Grown Up Work

Apparently my age has caught up with my experience and I am now to be considered for grown-up jobs.  That is helpful.  I will be re-entering the thrilling world of evil banking in the next month or so.  (probably more dull than evil for a while) Meanwhile the exciting world of insurance also beckons.  Worry not, if you are stuck in a lift or carpark in the USA, I will still be fitting that in for a while.  80 hours is a moderate week if you happen to be a former chef.

In the meantime, I have suddenly dropped a stone, so I am back in my corsets and on the supermix.  The way I operate now seems to be based on the idea of the Holy Grail being supermix and a lot of water, and in the event that I am forced to socialise or very cold and upset, I eat low carb.  Low carb no longer promotes any weight loss,  however, so I think I have probably reached the age of CRON.

Now that I am back into my corsets, my back problem is improving, so more walking is getting done.  It is rather hilarious that I have this particular kink, given that I still habitually wear men’s clothes, but all the more fun if you get me into a compromising situation I suppose.

Meanwhile, there are more pressing issues at home.  Boris’s face needs shaving and dewrinkled, he probably needs a haircut with some handy nail scissors, the camera is still an issue – I have found when dealing with the public that the bigger the camera, the more they play to it so a big one is essential, and I think I have come up with a good strategy for the nation-wide project in terms of participation.  Given that it is effectively an apolitical campaign, although it is cloaked as an art project, I suspect that I might get some help if I ask for it.  I need to sort out my banner and am waiting to get my flags made.

So, although I am a bit weak and spindly and certainly a bit stiff, progress is being made.

Digging my reading at the moment, so there may be some more work on the books page soon.

 

Ina

 

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Grieving is a strange process….

To avoid the rage I feel towards the probably 30 or so people involved in collectively avoiding their responsibility for the murder of my mother, I have focussed heavily on the No Glass Walls project for a week or two.  There is a nurse called Darren who single-handedly made sure I knew that if I attempted to stop their idea of a process, I would have legal problems, so I basically had to back off.  I do not like Darren very much.

Some of the required props have been purchased, I am waiting to see if I get a suitable camera, my filmmaker friend and I have already fallen out, and I am now at the contingency planning stage.

He makes beautiful but exacting films, but I have a very different approach to things, because I am very overview-led and loathe to involve other people or actual dates for doing things if I can avoid it, as this always causes so many problems that I end up not bothering to do things at all.  I am a busy person.

His latest very well-meaning suggestion was that I get someone else to be me, as I showed some concerns about his wanting to make the logo look like me in reality.  Apparently realistically ugly women are joyful.  Clearly I still have some confidence issues, especially after reading the comments on the latest Amy Schumer masterpiece, which itself looks horrible.

I tried to explain to him that in order for things to be appealing, sometimes you have to alter them slightly, and asked whether this was part of his planning?  The response to this was that perhaps we have someone else do it.

As this was supposed to be a national scale project, involving an actress to come at short notice on long day trips across the country over a period of several weeks at no cost seems highly unlikely.  I now also feel that I am not good enough to be my own logo, because my idea of a logo is something that can be easily replicated, as opposed to something that becomes a major disaster if it goes missing or you don’t have access to your laptop.  For this reason I now have a logo that makes me look as if I am wearing a burkha on most sites.  I am not sure if I have updated the one on the website, but I am probably going to return to the rune anyway. It was a nice idea, but I am not comfortable with it now.

Anyway, I am now feeling very sad.  The complications involved, including hiring a green screen studio, are likely to be expensive and what started as a nice big idea to take me through the grieving process is now looking expensive, unpleasant, difficult to manage and I obviously don’t look good enough.

Grieving is not a joyful time.  You don’t really understand why people are acting perfectly normally as everything is seen through a sort of veil.  I have had dealings with a number of irrational and seemingly hysterical people over the last three weeks, and I don’t really care about their motivation for their actions.  They just look crazy to me.

I quite enjoyed doing my bit of Conservative ass kicking last night though.  I might do a bit more of that.

 

 

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Popular liberalism

I have just been accused of being racist because I pointed out to someone that having people selling their children five minutes away from your house is not a good advert for globalisation.

Rather than thinking about it, the person simply called me a racist.  Not surprisingly, this means the conversation is over.

For the benefit of less regular readers, I am a former ethnic minority specialist interviewer.  I am far from racist.  I do have a problem with being unable to mention that I do not find it acceptable to have trafficked prostitutes and the prostituting of children happening unchecked in the UK, which is what is happening.

The person concerned assumed that these people were selling their children because they need the money.  This is not the case.  They have housing, a social network, work, and enough money to have the children in the first place, which is more than I have.

