No thanks

“You see the real problem is that you are too bright, too experienced, too fat to be dated without some questions being asked and you don’t seem to be sufficiently ashamed to be kept in your place. You need to understand that you are nothing, you will always be nothing, because if you are nothing we feel like we are something. That is the real reason.”

Nobody will actually ever say that, of course, they will continue to invent mansplaining reasons why I am never to be given a break and why being bereaved simply means I am open to more abuse from increasingly stupid people.

I would like to encounter somebody who is actually capable of resolving problems, not more blaming me and moving on with substandard and unfair behaviour. The real shame is that I am still vulnerable to this bullshit.

I am tired of listening to stories about other people’s problems.  I would like the problems other people have caused me to be resolved and I would like some assurance that there will be no repeat of behaviour like this ever. It is not acceptable.

This is looking increasingly unlikely, and I have rarely, if ever, been surprised.  I watched two unrelated groups of nurses make assumptions and murder my mother to demonstrate that this is how the world works.

Not surprisingly I have very low expectations, and they are getting lower by the day.

I don’t see why I should be an enabler of stuff like this.

I’m tired of being told that people with twenty years less work experience are worthy of deciding what I can and cannot do for a living, and I am tired of people who cannot read a CV, never mind make judgements on who does what.

I am tired of no nice surprises.

I am tired of caring.


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Permission to think

You shouldn’t need it.  Sometimes you do.

Hopefully he will feel a bit better.  It’seems not like he is remotely serious. Probably just in shock.

In the meantime, I am repairing years of physical damage by corsetting up.  Walking about 9 miles a day and back to liquid  rather than eating which clearly does me no good at all.

I am apparently inspired by letting Staring Brat 2 out of thought jail.

It’s not  like he will do anything about it.  Men are endlessly predictable, with few to no exceptions.

So worry not, I haven’t turned into a cougar just yet.


Not back at fighting weight by a long shot.


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Time to rebuild Ina

It may be a false alarm, but I got a day off from Staring Brat 2 today.  Perhaps the English wife managed to persuade him to concentrate on producing some tiresome kids instead.

I was chatting to a friend about something else, and found myself saying this was all these people were likely to do with their lives, so my interest in what they are doing is extremely limited.

Why?  People go through their life stages in the order they do because they are told to conform.

Born, childish when children, teenage rebellion, getting a job, getting married, having kids, feeling old, then becoming old and dying.

It simply does not occur to people that there is an alternative to this.  They persist in watching TV and they are told what to want, what to buy and what the expectations are at their age.

I am very glad that I was born to a father that questioned everything.  I definitely got that gene.  I am not sure how the other three managed to miss that small point.

Even telling people about the risks associated with a brand of water has caused the fear recently.  I informed someone at work about the heavy metal content of a popular brand, and was met with slight contempt.  People who conform are so conditioned to accept that anything branded is what it says it is that showing them how many lies they are told is actually hazardous.

Amusingly, this manifested in Twisty this week, when he unexpectedly came across a Wolfe video.

“He looked – juicy.  He must be on some sort of drug.”

“Yeah, probably a health food related drug.  The dude eats well.”  I replied.

Twisty witnessed me losing 160lb and pretended not to notice.  He then witnessed my mother going from death’s door to as well as she possibly could be whilst the NHS continued to hound me as a witch for burning and he still thinks the NHS are there to heal people.

I dragged him back here, because his health was again in decline, and restarted pineapple, mullein and coffee.  He is now able to sleep again.  When is he going to take the hint?  He has been witnessing my little miracles for years now.

People believe whatever shit they want to believe.  They are a waste of time as a rule.

The website has been rather battered by the nasty stuff that has happened over the last few months.  Without the pests at the previous company, there are very few regulars left.

So, it is time to again rebuild Ina, and see what can be done to reverse this sad trend.  I was rather upset by this last episode, and only just made it out for a walk yesterday.  When I looked in the mirror today I looked as if I had been battered.

This leads me to the conclusion that people are to be ignored rather than being deserving of any care or affection.  This is a gift from Staring Brat 2, which he imparted via the lies of omission and general maliciousness, however I am glad that my core is now freezing cold. It will make it much easier in the weeks ahead.



