Hoisted by my own petard

Hilariously, some religious/hippy/intellectual decided to take me to task over yesterday’s post today, and talk about the universals of love, absence of expectation etc etc.

Longer term readers will know that I have already covered all this in many previous posts, and in the free book Best Love Letter Ever  

I was suitably irritated, naturally, and indicated that not only have I already walked that path, high minded ideals fail to keep you warm at night, provide emotional support or even smile at you.  They are, in short, useful for nothing apart from making sure you aren’t too impulsive, and for romantic inspiration.

To begin with, there was an issue of helplessness.  My elderly mother is my first priority above anything else, then I have two cats to consider.  Even if there had not been an additional issue of a secret insecure wife, the whole ‘being in love’ situation would have been a non-starter.  Then there was the problem of my unfortunate turn of phrase and cynical shyness.

This gentleman is elderly.  Either he is married, and full of complete shit, or he is likely to spend his life alone if he considers love to be an entirely abstract issue.  I would hazard a guess that the answer is the former.

Of course in my own case, I too have been this stupid, because it was not until I wrote Best Husband Ever that I realised how out of control and unreasonable my feelings actually were.  I was simply too hidebound and horrified to fully admit to them.

Ironically, the fact he was married is the only reason I have even met the individual I am in love with in person, because I knew that I was entirely safe. (the source of emotional danger being me rather than him) That is how much the idea of being in love terrifies me.  I was previously unaware of being such a scaredy cat, but there it is.  You can hide a lot behind an ego.


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Does falling in love make you healthier?

I did not actually watch the Longevity Warehouse video on this, but I had a lengthy comment to make about it which appears to be in approval limbo, so after a lot of messing about online this evening, trying to find some very old story about Wolfe to relay to a friend – I failed to find it, so evidently some cleaning up has been going on – I thought I might write a blog post on this.

Back when I started transitioning to raw in 2010 – much water has gone under the bridge since then, but I will get to that – I did so on the basis of a very old boyfriend turning up.  I had not seen Mark since I was a sixteen year old, living in my first flat which happened to be a floor below his.  He had some old photos on his facebook page, and so I assumed that, like me, he had not changed very much.  In May 2010 I was 310lb.  Ten weeks later I was 240lb, by the time I actually saw him in August of that year I was 200lb and had started talking to Wolfe from time to time.  Sadly, Mark was by this time a fat, bald and rather unpleasant drunk, and after much non-negotiation we no longer speak.

I had been working on a database of products that might help me, which turned into a food politics essay, which in turn turned into a book about corporatism which I will again be working on as soon as I complete my fictionalised account of the life of Boris Johnson.  There are various reasons why I have to complete two books before returning to the Corporatism book, but it is mainly because I would like the Corporatism book to sell reasonably well in the UK and USA.  I would like to maximise the output of that book because the original purpose of that book was to help with a situation that is becoming worse and worse by the day.  (see previous post ‘scientard’)

As you can imagine, I was not particularly on the lookout for falling in love with anyone, which is when it tends to happen.  The person I fell in love with was a total wildcard, and it seems to have happened across a crowded webpage.  It was all totally inconvenient, particularly as it called my beliefs about my radical approach to eating into question.  To make matters worse, the person concerned is a controversial figure to say the least.

In terms of timing, it could not have been worse.  My family were, as they have been since my birth, mobbing me because they could not stand the competition and wanted to take their mother’s money;  the exs were treating the house as if it had a revolving door;  I had just been incredibly ill, whilst my medical doctor laughed at me  (it is hard to take a person complaining of tiredness seriously when they work two jobs and take care of an elderly person and a mansion, apparently.)

So, my battle with my diet became an emotional battle – I do not particularly like being in love, it is irrational and being happy is not necessarily a good experience if you are being attacked constantly.  You tend to think you are going to be caught off-guard.  As it has turned out, my fears on this front were well-grounded, not because of the controversy, but because the person turned out to be spoken for.

