Blame and Shame, your two biggest enemies

In your battle to stagger through life, there are two big enemies you should avoid.  Blame and Shame.  If there is anything I have learned from my narc sister, it is that people who are devoid of either get on far better in life.  It is much better to have a personality so devoid of empathy or reason that you don’t ever experience any.  Not only are you happier, you can leave everyone else eating your dust whilst you move on to your next miserable task.

I wept for years over the behaviour of my siblings towards my mother.  No decent person could be invited into my life, I thought.  To make matters worse, the only positive person I knew had not turned out to be particularly positive in reality.

I regarded it as a smirch on my character, that three people who clearly regarded themselves as superior would behave in such a shoddy, selfish way.  It took several years for me to wake up one morning and say “Wait a minute, I have taken care of both of their parents.  I have given up any decent prospects to do so, and in addition I have repaired the family home at considerable expense of my time and money whilst they did nothing.  Why am I still hearing tales of how selfish and nasty I am when I stopped speaking to them several years ago?”

This behaviour is called mobbing, and it is employed by stupid and deranged people to avoid responsibility for either helping or acknowledging anything you are doing.  It is classic amongst non-caring children.  It is a reason to do nothing.  As long as they can make your life miserable, they have the excuse to then make your reaction to that, which in my case was to completely ignore them, into a good reason for being even more abusive.  They will continue to do this as long as nobody from outside the family points it out, and nobody ever does.  There is no mechanism for protecting carers from this form of abuse at all.  Try searching for examples online, and you will not find any.  I tried. It is rife, and yet there is no protection at all.

This is exactly how the public behave.  Instead of taking any responsibility for making political decisions and employing anything in the way of actual reason to do so, they elect to delegate it by voting.  A vote for conservative used to mean belief in the monarchy, in militarism and international standing.  It now simply means that you consider the Conservatives to be better at making a more advantageous deal than anybody else, and to hell with the dead people.

“Things were better when there were gentlemen in charge.”

This was said by an elderly neighbour within my lifetime.  This is a hangover from when it was considered noble to serve the public.  The gentlemen in question frequently left their estates to the public.  This is no longer how the class system operates, as I have previously mentioned.  Those gentlemen no longer exist.  To be a well-educated member of the upper classes now means that you are better at taking things than anyone else, a throwback to how many prominent aristocratic families got their status in the first place.  It was highly relevant and useful when we were still conquering uncharted territory, but it does not work so well when the only thing left to take is right here.  You may consider it astonishing that people who have every advantage seek to take more from you, but it is a dog-eat-dog world.

If you are, therefore, in a favoured position as a result of association with such people, it is far more difficult to express the ghastly horror when they take it one step too far, especially when you are conditioned to accept that they are also inclined to ‘mob’ you in much the same way a vile family does.

The recent experience of the last few years has taught me this:  Sometimes it is expedient to employ the methods of the enemy to do the right thing.  Ditch the blame and shame.  Concentrate on what you are good at.  By all means internally acknowledge your mistakes, but focus on what works in terms of moving forward.  Build some new bridges.

I have moved on from the shame of having a repulsive family of money-grubbers, to experiencing shame at being in love with someone that I had no way of knowing was married when I exchanged a few sentences with him.  I refuse to feel bad about it.  There is no way that even I can twist it into being my fault.

Remember – strategy is our thing – focus on that.

I may have to rethink my strategy for the new project.  I will keep you in the loop over the next few weeks, but it looks as if I will be earning the funding, at least.

Toodle pip,

Ina

 

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British society is kept under control with hatred for others

Image result for top hat

I have heard so many ridiculous things from people who have never stepped outside their own limitations in the course of my life that I have now come to this conclusion.

I have had many wry smiles at the events of the last decade or so, particularly with the attitudes of my occasional long term boyfriends. (occasional because they have been around for thirty years and I have maybe spent three months with them in total over that time) I have, as a consequence, developed a healthy disrespect for opinions, since they tend to be formed without much in the way of research.

