Ina Disguise health repair protocol (fat and miserable)

Ina’s health repair protocol

Today’s post is written from the perspective of someone who knew they had a problem with their diet at 9 years old, was told I was talking rubbish and was first identified as potentially depressive at the same age by my family GP, who was also trained in homeopathy and who was a great loss when he retired in 1987.

In reality, my sadness is usually rational, as such is not really depression. Depression is irrational sadness. When I am sad, I usually have a good reason for it, even if it does go on for rather a long time. I use it in my work, so it is not necessarily a bad thing, apart from being kind of time consuming.

The bad part of this is that I do not think about myself very much, would do almost anything to avoid it, and end up in a state of self-neglect from time to time. This time, as previously outlined, I was taking care of my disabled and very elderly mother 24 hours a day, was-broken-hearted over some dude I have never even met being a bit shitty, when an ex-boyfriend turned up, ostensibly thinking he was cheering me up by saying “hey, I’m dying, I love eating, cook for me.”

This of course gave me an excuse to completely ignore myself, try not to think about the appalling man I was in love with, and look after my ex-boyfriend’s needs rather than mine. Any excuse to ignore myself, since there was no point in applying my relentless optimism to actually solving the problem of Wolfe not wanting to talk to me.

Anyway, for depressed and overweight people everywhere, here is my self repair protocol – gathered from years of losing the same 150lb over and over again as a result of similar situations and not caring about myself very much. You are not helpless, and you are worth it, especially if you don’t actually want to die of ignoring yourself.

1. Elbow unpleasant people out of the way. Notice I do not say negative people, as I regard them as useful. I mean unpleasant people, who pour scorn on what you are doing or think they know what you need better than you do. Don’t just sit and watch them – get rid of them. If you are unable to do this for any reason, watch their behaviour carefully and do not tell them what you are doing. Do not, at this point, take up exercise as people will notice and you will put undue pressure on yourself. I will tell you when this is appropriate later in the post.

2. Before you do anything in terms of diet and exercise, start taking at least two probiotics and start cutting carbs and stimulants out of your diet. That means no sugar, flour, potatoes, rice, starchy vegetables, fruit (except berries) tea and coffee. Do this until you do not feel you are missing out on anything. (may take months, depending on how radical you are finding this so far) Get a really good mineral water if you can afford it, or failing that make sure you have a lot of ice, as ice is quite luxurious and makes you feel a bit more spoilt. Invest in some bicarbonate of soda, some apple cider vinegar and some lemon, as you will be making a drink out of it in the morning once you feel you are ready. At this point you are on a low-carb diet and are giving up stimulants. Again, it may take a month or two for you to get used to it if you haven’t done it before, but you are training yourself for life, so take your time.

3. Start increasing the vegetables in your diet to ten per day, including berries. Use the bicarb, lemon and apple cider vinegar in the morning to make a small shot sized drink. Research herbal alternatives to solve your inevitable health problems and try to drink 3-4 litres of water per day. Drinking at least 1.5 litres before you eat in the morning is very good for you and cuts your appetite considerably, especially as it takes over an hour (it does me anyway.) Don’t completely rule out meat and fish as yet, as long as you are still eating this you can get through your life without anybody noticing, so make sure you are feeling well enough to make firm decisions in the face of opposition before you start reducing those. If you have got to this point, you should be feeling well enough to start cutting out dairy products. Once you have managed that, move on to step 4.

4. If you have made it this far, you ought to be feeling a lot better, especially if you have focused on green leafy vegetables. Your research should have shown you several highly nutritious alternative superfoods to a conventional diet. if you want to purchase these you will find they actually work out cheaper and healthier than your normal diet. You should be gradually investing in possible remedies throughout this process, as you probably have a lot of gut problems and irritating health niggles to sort out. Investigate candida albicans, for example, if your health issues include brain fog and yeast infections. There are many ways of pinpointing what your issues are – my most recent favourite is Dr Berg’s quiz, which is very helpful for identifying adrenal or lymphatic issues. Go check this out. If you are feeling well enough, sneak out for a short walk a couple of times a day to help your system function at a better speed than it has been doing. You may wish to stop here if this is all you wanted to do or have no further weight problem.

