Am I a covert narcissist?
I have just spent another few hours investigating narcissism, and began to wonder in the course of this if I qualified as a covert (shy) cerebral narcissist. To cut to the chase, I failed to make the grade.
Why? I failed this test Are you an undercover narcissist?
I qualify as self-centred, but I am a dismal failure as a narc.
It is a bit miraculous, given my family background. My eldest sister is an overt narcissist, my mother has some narc qualities, but is more complex. My father was strongly empath. I have at least two exs with strong markers for covert narcissism. My brother is an undiagnosed depressive (the NHS prefers to diagnose professional depressives as having ME), and my other sister is so twisted that I have not even begun to figure out what her problem is, beyond the alcohol.
So, from the perspective of someone who has, one way or another, always had to deal with at least one narcissist, it is no wonder that I am always on the look-out for the familiar.
Youtube is a hotbed of information for people who would like to qualify as the victims of narcissism. Reasons vary from actual abuse, to simply wondering why their text messages are not returned.
Whilst diagnosing your friends and family with personality disorders is always a fun way to spend the afternoon, it does not mean that you can actually do anything about it. I do not plan to bother telling any of them, since it is not something that you can do terribly much about. As my father demonstrated, the only thing you can do is avoid them if you can and keep working.
In the event that you are the victim of a narcissist and become aware of it, the best thing to do is get out of the situation, rather than assuming that you can do anything about it or force them to change. Any self-respecting narc will then simply move on to a more fruitful target, rather than making an endless tit of themselves completing any creative or pop-academic projects. (as I have been doing)
One day, I will be free of this situation and will probably live in penury in a cottage in the middle of nowhere. I will then struggle to feed my cats and keep a car on the road in the course of putting some work out. In the meantime, whilst I have access to the university library, I am going to complete the next two big books – both of which require actual research – whilst I finish the Best Ever project.
I have, in the meantime, been getting used to the idea of people looking at me, so I have made a stack of youtube videos, which thankfully few people are watching. This should desensitize me to the extreme intolerance to people which I seem to have acquired over the last five years or so. I did not always cringe quite so much, but then I did not always form irrational attachments to people in public. (see previous posts)
I am trying to think how to improve my presentation skills, which I will work on further later on in my rebuild project, as I am still very unhappy about my looks at the moment. I think it is a case of making a bad video, and then remaking it until it looks better.
As the ‘victim’ of narc abuse since I was about three, I would agree that it can affect your health and self-image, but if it is your family you do not have the option of crumbling and running for help. You basically grow up knowing that something is wrong.
The head narc in my family used this to indicate that something was wrong with me. She is still doing it. The only thing I have been able to do to counteract this is cut my siblings out of my life entirely, since the delusion is so deeply engrained (it was also encouraged by my mother) that there is just no point in even trying to discuss it with anybody.
The point I am trying to make is – you don’t need to choose to be a ‘victim’ of a narcissist. You can choose to accept that you are dealing with an entirely unreasonable and irrational individual who hates you and lies about it. Then you can take appropriate action to preserve yourself and any available loved ones as necessary. I have been saying for many years that if I had any sense I would have got as far away from these people as possible. If I had done so, there would be nothing left for them to fight about, including no mother and no money.
What does alarm me, is that I have chosen at least one best friend and two boyfriends who were narcs with added violence. This indicates that I have to select on a more deliberate basis than mere attraction as I am likely to make poor choices. I have also shown some narc tendencies, as I have seen this afternoon. Led by example, I presume, although unlike the narcs in my life I am entirely capable of being reasonable. I can also assure you that there is nothing wrong with my empathy or ability to form intimate relationships. I am no angel, but as far as listening to problems is concerned, if anything I have wasted far too much time and energy on it, to the point of taking years to figure out I am being played for a sucker by yet another covert narc!
To conclude, don’t get hysterical about selfish people who throw tantrums and turn the conversation back to something that went wrong long before they met you. They aren’t all actually monsters. Sometimes the histrionics can be extremely entertaining. It is all in your attitude. If you cannot handle it, you are probably best to just leave.