This is going to be a complicated post, complete with hideous scenarios and consequences.
The question is whether I should take a gamble on myself, in the form of tolerating a social situation I do not want to be in, in order to see a person that probably does not want to see me.
Risks of attending
He does not want to see me. There is significant evidence to suggest that this is the case, and no evidence at all that this is not the case. I tried emailing in advance, and my messages were both ignored by the company dealing with it.
I become irate within minutes of attempting to listen, because I currently cannot bear listening for a variety of historic reasons.
I have to speak to people.
I am ridiculed.
My mother would have to go into care, risking her diet, and my cats would have to go into a cattery for a couple of days whilst I locked the house up. This is also complicated by social services involvement. It is also a very expensive operation.
I look hideous and this affects the purpose of my attendance as the person certainly gave the impression of being extremely superficial and undervaluing me on my last futile attempt at contact or rational conversation, which is what started this project in the first place.
I am regarded as some sort of monster and am treated like dirt. (again)
Possible pay-offs
I resolve a problem that has been crippling me and my work for the last seven years. If so, I instantly gain about thirty life points in terms of confidence.
He might actually be pleased to see me. (unlikely, but possible)
The people might be OK.
I need a break anyway, and maybe this is sufficiently selfish to make up for a few years of garbage in the past.
The fact that I have a life outside this situation might shock a few people into behaving like humans.
My mother’s health is unlikely to improve, and so it is the last chance to do it for probably five years or so. Also my own age is a factor due to this person’s probable attitude.
Why do I even want to do this? I didn’t before. I just think I might regret it if I don’t. He has had ample opportunity to speak to me, and been given ample reason for doing so. Why should I not expect to be treated like an adult?
On the other hand, maybe I need to take control of this situation in order to stop thinking about it.
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