5. If you still have a weight problem, once you have got your nutrition sorted out, you will no longer want to eat unfeasible amounts of crap food. In fact you may feel well enough to fast for a while. Personally, I am not a fan of doing this for more than five days, as the last thing I need is to slow my metabolism. Miraculously, even after spending a considerable portion of my life dieting, I have no issues of this kind so can still manage to shift a lot of weight relatively quickly. Intersperse periods of fasting with periods of intensive nutrition so that your body gets the best possible chance of resolving its issues. Green leafy vegetables, again, are very important so that you do not damage your fatty liver. Annoyingly, non alcoholic fatty liver disease is actually acquired via dieting, not overeating, and the only way of reversing or avoiding it is to consume a lot of bitter greens, so tune into making very nice green smoothies sweetened with stevia. Personally, I am a fan of mineralising with raw chocolate to make my bitter smoothie taste good, and a great deal of ginger in case any of my other problems have decided to form a tumour again.

6. Repeat and continue for as long as necessary. If you want to give up meat and fish altogether, do so as you are better off without it. Remember that fats are always better for you than sugar, and your brain loves ketosis rather than a conventional diet, so particularly if you have depressive periods, stick to this plan. Increase your exercise and taking time for yourself until you are at a sustainable level. Do not forget how bad you used to feel before you did it, and pamper yourself by doing something nice for yourself at least once per week, regardless of what anybody else says or does.

Enjoy your new appearance and improved self-confidence.

I have an alternative protocol for people who have been starved by a hospital or are otherwise nutritionally depleted, hence the title of this post.

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Change is sometimes sad


Well, in my quest to improve myself, I booked myself into the hairdresser only to find that I had no time to actually go, so my radical change of hair has to wait until Thursday.  I am in the middle of applying for some transcription work, and I realised that I not only don’t have time for that, I don’t even want to do it anymore.  I will probably have to do it, since I applied and do not want problems finding work in the future.  This is the fourth time this has happened, so I am really out of practice at taking tedious jobs just to pay the bills.

It is not that I am not motivated.  I just feel that there is very little time left to do what I want to do, and I should not be spending that time typing when I should be busy growing.  A little extra money, and the cap taken off my savings, would be extremely helpful at this point.  It also resolves the issue of Ina actually selling anything, since I would already be self-employed.  I am not quite sure why I am so averse to promoting myself at present.  Perhaps I have quality issues with my work?  If this is the case, I had better snap out of it because time is a-wasting.

I think it is the idea that I am doing this because there was something wrong with me in the first place, and I am not at all sure that there was.  Not in terms of work anyway.  My health was awful, my situation continues to be awful, otherwise I was a relatively happy, cynical and studious individual.  Now I feel kind of cast aside, with my efforts to change things becoming harder and more futile by the day.

Everything designed to benefit my mother seems to be based on the premise that she cannot get any better, which does not help.  I have actually stopped energising her in the form of massage in the last week because she just seems to want to sleep all the time, which is very sad and probably not good for her health.  I have been pestered before on the basis that improving her health is somehow abusing her – this was when I was still doing mental exercises with her to maintain her brain – and I have found the last couple of months similar in that other people’s expectations of her are so low that she is grinding to a halt.

Still too stressed to sew, so I cannot finish the carpet that I was making for the Boris collection, and I am wary of doing any work on the furniture until things calm down. There is still a legal battle to fight so everything feels very much up in the air.

Wrote to the organiser of the David Wolfe event to ascertain if Wolfe is likely to become furious if I were to turn up.  No answer as yet, but I am expecting a no, do not come to the event.  Referred to myself as author/artist and felt a complete fraud.  I wanted to do other things before all this started.  Now it seems out of reach and very far away.

Have taken 5 inches off my waist so far, we shall see if this improvement continues. It is perhaps because this was started because of undervalue that I feel such a lack of confidence in my decisions.


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The Best Romance Ever explained


I have been asked for an explanation of Best Romance Ever, as it breaks every rule of the romance genre. Here are the rules of romance, from Elizabeth Grayson, although you will find I have broken every rule of every romance ever.

1) the readers care about the characters.
2) the readers identify with the heroine.
3) the readers fall in love with the hero.
4) the readers believe that the hero and heroine are convincingly united at the end of the book.

  1.  I don’t think either Sam or Kira are particularly appealing characters.  One writer that had a look at Best Scandal Ever found the fact that Kira was fat and had a lot of boyfriends unbelievable due to her own weird hangups.  They are interesting, but not particularly heart wrenching people.  Another early comment was that referring to Sam as a womanizer was an insult.  I replied at the time that it was descriptive.  Sam is not a bad person at all, he just likes women, preferably briefly.
  2. See above.  Kira is a weirdo, who would rather hide in her house than attempt to disengage with her feelings.  She uses them elsewhere as impetus to do other things.
  3. Sam is not the sort of guy that anybody sensible would fall in love with.  His entire life is devoted to avoiding such encumbrances.  The only reason he nearly achieves romance is to improve his status.
  4. Sam and Kira do not end up together at the end of the book. Quite the reverse. It is a comedy of manners, in which their respective nationalities plays a huge role.  Kira is shy and completing a project, regardless of money or status, whilst Sam is very keen to be seen as very successful.  This gives you a further insight into their characters, and is a development on Best Scandal Ever, which posits Sam as a business genius, whilst Kira is a faintly evil academic/artist who doesn’t care about people, money, or anything much apart from Sam, whom she wants nothing to do with.

