I have a pile of stuff to complete before I can start any more, which is cramping my style somewhat.
It strikes me, as I optimise the blog, that I spend a lot of time crediting Wolfe for stuff that is really nothing to do with him. I have kind of dumped anything good about myself on someone who hasn’t even been particularly pleasant. I wonder why I am doing that?
Have I really got to the point where I cannot even acknowledge myself anymore? Has everything that has happened taken me to the point where I am not safe to achieve anything? If this is the case, I really need to address it.
Over the years prior to my apparent obsession with giving things to somebody equally obsessed with taking from elsewhere, I tried to give presents to many people. Most of the time, my mother told me that I was being crazy by wanting to give anything to anyone. She used to hang her head in shame, as if giving people presents was some sort of mental aberration. The rest of my life was perfectly normal, i just liked making weird gifts for passing strangers.
I always felt this was particularly odd for a religious person. Surely the whole point of religion is to make you nicer to other people, I thought? No, apparently it is just to make you feel shame.
Any residual trace of shame was eradicated in the course of my silent war with Wolfe. It is not that I think he is wrong – quite the contrary – he has given far more, to far more people than I ever could. I am his complete opposite however. I apparently believe that giving always involves expense to me, whereas he has found a way of making it work for him.
I have been optimising the website today, as a prelude to it being recrawled, then I will take a look at Adsense to make it pay for itself and hopefully promote itself elsewhere. I do not know how many people will be interested in looking at a lot of weird objects, but if I am making them, and nobody is accepting my gifts, then they might as well be shown off.
Likewise, I should be concentrating on making Ina write for money elsewhere, rather than bothering with more tedious jobs to pay for more materials whilst I take care of my mother. I have good ideas about these things, and then fall into a horrified pit where I talk myself out of doing anything remotely progressive.
Sometimes it would be nice just to have some encouragement. Despite some compliments, and some terrible advice, I have had no encouragement at all with the Ina Disguise project, primarily because of its association with Wolfe to start off with. My friends seemed to think it was exclusively about him. When a tree develops a branch or two, you do not immediately assume that it needs a reason, now do you?
Anyway, there are now 230 odd posts on this site. Most of them can be optimised, and I will complete this in the next couple of days before starting work on updating the youtube channel. I need to rethink the whole thing.
To begin with, it was a revelation to me that I could just throw work out there and people would enjoy it anyway. I am more interested in academic writing, and word vomit was not my previous MO. Word vomit, however, is what people actually read. A very popular Yank blogger was talking at me about writing 6000 words in 3 hours the other day. His quality must be shit, I reasoned, until I mentioned it to my friend, who said that yes, word vomit is what people want. The internet must be bursting at the seams with it.
Anyway, enough rebellion for one day. I should have been respected and able to give presents if I wanted to. Ina would not exist if I had just been able to do that. Why would that be difficult for anyone to understand?
Many thanks to the follower of Osho for the photo that accompanies today’s rant.