Yes, thank you Wolfe

I just bawled my eyes out again.

I do need to have some sort of life, you know.

Thanks for the support but you know if I do it everything will be fucking chaos.

They won’t like it.

(Should I be thinking fuck them?)

 

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Changes due to the SB incident

I have suddenly become very assertive.

You would not think this would be the effect of what just happened to me, but I have dispatched two exs that I had maintained friendships with in the last two weeks.

Today, the invader came, despite the blog post, and has been summarily executed.  He cannot open his mouth without making you feel bad. He apparently did not understand until I actually said “Do not come back.”

This is most interesting.  Suddenly I am slashing away at dead wood like there is no tomorrow.

I wonder what other effects it has had?

I was very assertive many years ago, as long as I was nowhere near the family, but I was told to give up everything to take care of my parents, and I did.  Thereafter it was one long, long period of being a punchbag.

Wolfe started the clearance, of course, because about six of the exs came back a couple of times over the last twenty or so years.  This intolerance to negative friendships is new, however.

I might take myself out to celebrate this strange new person I’m suddenly becoming.

Thank you to whomever stopped him searching the site over and over again, that was tiresome.

 

 

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Narcissism resources

14 signs of narcissism

This first one is an excellent overview of what to expect from your pet narcissist.  I am a magnet for these people, and expert at finding them without even trying.  The sad part is that they tend to focus on people who don’t understand what the problem is, and even when they are made aware of it, they would sooner blame you for pointing it out than take any action on it.  I found the medium of CPTSD excellent for taking some of the sharper edges off from trying to gently introduce the subject to a test narc.

Spartan Life coach on youtube

He is a bit rambly, but Richard has a lot of very helpful videos on hows and whys of dealing with narcissism.  There are other excellent people on youtube, but for an introduction and some explanations of dealing with problems, this is your easy to follow dude.

Gaslighting – psychology today

Gaslighting is the art of persuading everyone else they are mad whilst keeping yourself squeaky clean from any personal responsibility for anything.  Narcs seem to perfect this without effort.  A good example of this is when I woke up one morning and realised I was still being told that I was selfish, insane and lazy after restoring a 14 room house and taking care of two parents with dementia at the expense of my drifting personal life and career, at which point I decided enough was enough.

Gaslighting – the guardian

Another article on gaslighting

Mobbing 

This article on mobbing is about workplace mobbing, which is when you persuade other workers to gang up on one to deflect any possible self-awareness or potential change from bothering you.

Scapegoating in dysfunctional families

This is classic – one care home owner told me that if she had a pound for every family behaving disgustingly towards the carer, she wouldn’t need a care home.  There is no current legal framework for protecting you if you are stupid enough to actually give a shit about your loved ones.

Other terms you will find include flying monkeys – people who do the work of the narcissist because they don’t like thinking.  You will pick up a few more as you look around.  Do not make the mistake of getting too suckered into the world of narcissistic victimhood, however, as it gets very silly eg.  “He is trying to return my blender.  He is using this as an excuse to talk to me.  I will be manipulated.  What do I do?”

The answer is take the fucking blender and lock the door, bitch.

There is no cure for NPD.  According to a mother of a narcissist I know particularly well, it manifested within a year of birth.  There goes your theories about it being nurture rather than nature.

Finally, if you want to know my experience of living with one, there is a free short story on the books page.

Am I a covert narcissist?

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Parvati and Shiva

Ok, so broadly speaking the story of Parvati and Shiva goes along the lines of Shiva being an angry god who fights ‘evil’ (he does some pretty unspeakable things whilst he does that, however) and Parvati is this mature, nurturing figure with a lot of arms who is usually quite sweet but ultimately beats him by blocking a lot of doors.

They fight a lot and have great sex.  If you were sufficiently crazy, you would get quite suckered into that. I am sure it would make a fabulous short story.

I’m kind of done with that, however.  There is no point in feeding someone who has displayed quite a few negative traits so far.

  1.  The dude obviously hated me on sight, otherwise none of this shit would have happened.  Even when I made the initial comment, he not only hid that, but made somewhat encouraging noises.
  2. Gaslighting – everything I do is obviously crazy, and everything he does is obviously perfect.  I’ve been dealing with narcissists from birth, we don’t entertain this BS anymore.
  3. Flying monkeys – he actually has a whole company doing this for him.
  4. Domineering – I was trying to gently persuade him that this wasn’t great management, but he clearly prefers it and since I am the one with no job, it obviously works for him.
  5. Vanity – I don’t mind a bit of vanity, but to completely change your appearance in order to goad some sort of reaction out of a relative stranger rather than just talk to them is a bit extreme.

I would like to have kept in touch with a few people, but it is not a biggie that it is not safe for them to do so.  I am not handing out my location when this dude is likely to want  to hide behind a pillar and do some more staring and eavesdropping by any means possible.

Broadly speaking, when dealing with people like this, you have to set your own boundaries.  Whilst mine are considerably tougher and yet more relaxed in execution,(none of my staff would ever be put in a position where they were shamed for being an artist or lose their jobs for bullshit reasons, for example) I am not likely to be inviting anybody who has contact with him around for tea any time soon.  In fact, I don’t want to see anybody for a few weeks.

