What if the only thing holding you back was you?

 

What if the reason you were frightened of the world was not because of persistent bullying?

What if you didn’t worry about that person who stopped you winning a competition, getting the job you wanted, marrying the person you wanted?

What if your failure to achieve promotion was not because somebody else was better than you are, but because you did not seem mentally prepared for responsibility?

What if your life was exactly the way you intended?

What if you just dropped all that bullshit, forgot about the bad things and just concentrated on getting what you wanted?  If one thing does not work out, you shoot for another and hope for change in the interim.

I used to laugh at Wolfe for suggesting that a diet was a big factor in societal failure, although I did agree with his comments about political constipation, which has contributed quite a lot to the No Glass Walls project.  I just did not understand at the time, although I took him up on his suggestion of consuming wheatgrass to see how different I felt after two weeks, and I have to say he was absolutely right.

At the moment, I can see exactly who is on this website.  I can see how often they visit, where they are in the world, and what pages they look at.  I can see what equipment they are using and what browser they prefer.  This is very helpful in ensuring that I know whether my projects are successful.  Intelligence is key in any surveillance operation.

Who am I watching and why?  Not whom you would think at all.  They are both welcome to come and go as and when they please. No, I am interested in the audience, not the participants.

One of my exs, a particularly annoying Yank called Alan, used to tell me that what he feared most was having nowhere to go.  He now lives about two streets away and has refused to befriend me on the grounds that he is living with someone.  His loss, frankly, my other exs can manage to grow out of that one.

My schtick is having something to do.  As long as I have a long list of things to do, I am a happy bunny regardless of goal.  I think this is a good place to start, although rewards are also nice from time to time.

I should work on the reward part really, as the activity without reward is often quite expensive.  Otherwise, it is probably better to gain satisfaction from smaller goals if you aren’t necessarily ready for the big ones.

Your challenge for tonight is to figure out what you actually wanted from your life, and to go and do that rather than wring your hands and blame other people for your inadequacy. You can waste your entire life worrying about stuff that really doesn’t get you anywhere.

 

 

 

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Welcome to the world Ina

Hello,

 

The following recipe is one that I took years to develop, and I know from experience that people sometimes don’t bother trying it, but it does seem to work so it is worth a try.

The powder mixture contains a lot of anti inflammatory, mood enhancing, mineral rich superfoods and herbs from all over the world. Nothing in it is toxic or dangerous unless you were to take an astonishingly large quantity of it. I live on it. When I don’t live on it I get very ill, and it seemed to work for my mother also.

If you are asked about it, just tell them it is a health drink as I can tell you from experience that explaining that it is a complete food then allows them to verbally attack you. It is very tiresome, but people are stupid and lazy.

My mother had stopped eating and was close to death when I put her on it, and it helped her, so please at least try it for three weeks and see if you see a similar improvement.

If you need any help or additional advice the easiest and probably quickest way to find me is betterpersonproject@gmail.com I hate phones.

Supermix for building up very ill people

Here is the herb and superfood mix. The basic principle is that you remove anything causing inflammation or your body having to do any work, and replace it with something that promotes healing. Nothing in this mixture should affect existing medication.

The only objection possible from a medical person is that it would improve blood quality, hence you cannot theoretically use it with blood thinners because of the other fruit and vegetables in the drink.

Every second day you can try an almost normal meal or two, provided it contains no rice, bread, sugar, potato, pasta, noodles or cow’s/goat’s milk, butter or cream. Eg a curry or casserole is fine, but the accompaniments are not if they are starchy or sugary filler items..

To make the drink

Take a large dessertspoon or two heaped teaspoons of the powder mixture

At least half a jar of honey to taste – my mother was managing about half a jar a day. No sugar!

At least two avocados

Up to a can of coconut milk or cream

Two tablespoons of coconut oil

5-10 portions of fruit, depending on what your person likes – pineapple should not be used alone, because pineapple is quite medicinal in taste on its own and difficult to make mild, but apart from that any fruit. I found my mother to be very fond of berry flavour, and this is helpful for the brain. You can get it cheapest in the freezer section of the supermarket with the smoothie stuff.

