creativity

The Gift and implications thereof

October 10, 2017 11 Comments

Mauss is interesting about gifts. His idea is, broadly speaking, that capitalists do not like presents and will actively avoid them if they fear the risk of reciprocity.

The principle of my artwork is not reciprocity. The idea is more that I am leaving a souvenir. A token of my appreciation in this case.

I have found over the years that people react in a variety of ways, often these ways are negative. The gift is sometimes seen as an invasion, a focus for their negative feelings, and a source of blame. There must be something wrong with me as gift giver, there must be something sinister about my intentions.

As there has usually been some history between me and the recipient, and the history is generally pretty odd, as histories go, sometimes the gift seems like the last thing I should do.

Speaking as the giver, that is irrelevant. If you are a source of inspiration, I feel it is only fair that you get something for the rollercoaster that has gone with being the focus of my attention. I am a difficult creature, and even if you have not been aware of my being difficult, I am, and so I like to give gifts.

In the most recent case, I have restrained myself somewhat and given a small but meaningful gift, with the intention of a bigger gift later. In this way I am preparing to go to war with some pretty dark forces, and my hope is that the most recent recipient, who understands the need for it, will take this as a symbol of hope whilst I work on the weapons.

Anyway, I hope that my gift has not caused too many problems, and wish you every happiness with it.

Toodle pip,

Ina

Honey I made you an icon replacement page

creativity

Honey I made you an icon replacement page

October 10, 2017 59 Comments

The box took four months to make, I have included the stones because I know reiki fans will like to see what I am actually saying to him.

Honey, I made you an icon as a title was intended to reflect ‘Honey, I shrunk the kids’ rather than meaning anything more significant, although it could be taken in several ways, all of which are applicable.

The style is intended to be early medieval/childlike, which has been a feature of the Sheep in Wolfe’s clothing collection, and so it is a pretty relaxed piece of work.

The box appears to be functional orgonite, although a Gauss meter will be required to verify this. All I can tell you is that I stored it in a room that I previously avoided in the house, and I now spend most of my time there.

This is the first time I have been able to give a gift and not had a massive argument, accusations of madness or otherwise vile behaviour associated with it. Previous problems included having to sneak into people’s workplaces and leaving things under their desks and hiding the fact that I made anything at all.

Considering that I tried to give Wolfe a much bigger present previously, and had a ridiculous number of problems with trying to deliver it, this is particularly remarkable.

The short story Romance meets Death has more about my process if interested, and it is free.

Orgonite Box, made for David Wolfe. Gems include

Crazy Lace agate – Protection from Evil Eye, Decision-making, Focus – Laughter Stone

Agate – Protection, Calming, Courage – motivated, creative, and productive

Blue lace agate – Gentleness, Tranquility, Communication

Moss agate – corrects left-right brain imbalances and stimulates creativity. Spiritual metaphysical properties aid abundance and attract nature spirits

Amazonite – Stone of Courage and the Stone of Truth

Amethyst – intellectual and cerebral thought

Aquamarine – calming, soothing, and cleansing, and inspires truth, trust and letting go

Aventurine – “Stone of Opportunity,” thought to be the luckiest of all crystals, especially in manifesting prosperity and wealth, or for increasing favor in competitions or games of chance

bloodstone – carries the purity of blood and inherently speaks of life and birth, vitality and strength, passion and courage

Bismuth – energy and vitality and can help you to achieve your goals, especially when working as part of a team. It can be used to support transformation by aiding travel between the physical plane and realms of astral and spirit. It can also help with visualisation while shamanic journeying. Bismuth aids in relieving feelings of overwhelm, isolation and loneliness.

Calcite – symbolizes cleansing. This is the perfect crystal to have with you when you’re looking for a big change in your life, or when you need to make a fresh new start.This crystal will amplify the flow of energy in your body and help you with your mental expansion. There will be a shift in your perspective, and there will be a renewed sense of commitment in you that will make anything you want to do possible.

carnelian – the singer’s stone – said to attract prosperity, new resources and good luck. It is a talisman for success in any money-making venture. In the workplace, it is a crystal of ambition, drive and determination, and wards off undue pressures of co-workers or impersonal corporations with unrealistic expectations.

