At last, the website is back to its usual level of nonentity.
Apart from a few unusual hits from London, which I am hoping indicates investigation of the company, and an unusually engaged individual looking at my actual work, we have peace and quiet once more.
Oddly a few contracts have just come up, all of which pay better and have better experience than the previous one.
Applied for probably sixty jobs yesterday, before and after my disastrous meeting with the ex. I won’t be making that mistake again.
Now I am considering how best to deal with this apart from the obvious ones.
Most companies are too slow in this day and age. If you will make it impossible for people to be flexible in terms of actually being able to eat, then you have to speed up employment processes.
Not sure how I feel about everything else, apart from that the world is a dangerous and nasty place, and it is getting worse all the time. People can no longer survive on their own, which is neither prudent nor right.
If what I suspect is going on is correct, and the pointers indicate that it is, I still need to consider what more I can do to protect people in the future.
First, make sure you are not at all interested in anything she has to say.
Then dominate the conversation with your imaginary superiority, based on half-assed references to things she might have heard of, or, if you are particularly dull-witted, things she might have seen on TV.
Ignore any concerns she may have or anything she might be feeling.
Allow yourself to be intimidated by anything she might have done that you are incapable of.
Don’t, for any reason, show any interest in anything she is doing or volunteer to be remotely helpful.
Refer to people she doesn’t like or know as if they are vastly superior.
Do not allow yourself to pay her a compliment or give her any reason to suspect that you are anything but the same lousy shit she dumped thirty years ago.
Then, after all that, try to go home with her on the expectation that she would find any of the above remotely attractive because presumably she is now bored and depressed enough to want to bonk you senseless.
Where is the kind and considerate person that wants to just be reasonably nice to me in a kind of biting and scratching context? Where is the time-wasting passion? Where is the interest?
My friend in the Gambia got in touch with me to ask how I was and try and worm his way back in yesterday. I sent him a few computers last year, and I assume he thinks I can send him some more.
“How is your mother?”
“Dead. They killed her at Christmas. They tried to kill her in May last year, and I stopped them.”
“What?” The idea of killing somebody when you don’t have to is astonishing when you come from a country where medical care is administered somewhat differently.
Ex-boyfriend number 1 also got a shock when he asked this question. I’m heading out to see him today.
I, of course have been blasting my head with music pretty much constantly ever since it happened. I am the world’s expert at distraction.
Every so often I think she is here, and I rush off to do something for her, and obviously then I remember. She was not an easy person to get to know, but we figured it out eventually. I wasn’t the daughter she wanted, but then the daughter she wanted didn’t give a flying fuck about her, which wasn’t terribly helpful. She was brought up to be a little Tory, and little Tories don’t get help when they need it. They just assume it happens by magic. She was insisting even when we got to the palliative stage that she didn’t need a carer.
Aside from that, dealt with the work issue as best I could without it hurting anybody that matters. I’ve done as much as I can do, which is more than anyone else would do. Now moving on to better things.
I think the main thing is not to let people get in the way. Whilst obviously the newer short stories are more polished and coherent, I don’t think it was a worthy trade-off. I really liked SB, thankfully not to the point of being stupid, or things could have been even worse. I do wonder about the trade-off he has made. The determination to be invisible and lack of connection is quite distressing.
I used to have an equally beautiful and discombobulated French-Lebanese boyfriend who adored me. He was so shot up by the stuff that had happened to him that lengthy conversations about ‘nice’ things abounded, and I quickly found I couldn’t stand it. I was quite relieved when he moved away. Poor Michel. He had been through a lot.
Unfortunately, what happens to people with PTSD is that other people use them. They use them because they can. I don’t know who is yanking the chain in this case for sure, but whoever it is is not a person you want yanking your chains.
I am going to spend some time catching up with more serious writing, and then I will get back to work on the performance art. At the moment it is more of a case of repairing the damage and trying to limit the amount that can be done in the future. For this reason, I suggest he plays along with my proposed solution, which is by far the least harmful I could come up with. I managed this whilst irate, which is a testament to my logical processing, really.
It is most interesting, how this is being regarded. The idea now is to instantly forget negative things and push on to the next part of the conveyor belt. Nobody cares what happens to you, nobody cares if you have any rights, nobody has any responsibility.
As a very old-school type that protects their staff, deals with their own problems, helps other people where they can, this never stops shocking me. Everyone I met this morning at my breakfast meeting had a story. The worst one was a legal financial services abuse story, about which none of the thousands of people who have to implement it are likely to do anything.
