The Great Thing about Nonentity

The great thing about being a nonentity is that you don’t have to worry about what you say. You can say anything at all, nobody is listening. I had to take the website over from the website manager a few months ago, and since then have had to try to figure out how websites work from scratch. It has only been close to back to normal for the last week, so I have no idea when it plummeted in numbers between then and now. There was quite a serious gap, so basically Ina had to be restarted from scratch.

Whilst I am quite fond of some of my old posts, I see that I waste a lot of posts talking about personal stuff. I tend to think it might be of use to somebody, but perhaps it is just a bore. I actually got more retweets than readers for the last post!

Facebook and Twitter seem to be phasing out the free sharing of posts altogether. To make things worse, Twitter are banning authors, in particular, from promoting their posts. The ‘eat shit and die’ blog entry about healthcare was mistaken for hate speech, and so Ina is no longer allowed to promote anything at all on Twitter.

Good news for more mainstream advertisers, but what use is Twitter to me now? It seems that unless you are posting several tweets, with a variety of hashtags, you will not reach very many people. Between the two of them, Twitter and Facebook are streamlining more visible content to reflect bland material. I am sure that this is very helpful to the producers of bland material, but it does not seem to me that it is particularly diverse.

I guess the answer is to be more bland and less quirky, which is a crashing bore. Perhaps it is time Ina died a death and became Brenda Bland?

I will use this slow phase to catch up on building the Youtube channel, and considering more of a strategy for the blog. Wittering on about a niche author that hates me anyway would seem rather pointless.

Am up to 5 miles per day, which is amazing considering my first walk, of a mile, was incredibly hard. Evidently there is some stiffness that you resolve simply by doing it. Pretty sure I will not be going to Wolfe’s event anyway as it is probably pointless and will just get me annoyed.

Spoke to a woman in the market today who told me that there were 200 kinds of dementia and that there was nothing you could do about it. She laughed at me when I said I had kept mother going for this long by pretending there was no problem and constanly rehabbing. Her sister, who has dementia, is 58. It struck me by this woman’s disparaging anger towards me, and the illness, that attitude is very important to remain well as you progress with the disease.

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Hounded by the fictitious Mrs Wolfe

Hounded by the fictitious Mrs Wolfe

She has tired me out today. She insisted on a 3 hour trip to the hairdresser, which I have never done in my life. I look very different, but I notice, because I am actually looking people in the eye, that they are viewing me more positively.

I have never considered just letting my whackiest thoughts guide what I am doing before. This is a queer sort of fun. Progress so far is a weight loss of 36lb, radical new hair and two almost nice items of clothing.

Pending radical decisions include completely changing the way I dress – I tend to wear men’s clothes. Not sure I will let her away with that one as for one thing, it is very expensive, and for another, it is over-egging the pudding to wear women’s clothing when your breasts could easily knock someone out regardless of what you wear.

Now I am to walk sixteen miles a day. I am tired just thinking about this. Two weeks ago I would have said a swift no way to that one as it would have involved intense pain. Today I am just thinking – yeah maybe next week. This week I might do five. If you don’t like it that is too bad, Mrs W.

It is probably time to start work on the next book whilst I slowly work on these games. I also have a very unpleasant meeting about my mother coming up next week. Mrs W can take care of that I think.

In the meantime I shall just have another look at this weird hair she gave me.

She does have moderately good taste, I guess, for a crazy person.

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Thoughts on the David Wolfe UK event October 2017 issue

Today I had to drive down to Carmichael, a village in Lanarkshire to pick up a new lawnmower. The old lawnmower was not very old at all but was designed by Germans who apparently believe that lawns consist of only one type of grass, not much use when you have three lawns on a hill. When the self-propulsion pegged out, I heaved a sigh of relief and got rid of the Einhell junk. Who designs a lawnmower that cannot cope with grass, and cannot collect it?

Anyway, I got to thinking as I drove down, as my satnav redirected me onto some horrific ring road which involved circling my house in ever increasing circles about three times on the way there, about what I really wanted from the Wolfe event, were I to move heaven and earth to actually get there.