Citrine Quartz – The Merchant’s Stone for its properties of increase in the cashbox, sparkling yellow Citrine not only assists in acquiring wealth, but helps in maintaining it. [Melody, 209] It is a stone of abundance and manifestation, attracting wealth and prosperity, success and all things good. It also encourages generosity and sharing good fortune

Fluorite – will help you know when there are external forces trying to control or manipulate you, and it can effectively shut down any kind of mental or psychic manipulation. This is a particularly useful crystal to have at work when you are surrounded by hostile or opposing forces. It’s also a powerful crystal to ward off negative energies that threaten your personal relationships. Fluorite can get rid of any electromagnetic fog that can attract or retain negative energies and make you feel psychically, emotionally, or mentally lethargic.

Garnet – utilization of creative energy. It grounds spirit forces within the body and helps in the ability to work lovingly on the physical plane. Garnet is a sensual stone. It represents primordial fire, the creation of the world out of chaos, purification and love. It is a stone of strong, intense feelings.

Gold Tiger’s eye – bringing sharpness to one’s inner vision and better understanding of the cause and effect of each situation. It encourages one to use their powers wisely, and allows scattered information to be brought together to a cohesive whole.

Green Garnet – a stone of confidence, and stability in challenges. It is said to be particularly beneficial and stabilizing in lawsuits. Green Garnet is used for manifestation and both physical and spiritual abundance. It is also a stone of service, enhancing one’s will and ability to serve and energizing cooperative efforts. Green Garnet is a fertility stone and said to particularly enhance fertility when one meditates upon it.

Glass –

Hematite – a good stone for organizing one’s thoughts and developing logical thinking skills

Hiddenite – dispels negativity, shielding the body’s aura from unwanted energies and mental influences, and dispelling attached entities. It also works in the environment to block geopathic stress. Wear as a pendant or tape to a cell phone or other electromagnetic devices

Howlite – It will give you the gift of wisdom and enlightenment. It can help you connect to higher realms and remove the veils that are blocking the truths in your life. Howlite is a great tool to have during meditation because it can help you focus your mind. It can promote serenity of mind and remove any kind of distracting thought.

Jade – “Dream Stone,” revered in ancient cultures, as well as today, to access the spiritual world, gain insight into ritualistic knowledge, encourage creativity, and dream-solve. [Melody, 341][Raphaell, 161] It is cherished as a protective talisman, assuring long life and a peaceful death, and is considered a powerful healing stone. [Mella, 87] An amulet of good luck and friendship,

Red Jasper – Stone of Endurance, a gentle, but vital, stimulator of chi, or Life Force, bringing physical strength and energy, stamina, focus and determination. Its steady frequency calms the emotional body creating a lasting, stable energy for improving health or overcoming illness, setting goals and following through to completion, facing unpleasant tasks and having the courage to rectify wrongs

Yellow Jasper – a talisman of protection and discernment, utilized by priests, shamans and spirit guides to guard man in both his physical travels, as well as his spiritual journeys. It provided inner strength and mental clarity, and its slow, stabilizing energy makes it equally valued today for those same properties. It holds a deep connection to the Earth and is a marvelous aid for grounding and insight in spiritual work, mind travel or deep meditations. Yellow Jasper stimulates the Solar Plexus Chakra and amplifies self-confidence and courage, bringing energy and enthusiasm to one’s life and relationships. Its energies are particularly effective in revealing false people and for deflecting jealousy or spite

Kunzite – calms nervousness during an examination, interview or assessment, and is useful in situations where you cannot show irritation

Rare fusion of hiddenite and kunzite

Lapis Lazuli – a powerful crystal for activating the higher mind and enhancing intellectual ability. It stimulates the desire for knowledge, truth and understanding, and aids the process of learning. It is excellent for enhancing memory. [Simmons, 227][Ahsian, 228] A stone of truth, Lapis encourages honesty of the spirit, and in the spoken and written word. Wear it for all forms of deep communication. It is also a stone of friendship and brings harmony in relationships.

Lepidolite – a wonderful stone for promoting joy, gratitude, and self-love, yet all in an extremely calm and serene way.

