So, I was chatting with my Eastern European friend about the haram bawbag story, and she asked whether we should have tried having sex.

I don’t think that would have helped one bit.

Besides which, it wasn’t an issue.  We discussed it briefly and that was an end to it as far as I know.

He seemed to think that having a lot of fuckbuddies, as he called them, was an indication of attractiveness.  It isn’t.

There are a lot of ethical concerns with that particular instance, he had a small child and nobody in the situation seems to have considered the feelings of the wife at home.  I doubt anybody even knows what she looks like. He was reasonably attractive and occasionally funny, but I’m sapiosexual, which means if I don’t rate your brain, I’m not going to be terribly interested and whilst that doesn’t mean you have to be Einstein, you definitely have to be an improvement on this dude.

Another friend said recently that in the event that I had given birth to a stupid child, I would have been impossible, and I think he was probably right.  There are limits that I do not understand and it takes a long time to explain to me why I have to slow the conversation down at times.  I’m not a particularly tolerant person, although I do have oodles of patience for other things.

Added to this, we have the issue of stability.  Nobody seems to have discussed the ethics of bonking someone who is unstable or who does not communicate on the same playing field you are on.

Many people seem to bonk first and think later, and I think that is a mistake.  Sex is messy and it changes the dynamic.  If there is no relationship dynamic there in the first place, how would you know what the trade-off is?

So yeah, I guess I am a very slow lady these days.  You get tired of finding out that charming dude is actually a violent nutter who believes you belong in a cupboard.  You get tired of actually seeking out and hiding in the cupboard to avoid him. You get tired of people who make assumptions about your morality and who fail to respect the fact that you are actually highly moral and don’t particularly care to waste your time on a cheat.

Most of all you get tired of people who don’t see you at all.  One ex didn’t actually know anything about me two years in.  What a waste of time and money?

So yeah, there is something to be said for eyeing up someone’s morals, honesty, mental acuity before you jump in the sack with them.  There is something to be said for being thoughtful and weighing up the pros and cons, even if the object of your affection is the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen.

Japanese gold, Indian gold, Chinese gold, gold from a defunct shop I used to rely on that is now like hen’s teeth.  How much gold is Little Shiva’s chair going to take?  As much as I can find.

Another Trishul is on the way, but I would really like the big 15 inch one on ebay.  It is a hundred quid or so so there is no way I will be buying it anytime soon.

Researched some Sanskrit for part of it, and decided it was a little bit too regimented for the badly drawn effect I wanted.

Started work on the Damaru, it is going to take a lot of stabilising as it will be carrying at least 40 kilos before anyone even sits on the thing.

Met a tiny irate man.  Well, when I say met, I met him a year or so ago, just after the bank debacle, but he was so irate I didn’t think he could possibly be interested. He is also very tiny, with impeccable taste.

I am obviously not going to make any kind of move after the disastrous year I’ve had. I will try further eye contact and see if a conversation starts.  He is in the restaurant business.

I am very upset.

I have been reading about the Christian men’s movement to introduce fear and dread as a method of controlling their relationships.  This is very similar to some of the Islamic teachings on physically and mentally intimidating your spouse.

I think sometimes a reality check ought to involve a cattle prod.  If you can’t be friends, you shouldn’t be in bed together.  Simples.

I wish I could talk to someone sensible. There hasn’t been a day in I don’t know how long that I would not have been happy to see Little Shiva, which is very stupid.

Tonight I was chatting with my Sikh author friend Pardip, and we were trying to talk about Arabs.  Pardip is a relatively well known author, I think I probably outstrip him for international audience and sheer graft, but he has a loyal following.

Now Pardip really hates Arabs, apparently they did something to Punjabis that is hated to this day.

It became apparent after a few minutes that it was not at all possible to have a rational conversation with Pardip, so I am sorry to say I muted him and moved on to an apparent snowflake American, who suggested to me that all cultures must be respected in all countries.

That would seem to be racist? I said.

Bitch from hell that I am, I was explaining the new laws on domestic abuse.

Why would a Lybian woman living in Scotland have less rights than a Scottish woman?  I asked.  Can you see the problem?

Alas this yank seems to have been a bit thick.  He is also very kinky, which means that assumed subservience is his thang.  Agreed subservience is a very different topic to legal subservience.

