As time goes by (yet another David Wolfe post)

It honestly feels like months since my last post, but it was actually only five days ago.

I am going to the Wolfe event after all.  This may seem very odd, but it is time I did something selfish for the sake of my sanity.  I felt that it was unlikely that I would be able to do it for a few years so it was now or never.

There are several options as to how this will go down:

1.  He hates me, and will do something horrible like suddenly realise who I am and prevent me from attending once I have gone to all the trouble of actually getting there.

2.  He plays a horrible practical joke on me, which I would probably deserve after all these years.

3.  He does not know that I exist at all. (I doubt it, since he gives online stuff about him an Assange level of attention, which means he spends a great deal of time on that smartphone looking himself up)

4. He chooses to ignore me entirely, which I would again probably deserve.

5. He actually felt exactly as I did and is as similar to me as I thought he was, in which case he will be cautiously pleased to see me, with caveats.

6. He liked me more than I thought he did, in which case it will be a very strange experience indeed.

All I want to do is discuss my book and the game, both of which are designed to benefit him.  The book because I would like to ensure that he reads it at the very least, and the game because it has business implications.  Anything beyond that would be unexpected, and frankly it will be a miracle if I get that far.

In the meantime the preparation going into this is astonishing, and I haven’t even started on going through the research material yet.  In the last three days I have walked about 50km from sheer nerves.

I am still a little fat lady, albeit with bizarrely good skin, so I am hoping that I do not find myself feeling like an alien at an event which promoted itself as being full of hippy fanchicks and pale bodybuilder types.  I assume that this is not strictly the audience, although I note from the material sent to me so far that more than the first 80 tickets have apparently sold, so I may just melt into the crowd.

For the sake of reassurance, I am not attending this event as Ina Disguise the entity, but as my shy and retiring self, so I do not forsee too much in the way of drama coming from me.

Considering that I am still unable to watch any of his videos, I am not sure how I will react to this, but I am hoping that watching the audience will be as fascinating as I think it will be.

I am now going to go and read ‘Rhetoric of Economics’  to put myself in more of a ‘me’ mood.

 

Continue Reading

David Wolfe Uk Event update 2017 (sigh)

I have two weeks left to see if I can attend the event that I was still trying to stop myself attending.  I have decided to stop asking myself permission.  I am not very nice to myself as a rule.

I have not had any flat out refusals, the big issue at the moment is care for my mother, which will be very expensive.

Should Wolfe happen to drop in on the blog, NOW would be a good time to object rather than after I have made the relevant arrangements, as Birmingham is amongst many of the countless things I hate about doing any of this.  You can do this via Tree of Life or by leaving a comment, which I can then hide.

It was extremely funny this morning trying to explain who he was without actually saying it.  I still cannot imagine actually doing this.  I have run through several scenarios so far, none of them particularly glorious.  I am trying to calculate how big a book I need to hide behind and whether I require a heavy veil and irritating hat.

 

Toodle Pip, I will hopefully know later in the week.

 

Ina

 

Continue Reading

Narcissism and other Pop Diagnoses

My Sweet Somatic Narcissist – it’s free

 

I wrote the above story this week, and duly punted it for a couple of days.  The first four copies were poorly edited, so if anyone got one of these, my apologies.

Having spent the last week or so investigating the matter, I have come to the conclusion that you can easily get sucked into a vortex of extremely complex self-evaluation as a result of investigating this topic.  I would just like to reassure any potential readers of the above free story, that it is not particularly heinous or ‘victim’ orientated.  In fact, Kate responds reasonably well to her 18 months or so.  I did leave out some stuff, but it was more about poor self-management than drama.

So, today the mild panic was over whether I am an Inverted Narcissist  – someone who seeks relationships with narcissists because they know what to expect and seek validation from tolerance of narcissistic behaviour.  Given that I am drawn to complicated relationships, and that I have had a few narcissistic people in my life, I wondered whether this was a possibility.

Whilst I certainly don’t seek to cure people of whatever their problem is, I have probably shown too much flexibility in terms of tolerance in the past, and should be valuing my emotional and physical safety more highly.  I am also highly practiced at managing the feeding of narcissists, evidently, which is why I have managed fairly long term relationships with some very difficult people.  I do also suffer from flash rages, which are, I think more evidence that I was brought up in a large house where I could easily go and chuck a tantrum and avoid dealing with problems face to face, rather than evidence of CPTSD.  I could go down the other road, and investigate whether I am suffering from dependency issues etc, but I think it is healthier to develop a harder core and go ahead and do what I am capable of.