Malachite – a protection stone, absorbing negative energies and pollutants from the atmosphere and from the body. It guards against radiation of all kinds, clears electromagnetic pollution and heals earth energies. [Hall, 183] Keep near microwaves in the kitchen and televisions in living areas. In the workplace Malachite protects against noise, over-bright fluorescent lighting, and harmful rays from technological equipment, negative phone calls and emails. [Eason, 283]As a stone of travel, Malachite protects and overcomes fears of flying if you empower the crystal before a trip by holding it and envisioning yourself in the wings of the Archangel, Raphael. It helps with jet lag, encourages smooth business travel, and protects in travel on congested highways. [Eason, 42, 283]

obsidian snowflake – brings about a balance to body, mind and spirit. Snowflake Obsidian helps to keep centered and focused when any type of chaotic situation (office, commute, home, etc.) presents itself. Snowflake Obsidian can remove negativity from a space or person with ease. Volcanic in origin, Snowflake Obsidian helps to draw emotions to the surface and to examine harmful thought patterns.

Opalite – subtle yet highly energetic. It is ideal for meditation. Opalite improves communication on all levels, especially the spiritual. It removes energy blockages of the chakras and meridians. Emotionally, Opalite helps by assisting during transitions of all kinds. It engenders persistence and gives us strength in verbalising our hidden feelings. It can also help us to be successful in business.

Peridot – stone of transformation, Peridot is excellent for use in recovery from tobacco or inhalant dependencies, as well as other addictions. More importantly, it is a wounded healer stone, serving as a vital guide in facilitating healing processes that help others going through what you have already overcome.

Rhodonite – dispel anxiety and remain centered in challenging situations. It is ideal for alerting one to circumstances where something, or someone, is not as it seems, and provides the “wake up call” needed to do something positive about it. Use Rhodonite to hold back insults and recognize that revenge and retaliation are self-destructive. In times of danger, it is particularly useful to promote calm and to ameliorate panic. [Melody, 564][Melody En, 692][Hall, 247][101 Hall, 170]

Rhodochrosite – helps make one buoyant and cheerful, dynamic and active. It is mentally enlivening, stimulating one’s creativity, dream states and sense of personal power. It allows for spontaneous expression of feelings, and can enhance passion and sexuality. [Gienger, 73][Hall, 245][Ahsian, 328-329]Rhodochrosite is a great stone for calling a new love into one’s life, a friend or a romantic partner that is a soulmate, one who helps us learn necessary lessons for our higher good. This stone can beautifully guide one in the quest for emotional happiness, help one move forward after a period of doubt, and express love toward others without fear of rejection. [Mella, 101][Hall, 244][Eason, 63]

Rose Quartz – in the workplace provides ongoing protection against intrusion and gossip. [Eason, 50]

Rubellite in Lepidolite

Sugilite – create a warm, protective “shield of Light,” keeping the wearer impervious to negativity and the disharmony of others. In times of discouragement or despair, place Sugilite on the Third Eye to draw in comforting energy and a flow of gentle, loving information from the spiritual world to bring peace and relaxation to the emotional body. [Simmons, 386][Raphaell, 122-123][Melody, 626]

Sunstone – an abundance stone. It encourages independence and originality, is inspirational in revealing talents, and attracts fame and unexpected prosperity. It is an excellent “good luck” crystal for competitions. [Eason, 116][Melody, 628]

sodalite – bring your attention to the qualities of idealism and truth. Its energy may stimulate you to live up to your own ideals and ideas, about the nature of truth. It has strong metaphysical properties that may stimulate latent creative abilities and it aids teachers, writers and students to understand the deeper philosophical principles.

Thulite – a stone of nurturing in a deep and full way. It aids understanding and healing the pains and illnesses caused by a lack of nurturing, even abuse. Helps bring nurturing love and understanding of love to one’s life, and can help bring harmony in relationships or communities.

Turquenite – balances and evens out mood fluctuations and brings inner peace. Because the stone is actually howlite, it has the properties of howlite of decreasing an overly critical state of mind, selfishness, stress, pain, and rudeness; increases sublety and tact.

Turquoise – empowers men and women equally, and worn or carried, it is a talisman of luck, success, ambition and creativity. [Eason, 239]

unakite – fosters healthy relationships through balanced emotions. It encourages harmonious partnerships, both in love and in business, and is especially helpful for working closely with a relative or friend where positive personal interactions are vital. [Lembo, 357][Eason, 280]

Metals:

Gold

Silver

Copper

Pewter

Brass

creativity, games

Results of recent trip and game preview

October 8, 2017 95 Comments

https://youtu.be/mtVZ6GA7M_s

You can assume from the title of the video that I managed to achieve an almost normal conversation with Wolfe, although I still growled at him at least once. Caging lions is hazardous, what can I tell you?

