What is astonishing about this crap is that I still actually care.

Thank God I do not have to deal with this person any more. Nobody said biology had to be rational, did they?

Website continues to be trawled by faceless people on identikit computers. Trying very hard to persist with work despite the stress, but not really managing it.

Very sad at everything. I keep seeing flashes of stuff from the last few weeks, and it is extremely upsetting.

Most people deal with problems like this by ignoring them, don’t they?  That’s how people get killed and nobody notices.

Met a game designer yesterday, hope he remembers to text because it might generate some work.




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Land of Disposable People


It is most interesting, how this is being regarded.  The idea now is to instantly forget negative things and push on to the next part of the conveyor belt.  Nobody cares what happens to you, nobody cares if you have any rights, nobody has any responsibility.

As a very old-school type that protects their staff, deals with their own problems, helps other people where they can, this never stops shocking me.  Everyone I met this morning at my breakfast meeting had a story.  The worst one was a legal financial services abuse story, about which none of the thousands of people who have to implement it are likely to do anything.

Hence, even before the Conservatives erode things still further, nobody has any rights, nobody has any responsibility and nobody cares.  From a situation twenty years ago where I was barking at companies for failing to manage their data properly, we now have a situation where nobody knows what management means, as far as they are aware it is something to do with having power over other people and making the paperwork look correct.

It is exhausting and terrifying living in a world like this, where people like SB are free to express their insanity by taking it out on other people.  I am a very bottom line thinker, and my feeling was that if we cut to the bottom line and dealt with the health issue, other things would subside.  It was not until I was told that the stuff I had seen related to probable coercion that I became furious.

So, there is still action to be taken, because in the normal course of events, any flow of information is now likely to be impeded by normal means.  Nobody wants bad news, and nobody cares what happens to anyone.

At least part of the problem is better, but I imagine some things will be worse.

Anyway, it certainly seems as if I should entirely ignore the implications of being falsely accused of stuff that isn’t relevant.

Sending an email and giving people books has never been causes for accusations and professional detriment in my experience, and I frankly want to see this company hauled over the coals for it.  They detected vulnerability because of my grief, and they exploited it.

I had already dealt with the immediate problem when they decided to make things worse, and I was told, as if this was some gospel truth, that they ‘had to be seen to be doing their jobs.’  Their job is not to make people frightened or make sure they have no income.  Their job as managers is to make it possible for people to work without being terrified by a mentally ill, corrupt individual who feeds on terror.

Ironically I had had a t shirt made ten days ago, ‘because we matter’ being the slogan.  It arrived today.  I didn’t find it funny.




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Seven weeks

It took seven weeks to the day for him to turn ‘your seriousness is astonishingly beautiful’ into ‘my prospects and life have been utterly destroyed.’ And that was with me ignoring most of the fight or flight responses and the attempts to get some semblance of what he thinks are normal feelings out of me.

Pretty low-grade stuff really, he expected me to get angry about bullshit and jealous.  Not a lot of point in that.  I am not so vain that I assume people should like me just because I like them, so it didn’t pan out well, and presumably annoyed him intensely after all that work he put in looking completely different than he did in the first place.  Ironically I liked the shy geek, I did not particularly like the rippling sex god. The rest was just bullshit chemistry, and thankfully I am too ancient to get that carried away.  Once you already met and lost the love of your life, these things don’t mean that much. (when am I going to stop crying every time Wolfe pops into my head?)

I am told that this is his idea of fun.  If this is the working culture that the company like to promote, you are better off avoiding it.  Kyle, who was utterly disgusted by the way the other manager treated us, to the point of leaving over it, is now incensed. (the first manager we had told me that invisible people in the office were saying nasty things about me – this is what passes for management with these people)

None of this helps now.  I have to spend today planning how on earth I am going to reframe the next two years as Plan A has failed thanks to SB and his puppet managers.

There is nothing laudable about what they did, and if I was a team leader or a business dealing with that company, I would terminate them immediately if I thought this was how they conducted themselves.

I laugh when I think of all the graduate programmes I would have killed to be on, that are populated with people who have no clue about management, and no clue how to run a business, never mind consult on someone else’s.