When the wife of this person appeared from nowhere, I did not know that she existed, so I assumed that I was being teased by the person in question.  I was then left wondering what on earth I had done for several years, telling myself that I was clearly worthless and crazy, and cooked and ate to please yet another ex who had turned up unwell and seeking comfort food.  Eating at least shuts you up, so that you do not howl in protest as much as you might otherwise.

To cut an even longer story short, I lost 160lb between 2010-2012, and put it all back on again between 2013-2017.  I have just lost the first 70lb again, and this time I plan to lose even more.  On discovering the truth (that the object of my affection was married and the facebook blocker was, in fact, his wife) this year on my birthday, I realised that my feelings had not affected anyone but me, that what I want matters to nobody, and really there was no need to punish myself for something that was not my fault in the first place.

So now I am still in love, but no longer stuffing my face with denial – the situation is hopeless.  I am still unlikely to ever be anything but alone, and my response to this is to get on with the work I was doing before all this rubbish started. All I wanted was to help.  I had no real reason for this other than I like doing things for people and my life was already being squandered by it.

The last seven years have been wasted on working my way through emotional baggage on the basis that I wanted to be unimpeded and good enough for this person, but they have induced a great deal of self-development in terms of my crippling lack of confidence, cynicism and inability to even ask for what I want because the answer is inevitably going to be no, usually alongside accusations of madness and a variety of humiliation techniques.  Gas-lighting is a parlour game in my family, and it has taken all this to make it obvious that it is pointless to interact with people.

Being in love, even with a health expert, is not particularly good for your health.  Self-development – yes. Health – probably not.


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Bad Dream

It is funny how your bad dreams change over time.

I just had a horrible dream that I was asking for permission to propose to some thin, grey man and ended up in a group hug with him and his mother.  It was not fun at all.  I didn’t even like him that much.

I woke up thinking how frightening the prospect of old age alone is, and immediately went to check on my mother.

It isn’t as if I have seriously wanted to marry anybody.  I have never worried terribly much about it, since the weak feelings of the men in my life were returned with equal lack of interest in most cases.

On the rare occasion when I have had strong feelings for somebody, I have either run away or they have not been interested at all, in which case I have done something else with it.  I am not particularly persistent in reality.  I like distance, and I do not have much of a problem with my own company as a rule.

When I returned to the computer, a new page had appeared on my timeline in the advertising section.

I am now a member of ‘Banned by David Avocado Wolfe’ which has almost 100 likes in a very short space of time.  I imagine that if this person keeps advertising their page,  it will run into tens of thousands, since Wolfe is quite trigger happy when it comes to blocking people.  One lady that got in touch with me had just paid several hundred pounds for a trip to see him when she was blocked for no apparent reason.  I set her up on a date with some polite guy that was messaging me a lot at the time.  Apparently she had great legs and was an outstanding lay.  She rejected him, but she didn’t feel as bad about being blocked. He is now living with a morbidly obese nurse who pays his mortgage.

The page doesn’t look particularly pleasant, or as if it is likely to have any interesting posts, but I am intrigued that it appeared on my timeline at all, as I have blocked at least nine David Wolfes over the years to avoid the memes.  I have even messaged at least two offshoot pages to advise them to block me since it appeared that he had such a hysterical reaction.  (I was unaware at the time that it was in fact his wife that blocked me, since I was unaware that he had one in the first place.)

I have also blocked at least 6 hate groups, one of which I found Wolfe posting on.  Apparently trolls are more appealing for conversation than I was.  I would have thought by now that the mere mention of the name would preclude my being a member of any clubs. Evidently facebook’s algorithms need updating

So that is a rather depressing and extremely early start to the day.  I shall do some more work on the game, cats permitting.

Tomorrow I shall have to sit through a meeting in which somebody young enough to be my daughter repeatedly claims that I am a young woman who should let my mother be manhandled by strangers because she prefers dealing with them.  I cannot tell you how miserable the last six months has been, with the one exception of my taking the Wolfe by the throat, so to speak, at the event in Birmingham.