Seriously, I think I would like to get on with the work now that I feel slightly less wounded and am not doing anything remotely secretive.

I cannot tell you how much better I feel. I had a terrible break out of nervous psoriasis because of the stress, but I am not nearly as freaked out as before I went, so the silly thing to do turned out to be the right thing to do, not for the first time.

The game is just in the laying out stage, and the story is likely to be modified to reflect the updated image, which I had been unaware of due to avoiding him.

Ina

creativity, health

Am I a covert narcissist?

September 14, 2017 39 Comments

Am I a covert narcissist?

I have just spent another few hours investigating narcissism, and began to wonder in the course of this if I qualified as a covert (shy) cerebral narcissist. To cut to the chase, I failed to make the grade.

Why? I failed this test Are you an undercover narcissist?

I qualify as self-centred, but I am a dismal failure as a narc.

It is a bit miraculous, given my family background. My eldest sister is an overt narcissist, my mother has some narc qualities, but is more complex. My father was strongly empath. I have at least two exs with strong markers for covert narcissism. My brother is an undiagnosed depressive (the NHS prefers to diagnose professional depressives as having ME), and my other sister is so twisted that I have not even begun to figure out what her problem is, beyond the alcohol.

So, from the perspective of someone who has, one way or another, always had to deal with at least one narcissist, it is no wonder that I am always on the look-out for the familiar.

Youtube is a hotbed of information for people who would like to qualify as the victims of narcissism. Reasons vary from actual abuse, to simply wondering why their text messages are not returned.

Whilst diagnosing your friends and family with personality disorders is always a fun way to spend the afternoon, it does not mean that you can actually do anything about it. I do not plan to bother telling any of them, since it is not something that you can do terribly much about. As my father demonstrated, the only thing you can do is avoid them if you can and keep working.

In the event that you are the victim of a narcissist and become aware of it, the best thing to do is get out of the situation, rather than assuming that you can do anything about it or force them to change. Any self-respecting narc will then simply move on to a more fruitful target, rather than making an endless tit of themselves completing any creative or pop-academic projects. (as I have been doing)

One day, I will be free of this situation and will probably live in penury in a cottage in the middle of nowhere. I will then struggle to feed my cats and keep a car on the road in the course of putting some work out. In the meantime, whilst I have access to the university library, I am going to complete the next two big books – both of which require actual research – whilst I finish the Best Ever project.

I have, in the meantime, been getting used to the idea of people looking at me, so I have made a stack of youtube videos, which thankfully few people are watching. This should desensitize me to the extreme intolerance to people which I seem to have acquired over the last five years or so. I did not always cringe quite so much, but then I did not always form irrational attachments to people in public. (see previous posts)

I am trying to think how to improve my presentation skills, which I will work on further later on in my rebuild project, as I am still very unhappy about my looks at the moment. I think it is a case of making a bad video, and then remaking it until it looks better.

As the ‘victim’ of narc abuse since I was about three, I would agree that it can affect your health and self-image, but if it is your family you do not have the option of crumbling and running for help. You basically grow up knowing that something is wrong.

The head narc in my family used this to indicate that something was wrong with me. She is still doing it. The only thing I have been able to do to counteract this is cut my siblings out of my life entirely, since the delusion is so deeply engrained (it was also encouraged by my mother) that there is just no point in even trying to discuss it with anybody.

The point I am trying to make is – you don’t need to choose to be a ‘victim’ of a narcissist. You can choose to accept that you are dealing with an entirely unreasonable and irrational individual who hates you and lies about it. Then you can take appropriate action to preserve yourself and any available loved ones as necessary. I have been saying for many years that if I had any sense I would have got as far away from these people as possible. If I had done so, there would be nothing left for them to fight about, including no mother and no money.

What does alarm me, is that I have chosen at least one best friend and two boyfriends who were narcs with added violence. This indicates that I have to select on a more deliberate basis than mere attraction as I am likely to make poor choices. I have also shown some narc tendencies, as I have seen this afternoon. Led by example, I presume, although unlike the narcs in my life I am entirely capable of being reasonable. I can also assure you that there is nothing wrong with my empathy or ability to form intimate relationships. I am no angel, but as far as listening to problems is concerned, if anything I have wasted far too much time and energy on it, to the point of taking years to figure out I am being played for a sucker by yet another covert narc!