I will be making sure that no business I deal with in the future ever use this company, and I get around a lot.



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Notes on ‘The Professional’

Wolfe can testify to my love of small men, which is why I noticed all that. A large dude recently showed some interest, and I was utterly petrified.  I have had a complicated life.

At first I thought SB was feeling more confident, and I was quite happy, and then the other stuff became apparent.

Overall, his general aspect is one of fear and self hatred, which is a shame because he really is an incredibly beautiful man when he isn’t trying to belittle you to make himself feel better.

I am at fault, of course, because no matter what you do, you should never try to leave things better than you found them.

The management should be aware that I am quite well-connected, so this is not going to go under the radar.  Sorry about that. I cannot help any of you.  Here are the collected stories written for SB, with a lovely note for him.


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The Professional

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The Professional – Ina Disguise

The last story for SB.   I would not want to live like you.


What did you do last night?” the woman appeared to be smiling at him, but he increasingly found it difficult to tell what people really thought. They often appeared to be friendly, and then you would find they ignored you as they passed your desk, or some other indication of contempt.

Watched a film.” The professional’s life was isolated unless he was drinking. Drinking made him feel better for a while, and as he got drunk rather easily, he numbed up quite quickly as a rule.

He quite liked people who had just started in the job, as they were nervous and frightened. Since this gave him an obvious advantage, they weren’t a threat yet. Hence he would spend time being seen to be helpful, so that they would stupidly trust him later, when they might pose more of a potential obstacle.

People threaten you in various ways, he found. Sometimes it was by challenging you, being too correct. Sometimes it was by appearing to be friendly and becoming intrusive. Sometimes they just failed to meet targets, and this was a threat because it impacted his spreadsheets. The danger was everywhere. Having bitten and scratched to get his two hundred and fifty pounds a day, he was not likely to want to give it up.

In response, the professional had taken to exerting control over smaller and smaller things, to the point of ensuring that people filled in information that nobody cared about or checked and delegating tasks that did not take him particularly long. In this way, his time was freed up for writing reports and destroying any potential competition. He also devoted time to making sure his bosses knew he could be depended upon.

The professional’s entire posture had become affected by this paranoia, to the point that his shoulders crouched forward and he superficially appeared to be quite small. This meant that he found it easier to conceal the expressions of contempt that frequently crossed his face as he interacted with people. Only someone watching out for it would notice the mask slipping, the blank expression replaced with a psychotic rage for a second before he carefully concealed it.

Now and again, a woman would become interested, and then she had to be neutralised. The one exception to this was a married woman he had successfully blackmailed into sleeping with him, whom he controlled by a combination of looming over her desk, issuing his instructions for the day, or ignoring anything she said, which he frequently did as she frantically tried to communicate with him. Women were objects of contempt. He despised peoples ‘attempts to help.’ They were usually threats, covered by some crazy person’s idea of helpfulness.

He did not imagine himself to be pleasant to work with. He imagined himself to be a true professional, and made use of every contractual point he could find to isolate and attack his victims. People who had found him friendly and pleasant would suddenly find themselves at the end of a corporate gun as he decimated any potential problems. This was survival. He was the fittest.

The professional kept on in this way for years. The staff would whisper to each other about it. People came and went at his whim.

And then she came.

She was an artist, although this meant nothing to him. She was an author, which meant he had to carefully scrutinise and reject everything she had to say. She liked him, which meant he would have to get rid of her. He stared at her, for days at a time, sizing her up for the kill, one way or another. Maybe she would enjoy pain?

She was funny for a while, trying to avoid him she would skirt around the outside of the office because she was so frightened of being accused of anything. She had made some involuntary pass at him, which had been extremely funny because he knew the minute she did that, he had the weapon he needed to destroy her.

He quite enjoyed feeling attractive. He started going to the gym in between drinks, updated his wardrobe, changed his hair. His entire posture improved until he appeared twice the size. He was happy to be looked at. He took to screwing the little married woman a bit more often, although she did not like it. What else were women for, other than gaining advantage?

