As you can imagine, I am feeling a bit flat today, given that I have just had another lousy birthday and have ascertained that I have wasted yet more time appeasing somebody on an utterly pointless basis. Therefore I will be spending today re-editing some of my funnier stuff and tidying up before I decide whether to remove all the free marketing Ina did on the grounds of really not caring about anything anymore.
On a funnier note, here is why Wolfe and I did not get on, although should he read this I happen to know that he will secretly find it hysterically funny – no, I do not plan to explain this further, worry not Wolfe. This is from his lovely blog post, which I found yesterday. I did catch sight of some boring and rather staid posts a couple of years back, but chose to avoid them and I was hoping the indication of brain aging was temporary. David’s words are in bold:
Here are 10 Things I do to Help Keep my Wife Happy!
1. Chores
Small tasks seem simple and straightforward, but they tend to pile up. Pretty soon, the wife is running around the house for a half an hour getting everything done before bed. This is hard for anyone. Small things like emptying or loading the dishwasher, moving along the laundry, or taking out the trash, are easy to do and help to make a loved one feel more appreciated. It is hard because I really live to work, to make sure I am helping around the house. However, taking 2 hours out of each day to be one-on-one with my daughter is a huge break for my wife. Helping with bath time, reading time and simply making sure I clean up after myself is enough to keep things rolling with positivity.
Congrats on managing to clean up after yourself. This already looks like the most boring day ever. Do not refer to your wife as ‘the wife’ as it is extremely insulting. What happened to the queue of groupies you were so proud of? Is she first in that queue?
2. Her Needs First
Being in a relationship means caring for the needs of your partner. As often as possible, I try to put her needs first. I ask her what she wants for dinner instead of stating what I want. When we walk or run together, I try to match her pace. Alternatively, she will yell at me to slow down!
I am not sure why anyone would have to think about this, unless of course they aren’t actually doing anything apart from role-playing ‘the best husband ever.’ Time apart is a lot more important than time together, unless of course you are trying to create a homogeneous unit of melded non-thought and pithy unproductive boredom.
3. Listen Not Fix
Sometimes my wife just needs to talk about her problems without someone trying to fix it. Men want to get to a point in the conversation where they can offer a quick fix and then drop it. However, my wife needs to talk through her issues, and I allow her to do that with me, without glancing at my smartphone as she does.
This is straight out of a self-help book from the nineties. You do not deserve a medal for avoiding your text messages.
4. Use Kind and Grateful Words
I constantly remind myself to use kind and comforting words with my wife. Thank yous and pleases go a long way in any conversation. I want to make sure she understands how much I appreciate what she does for me.
Know each other well, do you? This is not the person I know. He was a lot more interesting and doesn’t give a shit about anybody.
5. Compliments
I make it a point to compliment my wife whenever she tries something new like a hairstyle, a new sweater, or even a new craft. I also talk highly of her to our friends. She is very talented and, whenever I can, I tell my friends all about how amazing she is.
That said, my wife and I keep it real with others. We are not afraid to look ‘messy’ around others, as real relationships are not without complications.
OK this is now into the realms of extremely tedious. How do you expect to get better at anything if you are constantly soft-soaping each other? Try starting from the standpoint that you aren’t good enough and work from there.
6. Take Responsibility
Jobs like mowing the lawn and taking out the trash, are mine to do. I try very hard to get them done without my wife having to ask me more than once. No one wants to be a nag, and by getting stuff done when asked, I take that burden off of her.
You sound like Theresa May “There are boy jobs and girl jobs.” What a boring old fart you turned out to be? What happened to the importance of male – female friction?
7. Listen, Apologize, Change
Your wife knows you better than anyone else on the planet. Thus, when she has something to say about how one deals with other people, take note. She is the perfect outside observer that has your best interest at heart. She stays out of my business affairs but when she speaks up, I listen, and it has helped me take my business to the next level.
Evidently she doesn’t know you very well, otherwise you wouldn’t continue to be such a rude, tiresome wanker.
8. Ask Her Opinion
I always ask her for an opinion when I have a big decision I have to make. She is also very good at considering the feelings of others and does a great job helping me see all parts of the situation.
Keep doing that, she is undoubtedly better at that than you are. She couldn’t be any worse.
9. Support Her Dreams
Supporting your wife’s dreams is a lot easier than one may think. All one has to do is make sure she has the time and the materials to make her dream happen. If she wants to learn how to operate her computer better, get her a book about that. If she wishes to take up hiking, set aside time so you can both enjoy the outdoors together. We have a second kid on the way, and we are looking to move into a bigger home to accommodate that. 2016 is a year of big dreams for us.
That’s really great, I am delighted that you are happy, but you aren’t going to be saving the world any time soon. This is a time-consuming, patronising and boring relationship. Sorry, but I am glad you are happy with it anyway. I didn’t realise you were this limited? Is this new?
10. Say, I Love You
The phrase, “I love you” should be used as often as possible. You chose your wife to have and to hold, and she should never have any doubt that you still feel the same way about her.
Role-playing a relationship isn’t real. I take it she has more money than you then?
One’s words and actions have a huge effect on how their loved ones feel. This is especially true in a husband, wife relationship. I make it one of my biggest priorities to help my wife feel cared for and happy.
Tell me about it. I do not forsee a bright or productive future.
What are the little things you do to help your wife feel happy and cared for?
Well, personally I like to lock myself up until I feel less ugly, stupid and undervalued, which can take anything up to fifty years. Perhaps you should try insulting her intelligence more. That seems to work well for you. I’ve been dead for years anyway.
If anyone wants any artwork, I am wanting rid of some of this stuff before I have to pay to store it.