To conclude, don’t get hysterical about selfish people who throw tantrums and turn the conversation back to something that went wrong long before they met you. They aren’t all actually monsters. Sometimes the histrionics can be extremely entertaining. It is all in your attitude. If you cannot handle it, you are probably best to just leave.

https://youtu.be/xcosL-JohCI

creativity, motivation

On shyness as narcissism

August 31, 2017 265 Comments

In an effort to cure my crippling shyness and move on from the recent past, I have today been researching narcissism. I found some interesting stuff on shyness as a narcissistic trait. The theory being that shyness is narcissistic because it indicates that you imagine your presence is important.

I have not always been shy. I originally worked with the public. Whilst this was a strain because I am so used to having quite so much alone time, I managed it without too much fuss and was a fairly big personality. Likewise when I became a head chef, I had no problem learning how to work a room full of male chefs to get the best out of my staff. I also have little problem trying new things, so evidently I have a form of confidence. I just don’t particularly like interacting with lots of people.

I am trying to get over this, as I work on the Ina Disguise Entity project, as I think I will call it. I have been back on my old youtube channel and re-released some old stuff. I made a couple of videos today. I still find I am worrying constantly about whether anybody wants to see it, whether it makes sense, whether I should be bothering to try. I should not be worrying about this.

I made quite a few videos for my friend in London years ago when I first went raw, and found the minute the view count hit 40 I just wanted to take them all back down again. The thought of people looking at me horrified me.

For the purposes of inventing Ina Disguise as a person I need to start getting over this as quickly as possible, therefore it is important that I work on it. Making a youtube video should not be a source of quite so much anxiety, especially when you have a very small channel with few viewers. Nevertheless I have already made and taken down about seven, regardless of the fact they only had one or two viewers. This is not perfectionism, as anyone who has listened to the Ina Disguise channel can testify, but social anxiety.

In the spirit of making the best use of this anxiety, I am kind of using it as fuel to make me work harder on my appearance. If I know people will see me, I take a lot more care than if I never see anyone, so it is quite helpful for that. Having said this, in the event I ever do have to make public presentations, freaking out and going over every word I say over and over again is less than helpful. I need to lose the hang-ups, basically. It has become far worse since the family disaster and events of the last decade, so it is something I need to persist in working on.

In the spirit of self-acceptance, it would be nice to forget about it and do back-room types of work, but it does not look as if this is how life is going to work out, so I am going to persist with it. At least it will force me to regard myself as an artwork, which is probably a good thing. It has, however, created something of a crisis of confidence about my artwork. I kind of want to make a bonfire with quite a bit of it at the moment.

Shyness as a form of narcissism is a similar concept to caring as a form of self-abuse. You hand over your life to care for someone else to show what a nice person you are, at your own expense. It is a very damaging way of expressing yourself, especially when you have at least one real narcissist in your family waiting to criticise your efforts at every opportunity. It is up to yourself how strong you are in terms of rationalising and taking action to avoid becoming a victim of these things. I certainly never thought my life would ever end up like this. It was not what I worked towards at all.

So, the Wolfe-era journey has now led me into very unfamiliar and terrifying terrain. A lot of self-evaluation and development is still necessary, despite my exploring having gone relatively well so far. The problem with such self-evaluation is that it opens up many cans of worms you don’t really feel like opening, or necessarily really need to open. I don’t write worrying terribly much about the attitudes of other people, for example, so why would my physical appearance and voice be so different?

All this, I do for a person who will never speak to me again. I am still being an idiot. At least I will be a better educated idiot, I suppose.

creativity, games

Games in Development

August 29, 2017 97 Comments

OK I was just having a look at Wild West Online, which looks promising, although I will not be participating as I am too busy, and realised that I had not extensively described the ones I am actually working on. There have been significant delays with the game projects, as I had hoped to send some work to the Gambia, but as this was not possible I had to take care of all of it myself

Best Adventure Ever is the one relevant to the David Wolfe project, and will be suitable for PC, Mac, tablet or mobile. Although the visual novel is not the perfect format for the original story, I felt this was a good idea for maximum coverage since I am a noob to the games market. I have not decided on whether to attempt to make any actual money on it as all the work on the Wolfe project is intended to gain reach rather than profit.

It is the separate story of Kira and Sam Redwood, who in terms of graphics freakishly resemble Wolfe and I, in a sort of self hating kind of way, and their progress through a series of dating episodes. Sub-choices are made via consumption – what you choose to eat, drink and do moves the story along. As you can see, the graphic quality is rather nice. Without giving too much away, the game is intended to improve the knowledge and confidence of the player no matter how they feel about themselves, and so I think it is a worthy project. I don’t know why I still care about doing this for nothing, but never mind.