So, although the principle of romance is there, there is no actual romance.  All it establishes is a link between the characters, in the form of his turning up at the music festival when he is upset about the failure to sustain his romance with the famous actress.  In terms of the series, it makes perfect sense, but in terms of the rules of romance, it is entirely rule breaking.

Nevertheless, men have particularly enjoyed the book, as it explains a lot about women.  That nagging old fuck standing in your kitchen loves you very much, in fact, she is just busy maintaining your preferred level of boring old life.  Love is not necessarily about flowers and pretty things.  Sometimes it is about being extremely tough and withholding affection for wider reasons.

Some men, Sam included, misunderstand this as being stuck in a rut, or hen-pecked.  So, for the more intelligent male reader it gives a measure of insight into why you would still be madly in love after thirty years, yet having a relatively grim day to day life.  Best Romance Ever is my attempt to capture why your relationship unit may look shaky, but actually be performing extremely well.

There is a measure of almost autistic denial about Kira.  She has little to no self-confidence, but I have forced her into situations where she copes remarkably well.  She is horrified by her feelings about Sam, and yet flogs her dead horse persistently throughout the books.  This in itself is more romantic than the average romance, since she has no expectations at all and does not forsee anything good or positive coming out of her feelings.

Sam, on the other hand, is blissfully unaware, and even if he was aware, would choose to ignore it, or brand Kira as insane.

Best Adventure Ever, the game in production at the moment, expands on this.  Players selecting Sam as their character will get a very different experience, expressed through food choices and choices of date, than players selecting Kira and her choices of date.  The romantic element between them is still there, however this piece of work is created around them rather than about them.  It is really a piece about the quality of your relationships, how your looks impact/do not impact on your life experience, and how happy you end up as a result.  It is also a comment about men and women generally, since Sam and Kira exemplify the ‘inny/outy’ nature of genitalia itself.

Finally, the pieces of work relating to Sam and Kira are about people who despise convention.  The one thing that Sam and Kira share is that they have no real interest in conformity.  If I ever put them together, I am sure their adventures together would be just as interesting, because of their opposing perception of the world around them.

I would argue that the Best Romance Ever is as the title suggests because there is no concluding ‘happy ever after.’  The Best Romance Ever, is a period of endless negotiation, therefore it is infinite.


Still free at this location – The Best Romance Ever


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Appearance is everything

Appearance is everything

As regular readers will know, I have had a hard time over the last couple of months, with complete strangers entering our home to tell me how I should live according to them.

At one point, one of these worthies even asked me if I left the door open when I went out, such was my perceived level of stupidity. It was intensely annoying. It is amazing how your dishevelled appearance leads strangers to believe they can say whatever they like to you. I was reading a rather emphatic article about this last night. It doesn’t matter how hard you work, smaller breasted and thinner women are always perceived as more competent than you. Personally, I was a psychotic over-worker, so it did not affect me as long as I managed to get the job in the first place.

This is probably not over yet, so as I am doing a bit of an overhaul anyway, Mrs Wolfe has again reared her slightly better looking head.

Normally, since I looked after dad, then mum, on occasion my friend, it does not matter what I look like. Nobody is looking and I have no sense of time or capacity for looking in the mirror. I would rather think about anything else than what I am doing, as what I am doing is rather tedious. As a result, it is often months before I even notice that I have a problem.

Supermix also makes you rather lazy, since you know you have something that will have you looking and feeling significantly better within about four days.

Anyway, since my friend was potentially dying and liked eating, it made sense to indulge him, especially given the risks involved in not indulging him. Oddly, during times when he was not staying with us, I found myself reverting to raw within a few days, so evidently I preferred it. I still ended up very large and looking very ill after three years.

For anyone considering doing a raw diet plan, the positive effects last a lot longer than you would think. You do not look ill for months because your raw or rawish diet is still hanging around. After this, however, you can expect to age about ten years in addition to the unpleasant smell and decline in your performance. (waking up is not at all the same for cooked food eaters, for example)

I am happy to say that my unachievable weight loss is proceeding well so far, I am looking a lot better today. I will have to watch out for my liver, however, so it looks like green smoothies will have to replace any ideas about water fasting for the moment.