This is such a shame, if he had managed to feign some interest in me, he would have had a lot more information to go on, but he doesn’t, and I am quite happy for that to be the case.

I am still not likely to want to go anywhere near him however, because of the chemistry issue, which was the most extreme I have ever experienced.  You hear stories of people who can’t help themselves from time to time, and you just don’t believe them.  I believe them now, this was not controllable at all.

Again, such a shame, but it’s just bad luck on both sides.  Bad luck for me because he isn’t very nice.  Bad luck for him because I’m not worth destroying.

I am going to go out this weekend.  I don’t know where, or when, but I am going to go out. Maybe.

Shame.

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The Problem with VPNs

Don’t know about other people, but I find VPNs unstable, and I don’t want you to mess up that nice phone.

They aren’t much use unless more than one person uses them.

Seriously, this is obsessive behaviour, you need to go and do something else.  I am sure one of your very supportive colleagues can help you with that.

I can live with the fact you obviously held me in some contempt, but this is now getting a bit silly since you have no intention of actually speaking.

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Adventures in jobhunting

Well, so far, I have failed to be sufficiently robotic for two competency based interviews.  The last time I had to extensively interview was some time ago, and I can tell you things have really been dumbed down for the millennials.

The humanity and any actual brain use requirement has been removed from competency questions, so now you are given a pre-selected format which you prepare in advance using the STAR format

Situation – Losing my job because of a wannabe Mr Ripley

Task – Having to start again in an alternative career because the stupid fucking moron managed to destroy any prospects whatsoever in the one I wanted by repeatedly bitching about his own inability to communicate effectively, backed up by weak management.

Action – Spending all my time looking for alternatives to the point of being unable to do anything else with my time.

Result –  Still looking for new opportunities!  How exciting! Thinking positive!

I have so far been insulted twice, once because my degree offended some minor office worker, who could not understand that people with degrees also have to work (there are a lot of those)  and the other several times because I looked after my mother.

Yeah, because being abused by moronic nurses who know nothing about nutrition, watching your mother being fed fucking poison and shrinking to a small white husk because her eldest daughter is a screaming nutjob and has an unshakable belief in Marks and Spencer ice cream is is hilarious.  Spending your best years stuck in a house twenty four hours a day isn’t work at all.

So yeah, things are going great.  I am halfway through solving half the problem, and about a third of the way towards solving another quarter.  We shall see if I can get the mobility and public-facing angle sorted at the same time, because that would be helpful.  For a painfully shy person, I am remarkably good at pretending to be larger than life when I have to.

This is something plebs don’t understand.  One’s ability to put on a show is unrelated to one’s level of confidence.  Quite a few people hated the constant sunglasses in my previous employment.  Only two people knew that the reason for them is because I was in tears quite a lot and it was the only way of getting to the computer, and it wasn’t the obvious people.

The rest of tonight is going to be spent on moving the not-leaving-the-house element of my new employment package on a step.  If I am fortunate the main income will also not involve leaving the house, in which case I do not need to bother with people ever again.

The public-facing element I might head into town and go and talk to them in person, because they are unlikely to understand the package unless I am there in person.  Hilariously, I tried on some clothing today and after losing 83lb, I am still a bit too larger-than-life, so I guess at least I will save money on any actual food.

Two banks are still sniffing at the door, both because of my snob value.  I quite fancy private banking, but who knows if that is even possible now.  My back problem is telling me not to spend all day in a chair, so we shall see what happens.

And then there is the wild card.  I hope he remembers me, because if he does I may have something very special.  I’m not hugely confident, because we last saw each other through a crack in a door, but we shall see how he feels about giving me a shot at his project.

 

 

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A strangely happy day

It shouldn’t be happy, because it didn’t start out well at all, but today turns out to be a great day.

Made some serious decisions, now depending on what happens with the ongoing progress I am likely to have a split life doing three or four different things. Far safer.

I am quite looking forward to a more theatrical and fun life, if I pull this off.

Very hard work though, and a little bit exposed as my apparently focussed fan may find me, but I am just not going to worry about it.  Even he is better than my family, and that is saying something.

Some old opportunities have reemerged, hopefully I can do something with those too.

Almost allowing myself to be excited, but not quite.

Ina

Loving this track, you need headphones though

 

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Why are offices so crap?

Years ago, when in the upper echelons of one of the big utilities companies, I asked myself this question.  Why is it that office workers seem to guzzle gossip, delight in each other’s misfortunes, stab each other in the back and generally do anything other than work?

I was going to write a book about people management from the perspective of a chef back then, because of my perception that effective communication was direct communication.  Not necessarily in the style of Gordon Ramsay, (who actually isn’t one of the better chefs I have graced with my presence)  but why is it that kitchens function so much better than offices?

To give you some idea of what I mean, in the last office I worked in, ordering a meal would take around three weeks.  The garnish would take a full week to arrive, if you forgot a side dish that would take another week.  Nobody would remind you of what had to be on the plate, and if you didn’t know they would laugh at you.  Any guidance would be presented in the form of a large book which often sent you off on another recipe.