Dates are great but not every day due to the high potassium content if your patient has a questionable heart.

At least 4 chewable vitamin C tablets- this is optional, but I found the more the better – if you OD on vitamin C you have runny poo so you do know when to stop and it isn’t otherwise toxic.

A large bunch of coriander

If this mixture is too thick, add unsweetened almond or coconut milk from the supermarket (you can get it anywhere now)

Put all of this in a blender or food processor and blend it thoroughly

You should end up with something that looks and tastes like a thick milkshake. It is extremely easy to consume and gives your body something to work with that isn’t making it work too hard at digesting it. Trying it thicker like a pudding and thinner like a drink also makes it more fun for the person who has to consume it, and you want them to take as much of it as possible.

My mother was managing 1-3 litres of this every day through a straw. Every two to three days she was able to manage a full meal of something like a 3 egg omelette with smoked salmon, black pudding or fish but otherwise she pretty much lived on this and got better rather than worse.

It lasts for about two days and then you have to make a fresh one so do not be tempted to make more of it than you need. Just make sure he gets as much of it as possible.

Let me know how it goes. If you find it is working I will make a more affordable and specific recipe so that you can make it up yourself. It is not cheap, but it seems to work wonders at getting the body to repair itself.

My version is extremely comprehensive and costs about £3k a year for two people to live on, but I am an extremist, so I can make you up a recipe for a more affordable version if necessary. You will probably find a lot of the ingredients familiar as I have used ingredients and remedies from all over the world, including India, Pakistan, the Middle East, China, South America, Russia etc. I experimented a lot on myself and my mother, so I now have some idea on what works and what doesn’t, which should save you a lot of time and money.

Otherwise the key to post-stroke seems to be making everyday activity into an exercise programme. I found doing things like making boiled eggs to improve my mother’s dexterity when she tried to eat them and daily massage to improve physical communication extremely helpful. Colour therapy, in the form of producing bright and changing objects for her to look at also seemed to keep her motivated and happy.

 

This is what happens if you happen to indicate that your father is unwell and you bump into me.  In addition I managed to simultaneously shock (when he discovered that I must be quite ancient) and bore (by my intense fixation on health) a nice young man that took a mild fancy to me.

I seem to be an oddly huge character with quiet but off the wall tendencies these days.

 

Love,

 

Ina

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Ina Disguise Q and A 2

I haven’t done one of these for a while, but today is your lucky day.  I am quite irritated with various things, so I will answer some questions.

 

Dear Ina, do you have no respect for the sanctity of marriage?  You seem to have a thing for married men?

I have every respect for the sanctity of marriage. Had I known that Wolfe was married, I would have not wasted any time or energy on the emotional work required to get where I am.  I did not know in 2009/10, the information was not apparent in any of my research, and only found out on my birthday this year.

I was under the impression that I was instead creating a medium for explaining the philosophy of love in a fictional context, to a person that I am emotionally similar and yet opposite to. This is just a massive random coincidence that I took several months to figure out whilst giggling at videos, which I listened to whilst doing my previous work.  That work successfully appeased Patrick McGoohan during the last part of his life, when some Americans tried to ruin his beautiful piece of work, The Prisoner.  The Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing Project flowed pretty much immediately from that, although it took a long time to get to release.

I do not see why I should feel shame about somebody else’s business, or my feelings, which are perfectly normal, if somewhat hard work.  I will say however, that in both cases, my muses are entitled to a bit of emotional freedom, and Ina is a great way of providing that without harming anybody.  Creativity takes many forms and mine apparently focuses on giving away affection where it is not particularly needed or wanted in exchange for the creation of stuff and my own self-development.

 

Do you hate Scotland now?

 

No, I do not hate Scotland.  There are several aspects of Scottish culture that I have always been nauseated by and this is particularly raw at the moment due to the murder of my mother.  People are very stupid.  That is why we are not independent.

