It is very difficult, if you happen to be me, to know your own worth.

I get bored very quickly if I am tolerably good at stuff, and I am a knowledge nut – one of the main problems with the last job was that it was not really possible to get the knowledge you felt relevant because it was more of a rule based system that had little in the way of depth.

I am hearing that the people who are still there are being told not to worry about the endless new errors.

Anyway this week I have bigger interviews with bigger people.  Last weeks interviews were with small people for small things.  They haven’t got back to me yet.

Only one interview with a male, and I think that is the only one I have a hope of getting to be honest, as he appreciated my straightforward method of communication.  Having spent most of my time with men over the years I am not sufficiently interested in whether people like me as a rule. Anyway, the dude was all about the work, which I like, and I quite fancy organising teams across major venues, so hopefully I have secured a couple of weeks at least.

The other one was with a call centre that I see from their reviews has an atrocious management system.  That should be helpful, not.  I am now considering whether I should distill the art of management into a book, since nobody seems to know what it is anymore.

The 20 year old that had been sent to interview me was quivering and barking at the same time, asking me questions more appropriate for a school leaver.  She then tried to tell me that in order to tell me whether I had this terrible job she would have to ‘wash up’ and ‘brush up.’

This was clearly management speak for this place.  I also noted that they had squashed an HR department of 20 people into a room I would not keep a cat in, it was so small.

I look forward to my new business cards arriving so that I may go back to my own kind, in my more pleasant idea of surroundings.  We shall see if I can make some space for me to operate effectively, since apparently nobody can read or interpret with any art at all.

I found a fascinating programme provided by adzuna to measure your worth in terms of salary. I did this because I realised that I was pitching too low, on one hand, and did not, because of the ongoing problems with shrunken booze brains, have any opportunity of earning what I’m actually worth.  It turned out that the figure I had guesstimated for my patchwork life was exactly correct, and I am getting slightly better results in terms of return from jobs paying slightly better.

I really need two jobs.  I haven’t stopped trying to make this happen since my mother was killed.  I am taking the view that I need to make Ina, or something along these lines my second job and not worry about stupid people any more.

I miss my mother.  She would have said something sarcastic and yet encouraging at this point. Why are people so fucking stupid?

Hilariously, one of my former colleagues, if you could call them that, patiently mansplained that Staring Brat 1 was 35 last night.

This was because he had no clue what age I am.

I am sure this is very flattering, however Staring Brat 1 went to the trouble of inventing a reason for needing our dates of birth shortly after we started in order to find this information.  He knew perfectly well I was considerably older than him.

He then mansplained that SB2 was thin and small.  Yeah, he was when I made the comment about his being beautiful, he then became less beautiful by the day as he got bigger and bigger.  Evidently he hadn’t noticed the growth spurt during my time there.  The last time I saw SB2, which was about ten days ago, he was almost as big as SB1.  He achieved this in about 8 weeks.  What on earth was the point in losing all that weight if all he was going to do was turn into a giant brute?

Twisty has suggested that this is his idea of being a man.  He can keep it, along with his idea of being married.  Not having to deal with bullshit like this is just heavenly.

It is great having somebody with less experience and less interest in work mansplaining or worse, actively trying to damage your life.  If only these people could experience it. As they fumble in the dark at home I am sure they imagine that they are in control by making a complete twat of themselves.

I actively avoided complaining about Staring Brat 1, because I could see how hopeless he was.  This was a mistake.  My friend is right, when these things happen you should go for the jugular every time.

I, however, chose to work with men for years.  I found that the less gender tension I tolerated from them, the fewer stupid problems I had to deal with, so I am a generous and tolerant leader as a rule. Nobody is humiliated, nobody gets to humiliate anybody else.  Simples.

Unfortunately, these people have not either been trained, done any reading, or gained any experience.  For some reason this means they get hundreds of pounds a day and I get fired for a reason they simply invented for ‘good and fun entertainment,’ because they were unhappy at home, a bit inadequate, and a big bit stupid.

Staring Brat 2 was a different matter.  A whole lot of separate problems, starting with the ‘seriousness – beautiful’ comment which was entirely out of my hands.  I have not previously made such a comment.  I think the only previous episode which even remotely resembles it was 22 years ago, and that spoilt boy got three whole months of my attention.

Anyway, none of that helps now. I am still considered unemployable by neds, and only the snob value jobs seem to be taking much of an interest.  A hotel which charges £400 a night would like to talk to me this week.  I am wary of this level of exclusivity.

I have started another three projects now, on the basis of building an income later.  This looks like a whole lot of intense work, but if it frees me up to return to the plan it will be helpful.  I cannot be bothered with all these delays.  I want life to be now, not whilst I am having to make endless contingency plans.

I am hugely comforted by the fact that all three of the people who decided to entertain themselves by causing me problems when my mother had just been killed by similarly stupid people will have miserable, boring and bitter little lives, followed by a painful old age and will probably be murdered in a hospital somewhere eventually.

That doesn’t pay my bills, however, and it doesn’t make what they did to me go away.

I finally had an idea I can live with in terms of scale and profitability, so I am rolling with it, although it is not compatible with Ina, and it is not compatible with my medium term objectives.

It is likely to mushroom, but that doesn’t matter at the moment.  What matters is that I am distracted from the disaster that was the last job, and the sadness that nothing nice ever seems to happen.

I was so happy that I had finally done something spontaneous without overthinking it, and then it turns out Mr Ripley is not very nice and also married to someone who is also not very nice.

