Apparently the latest in marketing bullshit involves introducing stressed men to the concept of mindfulness. Mindfulness, as it turns out, appears to be the new word for meditation, or as my friend would say ‘switching everything off and concentrating on thinking about nothing.’
Personally, when I need to make space for extended periods of military ‘regrouping,’ I make something. Depending on how complicated the (usually emotional) issue is, it can take from two to six months to figure out. Switching off involves creating something.
I find the idea of making nothingness a thing a bit ridiculous to be honest, I prefer a good blow-out in the form of tantrum, followed by activity of some kind. This may seem ridiculous, since I am not really achieving anything these days, but there it is. I apparently believe relaxation is time-wasting. This, according to these articles, is my male brain talking, however I have never noticed a particularly negative gender divide when it came to meditation. It is second only to yoga for people who like getting touchy feely with relative strangers.
Speaking of time-wasting, I have declined the Microsoft contract and am working on the games instead. It took only three hours before I realised what a huge mistake I was making in terms of potentially giving up twenty hours a week to do a job comparing search engine results instead of building up Ina. There are a couple of other companies interested, so we will see if they have something less tedious on offer.
I spent years doing terrible jobs, I have nothing to show for it apart from some pretty mediocre memories. The only thing that has been good about my current predicament is that I have had time to do other things.
So, today I went to university and sorted out my campus passes to renew my research for the Boris book. I resigned, in true prisoner style, and I drank a lot of supermix. The supermix appears to have removed the giant emotional lump in my chest, which meant that I was weeping rather a lot last night. It is as big a mystery to me as anyone why thinking about Wolfe, even briefly, causes such grief.
I imagine it is similar to a former friend, who told me that he could not grieve for his grandparents, but became hysterical over some baby mice that failed to survive two months later. The difference in this case, is that I am grieving for my sick family, lost potential and lack of power to do anything about it as long as I am the best option for taking care of my mother. I am terrified to leave her side at the moment as we have been under such scrutiny for the last couple of months.
I also purchased some Gynostemma pentaphyllum and some rosehip, with a view to promoting some AMPK. Since I cannot afford the extracts, we shall see if the combination helps with promoting youthful cell renewal. Nearly bought some Griffonia seed, but I think it can wait a while as my problem appears to be low dopamine rather than low seratonin. I am quite the fan of Durk and Sandy.