Mentioning it, however, is racist.  It is racist because this guy has none of these issues on his doorstep, and because he has not considered that other cultures are different from his.  Honour killing is still acceptable in some cultures, therefore it is not a huge jump to sell your daughter to a nearby bidder, thereby reducing your food costs and perhaps having enough money to have another child.

From my perspective, it is more racist to assume that just because we have determined that this is not acceptable to us, that the presumption is that you are supposed to be a social worker and, I assume, go around to their house and tell them how to live.  I doubt very much that any unfortunate immigrant has gone to this guy’s house and suggested that he should sell his daughter.  Why then, does he think that we have the right to determine what is right and wrong for this immigrant group, who are behaving in exactly the same way they behaved in Czechoslovakia, Slovenia and several other countries in Eastern Europe?

Likewise, police in the North of England are still shy about concerning themselves with multi-cultural cases of child-grooming.  How long before we grow out of this veiled racist idea of liberalism, where saying anything makes you a pariah?

Can you see how that works?  There is no moral high ground to take.  Either you accept globalisation, increased competition for wages, other culture’s ideas of right and wrong or you decide that no, borders are helpful.  It is ironic that this guy lives in the most protectionist country in the world as he virtue signals at me, whilst not listening to actual problems from a country doing exactly as he suggests.

From a sociological perspective, ghettos forming shortly after new populations enter the country is normal, and it always provokes an upsurge in racist behaviour from people who get fed up having to be accompanied in a neighbourhood they were born in in case of attack. (I was assaulted in the same area I refer to, but I am thinking here of a gentleman who now has to take a taxi 200 yards to the pub because he is not safe.)  I wonder how my snowflake chum would feel about entering a gang fight to get to the child-sellers to provide his idea of ‘help?’

We often glorify our Polish workers.  Meanwhile in Poland they instead take on slave work gangs from North Korea and poorly paid workers from Portugal who cannot get work at home.  The Polish government have also refused point blank to take any Muslims because of their history.  I interviewed one man from Poland who was earning less than I was as a part-time interviewer despite running a huge corporate building site.  What on earth is liberal or fair about that?  What is liberal about the videos of what Polish people like to do to immigrants at home?

Getting people to actually think is not worth the effort, quite a lot of the time, and you do wonder what the outcome of this fear of discussion is likely to be.  As far as I can see, it is designed to create dissent and prevent communication of any kind.  Fear is going to be the destruction of any recognisable form of society.  An excellent climate for the removal of human rights or concern for others on any basis at all.

 

 

 

 

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Blame and Shame, your two biggest enemies

In your battle to stagger through life, there are two big enemies you should avoid.  Blame and Shame.  If there is anything I have learned from my narc sister, it is that people who are devoid of either get on far better in life.  It is much better to have a personality so devoid of empathy or reason that you don’t ever experience any.  Not only are you happier, you can leave everyone else eating your dust whilst you move on to your next miserable task.

I wept for years over the behaviour of my siblings towards my mother.  No decent person could be invited into my life, I thought.  To make matters worse, the only positive person I knew had not turned out to be particularly positive in reality.

I regarded it as a smirch on my character, that three people who clearly regarded themselves as superior would behave in such a shoddy, selfish way.  It took several years for me to wake up one morning and say “Wait a minute, I have taken care of both of their parents.  I have given up any decent prospects to do so, and in addition I have repaired the family home at considerable expense of my time and money whilst they did nothing.  Why am I still hearing tales of how selfish and nasty I am when I stopped speaking to them several years ago?”

This behaviour is called mobbing, and it is employed by stupid and deranged people to avoid responsibility for either helping or acknowledging anything you are doing.  It is classic amongst non-caring children.  It is a reason to do nothing.  As long as they can make your life miserable, they have the excuse to then make your reaction to that, which in my case was to completely ignore them, into a good reason for being even more abusive.  They will continue to do this as long as nobody from outside the family points it out, and nobody ever does.  There is no mechanism for protecting carers from this form of abuse at all.  Try searching for examples online, and you will not find any.  I tried. It is rife, and yet there is no protection at all.

This is exactly how the public behave.  Instead of taking any responsibility for making political decisions and employing anything in the way of actual reason to do so, they elect to delegate it by voting.  A vote for conservative used to mean belief in the monarchy, in militarism and international standing.  It now simply means that you consider the Conservatives to be better at making a more advantageous deal than anybody else, and to hell with the dead people.

“Things were better when there were gentlemen in charge.”