I also particularly objected to the attitude of the SNP that if we believe in independence we should prevent England brexiting if it so chose.  Brexit is not an ideal choice short term, but it has benefits which include an underhand way of reviving manufacturing and benefitting the people that the Conservatives have been ignoring.  For this, I think it is a good thing, and as I have said, Britain 2200 looks a lot better out of Europe than in.

Independence is a separate issue and I do not have any faith that the 55 percent that prevented independence the last time are any less stupid now.

 

Are you a closet racist?

 

Nope, any one of my friends will tell you that I am absolutely not a racist, in fact I am a namby pamby foreigner lover who respects arbitrary bits of religious nonsense and tries hard to learn quickly so as not to cause offence with things they would object to.

I do not however, agree with the SNP that Scotland would benefit from an unlimited stream of people using Scottish resources and I do not want the entire country covered in blocks of badly built flats to house them. Nor do I see any problem with residents of Govanhill wondering why after tolerating endless alcohol, homeless and drug hostels, they now have to tolerate gangs, muggings and human trafficking.

A bit more industrialisation would be nice to make sure Scotland can cope financially, but we have a beautiful country, largely thanks to the class system, and it would be nice to keep it that way.

You may think this is an odd thing to say but I am sorry to say it is absolutely true.

 

Do you hate Nicola Sturgeon?

 

Nicola Sturgeon is the best person for the job, however I do not hang on her every word because I don’t think I have to, apparently unlike the rest of the indy movement.  It looks pretty unhealthy from where I’m sitting, but if it gets you there, that’s fine with me.  I won’t be any more sociable than I am at present.

Both Nicola and Alex are probably the most technically proficient politicians of their generation.  They do not need or want any help from me and it would benefit the party somewhat if MPs did a whole lot more learning from them in terms of technique.

I am still of the opinion that some rhetoric and dialectic training would benefit the party enormously when operating in Westminster.

 

Aren’t you a Tory now?

 

No, I am just interested in politics generally, and I appreciate others who are the same.  Take from that what you like.

 

What are your plans for this year?

 

Releasing a shoe and smaller accessory collection, finishing the games, writing Lucifer Ogilvie and working on the national project with my version of Boris Johnson.  The real one is kind of busy on his half of the project, which is independent of mine. Losing the rest of this weight.  Feeling good enough to resurrect the original book once the game plan is even clearer.  Avoiding stupid virtue signallers.  Doing some marketing and coding courses, and some financial work to make sure I can survive without having to deal with any actual relationships.

 

Shouldn’t you just find a man?

 

No, because I am too busy, and if I were to be in a relationship, nothing would get done because whoever it was would be covered in blisters and scratches.  I am not interested in getting to know any more people that want to waste my time.  I do have to rest sometimes to plan the next stage in order to get all this completed before I am dead.  Women live longer without them anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A boring post about health

Having been down the road of extreme weight loss several times – when I say extreme, I mean losing half your bodyweight or more – it gets better and less stressful with practise.

I now know, for example, to go with the flow – sometimes you are on a roll and easily able to shift 50lb or more without a break, and sometimes you need to sort of ‘let it settle’ and let your skin and posture catch up for a while.

My back problems, which were partially caused by my urgent need to shift a lot of weight and use of corsetting to avoid the need for core exercises, as getting out was more important, have been greatly eased, but not completely removed, by the rehearsals.  Messing with flags and walking a lot is very good exercise for a bad back.

If I was sensible I would go full-hippy and take up yoga again.  I have done in the past but alas I am more motivated by competing with myself, so I am better suited to other things.  I am just not cool enough for yoga for more than ten minutes before I would rather be doing something else, unfortunately.

So, having settled after shifting the first 70lb, it is now time to shift some more.

Interestingly, I have now found a healthy weight scale that actually takes my huge bone structure into account, and it turns out the weight I would bonk myself at is actually my healthiest weight, so I have habitually lost too much in the past, which is probably why being at an allegedly healthy weight is a painful and miserable experience.