The curls have fallen out of my hair in the last couple of years. I am not sure why this is, I have tried tweaking my diet, but still I can no longer simply rub my hair and expect it to look ok. This is extremely tiresome, since I will now have to actually think about it rather than staggering through life without having to worry.

My clothing is mostly covered in resin and glue, especially since I started work on the furniture collection. I am not going to bother replacing it, since I do not know how big I will be in ten weeks. As I have gone through so many rapid changes in appearance over the years, I have a lot of clothes in a lot of different sizes. It was rather telling that I started buying the biggest size in the shop fairly quickly after the Wolfe drama. It had not been quite as obvious before.

Actually attempting to speak to Wolfe in October would be a logistical nightmare. I would have to get employed carers in for three days, a housesitter, and I would have to notify the people who have involved themselves with our life, none of which I am happy to do. I will have to revisit the idea in a month or so, as I see how things are going. In the meantime, I am recreating the character that rescued my mother seven years ago in an effort to avoid future regret. There is literally no point in my doing this unless I look bursting with health as I will stick out in that crowd like a sore twinlike thumb.

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David Wolfe’s Uk dates 2017

Oct 7: David Wolfe Full Day Masterclass – The Best Ever You Birmingham

So, in the spirit of punishing myself further by attempting to reverse my current health problem in nine weeks, I sought thinspiration by taking a look at the material for Wolfe’s event in Birmingham – if you are seriously obsessed, you can get near his greatness for £90.

I thought about doing this briefly, and then decided that the sight of me giggling and ranting into my notebook might put him off.  We can’t have that. I nearly went to see him in California a couple of years ago, but decided that Marrakech was a better idea. Given the blockings and the reputation for turning people away because they aren’t smiley enough, not to mention the actual fans that have emailed me over the years, I thought better of it.

Then I took a look at the pictures of the audience, which appears to consist of well-built young men who go to the gym, and slightly dry looking hippy chicks that are a little bit too serious looking for the context. They are wonderful looking fans though, but this ain’t my bag.

No, I thought, this is not for me at all.  I look a whole lot more like Wolfe than they do, and I know where the funny bits are. Leave him to his harem and his glory, and stay well out of it.

It is not fun at all, hating what he does for a living.  I need to get out more and find someone who doesn’t have quite such an extensive line of misquotes-by-meme.

So, another year passes, I still feel the same way, and I still don’t want to go anywhere near him, particularly not in a crowd scene.  I can do the whole public face thing, I just don’t feel it is appropriate or necessary. This was just a random emotional aberration, it doesn’t need to define my actions.

It is as my mother says, never try to have something you cannot stand losing.  She is right, you are far better off with things/people that are not precious.

In any case, it is unlikely that the game will be out in the next ten weeks or so, as I will be doing other things.  I would rather make that point, even though he will probably reject it on principle.  For someone who has so much to say about mean-spiritedness, I can tell you that from my perspective, he takes the crown for it.

I am still looking pretty dreadful, not sure how long it will take for that to calm down, but am feeling significantly better when walking or moving.  Why can’t the NHS manage to spot these things?  I have gone through years of shit with my health, and the parameters that they work with apparently don’t allow for spotting things on a prevention of disaster basis?

Anyway, it is time to do something different, whilst I work on my ailing health on the pretense that I feel remotely positive or optimistic about finally seeing my beloved in person.

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Mindfulness, animals and pithy memes

Another mindfulness day, another pithy meme and another animal video. Mindfulness seems to have replaced schemes like ‘the secret’ for people in the motivation market.

Looking through my timeline, I am drawn to the conclusion that ‘mindfulness’ is ‘success technology’ for people who have given up hope and are suffering from anxiety and depression.

So, I wonder, does this mean that I could actually draw a correlation between trends in motivation and the state of the American economy?  The idea that everyone who isn’t making money is an unemployed millionaire in the making seems to be fading somewhat in favour of navel gazing.

I can only see this as a good thing for America.  The days of Ayn Rand taking the piss out of American culture with her stinging Soviet backlash are really quite far behind us now.  When I look at motivational material now compared to then, with the aforementioned (previous posts on public speaking) respect for speakers having been replaced by a kind of grazing mentality.

Basically, the message is, you cannot do anything about external forces, so quiet your wandering mind and just be.  Frankly, fuck that.  You don’t achieve anything by taking that attitude. I may be a creature of extremes, but I always have something to achieve, big or small. If people actually discussed taking action in relation to the external forces rather than sat around being mindful, we would get on a lot faster. Even I spend too much time watching animals, reviewing memes and generally wasting time on living in the moment.