As I was scribbling the latest short story, it occurred to me that a lot of British culture is about disdain.  Disdain for people outside of one’s class, disdain for people who are socially mobile, disdain for people who are new, disdain for people who are different.  I lived in England for a period in the nineties, and I can honestly count on one hand the number of times anyone gave me any nonsense because I was Scottish.  I cannot say the same thing now.  On my recent trip to see Wolfe, I noticed heads jerking in my direction as soon as I was over the border.  I presume this is media influence. I amused myself by considering that I was braving enemy territory to catch a glimpse of my beloved.

Now, this could be because I am rather class  neutral.  I went to a very tiresome state school, and yet am considerably posher than my privately educated siblings.  I put it down to the binge reading of Wodehouse and a lot of Russian and French philosophers in my formative years, but it could also just be a pose, I don’t know.  I know I have managed to blend in equally well working in the best and worst areas of Glasgow in the course of my research work.

I also transplant easily into rural areas, because I chose to leave Glasgow at 17.  I have lived everywhere from a tin shack on an island farm to a stately home, thereby becoming unclassifiable.

So, when my friends assert that ‘posh gits’ are ‘snobs’ and that I cannot possibly understand why they would say this because I am also comparatively posh, it is very easy for me to wonder if they know what snobbery actually is?

Glasgow has always been particularly stratified.  Different areas don’t like each other.  People will even take a dislike to you because you aren’t interested in hair care products, or because you don’t dress like them.  People used to be segregated on the grounds of being Protestant or Catholic and it is said that the council is still run in this way.  (as someone who is neither of those things, it has always been amusing introducing people to theology during the tentative questioning) Opening your mouth to speak at all can be a problem, and God help you if you actually know anything, because this is ‘giving yourself airs.’  It is a huge failure as a national culture that many Scots just don’t like it if anyone achieves anything.  Even doing something is a problem, as I found out when I did my micro survey to find out if people in the ‘Yes’ movement really understood the figures they were quoting.  I was challenged on the usual basis – “Whit ye dayn that fur?  Who does that cow think she is?”  It is not particularly encouraging for the future that the only way people can agree is if they all slavishly worship individuals and nobody else is allowed to speak.

In considering the ‘No Glass Walls’ project, I am led to consider what is universally appealing.  Many of the things I find funny are sources of boiling fury for others, and my long view of history and decision making are simply not relevant if you are worrying about feeding the cat.  It is difficult to find something universally appealing in a country so obsessed with hate.  Hate the Scots, hate the Lancastrians if you are from Yorkshire, hate the Londoners, hate the Brummies.  I would like to say that English people hate even more than Scots do, but I am not sure that this is really the case.

This leads me to wonder how Britain has been so successful in the ‘Divide and Conquer’ policy within the state.  I look at the USA and see something similar, but they have the benefit of a stratified junk education system to help things along.  Here, there is absolutely nothing to stop you taking your state education and working your way up to Prime Minister if you are able to do the networking and put the hours in.  It isn’t miraculous, it is simply the decisions you make and the work you put in.

So, I wonder, as a mute project, as it will have to be, what is the best way of expressing this self-limiting culture we have created?  How to get people out of their chosen discomfort zone?  The class war is just strata, along with all the other self-made strata people actively choose to maintain.

 

 

 

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That’s My Boy

Here’s a nice piccy of Boris.  I have prepared it in ultra-high resolution for use later.

I have so far come up with a long, long list of things I would like to bring up in the course of the project.  I will need to involve quite a number of interest groups.

Just to make something clear for people who aren’t quite understanding why a genetically predisposed revolutionary Scottish Nationalist is a Boris superfan, there is no malicious intent at all.  I just came up with a rather nice set of ideas which happen to work well together, and I am sure even Boris would agree if it was discussed in any depth.

It is very important to establish that the Conservative party – the party of tradition and maintaining the status quo – develops a  memory at some point.  There have been times in the struggle between right and left, when the right have actually been right.  Boris, as a fellow history buff, will be aware of the ebb and flow of Conservative history, and, subject to the inevitable shooting of the rapids that is actually being in parliament, I am sure he will remember some of the more useful elements of British conservatism if he chooses to think about it.