Therefore, I would like this blog post to be a warning to other people like me, who discover that the answer to some unanswerable questions is that you are dealing with people suffering from a variety of personality disorders.  Your trauma is yours, and you do not necessarily require intervention or company.  As I have said to many people in the past, feeding the sharks is not necessarily a good idea.  Sometimes it is a good idea to starve your particular shark and go and do something else.  It is not so much a question of avoidance, as a willingness to say OK, I think I will close that chapter and move onto something else.

In the more distant past, I moved on successfully from being an angry teenager to being a highly productive twenty something, and a stupidly caring thirty and forty something.  I got some answers this week, as to why I was so angry to start with, and why I am taking the very odd path that I am currently taking.  I do not think that this is justification to question or alter that path, as I think it is a positive development.  In many ways the Wolfe project is continuously positive.  I have rarely been so happy to avoid hating someone on the grounds of it being obvious to do so.

This does not mean that I will not be carefully considering the new information that I have, yes, I have been ‘mobbed’ by my family for several years, yes, I have made a lot of mistakes with people, and yes, I have developed some symptoms of trauma.  However, the knowledge of this does not change the validity of what I am currently doing or plan to do, especially as it does not involve harming anybody and might help a great number of people if I can pull it off.    Even a few years ago this would have thrown me a bit off-balance, as I would have sought to ‘fix’ the problem.  Now, I think ‘meh.’

Feel the fear, and do it anyway.  Additional information is a good thing, using it as an excuse to stop moving forward is not.

Continue Reading

Where do you want to be in five years time?

Well, it seems like nobody wants to answer my complicated question. I guess I should write a more interesting post.  I was just watching a yank video on emotional problems, as usual money was mentioned, and it asked where I wanted to be in five years time?

I was actually just discussing this on youtube a couple of days ago.  The great thing about not climbing any sort of ladder until later in life, is that your youth is kind of artificially preserved by your lack of self-definition.

I have always answered the above questions in interview by relating it to the particular job I am trying to get, so I have never really had an answer to this question.

At the moment, I plan to have resolved my health issues permanently, have at least 70 books out and have sufficient downloads to consider monetizing them, have sold some artwork (I have not rushed at this, since I do not want to either sell crap, or have to spend money on advertising that I need for creating)  and possibly have a small computer game enterprise on the go.  In the event the original book (it does have a working title)  is complete by then, I will also be putting actual work into advertising that.

What I do not plan to be doing is having another shitty relationship with somebody that doesn’t think well of me.  That has been a lengthy waste of time in the past.  I would like to have snapped out of it entirely by now, but clinging to things that really don’t matter and that should not affect my life that much have kind of held this back. I need to stop hiding behind other people.

If you have emotional confidence issues, you are likely to spend your time with other people with confidence issues, which leads to a kind of vortex of self-doubt.  Sometimes, if you want to grow out of it, you have to spend some time alone.

Pleasing such people is a waste of time, since it is kind of locked into the relationship that anything you do is likely to be regarded as sub-standard.  This affects the most surprising of people, including people that should really know better.  If you are self-critical, it also feeds that monster.

I have also learned, to my cost, that other cultures do not understand the notion of ‘friendly fire.’  British people are very fond of it, to ascertain views, explore topics and gain momentum in terms of communication.  Other cultures expect undying admiration, and they are not likely to understand when you point out defects in the course of trying to establish communication.

So, next time somebody asks you where you want to be in five years time, try to think about your personal answer to that question, unrelated to your current employment, friends or family.  The answer may lead to a more radical change than you expected.

 

 

Continue Reading

A complicated question

This is going to be a complicated post, complete with hideous scenarios and consequences.

The question is whether I should take a gamble on myself, in the form of tolerating a social situation I do not want to be in, in order to see a person that probably does not want to see me.

Risks of attending

He does not want to see me. There is significant evidence to suggest that this is the case, and no evidence at all that this is not the case.  I tried emailing in advance, and my messages were both ignored by the company dealing with it.

I become irate within minutes of attempting to listen, because I currently cannot bear listening for a variety of historic reasons.

I have to speak to people.

I am ridiculed.