At this moment I am addressing my apparently dodgy liver.  My friend, who seems to be on a permanent binge as he is dying, has gone now, and so I am safe to return to my healthier eating habits.  It was very interesting that in the course of his gaining 14lb, I gained ten times as much eating much the same thing, so I can now say with confidence that eating normal food just causes me to continuously gain weight.  I have lost the same 150lb about eight times now, so I am at least happy that I can safely ignore all the areas of the supermarket I was ignoring seven years ago.

I have employed the strategy of pretending that I am going to see Wolfe in October, for the sake of an initial goal.  I have no actual intention of doing it, but I am using it as a pleasant thought. (I am of course aware that I would not enjoy or get anything out of it as he would probably have me thrown out, going by past experience)  This unrealistic and rather empty goal is working wonders on my liver however, some of the symptoms were calming down just doing that.

Maybe that is my version of being mindful.  Rather than living in and experiencing/wallowing in the moment, I am escaping to somewhere I regard as more interesting.  The internet seems to be hidden behind a wall of mindful bullshit.  I much preferred the days of Dale Carnegie.  Life was much simpler and more innocent then.




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Taking stock

Taking Stock

I have a pile of stuff to complete before I can start any more, which is cramping my style somewhat.

It strikes me, as I optimise the blog, that I spend a lot of time crediting Wolfe for stuff that is really nothing to do with him. I have kind of dumped anything good about myself on someone who hasn’t even been particularly pleasant. I wonder why I am doing that?

Have I really got to the point where I cannot even acknowledge myself anymore? Has everything that has happened taken me to the point where I am not safe to achieve anything? If this is the case, I really need to address it.

Over the years prior to my apparent obsession with giving things to somebody equally obsessed with taking from elsewhere, I tried to give presents to many people. Most of the time, my mother told me that I was being crazy by wanting to give anything to anyone. She used to hang her head in shame, as if giving people presents was some sort of mental aberration. The rest of my life was perfectly normal, i just liked making weird gifts for passing strangers.

I always felt this was particularly odd for a religious person. Surely the whole point of religion is to make you nicer to other people, I thought? No, apparently it is just to make you feel shame.

Any residual trace of shame was eradicated in the course of my silent war with Wolfe. It is not that I think he is wrong – quite the contrary – he has given far more, to far more people than I ever could. I am his complete opposite however. I apparently believe that giving always involves expense to me, whereas he has found a way of making it work for him.

I have been optimising the website today, as a prelude to it being recrawled, then I will take a look at Adsense to make it pay for itself and hopefully promote itself elsewhere. I do not know how many people will be interested in looking at a lot of weird objects, but if I am making them, and nobody is accepting my gifts, then they might as well be shown off.

Likewise, I should be concentrating on making Ina write for money elsewhere, rather than bothering with more tedious jobs to pay for more materials whilst I take care of my mother. I have good ideas about these things, and then fall into a horrified pit where I talk myself out of doing anything remotely progressive.

Sometimes it would be nice just to have some encouragement. Despite some compliments, and some terrible advice, I have had no encouragement at all with the Ina Disguise project, primarily because of its association with Wolfe to start off with. My friends seemed to think it was exclusively about him. When a tree develops a branch or two, you do not immediately assume that it needs a reason, now do you?

Anyway, there are now 230 odd posts on this site. Most of them can be optimised, and I will complete this in the next couple of days before starting work on updating the youtube channel. I need to rethink the whole thing.

To begin with, it was a revelation to me that I could just throw work out there and people would enjoy it anyway. I am more interested in academic writing, and word vomit was not my previous MO. Word vomit, however, is what people actually read. A very popular Yank blogger was talking at me about writing 6000 words in 3 hours the other day. His quality must be shit, I reasoned, until I mentioned it to my friend, who said that yes, word vomit is what people want. The internet must be bursting at the seams with it.

Anyway, enough rebellion for one day. I should have been respected and able to give presents if I wanted to. Ina would not exist if I had just been able to do that. Why would that be difficult for anyone to understand?

Many thanks to the follower of Osho for the photo that accompanies today’s rant.

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What would Mrs Wolfe do? (shocking)

What would Mrs Wolfe do? (shocking)


Google analytics has indicated that I am not quite as dead as I thought since I connected it.  I am still stuggling a bit with isolating the blog.  It is a slightly different format to the rest of the site, but still, I have readers so yay!