Mood Machine is a steampunk adventure set in London, and tracks the friendships of young people making their way in a mysterious society where people have, for a variety of reasons, disappeared or died. This one is more about psychology and how people interact with one another, and contains rather a lot of nice bits of economic history.

The two games are intended as entries into the games market with a view to creating the game I really want to make, which is a much bigger job and will also feature Wolfe. (this family thing is most inconvenient in terms of game character building, Wolfe) Although this was also intended to increase his reach, I think I will have to offer avatar selection for this game, and so I may include Icke and Robbins as possible selections and widen the games outlook. Gamers have been awaiting a decent cult builder for a long time, so I think this is a nice back scratching way of serving the market.

In terms of hold ups, I could do with some technical discussion and I need to build up some more skills to get to this third and most important game. I have the courses available, but have been significantly delayed in getting on with them, and all of this is secondary to clearing the studio, which needs to happen fairly soon. I think the first priority is to complete the visual novels and see how that goes. If it goes well, then full steam ahead with Best Guru Ever.

There is also the risk that Wolfe will object once the game is complete, since he chooses to ignore everything I am doing. I haven’t hidden any portion of what I am doing, so I suggest if he has any objections, he gets on with making them before I put all this work out.

FYI – he will not. I do not know why he considers it a good idea to ignore work that is being done. The rule in these circumstances is ‘do it until they stop you’ but it is really a waste of everyone’s time. Extremely frustrating if you are trying to make things happen and very disheartening.

creativity, health

Hanging by a thread

August 21, 2017 No Comments

Hanging by a thread

When your life falls apart, as mine did in 1995 you try very hard to find a silver lining. You grasp at straws, you pretend all the bad stuff is temporary, even when it goes on day after week after year. Your mother can be vile to you, your father can be getting sicker and sicker, your family can show how immature and stupid they are. You make the best of things as best you can, even when your idea of the world has fallen apart.

By 1998 I had given up my career in stately home catering and gone to university. This added a few extra unexpected years of youth and I did well despite working throughout my studies at a variety of horrible part-time jobs.

It was not until 2003 that things really started to unravel. When my father was resituated next to the front door I realised I had to stop going out at night, and my mother, not the most caring of people, started to really struggle. Four years of over-working, over-caring and slowly coming to the realisation that my life was effectively over ensued. There was no question of introducing new people to a situation in which I would have to explain that my family were dishonest or having children in this house.

Besides which, the house needed lengthy repairs, which had to be fitted around my jobs and paid for. I quietly got on with it. Now and again the exs would turn up and help for a while, apart from that it was a case of accepting that the education was a waste of time, since I wasn’t able to go anywhere.

My mother had a stroke a month before my father died. My best friend and my uncle followed in the next six months. Two cats died in the same period, which with my isolated life is just as bad as losing a person.

It still took until a few days ago to fully accept that my life was over. I kept looking for things to do to distract myself and pretend that not having a normal adult life was OK because I was helping other people and doing other things. I was quite literally clutching at straws for all that time.

I had busied myself with creative projects, all of which were labour intensive and not otherwise practical. I am quite good at some things, not so good at others. What has really fallen by the wayside is the sense of perspective and dumping things that just don’t work.

In the spirit of my rather extreme delusion, I decided not to deal with things I cannot change in the real world, in favour of things I might have been able to change in the virtual world. Now that this thread has also, mercifully, been cut I am left in a fairly poor state of health, realising that even the few people I have been engaging with have not really been engaging with me. I seem to have spent a lot of time pandering rather than bothering to observe whether I was being pandered to.

Any close observation of American soap operas will tell you that thin women whinge about their feelings an awful lot. Fatter women simply eat instead, enabling them to shut up and get on with whatever they are doing. It seems to me that the alternative is to take up activities which avoid people, avoid stress and in particular, avoid women altogether. If the last three months has shown me anything, it is that I was right to avoid them for all these years as their communication seems to consist of bullying each other.

So, to that end, I am now up to walking 10 miles per day. I have to sneak out during the hours that we are not under scrutiny, and I am working on felling a few trees when I am here. One of the exs tried to create boy jobs, and I told him that if he did that, I would not be able to manage anymore and to butt out.