My mother would have to go into care, risking her diet, and my cats would have to go into a cattery for a couple of days whilst I locked the house up.  This is also complicated by social services involvement.  It is also a very expensive operation.

I look hideous and this affects the purpose of my attendance as the person certainly gave the impression of being extremely superficial and undervaluing me on my last futile attempt at contact or rational conversation, which is what started this project in the first place.

I am regarded as some sort of monster and am treated like dirt. (again)

Possible pay-offs

I resolve a problem that has been crippling me and my work for the last seven years.  If so, I instantly gain about thirty life points in terms of confidence.

He might actually be pleased to see me.  (unlikely, but possible)

The people might be OK.

I need a break anyway, and maybe this is sufficiently selfish to make up for a few years of garbage in the past.

The fact that I have a life outside this situation might shock a few people into behaving like humans.

My mother’s health is unlikely to improve, and so it is the last chance to do it for probably five years or so.  Also my own age is a factor due to this person’s probable attitude.

 

Why do I even want to do this?  I didn’t before.  I just think I might regret it if I don’t.  He has had ample opportunity to speak to me, and been given ample reason for doing so.  Why should I not expect to be treated like an adult?

On the other hand, maybe I need to take control of this situation in order to stop thinking about it.

Should you wish to give an actual answer, the comments box appears below.  You do not need to give a real email address.

 

Continue Reading

Is your happiness the most important thing?

If my happiness was the most important thing to me, everybody around me would be worse off. My friend ‘Leon’ would have never seen me again after the assault, my health would be better, Wolfe would probably have met me by now and would certainly have had a large present that he did not want, his agent would have had sore ears from my dealing with her, the avocadess would not be very happy, the book would be written, regardless of market, my mother would be dead, this house would be gone, my siblings would have no inheritance, my old friend Aldous would never have experienced shooting, my cats would still be waiting for a home.  I would not have bothered making any more art.

Is your happiness really the most important thing?

Right now, if my happiness was the most important thing, I would be out trying to find some unsuspecting male, which, given the attitude of some men would not be a particularly joyful or interesting experience.  I was told only today that women over 35 are a waste of time.  I guess we are too challenging for this dude.  All the more for me, I replied.

Maybe the pursuit of happiness itself is a risk not worth taking.  Low risk living is, however, in itself not a happy or brave experience.

Perhaps we should take it from this that avoidance of regret is more important than happiness.  You do what you can live with.  As I have said before, life is a series of trade-offs. Maybe that is the answer.

Maybe being polite is a bad thing.  Maybe we should all take the motivational attitude that you keep pushing until you get whatever it is that you want, at any cost.  This would make for a deeply unpleasant and unstable world, but at least we could say that we have gone after our bliss at any cost.

The problem with this is that our bliss changes from minute to minute, and what we think will make us happy is not necessarily what genuinely will.  Therefore we have a margin of risk aversion to stop us from being too impulsive.

I find that medium to long-term goal setting stops me from being too impulsive, whether happy or sad. If I am sad it stops me from doing anything too damaging, and if I am happy it stops me from being too selfish or smug.  I am still not sure that I rate happiness highly enough.  I am just happy not to be a shit.

Continue Reading

Another David Wolfe post in memory of my father

David Wolfe post in memory of my father

Ten years ago, nearly to the day, my father’s life was ended in an NHS hospital.  The hospital in question used to exist to terminate elderly and terminally ill patients, so that the statistics were all at the same location.  Whilst it was a superficially nice place, it was the equivalent of taking your pet to the vet for the last time.

My father had vascular dementia, which I knew very little about at the time.  Nevertheless, I made sure that he was able to stay at home for as long as possible.  My mother, not the most proficient of carers, would not have lasted as long as she did had she not had someone there.  She still lied about the help I was providing until she was not listened to by the rest of the family anyway.

A lifelong socialist and pacifist, my father rebelled by marrying my mother, whom he met on the shores of Lake Geneva, despite both being from Glasgow.  His family were very well known communist/extreme trade unionists in Glasgow.  My great grandfather was behind the revolution that had tanks in George Square.

A large proportion of my father’s family rejected him when he bought this house and married a militarist Conservative, although my mother was not the most thoughtful of political thinkers.  He never told her, she was quite shocked when I broke it to her a couple of years ago.