I am quite glad I did it, even though the ultimate outcome is likely to remain negative, for whatever his reasons.

Please tell me when things are going to get better?

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The Horror of Direct Communication

In my more distant past, I was a Head Chef.  I almost ended up working for Gordon Ramsay, that most famous of direct communicators. (I turned him down) At one point after I finished up university, I considered writing a book about the way chefs communicate and why offices are so cripplingly inefficient in comparison.

Science has now established that people who swear, for example, successfully lower their blood pressure, are likely to be more honest and more intelligent in terms of clarity of thought.  This idea is pretty key to direct communication.

When people make excuses, such as “I can’t right now,” and you cut across them with “That’s OK I don’t want to either, but this is important” it is an extremely effective weapon in ensuring that you have an opportunity to follow up with getting your message across as quickly and effectively as possible.  It is often met with horror, particularly by people who are used to using measured doses of superficially polite oil to avoid confrontation.

Likewise, offices often have gossip cliques, where complaints and queries about other staff members circulate for weeks and weeks at a time, colouring everyone’s view of the unfortunate victim no matter what they do.  Extremely competent yet unambitious rivals are eliminated by this conspiracy of incompetence, rather than my or any other chef’s preferred route of simply telling the person what the problem is in order to avoid a repeat.

Hence, the urgency of service is akin to the urgency of war.  Retiring chefs – who often retire in their late twenties – often retire into the army as they are well equipped to deal with discipline and extremely direct communication.

Trying to survive an office environment when you are used to an efficient system with a sense of urgency is more difficult.  It is bewildering.  Why would an oily incompetent be promoted whilst you are left sitting on ground level wondering when the problems will be fixed?

Many years ago, I was involved in such a scenario when I stumbled across such an incompetent, who was mismanaging a data management project for a major utilities company.  I had previously worked for a rival company doing much the same work, and it turned out that I was the only person qualified to run the project.  Rather than taking advice from me directly, which this individual could not be seen to do, he stole the information and colluded with his assistant to eliminate me.  He could not understand why I had even bothered to point it out.  His errors were potentially killing staff at an estimated rate of 12 per year. I was offered a bribe, which I turned down. I later heard that further to this they paid consultancy fees to the original company to tell them the same thing I told them.

To the company, this was simply part of their business, so the safety risk was not something they were equipped to even think about.  The fact that I knew about it meant that I had to be discredited, and the fact that I was the only person qualified to actually do the job simply did not matter to them.  They were not going to listen to me. Ahs a direct communicator I was not likely to understand this and so I became a marked person.

It had never occurred to me what a small corrupt country I came from until I pursued the CEO of this extremely large company to ask why the company worked like this and what was to be done about it?  I was hotly pursued to see ‘who I was working for,’ and why I would create trouble for the company.  It did not occur to anyone that I had simply identified a problem and reported it with the intention of solving it and had no industrial sabotage in mind at all.

This is very much the problem with many of the companies I had the misfortune to observe when I was still working.  You are expected to sit in fear, worrying about paying your mortgage and you are not supposed to point out problems or attempt to solve them unless you have renamed yourself as a consultant and wish to charge a large fee.  If you step out of this paradigm you are either mad, dangerous, corrupt or probably all three and are CAUSING THEM PROBLEMS.

I much prefer my abrasive, direct approach.  I can honestly say that I am a very clear communicator and people who choose to deal with me have no doubt about my intentions unless they themselves have issues with their honesty. (most of them do, sadly)  I suspect that I was born at the wrong time.  Had I been working in the 50s, I would have been welcomed as a problem solver.  Now, in the age of waste, I am considered stupid because I do not play the game.  It has been an expensive problem.

Perhaps you are better to deceive than state your intention.  I prefer not to.


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With friends like these…..

I haven’t posted for a while, as I have been submerged in game-making.

Sadly, Mood Machine died in the transition to a new format and will have to be restarted, but Best Adventure Ever is going extremely well and I have somewhat higher hopes for it than previously.