Today I am going to tell you a story which shocked my closest friends.  The are all male, which I suspect is why they were shocked by this, but I think given my degree of social isolation it is not a particularly surprising story.

Back when I first ‘met’ Wolfe – I use the term very loosely since we merely exchanged a few words on a website – I was being hounded by my family because they wanted to take my mother’s money.  they did not like that I had done well in any of my careers, they did not like us remaining in our beloved home, and they wanted ‘their’ money.

Fortunately, my father had warned me before his own period of dementia that they would do something along these lines.  Evidently he was aware what a grasping and selfish bunch of no-hopers he had brought into the world with my mother.  He was very clear – it is her money – do not let them take it from her.

So, as I was restoring our house, I stuck to the programme.  My siblings are too stupid to know how much of ‘their’ money they would have lost had I chosen to walk away at any time.  As a result of their lack of help, my life has not been my own since 2003, when my father was brought downstairs due to his illness.  Explaining this to them is pointless, as they simply reject the information.

Anyway, I got through the worst period of my life without telling anybody anything, thanks to Wolfe.  The shame of having these people as relatives has meant that I do not want to bring anybody new into this situation, my friends have dropped by at times and helped, otherwise I have at times been awake for several weeks ensuring that my mother is well looked after.  My imaginary friend has been very helpful, although in person he actually just briefly messed about, realised he was out of his depth and ran ten miles to get away from me.

The climax of this horrible state of affairs was seven years ago, during the time we actually communicated briefly.  The social work department got involved, saw an opportunity to seize my mother and her property, and used my spiteful siblings to try to take everything, even as I was pulling the rubble out of the house and restoring it.

So, since I was shaking like a leaf 24 hours a day, vomiting and weeping constantly with stress, I had to take on social services and my family in battle to protect my mother from the same horrible death that was inflicted on my father in 2007. Within two days of being taken, my father was drugged and a testing team was brought in to tell us he could not eat.  Having seen their actual reports, what they really said was that my father was not awake, and could not be tested.  Hence, despite my fighting them, my father was starved to death for the sake of the convenience of the NHS.  I tried to remove him, and was told that I could not.

Back to seven years ago, and I wiped the floor with both my family and social services.  How did I do this, despite the trauma and the horror of what my family had grown into?

I asked myself “What would Mrs Wolfe do?”

Now, for the shocked males – this is a normal part of the female psyche – within hours of dating or even noticing you, we are looking at our clothing and deciding what you would rather we wear.  It is very annoying, and a part of our female selves that we do not like or even acknowledge very much, but for somebody like me, who is habitually scruffy, it is very noticeable and rather annoying..  It is a basic part of nesting instinct – we want to make the theoretical nest as pleasant as possible.  At least women do not do things like rubbing their vaginal fluid on the furniture any more  (yes, this was a thing many decades ago)

Mrs Wolfe is quite assertive, compared to me.  She doesn’t take any shit from anybody, she sees through problems in much the same way I do, and she presents a rational and forceful presence, particularly when she is being attacked.  She dresses better, walks straighter, and elbows some room for herself when she needs to.  In short, she is a much improved version of me.  I am inclined to sit and watch the drama before bulldozing it.  Mrs Wolfe does not wait for the drama before telling you exactly what is going to happen and then implementing it.

Being in love – and I do mean in love, as opposed to being a fan – Wolfe would have been very well aware at that time that I was not a fan – with/of a famous person is not fun.  You question everything.  Since I have never entertained poster boys in the past, it was particularly odd for me.  There are many, many things that I do not like about the history of Wolfe, just to make things even more confusing.  As I walked the hundreds of kilometres to regain my health, I pondered this, and many other things, including the probability of my actually doing anything with my useless emotion.  To make things worse, Wolfe swithers between over-intense interest in you and blocking you, which means you are also in love with someone who blows hot and cold even more than you do, if you happen to be me. The first thing you do is stop looking or listening to them, because you fear madness.

So, in putting my heart in the unlikeliest safe place in the world, I was beautifully distracted from the horror of discovering that my superficially respectable family were actually the worst people I had ever met in my life.  I have frequently had cause to laugh at what Wolfe himself would actually do to them in the event he was presented with a similar situation.  It is the weirdest version of saying ‘My hero’ ever.

Anyway, having taken a step back from all this and looked at it again over the years.  I am now at a suitable distance from it to say it was the healthiest flight of fancy ever.  Rather than have a breakdown, run away from my family and see my mother die at the hands of the NHS and social work department, and rather than seeing my own health destroyed, I survived thanks to delusion.