During WW2, he and his friends were conscientious objectors.  One was jailed for it, but later had a very respectable life and did quite well.  This would not happen now, of course.  My father was sent to work in the forests as he had defended himself in court and it was established that he had rather obscure religious reasons for his communitarian beliefs and seven single widowed aunts from WW1 to support.

His interest in natural health was so obsessive that it cost quite an astonishing amount even when I was growing up in the 70s.  We had a dehydrator going and sprouts along the window sills.

He was a very quiet, humorous individual, who you did not get to know unless you showed some interest.  Therefore I was told the family secrets even my mother did not get to hear.  I have to say, since his death I have become more and more like him.  My attitude to Wolfe has been much like my father’s love affair with this house.  When he failed to secure it on the first attempt, he shuffled around muttering “that was my house” until the person who had bought it changed his mind and sold it to him.

If anyone deserved to be saved by my persistent interest in natural health, it was my father.  I did try to extract him from the clutches of the NHS, but to no avail as my mother had just had a stroke and was considered ‘a handful,’ although there was no question of my having any support at the time.  I was just expected to manage, regardless of anything going on in my life.

What really gets me annoyed is the fact that within two days of being in that hellhole he was drugged because he was considered difficult.  When I challenged this, I was flatly told that he was suddenly in pain.  He was still capable of speech and eating normally prior to this.  Within three months he was less than half the weight and we were told that he must not even drink anything.

The figures for Alzheimer’s deaths in Scotland indicate that this is deliberate policy.  I can see that the NHS regard aging as an unacceptable burden, and that they are trying to take quality of life into account, what I do not understand is why the alternatives are so frightening to them.  I am still suffering from an invasion of nurses who appear to think I should be burnt as a witch because my mother is still alive, despite their best efforts.

I am, rather helpfully, very angry about what happened to my father, and about the continuous bitching and battling I have to do to protect my mother.  Anger is a useful energy.  I daresay it is considered negative in some circles.  Personally I think it is the best fuel ever.

Continue Reading

What happened to the last decade?

Over the last decade, I went from being a Senior Banking Consultant, government researcher and corporate researcher to now being a fledgling author and artist.  During all of this time I was renovating and maintaining a mansion which will never belong to me and taking care of my parents.

At the beginning of this period, I had around six ex-boyfriends who used to come and visit, thankfully missing each other in the process and helping out if they felt like it.  None of them were particularly keen to get me out of my shell, they kind of delivered themselves like pizzas as and when they were not busy.

Overall, the crucial years from the age of 25, a long time ago now, were taken up with my parents and family.  I had previously been a successful chef, and was out-earning the rest of the family when I was told that I was to take care of things as nobody else would do it.  I could have ignored this, but it turned out to be a statement of fact.

I only really realised that my life was over at around 33 or so, when it proved impossible to get decent employment locally, and I could not leave my mother to take care of my father alone as she was not a natural carer by any means.

So, from being absolutely work-obsessed, driven and very keen on pretty poor quality relationships with equally lazy boys, I have become a loner, who slowly moves towards a life of self-expression, for good or ill.

My friend from Slovenia, who I got to know when building the island in Second Life, is now married and is contemplating, at 40, having a child.  I am contemplating the fact I will never have a child as I do not leave the house and have no prospect of forming any new relationships.  The old ones were curtailed as a result of my overwhelming feelings for Wolfe.  I do not regret this at all.  In many ways he was an excuse to move on from a rather stagnant life.  Nor do I genuinely envy anybody.  I just feel rather despondent at the moment and am struggling a bit with the idea of moving on with no goal in mind.

As it is evident that I will never trust anyone enough to have a child with them now, I am inclined to focus on my appearance as a major project that I can spend a lot of time thinking about.  I also need to resolve some of the issues that caused my current problem set in the first place – the fact that I never felt that I looked good enough, the fact that I have insufficient real emotional support to let things go easily, (my reaction to Wolfe was most uncharacteristic)  the fact that I have failed to get any of the things I wanted – life in a rural location, career, children etc.  A major worry is that I have no real way of building a pension.

I always have at least half a dozen plans, which I usually carry out within five years or so.  A former friend recently commented that it was always worth dropping in on me every ten years or so because it is never boring and there is always a masterplan.  This is not the problem.  The problem is that my heart really isn’t in it at the moment, and I feel as if I have been swimming around the same bowl for the last decade.  I can handle being wrong, I have been wrong countless times.  I just don’t know quite how to break out of the cycle of being wrong over and over again.