  • Apparently my first priority was to establish that I am very funny via a series of hilarious and pointed greetings. Who cares? I can be quite cruel too, especially when you are being a total dickwad. Wolfe is well aware of this, so if he responds that he does not want me to attend, it is my own fault as well as his for being a plonker in the first place.


  • I spun this out in my head, to the point of actually having the conversation I have been waiting to have for the last seven years. That conversation is actually about work, what his aims are, and how my unused academic material could be used to give him the kudos required to make more of the European market. Why do I even still care about this?  He certainly doesn’t.  He is quite happy, good for him. He probably still sleeps on Shazzie’s floor when he is over here and is incapable of moving on to adult life anyway.


  • I then got to imagining setting up an actual meeting, and when I got to the imaginary meeting, he turned up with at least one dry looking hippy chick with the intention of humiliating me again. (hahaha the fat chick is here to see me) When I took this idea further to making my gooseberry departure, I realised that my wanting to see him was nothing at all to do with lugging on his lingam, and everything to do with recovering my face.  This, going by past experience, would not suit him at all as he has a great love of being totally disrespectful right up until it turns out that you are a lot smarter than he expected you to be, at which point he runs.  If this is how I think of him, why am I wasting my time on this?


Prior to my having this reality check, I was thinking optimistically that he might actually be quite pleased to see me, he may have grown out of being a plonker, and that things might end up OK between us.  Not in a grand romantic sense, but at least he would understand that my attention seeking novels are just that and I do not actually bear him any real ill will.  He seemed to have big difficulties with that.  Most of my rather acerbic material prior to the books was aimed at getting his attention rather than harming him in any way.  (it is all removed now, so don’t bother looking)

Now that I have realised that I am trying to save my face, and this is still about Facebook blocking and me feeling small, I feel like an idiot.  Why do I even care? If I want to write my tiresome book, which still will not sell as Ina is still pretty much a nonentity, I have to write it regardless.  He will soon lift anything useful if he bothers reading it. (highly unlikely)

It is all extremely tiresome, and getting me nowhere.  Why go to all the trouble of getting there, with a no refund policy and the likelihood that he will freak out?  There has been no acknowledgement from the organizer that they even have my enquiry, never mind a response, so I am thinking it is likely that they will not respond until it is way too late anyway.

See how reality differs from positive thinking, anyone? It would have been nice if my imaginary friend wasn’t imaginary, but he decided against it some time ago.

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Ina Disguise health repair protocol (fat and miserable)

Ina’s health repair protocol

Today’s post is written from the perspective of someone who knew they had a problem with their diet at 9 years old, was told I was talking rubbish and was first identified as potentially depressive at the same age by my family GP, who was also trained in homeopathy and who was a great loss when he retired in 1987.

In reality, my sadness is usually rational, as such is not really depression. Depression is irrational sadness. When I am sad, I usually have a good reason for it, even if it does go on for rather a long time. I use it in my work, so it is not necessarily a bad thing, apart from being kind of time consuming.

The bad part of this is that I do not think about myself very much, would do almost anything to avoid it, and end up in a state of self-neglect from time to time. This time, as previously outlined, I was taking care of my disabled and very elderly mother 24 hours a day, was-broken-hearted over some dude I have never even met being a bit shitty, when an ex-boyfriend turned up, ostensibly thinking he was cheering me up by saying “hey, I’m dying, I love eating, cook for me.”

This of course gave me an excuse to completely ignore myself, try not to think about the appalling man I was in love with, and look after my ex-boyfriend’s needs rather than mine. Any excuse to ignore myself, since there was no point in applying my relentless optimism to actually solving the problem of Wolfe not wanting to talk to me.

Anyway, for depressed and overweight people everywhere, here is my self repair protocol – gathered from years of losing the same 150lb over and over again as a result of similar situations and not caring about myself very much. You are not helpless, and you are worth it, especially if you don’t actually want to die of ignoring yourself.

1. Elbow unpleasant people out of the way. Notice I do not say negative people, as I regard them as useful. I mean unpleasant people, who pour scorn on what you are doing or think they know what you need better than you do. Don’t just sit and watch them – get rid of them. If you are unable to do this for any reason, watch their behaviour carefully and do not tell them what you are doing. Do not, at this point, take up exercise as people will notice and you will put undue pressure on yourself. I will tell you when this is appropriate later in the post.