In the meantime, the Furniture is slightly delayed by lack of funds.  The Ina Disguise rebuild has meant that my finances have taken a temporary hit which delays the new objects by a month or three.

Long term, this makes sense, so I am not terribly worried about it, but it is a pain juggling things like this, particularly at this time of year.

I have had a lot of email and comments of late, most of it spam, but I got a particularly interesting message from one of my former friends a week or so ago.

It was in response to my trip to Birmingham to see Wolfe, and detailed my becoming famous and having my former friends killed.

It is nice to know that people who expressed such disbelief in me for so long, and who expressed absolute hatred for Wolfe, have such faith in us, however life doesn’t actually work like that.

For one thing, Wolfe and I are not friends.  We could possibly count ourselves as acquaintances now, but I am not sure he would even give me that slot.  All that happened was that I made absolutely sure that he understood my perspective, as I was previously sure he did not get the correct message at all, either from me or anyone else.

For another, I have an awful lot of work to do which depended on his 1)understanding what I am playing at and 2) my actually completing the work.  We are none too keen on direct communication as a result of DRIVING EACH OTHER COMPLETELY INSANE WITHIN SECONDS. Yes, I am too fond of him and very interested in developing his rhetoric.  No, I am not stark raving bonkers and have no intention of becoming so.

So, no, all that we have established is that I am not his enemy and he knows who I am.  I have no plans to kill anyone and have no clue where this idea even came from?  Why would that even be on my task list?

Whomever you are, and I have TWO suspects in mind, both with similar history:

Yes, you were a bit shitty to me, but it doesn’t have much effect on me because I have a lot of other stuff going on.

Yes, you delayed my getting on with the things I was doing prior to my developing Ina Disguise, (as a result of one of Wolfe’s many gags at my expense)  but frankly it was a good thing, because Ina was necessary to protect my work from my family, and the experimental stuff I have done since the Wolfe episode has been a bit whackier and more interesting.

Since I am preparing to hit on the foreign secretary in the next few months, I am unlikely to retain much in the way of privacy at a fairly senior level, so I am not plotting taking out any hits on anyone.

Hope that makes things clearer!



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Ina the steamroller

Work has now begun in earnest on the games.  I had the graphics prepared, but I am now having to rename about a thousand pictures so that the scripts can handle them.  I cannot tell you how mind numbing it is even to organise the files when you have them.

I also want to get rid of the preparation work for the Boris Johnson book, so that I can get back to doing my academic reading for the original book.

Why I needed Wolfe’s approval to write the book I do not know, but apparently I did.  The previous stabbing pain every time I thought about it has gone, and I am quite keen to get on with it, to the point of resurrecting a positively ancient computer to get the old files so that I do not have to retype the material I have left.

For those regular readers who assume that I have some sinister motives about this, that is not the point of me at all.  Please feel free to listen to the following audio:


That is the point of the work I am doing.  It is nothing to do with seduction and everything to do with immortality and the divine inspirational spirit.

When I say this, I do not strictly mean that I am ‘moved by the spirit, man.’  I mean that you follow an inspirational path where it leads as long as it benefits you and the other party.  Where I refer to the beloved, it simply means the recipient of love, rather than implying any relationship that does not exist.  I think I have been very clear everywhere that there is no relationship between Wolfe and I at all, except in my imagination.

What I have to do now, is stop thinking about it, and do the work.  Time will tell if it has any outcome at all, but now that I feel free to do it, it is going to get done with as much efficiency as I can manage.

Looking forward to releasing some artwork shortly, which will mark the beginning of the Boris Johnson period.


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Reflection is over-rated

Today I had to wait in a lot for various phone calls.  I have edited a few stories, which rather alarmed me as I thought I had caught all my spare commas.  The cats have been patted, the errands have been run, and I have reflected far too much.