As I have previously mentioned, Disraeli is a whole lot more useful than Churchill. Whilst I do not forsee ever wanting to actually vote for them, taking my usual interest in their mutual backstabbing is always fun.

Anyway, there is a lot of work to do before I can proceed with the performance component of the project.

Have fun in the meantime,

 

Ina

 

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No Glass Wall

Much of my work as Ina is really about head space.  I have never spent much time actually considering what life would be like if I got whatever it is I purport to want.  Given the lack of likelihood of me ever achieving aims, particularly during the last few years,  life has become a rather tragic comedy.

I see this in other people, even people who have got whatever they thought they wanted. It almost looks as if disappointment is a natural life process, so prevalent is the sense of aging doom.

So to further this concept of there being no glass wall – that even people in public office need to be considered ‘fit for work,’ rather than authority figures who are there to be criticised and abused according to circumstance and the whims of the bun-throwing backseat voting public, I have decided to create a dialogue with Boris in the form of interpretive dance.

I will be doing this whilst writing up Lucifer Ogilvie, and naturally I will be Ina Disguise.

In this way, not only will I amuse Boris, who can enjoy it instead of the daily snifter, as a preference,  I can inspire some thoughtless so-called adults who have been herded into a life of embittered misery and believe that it is natural to lose your spirits/health as you get older.  It is not.

The artwork for Boris is not currently up for sale as I am still working on it and I am not satisfied with my current channels.  If anyone was interested in it, I am sure I could have a chat with you, but I don’t do this work with financial aims at the moment.  I would rather get to the point of meeting an actual publisher at some point and settling down to some more serious work.

Naturally, since even a casual skimming would reveal that I have had a particularly nasty year and am about to have another one, I am not feeling particularly great in real terms.  The only good part really is that Boris is far less concerned about image than Wolfe was, so I feel a bit more liberated in terms of what I can and cannot do. Emotional investments are not very convenient when  it comes to this kind of work.

The video project will probably commence in the spring, until then I will be undergoing some preparation work and trying to balance at least two full time jobs. Ina Disguise is Fit for Work.

 

 

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Logo Change and New Video Project

Logo change today, I have been plotting this for some time, but today I finally went ahead and did it.  So far it has been very popular with my facebook list. Here it is:

I am in a very dancey kind of mood at the moment.  I wonder if it could have something to do with the video component of the Boris Johnson Experience Project?  We are doing a lot of plotting and planning………

 

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Life is nicer with a clear conscience

I have always been fascinated by people who habitually attempt to cheat on other people.

I have done it, in the distant past, but very quickly gained sufficient stature and notoriety that everyone was aware of what I was doing and nobody seemed to be that bothered.  Being considered so desirable that you have a few people wondering if they can distract you sufficiently to consider them as your only partner is a nice place to be.

What I can never understand is people who bother lying about it.  This seems tedious.  I am aware, because I have been with such people, that for some it is a kind of game to see how far you can push someone.  This is not particularly healthy behaviour, and it is a bit manipulative. It is usually easier to just leave and go find somebody else.

This goes for friendships as well.  It is easier to keep things honest, even if honest is not always what people want from you.  One thing you learn as an itinerant caterer, is that your entire life can collapse overnight, so you simply learn not to invest terribly much in one person.

There is an inherent grubbiness in a more superficial perception of the world. If you are not investing terribly much, then anyone who is is either stupid, or so different from you that they had no business being in your life in the first place.  This then becomes tiring, and inevitably the lack of stability affects other functionality.  Unless you have retained that ‘centre of the universe’ position I first mentioned, life becomes rather shaky and so do you.

Having lived through these periods, and seen many different interest groups, with considerably different value systems, I selected a kind of lonely nobility.  I try to do the right thing, and I try to avoid people in order to avoid doing the wrong thing to suit them. It is not particularly sociable, but this saves a lot of time.