2. Before you do anything in terms of diet and exercise, start taking at least two probiotics and start cutting carbs and stimulants out of your diet. That means no sugar, flour, potatoes, rice, starchy vegetables, fruit (except berries) tea and coffee. Do this until you do not feel you are missing out on anything. (may take months, depending on how radical you are finding this so far) Get a really good mineral water if you can afford it, or failing that make sure you have a lot of ice, as ice is quite luxurious and makes you feel a bit more spoilt. Invest in some bicarbonate of soda, some apple cider vinegar and some lemon, as you will be making a drink out of it in the morning once you feel you are ready. At this point you are on a low-carb diet and are giving up stimulants. Again, it may take a month or two for you to get used to it if you haven’t done it before, but you are training yourself for life, so take your time.

3. Start increasing the vegetables in your diet to ten per day, including berries. Use the bicarb, lemon and apple cider vinegar in the morning to make a small shot sized drink. Research herbal alternatives to solve your inevitable health problems and try to drink 3-4 litres of water per day. Drinking at least 1.5 litres before you eat in the morning is very good for you and cuts your appetite considerably, especially as it takes over an hour (it does me anyway.) Don’t completely rule out meat and fish as yet, as long as you are still eating this you can get through your life without anybody noticing, so make sure you are feeling well enough to make firm decisions in the face of opposition before you start reducing those. If you have got to this point, you should be feeling well enough to start cutting out dairy products. Once you have managed that, move on to step 4.

4. If you have made it this far, you ought to be feeling a lot better, especially if you have focused on green leafy vegetables. Your research should have shown you several highly nutritious alternative superfoods to a conventional diet. if you want to purchase these you will find they actually work out cheaper and healthier than your normal diet. You should be gradually investing in possible remedies throughout this process, as you probably have a lot of gut problems and irritating health niggles to sort out. Investigate candida albicans, for example, if your health issues include brain fog and yeast infections. There are many ways of pinpointing what your issues are – my most recent favourite is Dr Berg’s quiz, which is very helpful for identifying adrenal or lymphatic issues. Go check this out. If you are feeling well enough, sneak out for a short walk a couple of times a day to help your system function at a better speed than it has been doing. You may wish to stop here if this is all you wanted to do or have no further weight problem.

5. If you still have a weight problem, once you have got your nutrition sorted out, you will no longer want to eat unfeasible amounts of crap food. In fact you may feel well enough to fast for a while. Personally, I am not a fan of doing this for more than five days, as the last thing I need is to slow my metabolism. Miraculously, even after spending a considerable portion of my life dieting, I have no issues of this kind so can still manage to shift a lot of weight relatively quickly. Intersperse periods of fasting with periods of intensive nutrition so that your body gets the best possible chance of resolving its issues. Green leafy vegetables, again, are very important so that you do not damage your fatty liver. Annoyingly, non alcoholic fatty liver disease is actually acquired via dieting, not overeating, and the only way of reversing or avoiding it is to consume a lot of bitter greens, so tune into making very nice green smoothies sweetened with stevia. Personally, I am a fan of mineralising with raw chocolate to make my bitter smoothie taste good, and a great deal of ginger in case any of my other problems have decided to form a tumour again.

6. Repeat and continue for as long as necessary. If you want to give up meat and fish altogether, do so as you are better off without it. Remember that fats are always better for you than sugar, and your brain loves ketosis rather than a conventional diet, so particularly if you have depressive periods, stick to this plan. Increase your exercise and taking time for yourself until you are at a sustainable level. Do not forget how bad you used to feel before you did it, and pamper yourself by doing something nice for yourself at least once per week, regardless of what anybody else says or does.

Enjoy your new appearance and improved self-confidence.

I have an alternative protocol for people who have been starved by a hospital or are otherwise nutritionally depleted, hence the title of this post.