My neighbour laughed at this at the time. She is not laughing now that her husband has dementia and is only capable of burning a few weeds. I have been offering to fit a bannister in her house for the last year, and despite visual deficiencies and having fallen down the stairs, she is refusing. These are big Georgian villas, you have to prepare well in advance if you plan to remain in them during your dotage.

Who knows if the combination of fasting, detoxing and walking excessively will produce anything apart from a very tired Ina? Does it really matter anymore? Is there any point in talking, when you know nobody is listening? Do trees make a sound when no-one is listening?

If I persist with the project I am forced to believe that I can deal with a lot of stress that I do not currently think I can deal with, otherwise I have to give up entirely. I could have lived without the last 8 years altogether. Perhaps sometimes life trades happiness for longevity and it isn’t actually worth it at all? Certainly if I factored happiness into my calculations about life, I would have decided not to bother at all, so how important is it really?

All that there is left, as far as I can see, is anger and a modicum of self-worth that I did not previously have. Maybe this is a good thing? Time will tell.

creativity, motivation

The Quest for Quality

August 14, 2017 2 Comments

The Quest for Quality

Today I am considering the matter of quality. As I have previously written, perfection is for failures and people who don’t try. Today I want to consider the matter of finding your degree of excellence and reaching for that.

If you wish, you can check out my work so far. You will notice that the work for David Wolfe is more experimental and less perfect than some of my previous work, and that the colours are fairly vibrant, depending on my mood at the time. There are also a lot of word games involved, and a fair bit of whimsy.

I now look at this work and think it is intermediate. This is no reflection on Wolfe, I was really seeking to demonstrate the time wasted on pointless emotion whilst creating something new out of this wasted time. I do not like waste. Having feelings for somebody I don’t know is a waste, therefore something had to be created. Between the books and the pieces of artwork I have spent a lot of time on Wolfe. It was something that I never thought I would actually get done, so I am kind of grateful for the misery.

You don’t get to seek quality unless you take a risk on your experiments, if you are trying out something new. Therefore in order to be a master of your new direction, you have to be prepared for lemons. I will probably sell these off at less than their value once I hit my true pitch. I will put out the Boris collection next year probably, which is rather different and more British/rural than the Wolfe stuff, and then perhaps work on some of the more advanced Wolfe pieces if I have not found a new point of interest by then. I think the Mrs Wolfe piece of work is likely to take up most of the next two years, as it involves a lot of changes of habit which really need to be permanent at this point.

In terms of my own public speaking, I have put out a lot of very raw readings on youtube, which I am not happy with. My justification for this was that I don’t have a lot of time, and the audio versions are really just to get more thumbnails of my artwork onto people’s screens. I do not think this is a good reason to put out half-assed recordings. I think I should redo the lot and start an audio channel elsewhere to make the most of the time spent.

It is really up to you what level you want to end up pitching at. As I was discussing earlier in the month, your popular online writers often expect to put out several articles a day on their chosen topic, therefore the weight of content and level of information dispensed is likely to be quite low. This is more digestible, acceptable and attracts more interest, but if you are not happy to put out pulp, you might want to consider condensing your material and drawing from it later, in the same manner that I have done with the original book. I have not really used the material, but I think I probably should as it is quite interesting work.

I wanted to be the Lalique or Tiffany of carpets, therefore I am less than halfway to my goal. I am happy with the extent of the Wolfe phase development, but I think I could take it a lot further. That is more about me than him, I could get serious but I was so ashamed of having human feelings for a long time that I kind of feared taking it further. I will see if my personal reinvention on the Mrs Wolfe project improves this somewhat. (for those not quite understanding this, I had this picture in my head of what I would have to look like to stand next to Wolfe, and I am now laughingly thinking I should shoot for it for the sake of my health, even if she is a monstrous bitch!)

I am considering attending Wolfe’s event in a niqab. This would certainly solve the smiley problem and not be at all distracting. I will see how I feel later next month. I could do with the stimulation for the sake of the game also, since I am currently relying on American reports of his events for information, and this is unlikely to be strictly true in the UK, since he is in more of the upper-middle delusion (too posh for Icke) market here.

The horrible meeting is tomorrow. I may just avoid it altogether.

Ina

creativity, health

Status Seeking

August 13, 2017 5 Comments

Status Seeking

I had a very lucid kind of dream this morning, featuring an ex-boyfriend I would rather forget.