This may seem very strange to anyone following the chain of thought that goes with my attempts to become more confident and less anti-social, but I think the way I am approaching other people now is better than it was before.  I used to drop everything if someone needed something.  I used to consider how useful I could make myself, and anything I wanted took a poor second place.

The current projects are of sufficient magnitude for this to now be irrelevant.  Smaller tasks from other people, designed to distract and confuse, are now easy to turn down and bigger tasks, for the larger projects are broken into things I can do every day.  It may seem strange to take on enormous tasks for people I do not know, but when they are more interesting, more challenging, and may lead to actual change they seem worthwhile.  I have basically made my absurd helpfulness bigger, more confusing and more abstract in order to achieve an even bigger aim ultimately.

Time will tell if I have selected the correct people to bless with my angle of change, but both Wolfe and Boris are sufficiently intelligent to figure out what is happening and why when the time comes.  It is going to take a long time.

At least is it less boring, even if it does seem odd.

Put the booze down and listen to the orb, Boris. Make it loud.

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That ‘Oh God I Suck’ Moment

We all have them.

If we are incredibly cowardly or take ourselves too seriously, we don’t do anything at all because of them.

If we let things get to us too much, or have too much pride, we allow it to stop us, because it is easier to say we suck and laugh it off.

If we then go to the next step, we sneer at other people who don’t feel the same way.

I spent months saving the money to make Bordello Rhetoric.  I knew exactly what I wanted to do, I lavished attention on it.  Now I look at it and I say NOOOOOOOOOOOO.

It is a development piece.  I did not take inspiration from anyone but Boris himself for this piece of work.  I did not even need to plan it.  I knew exactly what I wanted to do, and I went ahead and did exactly that. It involved importing agate from a quarry in India, importing the beads from a manufacturer in Germany, sourced Georgian handles from an antique collector, an ungodly amount of resin, and a ratty old box gifted by a friend. (the principle of the Boris Johnson collection is to render unemployed furniture ‘Fit for Work’ by means of artifice, and preferably guile) I replaced the castors twice, which alone cost me a week of 24 hour caring for my mother in financial terms.  24/7 care is a lot of hours, and requires a lot of commitment if you want to avoid being robbed by the social work department and having your mother killed by an institution.  So why do I hate myself for it now?

Well, because I should have used my shades of colour more effectively and done a better blend on the beadwork.  Yes it is quite stunning, but it could be more stunning.  Yes it is as I intended, but it could be better because I had no reference point.  It is nice, but it is not as nice as it could be if I had visualised it more effectively.

Life is not like that.  If I had known I would fall crazily in love with a health guru, I would have looked after myself better.  If I had known that the NHS would kill my mother anyway, I would not have been investing every penny in keeping her well by natural means.  Hindsight is a wonderful thing.  This also applies to our artwork.

We should never feel bad about completing a piece of work that we no longer like by the end of it, nor should we worry about promoting pieces we no longer like, because as creators we are not trustworthy judges of what is good or bad.  I have thrown out pieces that other people thought were works of genius in the past, because I knew I would do something better.  When I first came across Wolfe, quite apart from not knowing how to get his attention any other way, all I could think about was how I could make him better, and better, and better.  I am still guilty of this.  Instead of appreciating what people or objects are, I strive for improvement.

My friend is even worse than this.  You cannot ask him to collaborate on a project from the beginning, because the objections are so many and varied that the project never starts.  He is, however adept at finishing work.  Once you think you are finished, he is ideal for finding details that you never thought of.

It took more than three years of deep and probably constant thought before I realised that I was the problem.  My desire for perfection was neither realistic, nor desirable.  Wolfe was right, I was wrong.  What matters is the doing, not the striving. The methodology is less important than the result.  When I finally accepted this, which took some time, Ina was born.