The artist emailed him. This was a threat, so he made a complaint leading to her being warned, although the warning was so gently put that she did not even know it was a warning.

When the artist spotted that he was, in fact, sleeping with the married woman she backed off and redoubled her efforts to avoid looking at him. He did not like that, the hatred really set in. Why did she not appear to want him anymore? Had he not become even more beautiful? She was now an irritant, even though she wasn’t even on his team. It was time to get rid of her.

The artist tried to communicate with him from a distance, so that she would not say anything wrong. She tried to redirect any conversation onto safer ground so that they could work together, he would respond with hostility and accusations. She tried to transfer onto another shift, so that she did not have to deal with him. They refused.

The last straw was when she tried to give him a book on dealing with stress. This was appalling. How dare she! He complained of harassment, on the basis of a total of five conversations in three months, three of which he had started himself. Now she would understand how big and powerful he really was.

The artist was then dragged into an office for a second time, told that her attempts to resolve any problems by means other than making accusations or hurting people were ‘unprofessional’ and fired by an inexperienced little South African oik who expected her to grovel to him.

The artist sighed and left Lilliput behind.

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Sick Freak

“Isn’t it funny this chick really likes me?”

“She doesn’t know you.”

“Yeah, the problem is I only like them when they’re really scared.  I’ll have to scare her, and she’s bigger than me.”

“How are you going to do that?”

“Ummm, well, her mother is dead and she has bills to pay.  I think I’ll repeatedly make complaints about her until she’s terrified.”

“Great idea!  That’ll show her.”

“Maybe I should go to the gym, too.”

“Uh huh.”

“And, apart from that, I could make sure she understands by humiliating and degrading her at every opportunity.”


“Yeah, she won’t look so cheerful then, will she?”

“Nope, I guess not.”

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Not trying to get you fired but……

You will never have a job with the employer, the agency or the contractor.


Call me old-fashioned, but managing used to mean you managed, not that you slunk off to ruin people’s lives because you’re too weak to face up to your own problems.

Apparently boys are made of sugar and can’t cope with simple tasks without dumping a ton of bullshit on other people.

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Supermix for Dawnee

Sorry to disappoint the person sitting waiting for me to post, but this is nothing to do with work.

Hi Dawnee,

I will give you a very limited list of things, but you will want to add things specific to your set of health problems so this is a very basic and generic version of supermix, designed to improve your blood quality, reduce any associated depression and improve your ability to absorb iron.

I too was anemic until I gave up meat and made this mixture as a catch all.  It is mainly superfood, herb related and mine is very expensive because it has an awful lot of ingredients.

There follows a limited version, both in terms of cost and specificity, which you may want to try alongside your spirulina, which will certainly help with your vegetable problem.

Long term, the only thing you may need is a liquid B12 to add to it, but otherwise this should go some way towards helping you out of a tight spot.


Spirulina – the space programme approved this as being as nutritious as I previously indicated – this is your life saver ingredient

Wheatgrass – two weeks of wheatgrass will make you feel entirely different about your life

Bladderwrack – it is cheaper than most seaweeds because it is out of fashion, but this will help your urinary tract and the iron problem

diatomaceous earth – this will help with getting your gi system working again and improve hair and skin quality.  It also removes any parasites you may have working against you

msm – skin, digestion,

maca – hormone support

yarrow – hormone, liver and kidney support

silimarin/marsh mallow powder – for your liver

Raw chocolate powder – I use this to make it taste good and add minerals for reproductive and general female health

Barberries – I chuck a handful in every day as they are very good to prevent dementia and encourage the production of brown fat, which is far better than white fat – brown helps you speed up your metabolism and white slows it down, broadly speaking

Ginger – I go through about 10 kilos a month – it is for blood sugar and is anti-cancer

Coriander – for reduction of heavy metal poisoning

This is an extremely limited basic mix and I would use a tablespoon a day in about 2 litres.  You will find other things that relate to your health by looking online, and I recommend this book, which is now free, for you to research other things you might want to add yourself.  You will have to copy, paste sorry.


Good luck, see how you get on with the spirulina first if you want.



Much love,



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