The problem was in the years following, when I wondered how I could let go of the idea that I really should be more like Mrs Wolfe.  Mr Wolfe does not like or want to talk to me, and so letting go is something I should have done a long time ago.  I hate crowds, I hate the whole idea of the USA, and I don’t particularly relish travelling as much as I used to.  Wolfe, in short, is the worst candidate for a partner ever.

And yet, here we are seven years later, and I am still thinking of Wolfe.  Perhaps it is an internal rebellion to a situation that I am stuck in.  My siblings are all retired now.  There is still no question of them giving up so much as a night out for my mother, and I have not only spent a great deal on maintaining her ailing health, but my youth and life are pretty much finished doing it.

Having said this, given that trying not to be in love with Wolfe seems to make me ill, perhaps I should just stay in this safe but pointless bubble.  There are worse delusions than finding the person that completes you, however unlikely he happens to be.


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Twitter netiquette and the power of delusion

I am not all that fascinated by having large numbers of followers – I appreciate that it is important if you want to be successful but I do not think I am in that kind of market. I also find it hard to care much about crap memes and bullshit clickbait, so most of my fake followbacks are muted.

I got a message today requesting that I take a photo showing that I had switched on notifications so that a 17 year old ‘could follow me back’ – as far as I know he followed me so this was some sort of threat – anyone who uses twitter for any length of time surely knows to use unfollower tools, which are themselves faster than taking pics of notifications, so I am not sure how this policy is going to work out for him?

Am I exceptionally lucky to have been young before the internet, so that this crap just doesn’t matter? This dude has 13.5k followers, and has apparently deluded himself into thinking that this makes him important.

Speaking of delusion, I finally got around to linking up the new(ish) website to google analytics today. I keep delaying things if anybody or anything needs looking after, because apparently I prefer to over-compensate for my perfectly normal personality by doing things for other people. Ina has died a horrible death as a result, and I am not sure if she can be revived. Perhaps things will improve once I complete the games. The tenth laptop of the last year has just died, so I am investing in two this time to proceed with that. (long story, but I cannot sew next to my mother anymore, so I am kind of irate with the world. From 50k unique visitors last year, Ina is getting barely 12 visitors a month according to google.

I also looked up Wolfe’s itinerary for the year, and I see that October is the last time I am likely to be able to afford to go and pay my dubious respects for the next three years. I am too huge to do this, even if I could leave my mother for 24 hours, however even the thought that I might has caused me to drop 2lb per day for the last four days.

Rather than dwelling on how crazy this seems, I am astonished that stress really does make you that fat. When my friend was still around, I was not losing weight at all, and I am not doing anything different at present. I look younger, the weight is suddenly plummeting, and apart from the persistent lump in my chest, presumably anxiety since my mother is still at risk, I feel a lot less like dying.

This tendency to put things off in favour of other people will be familiar to a considerable number of people with a weight problem. Abusing somebody for being fat, then, effectively makes them fatter as they become progressively less important and more likely to hide from the world. Eating badly then follows because who is looking and who cares?

So, remember – social media is not real life, nobody’s opinion matters and you should not take care of everybody else at the expense of yourself. If you aren’t there, your caring for others means nothing.

I will not be going to see Wolfe, despite it being probably the last time that there is a point in even trying to see Wolfe, because my experience tells me that I will be very disappointed and probably ignored. I may play with the idea for the sake of losing a large and rapid amount of weight, but I will never be thin enough or whatever-it-is-he-thinks-he-wants enough for it to be worthwhile.

So, another chapter in the epic saga of Wolfe Ina Disguise closes without an ending. That is far better than achieving closure, when it is so self-defeating and ultimately miserable. Besides, he makes me crazy within 30 seconds of starting the pitch. A dab of me in there would be sooooooo much better. Just a thin one though.

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USA versus UK healthcare – eat shit and die

USA versus UK healthcare – eat shit and die

I played backgammon with a friend from Tel Aviv in NYC, then had a very drunken night out with the nephew of Wallis Simpson, before touring Pennsylvania with a gang of bikers, finishing with a very drunken week of secret gambling in South Carolina a few years back.  I was just as shy then, I just played a lot of backgammon.

The bikers wanted to know how I liked America, wouldn’t I want to live there?

“Definitely could not live in a country where people die from lack of healthcare because they are poor.” was my response.  I was as surprised as they were.

It is amazing how many Americans are indoctrinated into the idea that nothing bad will ever happen to them, if you are poor it is your own fault, and everybody else’s comparatively civilised system of public healthcare is daylight robbery.  It beggars belief at times, the lengths they will go to to justify a clearly rotten system.