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Gender imbalance

Twisty was talking about comics again today, so we went over what he remembers about childhood comics:

Male comics consisted of tales of adventure, finding treasure, bonhomie, fighting off the bad guys, being a good egg, generally looking outwards and forwards.

Female comics consisted of crying, being beaten to induce shame, over-valuing friendships, worrying about how you looked.

“OK, so everything you have just said relates to genitals.”  I said.

“I don’t understand what you mean?” He looked confused.

Everything the boys do is pointing outwards, acquisitive, positive, everything the girls do is about shame, not being too proud but trying to persuade the world to be nice to you by being humble and yet well presented.

You see, because I decided at a very early age that I was not at all interested in any of that, my mother knew she was out of her depth.  She tried at various points to understand me, but it was not until my father died that she understood that I was basically him all over again.  Kind of genderless, in many respects.

Twisty would have you believe that I am very girly.  I would say that he is more girly than I, and in tests of brain gender, we have proved over and over that he is the girl and I am the man of our friendship.  I would like to say that this is progressive, but it probably isn’t.

Meanwhile, at work, we have three generations represented in the training group:

Millennials, who will readily accuse you of an ism, and yet don’t appear to know anything about agism and had to be told in no uncertain terms yesterday.

A boomer, who looks like an old man but is only five years older than me, which was a bit of a shocker.

Me, Generation X.  I had to explain why millennials don’t buy houses to the boomer this morning.  Sigh.  Generation X had about 60 percent of the problems millennials have, and it was no less embarassing and frustrating for us as we were too embarrassed to admit it.

I have, however, no patience for agism.  My mother was just killed by agism, and I am tired of stupid people. I went for it yesterday.  I would like to say I had some say in whether I dealt with it, but I really didn’t.  Similar to the Staring Brat 2 situation, the red mist descended and I dealt with them in no uncertain terms.

So, as my search for work continues, I am making a point of mentioning my managerial ability, which I have never done in the past.  Fuck being humble.  I am tired of being stomped on by morons.

I have a few days left to decide if I am going to move from this job to a job where I never have to see anyone again.  It all depends on a further opportunity that came up today, and on a few high level people I am in discussion with at present.

Apart from that, I am delighted for Boris.  I will have my t shirt made forthwith, lovely boy.


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Hey Babe


Glad I caught you.

I’ve been thinking about you all day.  Things are getting much more interesting…

Got very upset with the agism issue today, so who knows what I will be doing tomorrow.

I have a long letter to write.

The staring is now really tired.


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Too cool for school

Today was slightly better, but it remains to be seen if this is doable long term.  I am also being considered for a techy thing that I am fully capable of doing but I think I would benefit from company training as it is media related.

I seem to have acquired a friend, although he is probably about 20, which is rather hilarious. From the sublime to the ridiculous, this is the second time since I turned 40 that this has happened. I am sure his mother will be delighted LOL

Now, when I was 35 this was probably OK, because when I was 35 I was still into emo metal, computer games and had only just stopped drinking and smoking.  Now it is just hilarious.  It is nice to be timeless however.

Speaking of which, we have a dude in this group who is so obsessed with age that I am on the point of saying something.  We had another full day of his wish to off everyone over 70 today.  This is the future.  People who cannot see past the end of their nose.

Anyway, I have cheered up somewhat, although life in the short term looks rather bleak and full of hours and hours of work.  I do like time pressure though, I always get more done when there is only two hours to do it in.

Speaking of which…..

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Wrong Turnings

I wonder how it feels to be somebody’s worst wrong turning?  I imagine if you hate them, you laugh because they made a bad decision.  That makes it easier for you to digest the fact that you are a bad idea in the form of a human.

Everything was going quite well with Ina, since last October, when Wolfe was kind enough to allow me to sort my shit out there.  It was a big deal deciding to face up to it, and he made it far less nightmarish.  He is very kind. (to me anyway)

Boris was also one of my better ideas.  I am very upset that I have been forced into letting him down.

I cannot imagine what it must be like, looking at yourself in the mirror and saying “Isn’t it funny?  I really ruined that woman’s life, for no reason at all!  What a great guy I am!”

The pair of them probably think this achieves something other than making their lives less pleasant whilst I ensure that they don’t do this to anyone else. It is pointless and destructive behaviour.