What the kinkies were worried about, is that in their situation of agreed consent, would the new laws on bullying and domestic abuse affect them getting their jollies?

Obviously not until somebody somewhere decides they are not OK in exactly the same situation they were in yesterday and forgets to actually say so, like a perfectly normal adult.

In my case I was concerned about this, since our rich Libyan friend, below decided suddenly to apply his culture and gender to mine and was actually entertained in doing so because, according to him, of his money.

My great grandfather started a revolution on the basis of equalizing rights.  It is looking as if I have to do the same thing, in the face of a lot of confusion and coy racism, where people think yes let us have battered women from country X because it is OK there.  Let us pretend we think this is OK because to do otherwise would be racist.

That is the same principle as allowing an adult male to use the police to bully a woman who went to a great deal of trouble to create a gift and do him a favour.

Do we want to live like this?  Is there really any confusion as to whether a Pakistani/Indian/African/European woman has the same rights as a Scottish woman to answer back?

If you think there is, then you’re the racist.

The chair is going extremely well, and I am working on second runs of the basic work prior to adding some calligraphic pattern and rendering it ready for the carpet layer.  After that I will be putting on the first backing, waterproofing it and putting in the windows to start the resin process.

Today I discussed returning to management consultancy or entering the world of natural health, because that makes perfect sense, apparently.  I have no idea how this is going to work when the economy crashes, but I have a lot of survival skills.

I considered how many ways I could, if I wanted to, get the Libyan prosecuted and wondered whether I should waste my time doing this.

Why?  Well he had absolutely no reason to damage me, and yet consistently threatened me as a response to my creating a gift for him.

Little Shiva very similarly had absolutely no reason to damage my job, and yet felt quite free to make sure my career would be terminated.  Why do people do this?  It is a waste of time and energy.

My theory is that when they feel powerless, they try to harm you to create an illusion of power that does not actually exist.  Little Shiva ended up getting himself fired, and the Libyan  is currently squandering money on a second rate vegan cafe to reassure himself that he isn’t a moron. Unfortunately he is, so this will not help him very much.

I have now had another three opportunities to cause him harm, and I have said no to every one of them.  I regard such behaviour as a waste of my time.  He thinks jihad means annoying non-believers.  I am not sure who has told him this, but whoever it is is also not very bright.  It is also possible that he has simply not listened to his imam, as he apparently only has one topic of conversation, which is himself.

The amount of power this individual has is alarming.  As we speak, people are being killed and maimed in a war.  It was news to him that people were starving, never mind being shot or maimed, such is his lack of awareness of the world around him.

So, besides lack of empathy or basic awareness, feelings of powerlessness and lack of insight, why do people set out to harm you for no reason?

I think you should take it that you have something they don’t have.  In my case I am an open-minded and generous person who cares about others, and they seem to have tremendous difficulty with this concept.  Like Americans, if they don’t understand you, they then try to destroy you, so you can kind of take it as a compliment.

In this way, you can preserve what is good about you rather than getting suckered into a negative vortex.

Turning the other cheek, therefore, is an expression of power.

I have had a very difficult week all things considered, so I am going to review my behaviour.

I will no longer be supportive of erratic behaviour, nor will I be attempting to help people who cross my path with problems.  I think this is overdue, and I think this will help me save a lot of time I had previously wasted on pointless things.

I have been guilty of being too nice about some things, and responding in kind to people I should not have wasted time on.  Apparently you get to do whatever you like to other people even when they are extremely kind to you and get you through a bad emotional situation.

I was told by the police this week that attempting to encourage a persistent law breaker to obey the law was a bad thing, and that I was apparently at fault despite being pestered by a person with at least four personalities.  The correct course of action now appears to be to report breaches of the law and use the police as nannies to deal with it.

As far as I am concerned, recent events have told me that people with money and sheltered lives take pleasure in wasting police time attempting to damage each other, and I find this deeply offensive.  The police are there to solve crimes, not waste hours and hours of time bringing cases against people who are basically just irritants and who do not even know what jihad is.

People are starving to death whilst you arse each other around, it is not remotely virtuous to piss about like this. You are supposed to be functional adults and we do not live in a school playground.

