Fuck being humble.  I am tired of being stomped on by morons.

I have a few days left to decide if I am going to move from this job to a job where I never have to see anyone again.  It all depends on a further opportunity that came up today, and on a few high level people I am in discussion with at present.

Apart from that, I am delighted for Boris.  I will have my t shirt made forthwith, lovely boy.

Ina