At 98lb, which I have been for two periods in the past, I had to run at fairly high intensity for about four hours per day and eat every two days.  I thought I looked good, but I used to be referred to as ‘three melons on a stick’ by surprisingly thin people, so I guess I was a bit of a freak.  At one point, at the top end of the allegedly healthy weight for my height, a doctor who had never previously met me told me with some horror that I needed to eat more and to stop doing whatever I was doing.  This was at 120lb or so, so it made no sense to me at the time.  When will they stop criticizing and start saying I am doing something right, I thought?

It turns out from the new scale that I located that the correct weight is more like 160-170lb, which is way heavier than most women of my height, but is because I am supposed to be a sturdy little person that can throw other people around the room and have a very good quantity of lean body mass.  This comes as something of a relief and makes actually being healthy a more approachable idea.  I wonder how many other people out there, punishing themselves over not being good enough, have had their lives devastated by anxiety because nobody is using the right tools in the first place?

The NHS, in my early life when I was actually miserable about it, rejected obesity as being a problem and I was basically told that I was big and not to worry about it.  After they decided that it was useful for getting funding and more surgeons and departments, it suddenly became an epidemic in the early 2000s. I have worked in several equally wasteful departments of the NHS.  They aren’t even particularly helpful, because they choose to reject preventative medicine and use a low denomination approach which is helpful to very few people in reality.

So, it looks as if a six month deadline on reaching a reasonable weight, which is actually heavier than I was when my sisters were braying disgusting verbal abuse during my childhood, is workable, and this has cheered me up immensely.  My current campaign of ignoring everybody and doing whatever I feel like doing regardless is most helpful.  So much so, that I think it should be the first thing every person with a weight problem deals with.

As I have said before in previous posts on obesity:  Start from the perspective that you are fine, then look at your relationships and see who is eroding your confidence to the point that hiding and putting something in your mouth to shut yourself up is the only option.  Once you have got rid of them, life gets a lot easier and more pleasant.  It is their problem.  Don’t make it yours anymore.  The likelihood is that you have been listening to somebody else’s hang ups and beating yourself up with it.  Stop that.

 

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The Politics of Fear

Adam Curtis did a very good piece on this some years ago.

Theresa May is preparing the British public for some extremely harsh policies, which alongside the imminent sell off of the NHS and other public services, which will make several Tories very rich, means that the ‘Lilliput government’ project that I mentioned in Introducing Lucifer Ogilvie is well underway.

By far the fastest and best way of avoiding this scenario is removing Theresa May and Phillip Hammond.

I think Jeremy Corbyn has made a shrewd move on the subject of Russia, and some unexpectedly statesmanlike statements have actually reached the public?  Was Conservative PR central taking a day off?  How did his statements even reach the public?

Making the UK as hysterical as the USA will work on approximately the same proportion of the population that hate everyone that is not English and spend their time on social media ranting and raving about Marxism as if it is some sort of heinous monster.  They aren’t very bright and they don’t like anybody.  Whilst my mother was being murdered in hospital for the crime of being elderly and disabled, I had one of these thick Tory voters ranting and raving at me at work about ‘the amount of money being spent on the disabled in the UK.  They should all be working.’

These people are stupid, they aren’t very productive and they hate everyone. I have three of them in my own family.  The idea of them being flexible or adapting to change makes them laugh, and they never ever work more than one job because of their massively inflated sense of entitlement.  Why would the Tories seek to encourage such people?  Because hatred fuels disagreement, which in turns enables a weak government to push through policies to punish one group at a time until nobody has anything left.  Because by and large, these people are led by their equally unpleasant peers and employers to vote Tory.

No political theory deserves to be elevated to this level.  Marx himself would be horrified that his drunken ramblings with his friends caused the amount of death it has caused.  Marx used to drink with an anarchist and a fascist.  That in itself ought to tell you what Boris has tried to tell you on many occasions that I have witnessed, and I am far from an avid TV viewer, and what I am telling you now.  Politics is a debate, it is not a religion and if you want to change something, you have to speak up.