The last few months have been rather eventful.  I have lost 60lb, gone to see somebody I was trying to avoid, been through a mammoth battle for my mother’s health, which is still apparently ongoing, and had to suffer the invasion of my home by allegedly well-meaning infiltrators who want to tell me how to live my life.  You would never guess that I have a brain at all.  I have also had to tell my last remaining offline friend not to return, partially because of the now perpetual drama and interference, which could conceivably kill him with stress, (he was already hospitalised once with the effects, and I was not going to allow this to happen again) and partially because the friendship, whilst good for him, was very bad for me.

Any one of these things would take their toll on a person, never mind all of them, but I have responded reasonably well I think.  The trick now is to avoid reflection.

I don’t want to think about the years since my father died.  I want to move on, create some great work, write a beautiful book or three, and ensure that my mother has as peaceful a life as possible.  Thanks to her unconventional diet, she is stable.  The NHS hate this, but apparently they will have to learn to live with it.  I dread to think how fast she will die in the event that she has to go anywhere else, however, as even the three days that I was effectively absent from caring for her caused a dip.

My friend from the Gambia is trying to worm his way back in to chatting with me every night.  I have no idea what benefit he thinks he will derive from achieving his aim.  I assume he thinks that I am rich.  It certainly isn’t because he wants to do any work.  We have already established this.  Why I am to sit and wait for his next crisis and provide I do not know.  I have no beanstalk in my garden, and alas no magic beans.

In a week or so I am hoping that I will be able to release the first pieces in the Boris Johnson collection.  They are looking rather nice, but there is still a lot of work to do as my studio is rather small for furniture.  I have some lining work to do, which I hate, and about seven days of sewing on the carpet for it.  In the meantime, I am in a writing mood, so I think I will make a start on the book for the Boris collection.  There will also have to be some short stories, and a new series will commence for the release of these.

I am also planning to do some further releases on Amazon.  I notice that somebody has pirated some work of mine on there already, so I have to go through their rather cumbersome copyright process.  I was ignoring it because whoever-it-is is presumably publicising my books, and I thought I would just let them.

All in all, I don’t think I should waste any more time than I have already wasted on reflection.  I don’t particularly envy anyone, and I think things happen for good reasons.  You cannot underestimate your own significance, however. I am feeling rather more inclined to be noisier than I used to be, which can only be a good thing given the very large task ahead.

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In 48 hours time

In 48 hours time it will all be over, and I will probably be on my way back here, having been ignored again.

In 48 hours time I will have been reminded, yet again, how insignificant I am and be berating myself for having bothered to try and change anything.

In 48 hours time I will hate myself for having spent money I do not have on something I should not have felt the need to do.

In 48 hours time I will be trying to figure out how I can modify my existing work to remove anything that might cause me problems later.

In 48 hours time I will feel very guilty about trying to change anything.

Hopefully I will not try and throw out my work again, because I obviously want to do it.  Why I need anyone’s approval I do not know.  I just know I feel very sad already, and the worst has not even happened yet.

There is a simple solution to all of this, and that is to modify everything to remove all traces of Wolfe, and do the work on the basis that nobody will be interested in it anyway.

I have to say, for an author who has amassed 30,000 readers in four years, I am feeling rather down on myself.  I do not feel I have achieved anything of note, my work is mainly scribbling, and I see no evidence of anybody sufficiently enthusiastic to be waiting for the next thing to come along.  Therefore Ina is still a nothing, despite some effort.  I would not claim that it is a lot of effort, as I have witnessed people who put in a lot of effort, and I neither have the time nor apparently the drive to put sufficient into the project.

It has not helped that I have spent the last four years with two people who are more concerned with themselves than anything progressive or external, and that I was too sad/unmotivated to do anything about it.  I am shocked when I see myself four years ago, at the damage this has done to me.

Maybe this dip is self-protective.  If I do not expect anything, then I will not be so gutted when I fail.

I wish the ending of this story was not so inevitable.

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Altruism as insanity

Finally managed to talk to a friend about my current plans and the conversation was as bonkers as ever.