One good thing about the Wolfe era was that it forced me to give up a lot of things that were holding me back, and it forced me into a situation in which I had to express myself publicly since there was no way of doing it privately.  For this I am strangely grateful.  Every step I take at the moment, however, is tempered with a feeling of impending doom.  I am sure that this will pass, but at the moment it is rather sad.

None of the people that I have left behind over the last few years did anything unusually wrong.  There was more of a generalised wrongness that meant that I was constantly feeling suppressed or undervalued.  Wolfe was very much the last straw in that lengthy period.  I was insulted, under-valued and not listened to, not directly by him, but by his associated entourage, and after the experience of my family stabbing me over and over again in the hope of gaining money from my parents, enough was enough.

So, although I am numb, lonelier than ever and again forced into a situation in which I have to come out of my shell or perish, you will not catch me genuinely hating Wolfe or his crappy idea of business practice.  I have learned and observed a lot that I would never otherwise have noticed, and I am overall better off as a result. despite my almost total destruction in the course of my latest metamorphosis.

Continue Reading

On shyness as narcissism

 

In an effort to cure my crippling shyness and move on from the recent past, I have today been researching narcissism.  I found some interesting stuff on shyness as a narcissistic trait.  The theory being that shyness is narcissistic because it indicates that you imagine your presence is important.

I have not always been shy.  I originally worked with the public.  Whilst this was a strain because I am so used to having quite so much alone time, I managed it without too much fuss and was a fairly big personality.  Likewise when I became a head chef, I had no problem learning how to work a room full of male chefs to get the best out of my staff.  I also have little problem trying new things, so evidently I have a form of confidence.  I just don’t particularly like interacting with lots of people.

I am trying to get over this, as I work on the Ina Disguise Entity project, as I think I will call it.  I have been back on my old youtube channel and re-released some old stuff.  I made a couple of videos today.  I still find I am worrying constantly about whether anybody wants to see it, whether it makes sense, whether I should be bothering to try.  I should not be worrying about this.

I made quite a few videos for my friend in London years ago when I first went raw, and found the minute the view count hit 40 I just wanted to take them all back down again.  The thought of people looking at me horrified me.

For the purposes of inventing Ina Disguise as a person I need to start getting over this as quickly as possible, therefore it is important that I work on it.  Making a youtube video should not be a source of quite so much anxiety, especially when you have a very small channel with few viewers.  Nevertheless I have already made and taken down about seven, regardless of the fact they only had one or two viewers.  This is not perfectionism, as anyone who has listened to the Ina Disguise channel can testify, but social anxiety.

In the spirit of making the best use of this anxiety, I am kind of using it as fuel to make me work harder on my appearance.  If I know people will see me, I take a lot more care than if I never see anyone, so it is quite helpful for that.  Having said this, in the event I ever do have to make public presentations, freaking out and going over every word I say over and over again is less than helpful.  I need to lose the hang-ups, basically.  It has become far worse since the family disaster and events of the last decade, so it is something I need to persist in working on.

In the spirit of self-acceptance, it would be nice to forget about it and do back-room types of work, but it does not look as if this is how life is going to work out, so I am going to persist with it. At least it will force me to regard myself as an artwork, which is probably a good thing.  It has, however, created something of a crisis of confidence about my artwork.  I kind of want to make a bonfire with quite a bit of it at the moment.

Shyness as a form of narcissism is a similar concept to caring as a form of self-abuse.  You hand over your life to care for someone else to show what a nice person you are, at your own expense.  It is a very damaging way of expressing yourself, especially when you have at least one real narcissist in your family waiting to criticise your efforts at every opportunity.  It is up to yourself how strong you are in terms of rationalising and taking action to avoid becoming a victim of these things.  I certainly never thought my life would ever end up like this.  It was not what I worked towards at all.

So, the Wolfe-era journey has now led me into very unfamiliar and terrifying terrain.  A lot of self-evaluation and development is still necessary, despite my exploring having gone relatively well so far. The problem with such self-evaluation is that it opens up many cans of worms you don’t really feel like opening, or necessarily really need to open.  I don’t write worrying terribly much about the attitudes of other people, for example, so why would my physical appearance and voice be so different?

All this, I do for a person who will never speak to me again.  I am still being an idiot.  At least I will be a better educated idiot, I suppose.

Continue Reading