I doubt very much that Russia is sufficiently interested in anything the UK or USA is doing to bother with childish and rash attacks on its own former spies.  It is the equivalent of using a cosh where a rapier would be neater and more efficient.  Nerve gas is also a very stupid way of killing somebody.  I would say that this event has actually reduced my faith in our current leaders rather than increasing it.

I do not want to live in Theresa May’s branded paradise of poverty, thank you.  No confidence!

 

 

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Glass Walls ETA

Thank you, Wolfe, that cheered me up.

Right for the exs that are still viewing the blog, I expect you to view this

You don’t have to be quite this fit, but certainly doing some dancing would be helpful as I do not want anyone to die inside the Boris costume, and if they do I need to replace them.

I will be looking around for a few people of the same build, as the filming is likely to be short notice and quite scatty, and I do not want anyone to make themselves ill.

Boris is at the £5000 sex doll for a frustrated female Labour MP stage, but I would rather get him to the £10000 sex doll for a Tory MP stage, so I reckon between that and an awkward financial situation which means I am going to be impoverished for six weeks before the end of the tunnel, so to speak, we are looking at launching at the end of April.

Those lips should be made illegal, or something.  It is not until you are gently sculpting somebody’s face that you notice these things.  Supermodels would kill to have lips like Boris.  I reckon I would probably recognise him blind now, so many times have I gone over his face.

Almost at the stage of inserting the eyebrows and then I will have to do his hair, but even bald it is definitely him now.

Apart from that, having a few issues with textile tension issues.  Flags are not meant to be used like this.

So ETA on parliament, providing things go well, is July/August. I am off for a day or two before the mega workload hits, so I will get the paperwork underway.

Will need to get you through the next general election too, so I envisage this taking up a few months between finishing the games, the books and getting back to my beautiful book for Wolfe.

And no, this does not mean I am now a rampant Conservative, or that I no longer believe in independence.  This is about supporting a visionary who unusually, actually has a clue about history and politics.

 

Ina

 

 

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He’s mad with me again

What I did this time is a mystery, but he is mad with me again.

I always know. It could just be that he is no longer in Peru, and is more interested in whereever he currently happens to be.

It no longer bothers me all that much, because we’ve done the same thing for so long.

And then you wonder why I would currently prefer to have imaginary fun with imaginary Boris?  Much more entertaining than imaginary ‘wondering how one competes with however many alternatives are presently on offer.’ If you don’t like it, tough tittie.  I like considering ways of preventing the death of hundreds of thousands of disabled people. So there!

Fun has been in short supply for quite a while.  Out of choice mainly, but the perversity of seriousness confronted with this scenario still makes me laugh out loud to this day.

Anyway, let me take this opportunity to hate on pro-life Christian gun-loving Trump voters.

Let’s make everybody miserable and poor, and when they turn up at the door shoot them in the head in the name of Jesus.

Nuff said.

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The Key to Happiness

From observation and experience, the key to happiness is the opposite to the key to achievement.

Achievement carries unhappiness with it, since you never actually get to the point of contentment. One thing kind of goes with the other.

Contentment, in turn, carries decay, because once you assume that you are good enough, you no longer achieve.

So then, I think we can assume that the key to happiness is to seek contentment and decay, rather than achievement.

Satiety is the enemy of achievement, because satiety makes us content and it makes us stupid as a result.

My mother once said that I would never be rich, because the minute I am good at something, I stop doing it and find something else that I want to be good at.  In this way I am always growing, but I am never at the point of contentment.  This is very good for your brain, but it is not good for happiness, contentment or decay.

Hence, rather than ‘young people keeping you young’ it is rather that your drive and discontent keeps you young, because it keeps you driven.

I wake up every morning weeping.  I go to sleep every night weeping.  I despair of the things I have had to compromise, and continue to compromise because of the things I am yet to achieve.

I do not even do this because I want something out of it, but because of what I would like to have seen come out of it.

In the meantime I spend my time on ephemera, because the ephemera contributes more tasks to the list, which will contribute to the finished whole.

You could look on this as time-wasting, or you could look on it as sideways growth in an effort to distract myself from the fact I am forgoing children or happiness because I am too stupid and too stubborn to give up.