In the meantime, I constructed a note for Wolfe to indicate that I am at the event, should I make it so that he doesn’t have to see or talk to me unless he wants to.  Why am I so apologetic about this?  I have been extremely patient, his entourage seem to think I am made of some sort of shit, and I have been waiting to provide him with some quality material that he doesn’t even have to pay for for several years.  Apart from some choice words, I have nothing to apologise to Wolfe for.  Every bit of sour has been compensated for with sweet at other times.

Anyway, she harped back to a friend of hers who had become ‘obsessed’ with a Slovenian singer, who then used her very polite sounding obsession to make a name for himself by pointing a finger at her.

Yeah, its a dog eat dog world out there and doing anything is utterly pointless.  May I point out that this is why the planet is in the state it is in?  If everybody continues to function in this egocentric and stupid way, the whole world will end up looking like the USA and nobody creative will bother doing anything.  I am sure this will suit some people, especially those who make a living by talking about having read a book once, but it will not actually make life better.

I frankly do not care about Wolfe’s private life that he didn’t tell anyone about.  I do not care about the unhappy woman that caused me years of pain with her bullshit, and I do not care if he is worth 10c or $200 million.  None of these things matter.  All that matters is that I can see a problem that nobody else seems to be addressing and that I actually deal with it.  It affects everyone, and it affects the future.  In the unlikely event that he actually listens to me, it will also make Wolfe a little bit less obscure.

Why I am to be reduced to being referred to as ‘a fan in denial’ and sitting at an event that I may not even be able to cope with listening to (for a variety of reasons)  I do not know.  Maybe people, whether they know me or not, should try a bit of fucking respect for a change.  Maybe I should just stop bothering at all.

In the last few years, because of shit like this I have been reduced from a proud, intelligent hardworking individual to a brainless blob, mired in bullshit that benefits everyone but me.  I am tired of it.  I am not a bimbo, I have no respect whatsoever for fame, and I have a job to do.  Just let me do it already.


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As time goes by (yet another David Wolfe post)

It honestly feels like months since my last post, but it was actually only five days ago.

I am going to the Wolfe event after all.  This may seem very odd, but it is time I did something selfish for the sake of my sanity.  I felt that it was unlikely that I would be able to do it for a few years so it was now or never.

There are several options as to how this will go down:

1.  He hates me, and will do something horrible like suddenly realise who I am and prevent me from attending once I have gone to all the trouble of actually getting there.

2.  He plays a horrible practical joke on me, which I would probably deserve after all these years.

3.  He does not know that I exist at all. (I doubt it, since he gives online stuff about him an Assange level of attention, which means he spends a great deal of time on that smartphone looking himself up)

4. He chooses to ignore me entirely, which I would again probably deserve.

5. He actually felt exactly as I did and is as similar to me as I thought he was, in which case he will be cautiously pleased to see me, with caveats.

6. He liked me more than I thought he did, in which case it will be a very strange experience indeed.

All I want to do is discuss my book and the game, both of which are designed to benefit him.  The book because I would like to ensure that he reads it at the very least, and the game because it has business implications.  Anything beyond that would be unexpected, and frankly it will be a miracle if I get that far.

In the meantime the preparation going into this is astonishing, and I haven’t even started on going through the research material yet.  In the last three days I have walked about 50km from sheer nerves.

I am still a little fat lady, albeit with bizarrely good skin, so I am hoping that I do not find myself feeling like an alien at an event which promoted itself as being full of hippy fanchicks and pale bodybuilder types.  I assume that this is not strictly the audience, although I note from the material sent to me so far that more than the first 80 tickets have apparently sold, so I may just melt into the crowd.

For the sake of reassurance, I am not attending this event as Ina Disguise the entity, but as my shy and retiring self, so I do not forsee too much in the way of drama coming from me.

Considering that I am still unable to watch any of his videos, I am not sure how I will react to this, but I am hoping that watching the audience will be as fascinating as I think it will be.

I am now going to go and read ‘Rhetoric of Economics’  to put myself in more of a ‘me’ mood.


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