I have had this dream before, if you are into dream interpretation, you may have some fun with this:

I am in a coffee shop in a holiday town. I decide to buy a piece of their super expensive white chocolate and raspberry cheesecake for my mother, as it is apparently the stuff of legend. Notice that I have no intention of actually having any myself, as apparently this is important to the dream. A fight breaks out in the coffee shop as the punters are aware that I have a slice of it.

I then return to my job as a chef in a large and rather industrial kitchen, where I work for a head chef that has considerably less knowledge and experience than I do. Nevertheless I am aware of feeling quite happy as I dodge the Victorian pipes and other workers in the course of doing whatever it is that I am doing there.

After a lot of exploring the staff accomodation, which appears to be a rabbit warren, I come back to work and go through the wrong door into the public area, which is in the form of a bar. My ex, who was Raymond Blanc’s head chef many moons ago, is standing teaching a small crowd of rather daft looking people how to make sandwiches. He is waving his arms around and pretending that this is very complex, and of course with a French accent, it sounds rather more technical than putting cheese and lettuce between slices of pan bread.

He sees me, stops and then tries to belittle me. I am aware that he is jealous that I am allowed in the kitchen and he is not. This relates to reality, as when we were together he was jealous that I was getting better jobs than he was on the grounds that I was a)cheaper b)more flexible c)not famous d)unlikely to stab anyone.

To me, this dream is all about status. I have actively avoided status throughout my life. I like responsibility, but I have no interest in status. I am not sure why this is? I am very keen on seeking knowledge, I am happy to work to gain even small amounts of that, but status is not of interest.

Not only has this seriously affected my income, it has been rather sad in that I spend a lot of time thinking that people are not terribly competent. Competence certainly doesn’t relate to success, as far as I can see, at least not as much as wanting status really badly.

The cheesecake issue is about quality of care. My mother has no regard for my well-being, she has actually said as much, however she literally gets the best of everything, even whilst she complains about it. I tend to think this is her idea of having fun, since her life is rather limited. The fight in the coffee shop is people who would rather she did not have this care because they arent getting any. Therefore I think this part is me worrying about aging and how my life is going to end up as a result of caring for her.

The kitchen work element is about resolving this resistance to status, and wondering if knowledge acquisition really matters at this point in my life, since nobody is interested in knowledge anymore.

Rene turning up is likely to be about becoming a greedier and more forceful person, as Rene suffered from a kind of enforced narcissism as a result of his more genuinely narcissistic mother. I actually felt quite sorry for him even as he stamped all over my life for his own gain.

I do wonder if I have been chasing Wolfe for years because of this fear of status and willingness to drown in work for the joy of doing it. If it recovers my health, so much the better but I am a rather disruptive child when I want to know something.

I am thinking that Mrs Wolfe, the fictional character that I am creating, will not be complete by October and that I would be better to complete this project and write about it rather than bother to speak to him. To hell with the original book, nobody cares about the planet or their own welfare anyway, even the people that pretend that they do.

creativity

Hounded by the fictitious Mrs Wolfe

August 10, 2017 56 Comments

Hounded by the fictitious Mrs Wolfe

She has tired me out today. She insisted on a 3 hour trip to the hairdresser, which I have never done in my life. I look very different, but I notice, because I am actually looking people in the eye, that they are viewing me more positively.

I have never considered just letting my whackiest thoughts guide what I am doing before. This is a queer sort of fun. Progress so far is a weight loss of 36lb, radical new hair and two almost nice items of clothing.

Pending radical decisions include completely changing the way I dress – I tend to wear men’s clothes. Not sure I will let her away with that one as for one thing, it is very expensive, and for another, it is over-egging the pudding to wear women’s clothing when your breasts could easily knock someone out regardless of what you wear.

Now I am to walk sixteen miles a day. I am tired just thinking about this. Two weeks ago I would have said a swift no way to that one as it would have involved intense pain. Today I am just thinking – yeah maybe next week. This week I might do five. If you don’t like it that is too bad, Mrs W.

It is probably time to start work on the next book whilst I slowly work on these games. I also have a very unpleasant meeting about my mother coming up next week. Mrs W can take care of that I think.

In the meantime I shall just have another look at this weird hair she gave me.

She does have moderately good taste, I guess, for a crazy person.

« Previous 1 … 22 23 24 25 26 … 30 Next »