Today, not for the first time this year, I sat in a room full of millennials and winced at them talking about their ideas about aging (40 is old apparently) apparently in blissful ignorance that I was not even the oldest person in the room, and I found this offensive.  I then watched them object to my walking further than them just to get to work, and reacting with horror that I do not watch TV.

Once upon a time, youth was considered to represent idealism, progress and open-mindedness.  Now it represents a grasping narrow-minded view of themselves and others as they talk about never being out of debt whilst looking for people to eliminate to secure their tenner an hour.

The male who made the comment about elderly 40 year olds has a 1 year old child and 70 thousand pounds worth of debt due to his university course.  He is unlikely ever to pay this off, and has moved to Scotland because he cannot afford accomodation in Reading, where he comes from.  You can look forward to more of this in the future.  If Scotland does not protect herself, she will be trampled in the rush, in fact.

Instead of talking about this problem or – shock horror – dealing with it, these same people will turn around and accuse you of whatever ism comes to hand to shut you up, therefore it is not worth talking to them.  Instead we all have to patiently wait for the penny to drop.  It isn’t my children who will suffer in the future.  I couldn’t afford any, and I was told I would have to take care of my parents to supply a bunch of spoilt boomers with money, apparently.  It certainly wasn’t indicative of caring about their parents.  They manifested that quite clearly.

In the meantime, my friend is repeatedly banging his head off a brick wall trying to get medical treatment from the NHS, who still do not appear to want to investigate and make a diagnosis.  He is persistent in his expectation that they will make him well.

I have explained to him time and time again that as a disabled person on benefits, it is not a good plan to allow the NHS to take over anything, since they killed my mother 7 months ago after a determined few months of telling me they wanted to do it.  He is not safe.

I think we can safely make the assumption, after several experiences like this, that millennials are just as clueless, selfish and blind as boomers, and it is not until somebody is murdering their relatives that they will notice, if at all.  My boomer relatives would still pretend that the NHS were experts at something, and that murdering the elderly is a good thing.  They are elderly themselves now, so I look forward it happening to them.

I hate this job.  My back hates this job.  I need something more active.  These people are dull, narrow minded and hateful.  Just like you.



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If I tolerate this, then your children will be next

So, we were thrashing out why I am still thinking about Staring Brat 2 this evening.  Twisty was concerned that I would want to go to the event earlier as he may turn up.  I didn’t, for much the same reason.

I think it was the need to control me the minute he had a way of doing it that bothered me the most.  Twisty, probably correctly, has mentioned that he thinks the root of his problem is cultural.  He has, however, been in the UK for a decade or so, so why he is pretending to be from Morocco (and dresses like a French Moroccan when in the mood to be admired) I do not know as he was Indian.

This need for controlling my apparently unruly sexuality via the medium of bitching about emails and any possible conversation with a fellow adult who had very good reason for avoiding verbal interactions is extremely disturbing, and it makes it very unsafe for anybody dealing with him.  I stopped speaking to the dude sitting next to me fairly early on as I assumed that he was being made his bitch and regarded him as unsafe, and I believe the dude, who was Pakistani and had been told that SB2 was Moroccan, thought much the same about me until the last week, when he immediately became less unreasonable the minute he knew there was a problem between SB2 and I, although this was unspecified at the time as I was still stupidly protective of him.

I spoke to my Hindu friends online about the issue, as the differing surnames on the companies house listing confused the issue a bit, but they clarified that this was not unusual.  Apparently lying and conning people is not unusual either.  Why this would be necessary, I again do not know as I had resisted quite a few attempts to create drama by this time, which, like everything else, annoyed him.  Apparently being a man involves being controlling, aggressive and making it impossible to communicate at all.

You could put this down to immaturity and the desire for frightened admiration, or you could decide he is just an evil little shit.  I would say that is a personal decision.  I ran him through my narcissism filter, and he came up as too inadequate, so I would stick with my original assumption that he is just suffering from extreme CPTSD.  I have encountered quite a few cases now, and it is, unlike narcissism, curable.  I do hope that his wife managed to get the book, as it might save him eventually if he decides to work on it.