Hence, even before the Conservatives erode things still further, nobody has any rights, nobody has any responsibility and nobody cares. From a situation twenty years ago where I was barking at companies for failing to manage their data properly, we now have a situation where nobody knows what management means, as far as they are aware it is something to do with having power over other people and making the paperwork look correct.
It is exhausting and terrifying living in a world like this, where people like SB are free to express their insanity by taking it out on other people. I am a very bottom line thinker, and my feeling was that if we cut to the bottom line and dealt with the health issue, other things would subside. It was not until I was told that the stuff I had seen related to probable coercion that I became furious.
So, there is still action to be taken, because in the normal course of events, any flow of information is now likely to be impeded by normal means. Nobody wants bad news, and nobody cares what happens to anyone.
At least part of the problem is better, but I imagine some things will be worse.
Anyway, it certainly seems as if I should entirely ignore the implications of being falsely accused of stuff that isn’t relevant.
Sending an email and giving people books has never been causes for accusations and professional detriment in my experience, and I frankly want to see this company hauled over the coals for it. They detected vulnerability because of my grief, and they exploited it.
I had already dealt with the immediate problem when they decided to make things worse, and I was told, as if this was some gospel truth, that they ‘had to be seen to be doing their jobs.’ Their job is not to make people frightened or make sure they have no income. Their job as managers is to make it possible for people to work without being terrified by a mentally ill, corrupt individual who feeds on terror.
Ironically I had had a t shirt made ten days ago, ‘because we matter’ being the slogan. It arrived today. I didn’t find it funny.
Like most of the lawyers that I know, Rachel is driven.
So, today’s burning question is – is there such a thing as being too driven?
The answer is yes, but it has taken me decades to accept it and understand why. During my first career nothing stopped me, however within 2 years of leading teams in my twenties I had many bad habits bashed out of me, including:
Over-discipline whilst being a soft touch: People retain the bad bits and forget the good. All that happens is that they are extremely surprised when you are nice to them. As I was saying about being double-talked – fear is not actually all that helpful for most jobs. Tough benevolence is better in terms of your team’s perception than Soft Terror. eg. Presenting yourself as being fun and very helpful will gather more intelligence and awareness of the team’s current strengths and weaknesses than austerity. It also seems ridiculous to up targets when people are still worried about quality levels, however if you want to do this, you need to up the confidence level of the team generally, and you cannot do this without humour.
Presenting the negative before the positive: I used to work with an academic who teetered around the edges of the emotional intelligence movement – you may want to look up PositivePsychology for this one – telling people that “they must achieve or else” is far less effective than telling them they are doing a good job, and you want to help them get even better.
Not allowing people to have their own terms: I have, in the past, been presented with carved vegetables from staff who absolutely loved me despite me working them into the ground twenty hours a day. Be aware that even at your worst, if you are expressing something about yourself you are contributing to group effort rather than imposing a structure that is not necessarily helpful.
Class structures: In the UK in particular, we have to be extremely class sensitive. I, as a posh person who happens to swear quite a lot, have had a lot of issues with staff who believed that they were working in a glorified death camp, with all the associated rules.
It is far better to retain a certain level of humility when managing, again this facilitates communication. If people feel, as they did a few weeks ago, that they are contributing to a group effort they will put more work in than if they feel you are behind them with a giant socio-economic whip. By this I mean, be careful of creating artificial structures which inadvertently exclude people. People will follow your example, so you need to encourage a spirit of cooperation. At one point I had a devout Catholic Irish boy working with an Apprentice Boy from Northern Ireland. (sworn enemies) It was not easy, but I managed to make it work.
Dealing with Senior Management: Whilst they do like you to recognise where you are in the food chain, senior management do not like a crawler. Being too nice is as bad as not caring. It is important to present a piece of less pleasant information alongside every good bit to present an image of integrity. Failing to do so implies you are hiding something.
I will do a few more posts on this, but this will do just now.
I have never been remotely interested in married people. With Wolfe, this was not discovered for years, and even when it was it was kind of irrelevant because if you can’t accept that Wolfe is a bit of a slapper, you wouldn’t last long as a potential partner anyway.
Likewise, Boris has an evident agreement with his childhood sweetheart, and in neither case was an outcome likely.