This was said by an elderly neighbour within my lifetime.  This is a hangover from when it was considered noble to serve the public.  The gentlemen in question frequently left their estates to the public.  This is no longer how the class system operates, as I have previously mentioned.  Those gentlemen no longer exist.  To be a well-educated member of the upper classes now means that you are better at taking things than anyone else, a throwback to how many prominent aristocratic families got their status in the first place.  It was highly relevant and useful when we were still conquering uncharted territory, but it does not work so well when the only thing left to take is right here.  You may consider it astonishing that people who have every advantage seek to take more from you, but it is a dog-eat-dog world.

If you are, therefore, in a favoured position as a result of association with such people, it is far more difficult to express the ghastly horror when they take it one step too far, especially when you are conditioned to accept that they are also inclined to ‘mob’ you in much the same way a vile family does.

The recent experience of the last few years has taught me this:  Sometimes it is expedient to employ the methods of the enemy to do the right thing.  Ditch the blame and shame.  Concentrate on what you are good at.  By all means internally acknowledge your mistakes, but focus on what works in terms of moving forward.  Build some new bridges.

I have moved on from the shame of having a repulsive family of money-grubbers, to experiencing shame at being in love with someone that I had no way of knowing was married when I exchanged a few sentences with him.  I refuse to feel bad about it.  There is no way that even I can twist it into being my fault.

Remember – strategy is our thing – focus on that.

I may have to rethink my strategy for the new project.  I will keep you in the loop over the next few weeks, but it looks as if I will be earning the funding, at least.

Toodle pip,

Ina

 

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British society is kept under control with hatred for others

Image result for top hat

I have heard so many ridiculous things from people who have never stepped outside their own limitations in the course of my life that I have now come to this conclusion.

I have had many wry smiles at the events of the last decade or so, particularly with the attitudes of my occasional long term boyfriends. (occasional because they have been around for thirty years and I have maybe spent three months with them in total over that time) I have, as a consequence, developed a healthy disrespect for opinions, since they tend to be formed without much in the way of research.

As I was scribbling the latest short story, it occurred to me that a lot of British culture is about disdain.  Disdain for people outside of one’s class, disdain for people who are socially mobile, disdain for people who are new, disdain for people who are different.  I lived in England for a period in the nineties, and I can honestly count on one hand the number of times anyone gave me any nonsense because I was Scottish.  I cannot say the same thing now.  On my recent trip to see Wolfe, I noticed heads jerking in my direction as soon as I was over the border.  I presume this is media influence. I amused myself by considering that I was braving enemy territory to catch a glimpse of my beloved.

Now, this could be because I am rather class  neutral.  I went to a very tiresome state school, and yet am considerably posher than my privately educated siblings.  I put it down to the binge reading of Wodehouse and a lot of Russian and French philosophers in my formative years, but it could also just be a pose, I don’t know.  I know I have managed to blend in equally well working in the best and worst areas of Glasgow in the course of my research work.

I also transplant easily into rural areas, because I chose to leave Glasgow at 17.  I have lived everywhere from a tin shack on an island farm to a stately home, thereby becoming unclassifiable.

So, when my friends assert that ‘posh gits’ are ‘snobs’ and that I cannot possibly understand why they would say this because I am also comparatively posh, it is very easy for me to wonder if they know what snobbery actually is?

Glasgow has always been particularly stratified.  Different areas don’t like each other.  People will even take a dislike to you because you aren’t interested in hair care products, or because you don’t dress like them.  People used to be segregated on the grounds of being Protestant or Catholic and it is said that the council is still run in this way.  (as someone who is neither of those things, it has always been amusing introducing people to theology during the tentative questioning) Opening your mouth to speak at all can be a problem, and God help you if you actually know anything, because this is ‘giving yourself airs.’  It is a huge failure as a national culture that many Scots just don’t like it if anyone achieves anything.  Even doing something is a problem, as I found out when I did my micro survey to find out if people in the ‘Yes’ movement really understood the figures they were quoting.  I was challenged on the usual basis – “Whit ye dayn that fur?  Who does that cow think she is?”  It is not particularly encouraging for the future that the only way people can agree is if they all slavishly worship individuals and nobody else is allowed to speak.

In considering the ‘No Glass Walls’ project, I am led to consider what is universally appealing.  Many of the things I find funny are sources of boiling fury for others, and my long view of history and decision making are simply not relevant if you are worrying about feeding the cat.  It is difficult to find something universally appealing in a country so obsessed with hate.  Hate the Scots, hate the Lancastrians if you are from Yorkshire, hate the Londoners, hate the Brummies.  I would like to say that English people hate even more than Scots do, but I am not sure that this is really the case.

This leads me to wonder how Britain has been so successful in the ‘Divide and Conquer’ policy within the state.  I look at the USA and see something similar, but they have the benefit of a stratified junk education system to help things along.  Here, there is absolutely nothing to stop you taking your state education and working your way up to Prime Minister if you are able to do the networking and put the hours in.  It isn’t miraculous, it is simply the decisions you make and the work you put in.