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Change is sometimes sad


Well, in my quest to improve myself, I booked myself into the hairdresser only to find that I had no time to actually go, so my radical change of hair has to wait until Thursday.  I am in the middle of applying for some transcription work, and I realised that I not only don’t have time for that, I don’t even want to do it anymore.  I will probably have to do it, since I applied and do not want problems finding work in the future.  This is the fourth time this has happened, so I am really out of practice at taking tedious jobs just to pay the bills.

It is not that I am not motivated.  I just feel that there is very little time left to do what I want to do, and I should not be spending that time typing when I should be busy growing.  A little extra money, and the cap taken off my savings, would be extremely helpful at this point.  It also resolves the issue of Ina actually selling anything, since I would already be self-employed.  I am not quite sure why I am so averse to promoting myself at present.  Perhaps I have quality issues with my work?  If this is the case, I had better snap out of it because time is a-wasting.

I think it is the idea that I am doing this because there was something wrong with me in the first place, and I am not at all sure that there was.  Not in terms of work anyway.  My health was awful, my situation continues to be awful, otherwise I was a relatively happy, cynical and studious individual.  Now I feel kind of cast aside, with my efforts to change things becoming harder and more futile by the day.

Everything designed to benefit my mother seems to be based on the premise that she cannot get any better, which does not help.  I have actually stopped energising her in the form of massage in the last week because she just seems to want to sleep all the time, which is very sad and probably not good for her health.  I have been pestered before on the basis that improving her health is somehow abusing her – this was when I was still doing mental exercises with her to maintain her brain – and I have found the last couple of months similar in that other people’s expectations of her are so low that she is grinding to a halt.

Still too stressed to sew, so I cannot finish the carpet that I was making for the Boris collection, and I am wary of doing any work on the furniture until things calm down. There is still a legal battle to fight so everything feels very much up in the air.

Wrote to the organiser of the David Wolfe event to ascertain if Wolfe is likely to become furious if I were to turn up.  No answer as yet, but I am expecting a no, do not come to the event.  Referred to myself as author/artist and felt a complete fraud.  I wanted to do other things before all this started.  Now it seems out of reach and very far away.

Have taken 5 inches off my waist so far, we shall see if this improvement continues. It is perhaps because this was started because of undervalue that I feel such a lack of confidence in my decisions.


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The Best Romance Ever explained


I have been asked for an explanation of Best Romance Ever, as it breaks every rule of the romance genre. Here are the rules of romance, from Elizabeth Grayson, although you will find I have broken every rule of every romance ever.

1) the readers care about the characters.
2) the readers identify with the heroine.
3) the readers fall in love with the hero.
4) the readers believe that the hero and heroine are convincingly united at the end of the book.

  1.  I don’t think either Sam or Kira are particularly appealing characters.  One writer that had a look at Best Scandal Ever found the fact that Kira was fat and had a lot of boyfriends unbelievable due to her own weird hangups.  They are interesting, but not particularly heart wrenching people.  Another early comment was that referring to Sam as a womanizer was an insult.  I replied at the time that it was descriptive.  Sam is not a bad person at all, he just likes women, preferably briefly.
  2. See above.  Kira is a weirdo, who would rather hide in her house than attempt to disengage with her feelings.  She uses them elsewhere as impetus to do other things.
  3. Sam is not the sort of guy that anybody sensible would fall in love with.  His entire life is devoted to avoiding such encumbrances.  The only reason he nearly achieves romance is to improve his status.
  4. Sam and Kira do not end up together at the end of the book. Quite the reverse. It is a comedy of manners, in which their respective nationalities plays a huge role.  Kira is shy and completing a project, regardless of money or status, whilst Sam is very keen to be seen as very successful.  This gives you a further insight into their characters, and is a development on Best Scandal Ever, which posits Sam as a business genius, whilst Kira is a faintly evil academic/artist who doesn’t care about people, money, or anything much apart from Sam, whom she wants nothing to do with.

So, although the principle of romance is there, there is no actual romance.  All it establishes is a link between the characters, in the form of his turning up at the music festival when he is upset about the failure to sustain his romance with the famous actress.  In terms of the series, it makes perfect sense, but in terms of the rules of romance, it is entirely rule breaking.