In the meantime, your head chef would be waiting to fire you, so any training anybody had given you would just be a useless expense.  No question of him helping you at all – that would be INAPPROPRIATE.  No, instead you would have to leave the kitchen and talk to one of the waiters, who would give you an offhand and disinterested answer because they would frankly rather be texting.

The chef de partie, in the meantime, would not listen or speak to you because he was trying to get the head chef to fire you on the grounds that you forgot the garnish and he was too frightened to speak to you.

Do you see how this works?  Offices are just about always like this.  I wondered at first if it was because people are sat in chairs all day.  Could it be that being stationary causes this malevolence?

Jobseeking is currently extremely tiresome.  I was earning 36k at 25 years old, running a team of older men as a head chef.  I actually considered applying for a job washing dishes at 18k this week, before I thought about it and decided that after everything I have been through over the years, I really deserve better.  Besides, I have a few things on the go that will be better than this option, but it goes to show how much I miss working practices that actually work.

It feels at the moment as if my personal life is over.  It has been over for years anyway, so nothing new there, but I really didn’t need another life lesson about crap people.  People are violent, selfish, nasty and back-biting as a rule, and no amount of high vibrational inspiration seems to be able to shake them out of it.  Wolfe has been right about so many things.  I still miss him terribly, but I would miss him more if he was around, so it is just as well really.

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Why are people shitty?

There are many reasons why people are shitty.  I started observing this quite early in life, so I have encountered a lot of shitty people despite spending much of my life avoiding them.

Regular readers following the sad story of SB will know that I have encountered quite a vast array of shittiness, for no apparent reason and despite trying very hard to over-compensate.

Ok so let us go back to the beginning of shittiness:

  • Personality disorder – some people are shitty from birth.  They cannot help being shitty, and the only thing you can really do about it is make sure they are unable to harm you any further, because they won’t stop as long as you allow them airtime.
  • Associated personality issues – some people do not have the faculties to deal with their surroundings, so they pretend to be stupid in order to function.  This can be quite aggravated and involve severe bullying and causing trauma to others to self-protect. It is far better to be the bully than the bullied, apparently.
  • Selfishness – in the event that you are smart yet corrupt then the obvious thing to do is take advantage of other people’s shittiness to further your own agenda.

Ok so that covers my family.

Further shittiness has been mainly work-related, since I do not choose to spend my time with people socially any more. I did not, however, find I had terribly many problems socially because from an early age I did not choose to commit to single social groups, mainly because it was so boring and insular.

  • Ambition – this makes people shitty.  Sometimes they will practice on a selected victim in the hope that this will benefit them later.
  • Attention – people can get shitty because they seek attention and do not know how to get it any other way.  This varies between personal inadequacy, lack of social skills, fear of emotion, or attachment disorders.   I kicked Wolfe in the shins for years for this reason.
  • Bonding – some people bond over being shitty to others.  The girl probably had a marginally easier time when being volunteered into being shitty, until it was far too late. Why SB needed to use me to bond her to him I do not know, since he clearly is the person with the power in that relationship, even from casual observation.  What seems odd is the complete denial that it even exists.  I doubt very much her conversations are relayed to his manager for perusal and shaming purposes.  (the attempt at shaming me was almost hilarious – “so, you are making a CHAIR”)
  • Curiosity – if you look remotely interesting or do not respond with the herd, people sometimes get shitty to try to persuade you to conform.  Don’t.
  • Self-limitation – this is a huge one in Scotland.  Anybody doing anything is ‘giving themselves airs’ or assuming some sort of superiority, even when all the evidence points to the contrary.
  • Assumed superiority – people often assume they deserve status they have utterly failed to earn.
  • Lack of self-esteem.  People are often shitty because they hate themselves. This can go back years and affect even quite major figures.
  • Paranoia – sometimes people are shitty because they assume you don’t like them, even though you don’t know them at all.

And sometimes people are shitty because they detect vulnerability and decide to kick you in the teeth for no reason other than they can.  I’ve had a lot of that since my mother died, and it is not forgivable.

So then, I think we are back to the point of the second video I ever made for Wolfe.

“If God had not meant for them to be shorn, he would not have created them as sheep.”

 

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Cute

Mature Obedient Woman wanted for Housemaid duties in a single bachelor’s large house based in the merchant city in Glasgow city centre G1

Cash in hand £10 per hour for cleaning only OR £15 per hour for home cooking and cleaning.

Weekend work, usually Sunday morning/afternoon for 3 hours if just cleaning or 4 hours if  home cooking and cleaning (occasionally Saturday morning/afternoon instead.)

Cleaning equipment will be provided and (if cooking) cooking ingredients/equipment will be provided. A simple home cooked meal is lovely and complex chef skills are not required.

I’m a good boss, patient and fair, wanting to make my house my “home, sweet home”.

 

How cute,  I think he might be better off with a personal ad.

LOL

I don’t think I can be bothered with the public today.

 

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