I do wonder now, what Muslim women married to morons do for several years whilst their lives are messed up by poor decision making.  I assume the only answer is to get a divorce, as if you choose to misinterpret the hadiths about women, listening to them is the very opposite of what you are supposed to do, even in cases relating to the laws of the land you happen to be in, and even if you are educationally subnormal/high as a kite.  You would have to be deaf or extremely stupid to tolerate this.

In any case, I am very glad the dunce made the mistake of causing me problems, as he has effectively banned himself from bothering me again.  I need do nothing at all.

As for my so-called friend thinking this is a good time to kick me when I am down, bye then.  I will of course refund you when it is possible to do so. And no, I still don’t think your bullshit is a police matter.

Today I think I will write about power dynamics and how they are often distorted in even the kinkiest relationships.

I have written about this in several stories, I was very gentle with Little Shiva, as I was talking from a more emotional standpoint and for some reason the stories wrote themselves for him.  I had very little to do with it, it just poured out.  Likewise the chair, whilst a ton of work, is not taking up much in the way of struggle space.

It was also interesting to see Little Shiva’s different voices when dealing with different people.  My priority early in life was always work, so I think I see things in a very fluent and consistent way across different parts of my life.  Little Shiva was apparently unusually coherent with me, yet wildly inconsistent with everything else, including work and, as it turned out, his actual relationships.

When it comes to power play, the BDSM community are probably the best at expressing fluidity.

As I mentioned in Best Sex Study Ever submissives are often the bossiest partner.  They largely dictate the direction they want things to go in for their chosen relationship, and the dominant partner is then tasked with carrying them out.

Obviously people vary in intensity with how far they want things to go, some people just want to play out some book they have read, such as the unreadable 50 shades stories, and they aren’t really considering the consequences for the rest of their relationship – perhaps it doesn’t actually matter to them.

Cultural differences can also cause confusion.  Other countries are often far healthier in terms of hormone levels, and this also makes a difference.  The rapid decline in sperm count in Western countries, which we are supposed to take as being a mystery, has accompanied the feminism that has brought us part of the way towards some idea of equality.

So, looking at these things together, what happens when one partner is role playing for sexual reasons, whilst the other has a set of beliefs that mean subservience is assumed? What does it do to the respective partners, and is this relationship situation ever going to resolve itself?

I had a chat with a former Arab friend about this quite recently.  He insisted his culture demanded that people adapt to suit him, and I was quick to assure him that since he lived in Scotland, it was not other people that had to adapt. He suggested at one point that women have too much power in Western society, that it was male responsibility to ‘take care’ of women.

This assumption, that women have no control over their behaviour, no opinions and could be written off as simply crazy for acting exactly like a normal thinking human, was what prevented women from voting for several centuries.  It is far from progressive and quite shocking. The individual concerned was making use of this to manipulate his relationships with women far further than intended, largely due to a combination of insecurity and disrespect for other people generally.

I have now heard numerous stories of Scottish-Arab failed marriages, and my comment is usually along the lines of – yeah I’m sure the sex is great for a while, but I don’t see how assumed dominance in men (Arab) is going to go with angry warrior women. (Scotland)  It is a disaster waiting to happen for all sorts of reasons, the main one being that the role playing has a completely different meaning for each partner involved.

In one recent case, the picture became so distorted that the only way of resolving the situation was to reject it.  No discussion was possible.

The answer to this is obviously one of communication, but when you are dealing with a brick wall of posturing and contempt, communication is no longer likely.

I think what this example that I am very loosely referring to shows is that romance and long term relationships are separated where no compromise can be reached – people who keep the romance in their relationship have a far better chance of survival because the give and take elements are more pronounced.

This is not something that is easy to pull off once people get into a routine.  Arguing over the dishes just isn’t terribly sexy unless you choose to make it so.  It is made even less likely when one partner sees no reason not to assume that his idea of roles is static. You cannot argue with static ideas, therefore no compromise is possible.

Personally, I would not choose to engage in such a situation but for those that do, it is very important to establish boundaries early on and stick to them, rather than entertain the all or nothing approach, which is basically a power grab by one partner or the other. A more strategic approach is necessary to avoid the  time consuming and expensive business of failure.