Nevertheless, men have particularly enjoyed the book, as it explains a lot about women.  That nagging old fuck standing in your kitchen loves you very much, in fact, she is just busy maintaining your preferred level of boring old life.  Love is not necessarily about flowers and pretty things.  Sometimes it is about being extremely tough and withholding affection for wider reasons.

Some men, Sam included, misunderstand this as being stuck in a rut, or hen-pecked.  So, for the more intelligent male reader it gives a measure of insight into why you would still be madly in love after thirty years, yet having a relatively grim day to day life.  Best Romance Ever is my attempt to capture why your relationship unit may look shaky, but actually be performing extremely well.

There is a measure of almost autistic denial about Kira.  She has little to no self-confidence, but I have forced her into situations where she copes remarkably well.  She is horrified by her feelings about Sam, and yet flogs her dead horse persistently throughout the books.  This in itself is more romantic than the average romance, since she has no expectations at all and does not forsee anything good or positive coming out of her feelings.

Sam, on the other hand, is blissfully unaware, and even if he was aware, would choose to ignore it, or brand Kira as insane.

Best Adventure Ever, the game in production at the moment, expands on this.  Players selecting Sam as their character will get a very different experience, expressed through food choices and choices of date, than players selecting Kira and her choices of date.  The romantic element between them is still there, however this piece of work is created around them rather than about them.  It is really a piece about the quality of your relationships, how your looks impact/do not impact on your life experience, and how happy you end up as a result.  It is also a comment about men and women generally, since Sam and Kira exemplify the ‘inny/outy’ nature of genitalia itself.

Finally, the pieces of work relating to Sam and Kira are about people who despise convention.  The one thing that Sam and Kira share is that they have no real interest in conformity.  If I ever put them together, I am sure their adventures together would be just as interesting, because of their opposing perception of the world around them.

I would argue that the Best Romance Ever is as the title suggests because there is no concluding ‘happy ever after.’  The Best Romance Ever, is a period of endless negotiation, therefore it is infinite.


Still free at this location – The Best Romance Ever


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Appearance is everything

Appearance is everything

As regular readers will know, I have had a hard time over the last couple of months, with complete strangers entering our home to tell me how I should live according to them.

At one point, one of these worthies even asked me if I left the door open when I went out, such was my perceived level of stupidity. It was intensely annoying. It is amazing how your dishevelled appearance leads strangers to believe they can say whatever they like to you. I was reading a rather emphatic article about this last night. It doesn’t matter how hard you work, smaller breasted and thinner women are always perceived as more competent than you. Personally, I was a psychotic over-worker, so it did not affect me as long as I managed to get the job in the first place.

This is probably not over yet, so as I am doing a bit of an overhaul anyway, Mrs Wolfe has again reared her slightly better looking head.

Normally, since I looked after dad, then mum, on occasion my friend, it does not matter what I look like. Nobody is looking and I have no sense of time or capacity for looking in the mirror. I would rather think about anything else than what I am doing, as what I am doing is rather tedious. As a result, it is often months before I even notice that I have a problem.

Supermix also makes you rather lazy, since you know you have something that will have you looking and feeling significantly better within about four days.

Anyway, since my friend was potentially dying and liked eating, it made sense to indulge him, especially given the risks involved in not indulging him. Oddly, during times when he was not staying with us, I found myself reverting to raw within a few days, so evidently I preferred it. I still ended up very large and looking very ill after three years.

For anyone considering doing a raw diet plan, the positive effects last a lot longer than you would think. You do not look ill for months because your raw or rawish diet is still hanging around. After this, however, you can expect to age about ten years in addition to the unpleasant smell and decline in your performance. (waking up is not at all the same for cooked food eaters, for example)

I am happy to say that my unachievable weight loss is proceeding well so far, I am looking a lot better today. I will have to watch out for my liver, however, so it looks like green smoothies will have to replace any ideas about water fasting for the moment.

The curls have fallen out of my hair in the last couple of years. I am not sure why this is, I have tried tweaking my diet, but still I can no longer simply rub my hair and expect it to look ok. This is extremely tiresome, since I will now have to actually think about it rather than staggering through life without having to worry.