So today, I am talking about the kind of married people that want to have extra-marital guilt sex because they think their genitals are, for the reason of them having tied them to someone else legally, far more exciting than everyone else’s.
Trust me when I tell you your genitals are just as boring and emotional distress is not an interesting or happy state to be in. In order to find someone that thinks otherwise, you are probably better going for immature, bitter, spoilt and preferably stupid people who get off on being miserable.
Personally, I would regard it as a character defect to be reduced to bonking husbands, so I have never found it remotely appealing. The kind of women who tell themselves that this is ‘no strings fun’ are rather sad and have usually been terribly betrayed themselves.
I rather prefer my over-optimism. I will probably never see the charming, witty and fierce individual that I have in my head, but I am not ruining anyone else’s party finding out.
So, married people, keep your tedious genitalia to yourself and save it for your squawking brats, paying the mortgage and stop wasting everyone else’s time.
Got some more products for Ina underway. I think I would like to add a bunch of logo based products to some of the print-on-demand lines and maybe actually add the link to the website as things are a bit bitty at the moment. (I started a project with Wolfe’s face on VIDA, and haven’t done any more with it.
Working on the screenplay for my film director ex, who is now sitting downstairs with fake Boris and DOING MY HEAD IN with nagging. This is the hazard of making people well, really, isn’t it?
We need to establish that the camera is talking to the computers this morning too.
It is so nice to be able to make some progress. I actually feel physically better as a result. Managed to get 12k in yesterday.
Now aware of being unpleasantly besotted with the IBM, but being able to think about it without actual terror is a huge relief.
I wish I could say that I am a more cool and disengaged person generally as it would probably make my workflow less erratic, but I do seem to be a bundle of emotional nerves generally and it is probably quite central to my work.
A more interesting IBM short story is on the way, possibly today, but we shall see how it goes with the screenplay and sorting out the camera issues before I think about getting the car back.
Trying to think how best to approach getting better at the actual job. I evidently have issues with the process. It ought to be obvious, but my brain is not liking it, so I have to think around the problem. I am sure I will think of something before my return to work.
So happy to be at home. I looked into the alternatives yesterday, and short of buying a very cheap aircraft hangar, I am afraid I, and indeed anyone, would rather be here. The selfish little shits will just have to spend their own money rather than mine.
And so begins the mammoth and obstacle ridden journey towards being Ina Disguise whilst persuading the IBM of my sometimes honorable intentions.
If you want to change your life, the first thing to do is change your self-perception.
If you want to change someone else’s, the first thing to do is change their self-perception.
This, I have learned over the years, can be positive or negative, and even at my strongest ever, I have serious problems when I am challenged. This is for a variety of reasons, the main one being the residual symptoms of CPTSD. This weakness makes my reaction to irrational or illogical insults a little bit slow.
I simply do not understand why I am, like Boris, a magnet for bile. Herd mentality means that once one sheep baas, several more follow no matter what you do, and the only real solution to it is to completely ignore it and carry on being your own positive and definitive self.
I have got a lot better at strategy with large groups however, and I am hoping that I retain this implicit knowledge and put it to good use. I have no idea of the rules of the wall game, but losing to win is working well for me.
I am wearing my logo a lot at the moment, for my own benefit as much as anyone else’s. It makes the other things I do make sense. The bigger picture is always positive, always positive, always positive.
I am bored stiff with the cabling issue now. They have arrived, but do not work with the director and editors Mac. This means I will have to do the editing and it is very time consuming. I also need to verify that it can be done on the computers here. It is all tiresome in the extreme.
I have managed to fix the sick film director. I dragged him back up here and fed him pineapple and coffee every time he woke up. It took roughly six hours to get him on his feet, and at the twelve hour point he is breathing easily and able to consider doing things other than bore me senseless about his imminent death. Even someone who has seen me fix my health issues twice, in the form of extreme weight loss and age reversal, and who witnessed me saving my mother’s life when the NHS couldn’t, apparently needs me to stand over him with a sharpened stick poking the stuff down his throat.
He is now well enough to be demanding a spanking. He has been asking for this for seventeen years now, and I still can’t be bothered, so I am not sure how long he thinks it will take before I get around to it.
Such is life in the beehive. I will be working all night tonight, as the air pressure issue is making me rather sleepy just now.
Don’t worry Boris, all this will pass, and it will be fine. By order! I want to see a book on someone better than Churchill the killer.