The mercy is that it seems to be impossible for people to hide it.  My sister couldn’t hide it, the relevant exs couldn’t hide it. SB1 and 2 couldn’t hide it.  The lack of introspection is incredible.

However, it has to be said that a decade of being in love with Wolfe was not reasonable either, although it was a lot safer.  I am glad that he wasn’t waiting for me to grow out of the miseries, because he would have been waiting a long time.

For my sins, I now have sixty blog entries and as many short articles to write now, preferably before Wednesday or so, as things are likely to take another different direction then.

Believe it or not, I actually miss the spark of life from SB2.  I seem to like complicated people, even if they are objectionable, which means it is probably better if I get a dog and stay away from them.

The new plans involve networking with an entirely different set of people, who are likely to find me considerably less of a mental stretch than the last couple of lots did.

If the niche works, however, it may negate the need to go back to work at all, so I had better get busy before the sewing mood strikes.

I would like to meet a grown up male that actually gives a shit about me please, if that could be arranged. Nothing too startling, just somebody to talk to that isn’t vile.

My friend and I went out tonight.  I wanted to scope a restaurant I was interested in managing, so we went to find out what it was like.  It didn’t smell all that great, and the comedy, whilst not awful, was not good enough for me to want to spend a lot of time there.

I wonder if the city centre is dying.  I have wandered around a lot over the last few weeks, and it never seems to be as busy as it used to be.  The ten o’clock curfew on sitting outside seems ridiculous in a country where we can only sit outside in the evening for two months of the year.

Imagine my horror when the manager referred to in the previous posts comes speeding past me on the pavement.  I am quite astonished at the lack of shame.

I cannot imagine what little you would have to have in the way of humanity to deliberately participate in terrorising a grieving woman because a team leader you didn’t even like (SB1MV)  wanted to bonk her and didn’t know any other way of going about it.

I cannot imagine why you would then lie to her about the cause (SB2) and lie to SB2 about my termination.  He told him I had been laid off, apparently.

I cannot imagine then thinking that you would do anything other than avoid the person whose name you were destroying rather than presume to share a pavement with her.

I do not  have the level of spiteful bile these people have, so I do not understand it.  Nor do I understand why someone purporting to be a friend would wait to see what happened rather than telling me upfront what was going on.

I am honestly astonished at the level of pain this has caused.

It isn’t going away. I am tired of people like this.  There are so many of them.  Mean-spirited, stupid, spiteful little shits who don’t deserve anything.

Google is such a slave driver, I was going to starve the five or six personality disordered individuals who like to stare at this website for a few days, but it is important to Google that I do my 300 plus per day, so I best keep doing it.

As far as I can observe we have:

One woman with NPD, histrionic tendencies

One male with SPD and incurable feelings of inadequacy

One male with CPTSD who is unhappy in his marriage

One male with CNPD

One female with co-dependency issues and poor self esteem

All of whom look at the blog hoping to see some misfortune.

The only two readers I really depend on, and to be honest write for most of the time are not included with this motley crew.  I have great affection for both of them.

I have wasted probably years on wondering why people are the way they are.  I remember giving myself second degree burns with an unwise combination of deep heat and a hot water bottle once, so miserable was I about irrational behaviour.

There is nothing you can do about other people’s irrational behaviour.  What you can do instead is speed up your personal reaction time.

By this I mean ignore it faster.

I used to say that everyone ought to have their own front door.  I do not necessarily mean a literal door.  I mean you have to develop a well-guarded core of serenity that nobody can touch in order to survive other people.

This in itself will then be attacked, so you need to practice positive avoidance.  I think one of the few people who has been allowed to see me in bits has been Wolfe, because I felt very close to him even when we didn’t really know each other, and I knew that I had a bit of extra leeway with him than most people.

It seems that a lot of disordered individuals respond to this apparent serenity with an assault.  I believe the reason for this is deep self-loathing.  They want you to be as crap as they are, so they try to create situations to see if they can pull that off.

Trying to tell them that there is an alternative to this is usually pointless.  They will respond with a financial justification for being shitty, or some superficial judgement that they took on without thinking about it.  It is then up to you whether you want to fight your ground or simply avoid them as being pretty crap substandard people.

I have had far more than my fair share of this kind of behaviour.  Despite this, I have continued to maintain my morality (and turned down the bribes thereof)  and have done the right thing by as many people as have needed it.  You don’t tend to get any thanks for it, in fact other unfortunate people have said to me that I should instead think about myself.

It seems that attempts at nobility and protecting others is out of fashion.  Perhaps the world is too crowded for this now.  Perhaps one should just let the malcontents win and get as nasty as they are.

I am still somewhat worried about the girl in the office.  I saw her the other day, however and she looked pretty carniverous, so perhaps I am worried about nothing.  In any case, she still has a job and her position with SB2 is ambiguous.  This time, for once, I plan to leave well alone.  I am sure the pending investigation will sort things out.

I am so sorry I am unable to steam in and help at the moment, but as you can appreciate things are pretty red hot here.

I am sure if you take a cursory look at my feed, you will see where the problem is.

DO NOT let Rees-Mogg lead the party, this is not going to work out well.  Even Davis would be better if you don’t fancy it.

Some motivational speechifying would be helpful.  See if you can find some opportunities for some nice soundbites.

Best of luck, my lovely poppet.  I hope to see you as soon as I can.  I may be in touch via Rachel if all goes well with one of my old contacts this month. I just need to seduce a lovely Earl. No biggie.

Ina

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