My clothing is mostly covered in resin and glue, especially since I started work on the furniture collection. I am not going to bother replacing it, since I do not know how big I will be in ten weeks. As I have gone through so many rapid changes in appearance over the years, I have a lot of clothes in a lot of different sizes. It was rather telling that I started buying the biggest size in the shop fairly quickly after the Wolfe drama. It had not been quite as obvious before.

Actually attempting to speak to Wolfe in October would be a logistical nightmare. I would have to get employed carers in for three days, a housesitter, and I would have to notify the people who have involved themselves with our life, none of which I am happy to do. I will have to revisit the idea in a month or so, as I see how things are going. In the meantime, I am recreating the character that rescued my mother seven years ago in an effort to avoid future regret. There is literally no point in my doing this unless I look bursting with health as I will stick out in that crowd like a sore twinlike thumb.

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David Wolfe’s Uk dates 2017

Oct 7: David Wolfe Full Day Masterclass – The Best Ever You Birmingham

So, in the spirit of punishing myself further by attempting to reverse my current health problem in nine weeks, I sought thinspiration by taking a look at the material for Wolfe’s event in Birmingham – if you are seriously obsessed, you can get near his greatness for £90.

I thought about doing this briefly, and then decided that the sight of me giggling and ranting into my notebook might put him off.  We can’t have that. I nearly went to see him in California a couple of years ago, but decided that Marrakech was a better idea. Given the blockings and the reputation for turning people away because they aren’t smiley enough, not to mention the actual fans that have emailed me over the years, I thought better of it.

Then I took a look at the pictures of the audience, which appears to consist of well-built young men who go to the gym, and slightly dry looking hippy chicks that are a little bit too serious looking for the context. They are wonderful looking fans though, but this ain’t my bag.

No, I thought, this is not for me at all.  I look a whole lot more like Wolfe than they do, and I know where the funny bits are. Leave him to his harem and his glory, and stay well out of it.

It is not fun at all, hating what he does for a living.  I need to get out more and find someone who doesn’t have quite such an extensive line of misquotes-by-meme.

So, another year passes, I still feel the same way, and I still don’t want to go anywhere near him, particularly not in a crowd scene.  I can do the whole public face thing, I just don’t feel it is appropriate or necessary. This was just a random emotional aberration, it doesn’t need to define my actions.

It is as my mother says, never try to have something you cannot stand losing.  She is right, you are far better off with things/people that are not precious.

In any case, it is unlikely that the game will be out in the next ten weeks or so, as I will be doing other things.  I would rather make that point, even though he will probably reject it on principle.  For someone who has so much to say about mean-spiritedness, I can tell you that from my perspective, he takes the crown for it.

I am still looking pretty dreadful, not sure how long it will take for that to calm down, but am feeling significantly better when walking or moving.  Why can’t the NHS manage to spot these things?  I have gone through years of shit with my health, and the parameters that they work with apparently don’t allow for spotting things on a prevention of disaster basis?

Anyway, it is time to do something different, whilst I work on my ailing health on the pretense that I feel remotely positive or optimistic about finally seeing my beloved in person.

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Mindfulness, animals and pithy memes

Another mindfulness day, another pithy meme and another animal video. Mindfulness seems to have replaced schemes like ‘the secret’ for people in the motivation market.

Looking through my timeline, I am drawn to the conclusion that ‘mindfulness’ is ‘success technology’ for people who have given up hope and are suffering from anxiety and depression.

So, I wonder, does this mean that I could actually draw a correlation between trends in motivation and the state of the American economy?  The idea that everyone who isn’t making money is an unemployed millionaire in the making seems to be fading somewhat in favour of navel gazing.

I can only see this as a good thing for America.  The days of Ayn Rand taking the piss out of American culture with her stinging Soviet backlash are really quite far behind us now.  When I look at motivational material now compared to then, with the aforementioned (previous posts on public speaking) respect for speakers having been replaced by a kind of grazing mentality.

Basically, the message is, you cannot do anything about external forces, so quiet your wandering mind and just be.  Frankly, fuck that.  You don’t achieve anything by taking that attitude. I may be a creature of extremes, but I always have something to achieve, big or small. If people actually discussed taking action in relation to the external forces rather than sat around being mindful, we would get on a lot faster. Even I spend too much time watching animals, reviewing memes and generally wasting time on living in the moment.