Conceptual thinking is probably more important than technique, when it comes to actually developing your work and ideas.  Acceptance of imperfection is necessary to reach mastery, because if you really care about your work, you very quickly realise that you will never truly become a master of anything.  I am fortunate that as a former chef, who worked for culinary glory for many years, I was aware of the futility of perfection.  I just hadn’t realised how universally applicable the concept was until I met my far more successful and happy twin (Wolfe and I were born twelve days apart, which was part of the reason for the level of focus)

So, when you have your own ‘Oh God I suck’ moment, feel good about it.  You learned something, and you need never feel ashamed of growth.  It is likely that nobody will even notice your mistake, because mistakes are often painfully beautiful, even when they drive you crazy.

 

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Dark melancholy and chatting with other artists

Looks like the old me is back.  Reading my post from earlier, it is like looking back a decade into cynical reality.  I guess the grief is setting in.

One of the great things this project has done for me is enabled me to network.  I am not a social creature as a rule, but promoting my stuff, when I can be bothered, has meant joining a lot of interest groups as this is cheaper than merely advertising, which is not cost-effective as a rule.

Today I have been entertaining some artists with reasons for my work.  We often ask each other what our work is about, which is good practise as artists all tend to be scruffy, disinterested, and socially isolated unless we are tremendously successful.  We all tend to make the same social mistakes until we are happy with our technical ability, which is, paradoxically, never good enough anyway.  Being forced by circumstances and the ongoing thought that went into the Wolfe project into creating Ina is the only reason I have shown anything to anybody.

My own work has been complicated by the fact that I do not lust after a sufficient number or variety of men.  Given that that is the only reason I am ever compelled to do anything, I really should have spent more time earlier in life just finding men to perve at.  I was more interested in work, and had a steady supply of them, so I guess in artistic terms I have been rather lazy.

Anyway, just to make you laugh a bit, here are some very simplistic meanings behind my work.

 The Misery Mandala

 

This is what extremely angry sex with me looks like.

 

 Funk This

This is what it looks like when I decide that I can’t do anything about my inappropriate feelings and need a few weeks to try and surmount it (pun intended)  There was a series of four of these for Wolfe, three of which I liked, one I really don’t is Lucky Heart, because it is about futility and the random nature of sexuality.

 Ormus Uranium

A word gag about the Ormus range of products, popular in the USA and parts of Europe, which are mysterious in nature.  Elements such as gold are very popular with people interested in advanced mysticism, but there is no reason why poisonous elements should not have ormus properties.  It was also a good excuse to send Wolfe flowers.

 Fertility and Intellect

This is a very old piece of work, made for a grumpy history professor I adored at university, who had one of the most punk chainsaw brains I have ever come across.  I do love a bit of mental violence.  It is about the difficulties of retaining your concentration on academic pursuits when you are fertile and female.

 Call me Al

This is for Boris, who has a public persona, and a private one called Al.  I am rather touched by Boris.  He is the best of a very bad bunch, both privately and publicly and deserves better.  The UK would benefit from encouraging and listening to him.

 Bordello Rhetoric

This is the only other piece in the Boris collection that is directly for Boris.  It is about the nature of a political career, hence the title.  It is rather glamorous and bold, which I think is appropriate for Boris rather than Al.

Rebekah Brooks is fit for work

The other pieces in the Boris series are about the nature of success and the lack of fit with actual talent.  Simply declaring oneself fit for a task does not make it so, and most of these pieces either involve scandal of some sort, or just having so much money that nobody is ever going to force you to starve to death, as is happening to several sectors of society whilst wages are lowered via immigration. This will be a lengthy and very expensive series.  Rebekah is sitting in my kitchen, where she actually looks fabulous.  I expected these pieces to be loud and garish in place, but as it turns out they are conversation pieces.  Experimenting with textiles, stone, beads and resin has been expensive, but tremendous fun.

I am not sure why Boris is getting so many rock pools, but evidently I find him more erotic than I expected.  It is very much a sub-plot in my grand epic and entirely fictitious romance with Wolfe, however, so I am not sure how this imaginary love triangle is going to develop in the medium term.

 

I will do a page for each piece eventually, but hopefully that goes some way to explaining how my creative brain works.