So, from the perspective of a lady who failed to complete writing a very comprehensive book for Wolfe a few years back – here is how the system works, and I believe Wolfe may actually agree with me, for a change:

The USA is set up on the principle that money tops anything.  People are not very important compared to dollars.  Hence we see a government with a full complement of lobbyists who hand out money to dictate public policy. ie.  Coconut oil bad, because it is produced elsewhere, vegetable oil good, because it is produced in America, even though twenty minutes of research would tell you the opposite is the case.

This nurturing of corporations worked for a few decades, but companies are so large now that the system has entirely broken down.  It was not until I saw the Eli Lilly/Walmart deal to supply cut-price, reduced quality diabetes medication for the victims of the American diet, that I realised quite how rotten it had become. ie.  you shop at Walmart for food, buy your frosted flakes and your doughnuts etc.  Then, when you discover that your shitty diet has given you diabetes, you simply go back to Walmart to pick up your meds.  Win-win, as long as you happen to be a corporation rather than a person.

In the UK, we have a parallel copycat system where we have doctors who are paid by major food companies to sit on the Board of Nutrition – Hannah Sutter’s book Big, fat lies is a nice short introduction to how this works.  Again, you are given shitty nutrition advice so that large food companies can continue to sell you food.

The difference in the UK, is that the public pays for this corporate domination of judgements that we are told are gospel.  The so-called obesity crisis has also been invoked to attract yet more funding to the NHS.  If you had complained to your doctor that you were fat in the nineties, they would have told you to go raffle yourself, but now you have a wealth of useless advice to ensure that you spend your life worrying, or dieting, or both between enjoying your increasingly large portions of standard British fare, approved by corporate interests on the Board of Nutrition.

Of course, in America this situation is amplified by the fact that there are more middle men with interests in the eat shit/get sick/ die market.  Large insurance companies also want to ensure that private medicine stays private.  Providers want to make money by providing lots and lots of care etc etc. In short, no interest in served in America by your being healthy. Therefore, let us have McDonalds provide school lunches to get the ball rolling. Go forth and get nice and sick.

The public interest in the UK would be served far better if people were actually healthy, so we see a relatively small quango style operation shyly asking us to maybe, sometime manage five portions of fruit and vegetables a day.  However, the large number of medical staff would prefer to see money endlessly pumped into the NHS, so even the five a day message is pretty quiet.  I had quite an argument with a senior pathologist several years ago.  He wanted more money for doctors.  My response was that what we really needed was better health.

So, from a British perspective, we are copying a corrupt and mad system for the benefit of some food companies and a few thousand doctors, at the expense of public health.  Nobody gives a shit about this.  Nobody cares about nutritional research, nobody cares about the numbers of people becoming ill.  All they care about is more money to pay more staff ad infinitum.

So, stemming from this, we have this idea that science is good, nature is bad.  If a man in a white coat said it was so, therefore it must be so.  I have news for you, that man in a white suit was paid by a drug company to say so, just like the people telling you what to eat are paid by the food industry.  An eminent professor of nutrition from an American university was once asked what we should really be eating.  She readily admitted that she did not have a clue.

The WHO recommends 9-15 portions of fruit and vegetables every day, not five.  Statistics suggest that the benefits tail off after 7, but you can see from this that reading the newspaper does not cut it when it comes to staying healthy.  You really have to put the work in yourself.  Trusting in your government’s idea of what is good is not likely to provide you with a winning formula.

In terms of the harshness of the American healthcare system, Americans are fucked over in numerous ways, especially if shock, horror anything bad happens to them.  These people who scream about personal responsibility and not paying for other people’s healthcare clearly have no social conscience, and they will defend this to the death if you bother to engage them in conversation.  God forbid they should have a child with an expensive health issue.  God forbid they should realise that other people deserve to live, even if they disagree with them.  I am sure it makes perfect sense for a militarist country, but in terms of common decency it represents a very peculiar degree of poverty of spirit.

In the UK, meanwhile, we are looking at greed and stupidity.  Nobody genuinely cares about your health when they are handing out this incorrect advice that they have accepted from the USA.  As a peachy example of this, John Yudkin’s Pure, white and deadly, a book which identified sugar as being a source of heart disease, was ignored in favour of Ancell Key’s study showing that saturated fat was the culprit.  The noisy Yank must be correct, we were told, because we were processing about half of the world’s sugar at the time to flatten the prices and benefit our colonies.

So, now that you know this, please accept two things:

You are not important to capitalism.  You are a unit, and you are entirely expendable as long as someone else is in work and someone else is taking the money.

You are being lied to.  Every day, to maintain a system that will fail you throughout your life.


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