I am a very nice person, and I did not cause harm to any of the people concerned, nor did I ever intend to.  All they had to do was leave me alone, but apparently this was not possible.  Instead they had to neutralise a perceived threat to their fragile and incompetent leadership roles.  This makes no sense at all, since I wasn’t even particularly brilliant at the job at hand, mainly due to the stress.

Today, on facebook, one of the gazillion American authors publicly shamed a tasteless and stupid man who had offered to tickle her cervix.

Yes it is a repulsive line, and no I wouldn’t like it either, but personally I would block, possibly report and leave it at that.  She responded that as a good Christian, she was used to better treatment.

“Why don’t you just grow up and sort your shit out like an adult? We don’t need to know about yet another asshole?”  was my response.  Immediately several men, rather right wing Yanks as it turned out, clicked like.

I do not usually have right wing Yank supporters, however they are responding to the concept.  We are nurturing a generation of whinging wimps, who cannot manage their way out of a paper bag, refuse to think for themselves, and who take out their inadequacy on other people, most especially people who can think for themselves as they are a threat to them.  This is true fascism, where you encourage the mob to turn on people rather than facing up to your own failings.

I explained exactly what had happened to me to one of these men.  He immediately came back with a story of being hounded out of his job on the grounds of anxiety depression.  It took him over a year to get back to the same point on the employment ladder.

It is likely that I will take a shorter period, as the previous job was neither well paid, nor particularly great in terms of prospects.  Even the one I’m doing is better, and it isn’t very good either.  I have a couple of better ones in the pipeline and have secured a bad permanent one for later next month, however the overall effect of three stupid little boys having a laugh at the expense of my job and finances was for me to do the following:

  1. Seek work from home or at night to avoid other people, as they are clearly toxic.
  2. Seek work from anywhere, at any rate, to avoid penury.
  3. Spend 6 weeks doing nothing apart from applying for work.
  4. Question, over and over again whether there was anything I could have done differently with the information presented.
  5. Abandon any hope of the project at hand, as financial recovery is likely to take more than six months.

All this, for the crime of making a nice comment, sending a polite email, and trying to give an emotionally damaged person a book to help them get on with their life.

I must again thank the beautiful girl from the office, for being brave and kind enough to get a message to me, and strangely enough, SB2’s cheeky and stupid wife, for outlining exactly what she had been told.  Otherwise I would have been none the wiser as to the motivation.

Staring Brat 1 is dangerously irrational, and should not be anywhere near staff.  Staring Brat 2 is immature, easily led, and has issues with his manhood, which was far more advanced before any of this happened.  He went from calm and interesting to overblown and unpleasant in under two months.  This is not good.

As for their manager, he was two faced, irresponsible and apparently unaware of basic management skills in terms of protecting staff.  None of them are close to being effective.

All this is very expensive for everyone concerned, but I didn’t create this problem.  I’m just the person that has to solve it.


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Neglecting you

Sorry, I was busy.  I am working at last.

As usual with work, several things came up at once, so I am having to turn down things I wanted to do in order to do the sensible thing, which generates more things I have to go and do to cover everything.

I kind of hate myself for taking the sensible option but there are three things on the table further down the line to put myself in a better spot, and the opportunity I have taken up has options of its own.

Still uncomfortably attached, despite the passage of time, so I am trying to strategise meeting somebody a bit more viable whilst I work on getting my health back on track.  I was in such a state of panic over money that I had to focus on that for a while.

I cannot believe I am still actually thinking about this.  This is not sensible.  My prescription is harsh focus on health and work. Once I have this job properly set up I still have to find another one that pays for artwork only. I have put on weight due to the focus on finding work, so I have to deal with that rather quickly as it is depressing.

It is nice that the immediate problem is now solved, but it would be considerably more convenient if it was solved in full.  A potential solution has been impeded by disorganisation at the employer end, but at least a small money supply will be resumed next week or so.

In the meantime, how the heck do people meet each other?  How does one rule out the duds quicker? Are people at all worthwhile?

Found myself eyeing up a woman the other day and to my surprise she was actually interested.  Given that any bisexuality is usually extremely covert, I was incredibly surprised. I’m obviously lonely.

A very important person got in touch with me about the previous issue, so I am hoping that this will finally resolve that situation.  All that seems to have happened so far is a lot of buck-passing children protecting their asses.

Remember kids, nobody genuinely gives a shit about you. Isn’t that comforting?



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