Giving up has been the most sensible option for a very long time.  It is so depressing that it makes me physically ill, so I can’t do it.

I think before my mother died, I felt that my focus was in a safe space because there was no outlet for my emotional self anyway.  Now I think I need to take the brakes off.

You cannot stop, however, in the middle of a war to think sweet thoughts.  This piece of work is a war on all sorts of levels, and it isn’t even my war.

I didn’t think it possible to be so besotted that you literally cannot see straight.  I think it is probably unusual in the modern age.  I am happy, however, to be one of the few people to have experienced it, even if it is personally damaging, futile and very averse to happiness.

 

Ina

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The Joy of Variety

A charming young man just sent me a lovely picture of himself naked.

I am sure he is very nice, and I think he is probably Iranian, which usually means wildly attractive if you happen to be me, but I felt as a conversational opener, this was not the greatest.

I remember Craig David sending out a picture himself after several years spent on Muscle Beach.  Oily and grumpy was not a great look either.

I do see that American women on my facebook list like to express great delight at this idea of men as objects, but it doesn’t actually work.  All it does is say that you are kind of boring, obsessed with the mirror and likely to be out at the gym a lot, which is no fun at all.

Far better to look relaxed, happy and as if you are likely to be good fun.  I think we as women also underestimate the power of happiness, and succumb to mutual bullying in terms of conforming to an entirely artificial idea of perfection that does not actually exist.  I remember Cindy Crawford saying this when asked how she felt about being so perfect in the 90s.  “Nobody really looks like Cindy Crawford.” I always rather like women like  Valeria and Cindy when they admit that it just doesn’t exist, and the closest that you get to it involves being utterly miserable.

The only time I manage to eat correctly is when I am alone.  Even one other person renders me so stressed that I eat socially, which means anything at all as even once a day is too much now, and means that I stay the same size.  This size is not acceptable to me, and in addition I am too polite about not sticking to my goals.  I need to either stop seeing other people, or start getting a whole lot more selfish.

Whilst I am working, I am building the shoe collection currently, and working on costume 2.  Boris is also getting done during the breaks as the layers are built up over days.  It feels very slow, although I doubt it could go any faster.

For the benefit of other people who do not get the benefit of sleep, I can confirm that beauty sleep is definitely a thing.  I am now finding that I get pronounced pain if I fall behind, which dissipates with 12 hour marathon sleeps once a week.  I am having to shut the cat out to achieve this, as she is very keen to get on with her cat day.

I see the American Conservatives are celebrating Food Stamps being replaced by boxes of shit from corporations that produce terrible food and have lobbied successfully to poison the poor with it.

I don’t like having to pay for other people’s children to get educated, so perhaps we should just extend our mean-spirited hatred of other people to include that.  Yay! Poison the Poor!  Kill the children!  More stupid people!  Yay!!!

 

 

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Endless waiting and a bit of objectification

It is 4.30am and I have just finished work, so I am somewhat tired.

The event was held at the art school, and from my non-experience I can tell you getting artists to organise events is probably a bad idea. Endless waiting with no results.

From the limited number of people I managed to meet, I ascertained that even at my shyest, I am socially advanced in comparison with many artists, which I guess bodes well for the people facing side of things. If only I could talk myself out of eating, I would be a happier bunny.

On the plus side, my campaign of arm waving whilst on my walks is working well, to the point that I actually managed to scare a more timid passer by this evening without worrying about it.  Good, frankly.

Boris is currently a little fleshier than I would like, but I am sure once I have started on the fine detail, the features will work out well.  Those lips are still not right though, I am fussing a little over them and the skin tone at the moment.

I think I shall concentrate on the paperwork this week, which means we may actually get to do some filming once this week of binge working is complete.

So, objectification.  I realise that most people will assume that I am about to start talking about bottoms.  I am not in the slightest bit interested in bottoms.  At the age when I was supposed to be checking bottoms I was interested in the small of the back, and the elbow.  Now I am more interested in the unwitting information that you get from somebody’s appearance.  I always preferred some evidence of character.  Now I find I am reaching the age where other people are manipulating this source of information, their methods have become more fascinating to me than the end result.

