The three people that I have kept in touch with in the last few years have talked quite a bit of nonsense in the last month or so, mainly due to the apparent distraction of my change in circumstances due to my mother being killed in hospital.
I have also had to tolerate a lot of nonsense from people who don’t know me, on the grounds that there was no point in concealing Ina any more when discussing what I am really interested in given that my cover was blown with the disgusting scum family.
Whilst this is very kind and well-meaning, I have to get something straight, so that I do not have to discuss it in person as being told that I am now free to find some random bloke/travel/whatever mad idea other people have about what would make me happy is driving me slightly mad. My mother was not the only thing keeping my nose to a self-imposed grindstone.
I haven’t changed my mind about the Wolfe issue in nine years. Yes, I have been miserable, yes I have experienced significant change, and no, I am not likely to have a happy outcome. That changes nothing. I am fortunate enough to have at least encountered potential happiness, which is more than most people ever get to do. I’m extremely grateful to him, just for breathing. I don’t think I’ve ever said that about anyone else. Yes, he still drives me insane. That is OK too. Perfection is extremely dull.
Settling for what is expedient, on the other hand, is not what I would view as a happy outcome. I do not envy people who have done this, even though they probably believe that they have achieved something by going ahead and settling for what is real in order to obtain their preferred outcome. I guess this is a matter of circumstance as well as personal choice. People who want to have fifteen kids, for example, have to make a commitment fairly early in life in order to achieve their aims.
I never wanted this, nor did I prioritise finding a partner. I was made aware of my responsibilities to my parents fairly early in life, and whilst in many ways could be viewed as being used, have got a lot out of that in terms of what I would call ‘sideways’ growth – I have a lot of strings to my bow, although there is still a lot of development work to get where it is going. That is fine with me.
It is important to remember, even if you hate my work or anyone else’s, that doing something is always better than fearing exposure, no matter what you choose to do. Other people do not matter. When you finally realise this, life gets a lot riskier and yet decisions become a lot easier.
Another thing to realise is that my first thought is always about work. My father was exactly the same. Love is work, work is love etc etc. It is probably on the level of a disorder. It is no fun if it is too easy and the journey is more important than the destination.
So, no, I do not ‘need a man.’ I do not want to settle for anything. I am not in a hurry to leave my beloved home unless it is worth it, and it definitely won’t be worth it unless I get the current work done. The work is way more important than anything. Whilst my remaining priorities are Wolfe, cats and house related, they do not involve expected outcomes in any way whatsoever and never did. I have my shit to do and that is that. I have no intention of settling for frankly tedious old or new relationships and I am not going to change my mind. There is only one me, and only one him. The rest of it is tough tittie, frankly.
If any of the people that I am referring to had listened to anything, they would not be raising these issues. Sometimes you have to self-destruct in order to create something better, whether that is real or a self-created mirage in order to achieve a much more important goal.
I have grown, particularly in the last few months, to fear different things. I used to fear the fact I was different. Now I fear narrow-minded stupid people who assume that everything they were taught is real. They are the real monsters, and I do not plan to remain amongst them to suffer a stunted, stupid death of the soul.