 

Much affection,

 

Ina

 

 

 

 

 

 

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New Stuff from Ina Disguise

New Stuff from Ina Disguise

 

New Vida Store  Feel free to click in and see the updates so far

Evil Money – short story

The Perverts – short story

Feel free to have a look at some new material – working on shoes and a couple of bits of furniture for the Boris collection whilst seeking yet more work.

Will be publishing under another name this year for more serious stuff, so this is a period of some upheaval, but I think we can safely say my output is on an upward trajectory due to the avoidance of despair.

As ever, if Wolfe has any objections, he cannot possibly find it difficult to find me and  let me know. I imagine he will find it as funny as I did. Shoes coming soon, and I will be back into game-making shortly as I am trying to avoid thinking at all.

Much affection,

 

Ina

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Let’s get something straight

The three people that I have kept in touch with in the last few years have talked quite a bit of nonsense in the last month or so, mainly due to the apparent distraction of my change in circumstances due to my mother being killed in hospital.

I have also had to tolerate a lot of nonsense from people who don’t know me, on the grounds that there was no point in concealing Ina any more when discussing what I am really interested in given that my cover was blown with the disgusting scum family.

Whilst this is very kind and well-meaning, I have to get something straight, so that I do not have to discuss it in person as being told that I am now free to find some random bloke/travel/whatever mad idea other people have about what would make me happy is driving me slightly mad. My mother was not the only thing keeping my nose to a self-imposed grindstone.

I haven’t changed my mind about the Wolfe issue in nine years.  Yes, I have been miserable, yes I have experienced significant change, and no, I am not likely to have a happy outcome.  That changes nothing.  I am fortunate enough to have at least encountered potential happiness, which is more than most people ever get to do. I’m extremely grateful to him, just for breathing.  I don’t think I’ve ever said that about anyone else. Yes, he still drives me insane. That is OK too. Perfection is extremely dull.

Settling for what is expedient, on the other hand, is not what I would view as a happy outcome.  I do not envy people who have done this, even though they probably believe that they have achieved something by going ahead and settling for what is real in order to obtain their preferred outcome.  I guess this is a matter of circumstance as well as personal choice.  People who want to have fifteen kids, for example, have to make a commitment fairly early in life in order to achieve their aims.

I never wanted this, nor did I prioritise finding a partner.  I was made aware of my responsibilities to my parents fairly early in life, and whilst in many ways could be viewed as being used, have got a lot out of that in terms of what I would call ‘sideways’ growth – I have a lot of strings to my bow, although there is still a lot of development work to get where it is going. That is fine with me.

It is important to remember, even if you hate my work or anyone else’s, that doing something is always better than fearing exposure, no matter what you choose to do.  Other people do not matter.  When you finally realise this, life gets a lot riskier and yet decisions become a lot easier.

Another thing to realise is that my first thought is always about work.  My father was exactly the same.  Love is work, work is love etc etc.  It is probably on the level of a disorder.  It is no fun if it is too easy and the journey is more important than the destination.

So, no, I do not ‘need a man.’  I do not want to settle for anything.  I am not in a hurry to leave my beloved home unless it is worth it, and it definitely won’t be worth it unless I get the current work done.  The work is way more important than anything.  Whilst my remaining priorities are Wolfe, cats and house related, they do not involve expected outcomes in any way whatsoever and never did.  I have my shit to do and that is that. I have no intention of settling for frankly tedious old or new relationships and I am not going to change my mind. There is only one me, and only one him.  The rest of it is tough tittie, frankly.

If any of the people that I am referring to had listened to anything, they would not be raising these issues.  Sometimes you have to self-destruct in order to create something better, whether that is real or a self-created mirage in order to achieve a much more important goal.

I have grown, particularly in the last few months, to fear different things.  I used to fear the fact I was different.  Now I fear narrow-minded stupid people who assume that everything they were taught is real.  They are the real monsters, and I do not plan to remain amongst them to suffer a stunted, stupid death of the soul.

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