At this moment I am addressing my apparently dodgy liver.  My friend, who seems to be on a permanent binge as he is dying, has gone now, and so I am safe to return to my healthier eating habits.  It was very interesting that in the course of his gaining 14lb, I gained ten times as much eating much the same thing, so I can now say with confidence that eating normal food just causes me to continuously gain weight.  I have lost the same 150lb about eight times now, so I am at least happy that I can safely ignore all the areas of the supermarket I was ignoring seven years ago.

I have employed the strategy of pretending that I am going to see Wolfe in October, for the sake of an initial goal.  I have no actual intention of doing it, but I am using it as a pleasant thought. (I am of course aware that I would not enjoy or get anything out of it as he would probably have me thrown out, going by past experience)  This unrealistic and rather empty goal is working wonders on my liver however, some of the symptoms were calming down just doing that.

Maybe that is my version of being mindful.  Rather than living in and experiencing/wallowing in the moment, I am escaping to somewhere I regard as more interesting.  The internet seems to be hidden behind a wall of mindful bullshit.  I much preferred the days of Dale Carnegie.  Life was much simpler and more innocent then.




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Taking stock

Taking Stock

I have a pile of stuff to complete before I can start any more, which is cramping my style somewhat.

It strikes me, as I optimise the blog, that I spend a lot of time crediting Wolfe for stuff that is really nothing to do with him. I have kind of dumped anything good about myself on someone who hasn’t even been particularly pleasant. I wonder why I am doing that?

Have I really got to the point where I cannot even acknowledge myself anymore? Has everything that has happened taken me to the point where I am not safe to achieve anything? If this is the case, I really need to address it.

Over the years prior to my apparent obsession with giving things to somebody equally obsessed with taking from elsewhere, I tried to give presents to many people. Most of the time, my mother told me that I was being crazy by wanting to give anything to anyone. She used to hang her head in shame, as if giving people presents was some sort of mental aberration. The rest of my life was perfectly normal, i just liked making weird gifts for passing strangers.

I always felt this was particularly odd for a religious person. Surely the whole point of religion is to make you nicer to other people, I thought? No, apparently it is just to make you feel shame.

Any residual trace of shame was eradicated in the course of my silent war with Wolfe. It is not that I think he is wrong – quite the contrary – he has given far more, to far more people than I ever could. I am his complete opposite however. I apparently believe that giving always involves expense to me, whereas he has found a way of making it work for him.

I have been optimising the website today, as a prelude to it being recrawled, then I will take a look at Adsense to make it pay for itself and hopefully promote itself elsewhere. I do not know how many people will be interested in looking at a lot of weird objects, but if I am making them, and nobody is accepting my gifts, then they might as well be shown off.

Likewise, I should be concentrating on making Ina write for money elsewhere, rather than bothering with more tedious jobs to pay for more materials whilst I take care of my mother. I have good ideas about these things, and then fall into a horrified pit where I talk myself out of doing anything remotely progressive.

Sometimes it would be nice just to have some encouragement. Despite some compliments, and some terrible advice, I have had no encouragement at all with the Ina Disguise project, primarily because of its association with Wolfe to start off with. My friends seemed to think it was exclusively about him. When a tree develops a branch or two, you do not immediately assume that it needs a reason, now do you?

Anyway, there are now 230 odd posts on this site. Most of them can be optimised, and I will complete this in the next couple of days before starting work on updating the youtube channel. I need to rethink the whole thing.

To begin with, it was a revelation to me that I could just throw work out there and people would enjoy it anyway. I am more interested in academic writing, and word vomit was not my previous MO. Word vomit, however, is what people actually read. A very popular Yank blogger was talking at me about writing 6000 words in 3 hours the other day. His quality must be shit, I reasoned, until I mentioned it to my friend, who said that yes, word vomit is what people want. The internet must be bursting at the seams with it.

Anyway, enough rebellion for one day. I should have been respected and able to give presents if I wanted to. Ina would not exist if I had just been able to do that. Why would that be difficult for anyone to understand?

Many thanks to the follower of Osho for the photo that accompanies today’s rant.

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