From a personal perspective as Ina, we are dealing with two main protagonists now, so let us have a brief run down, since they are both characters you can easily make yourself familiar with.  I am doing this as a personal exercise in my thought process, as well providing some insight into what constitutes ‘thinking woman’s crumpet.’

Crazy about him for 20 percent of my life now, despite his presence in my head mainly consisting of extreme annoyance
Deceptively sweet despite choosing a career expressing a willingness to accept cruelty to others.

As you can see, I appreciate a chap that talks a lot, which probably means that I am a lazy communicator.  I also like a bit of bite, which I have inherited from my mother, who dumped one ex because he said yes too often.  Confidence is something that I associate with a devil-may-care approach, rather than people who are more uptight.  There is nothing worse than crying over a broken nail.  I appear to attract men who do this, probably because of my love of a snappy dresser which oddly sits next to my evident deep respect for not giving a toss what anybody thinks of you.  I am usually extremely scruffy, but now and again I pull out some glamour and shock everybody.  As you can probably tell from this, I am very happy and indeed revel in being a peahen most of the time.

Both of them have had very strong yet difficult father figures.  Fathers seem to be immensely important to me.  My own was secretive, quiet and yet an incredibly strong person who preferred to avoid worthless interaction.  I seem to have adopted many of his characteristics, and so left to my own devices I seem to attract people who missed theirs somewhat.  For this reason I have in the past ended up in all sorts of trouble due to people who did not realise that they were extremely angry with theirs.  I am a kind of stress doll for daddy issues in the real world, so there are pointers that I am seeking out with both characters here.

Fame – I used to despise the love of it, and was never into poster boys.  The reason this has become an issue is because I surprised myself by identifying quite so strongly with Wolfe.  (for those readers who wonder why I always refer to him by his surname, it is in reference to my real name, not an indication of contempt)  It took a lot of thinking through it before I accepted it as being anything other than an aberration, and when I did I took it as an indication of a personal defect rather than embracing it.  I cannot tell you how much thought it has taken to simply roll with it.  I used to be an extremely private and cynical person who plotted ways of progressing without anyone knowing about it.  Wolfe has inadvertently taught me that this is futile, uninspiring and rather dull.  Whilst my progress is kind of patchy, it is consistent, so I am rather pleased that I did not do the most obvious and reject it out of hand, which would have led to more self-hatred and destructive behaviour long term.

I have noticed from the work that I have done so far, that I am a lot gentler with Boris than I am with Wolfe.  I am not sure if this is a purely sexual difference, or whether I am responding to perceived need.  I am quite reactive, so it is possible that I am picking up on very tiny cues here. I’m also very used to male emotion, so there could be minuscule and subtle reasons for this. I could not bring myself to even consider things from a sexual perspective for several years, I was so terrified of Wolfe emotionally, so I wonder if passion makes one more aggressive without being aware of it. Even looking at a picture of him was impossible for several years, until I made the icon from memory and wanted to make sure I had got it right.  Looking in the mirror was also a problem, since I do not really need to see Wolfe to see Wolfe.

It could also be that I do not find Conservative politics as challenging as I do the philosophical task ahead for Wolfe, so I see the work for Boris as being comparatively lightweight.  I do realise that if you do not see things as I do, this will sound astonishing, but I will demonstrate this in the fullness of time as the project progresses. Running the UK is actually a significantly smaller job than the breadth of coverage required for the epic tasklist that is involved in dealing with Wolfe’s points to the extent that they achieve the stature I am shooting for.

Finally, I think in both cases they are vastly improved versions of the generation before, which is unusual.  Whether either of them are aware of it or not, they continue to achieve on a massive scale.  As a lady who has always taken relationships, real or virtual as a challenge, this is a worthy rocket to stick up my ass, thereby getting the best out of me.  Surely that is a worthwhile way of wasting your time?

 

 

 

 

 

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