So, I wonder, as a mute project, as it will have to be, what is the best way of expressing this self-limiting culture we have created?  How to get people out of their chosen discomfort zone?  The class war is just strata, along with all the other self-made strata people actively choose to maintain.

 

 

 

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That’s My Boy

Here’s a nice piccy of Boris.  I have prepared it in ultra-high resolution for use later.

I have so far come up with a long, long list of things I would like to bring up in the course of the project.  I will need to involve quite a number of interest groups.

Just to make something clear for people who aren’t quite understanding why a genetically predisposed revolutionary Scottish Nationalist is a Boris superfan, there is no malicious intent at all.  I just came up with a rather nice set of ideas which happen to work well together, and I am sure even Boris would agree if it was discussed in any depth.

It is very important to establish that the Conservative party – the party of tradition and maintaining the status quo – develops a  memory at some point.  There have been times in the struggle between right and left, when the right have actually been right.  Boris, as a fellow history buff, will be aware of the ebb and flow of Conservative history, and, subject to the inevitable shooting of the rapids that is actually being in parliament, I am sure he will remember some of the more useful elements of British conservatism if he chooses to think about it.

As I have previously mentioned, Disraeli is a whole lot more useful than Churchill. Whilst I do not forsee ever wanting to actually vote for them, taking my usual interest in their mutual backstabbing is always fun.

Anyway, there is a lot of work to do before I can proceed with the performance component of the project.

Have fun in the meantime,

 

Ina

 

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No Glass Wall

Much of my work as Ina is really about head space.  I have never spent much time actually considering what life would be like if I got whatever it is I purport to want.  Given the lack of likelihood of me ever achieving aims, particularly during the last few years,  life has become a rather tragic comedy.

I see this in other people, even people who have got whatever they thought they wanted. It almost looks as if disappointment is a natural life process, so prevalent is the sense of aging doom.

So to further this concept of there being no glass wall – that even people in public office need to be considered ‘fit for work,’ rather than authority figures who are there to be criticised and abused according to circumstance and the whims of the bun-throwing backseat voting public, I have decided to create a dialogue with Boris in the form of interpretive dance.

I will be doing this whilst writing up Lucifer Ogilvie, and naturally I will be Ina Disguise.

In this way, not only will I amuse Boris, who can enjoy it instead of the daily snifter, as a preference,  I can inspire some thoughtless so-called adults who have been herded into a life of embittered misery and believe that it is natural to lose your spirits/health as you get older.  It is not.

The artwork for Boris is not currently up for sale as I am still working on it and I am not satisfied with my current channels.  If anyone was interested in it, I am sure I could have a chat with you, but I don’t do this work with financial aims at the moment.  I would rather get to the point of meeting an actual publisher at some point and settling down to some more serious work.

Naturally, since even a casual skimming would reveal that I have had a particularly nasty year and am about to have another one, I am not feeling particularly great in real terms.  The only good part really is that Boris is far less concerned about image than Wolfe was, so I feel a bit more liberated in terms of what I can and cannot do. Emotional investments are not very convenient when  it comes to this kind of work.

The video project will probably commence in the spring, until then I will be undergoing some preparation work and trying to balance at least two full time jobs. Ina Disguise is Fit for Work.

 

 

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Logo Change and New Video Project

Logo change today, I have been plotting this for some time, but today I finally went ahead and did it.  So far it has been very popular with my facebook list. Here it is:

I am in a very dancey kind of mood at the moment.  I wonder if it could have something to do with the video component of the Boris Johnson Experience Project?  We are doing a lot of plotting and planning………

 

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Life is nicer with a clear conscience

I have always been fascinated by people who habitually attempt to cheat on other people.

I have done it, in the distant past, but very quickly gained sufficient stature and notoriety that everyone was aware of what I was doing and nobody seemed to be that bothered.  Being considered so desirable that you have a few people wondering if they can distract you sufficiently to consider them as your only partner is a nice place to be.

What I can never understand is people who bother lying about it.  This seems tedious.  I am aware, because I have been with such people, that for some it is a kind of game to see how far you can push someone.  This is not particularly healthy behaviour, and it is a bit manipulative. It is usually easier to just leave and go find somebody else.

This goes for friendships as well.  It is easier to keep things honest, even if honest is not always what people want from you.  One thing you learn as an itinerant caterer, is that your entire life can collapse overnight, so you simply learn not to invest terribly much in one person.

There is an inherent grubbiness in a more superficial perception of the world. If you are not investing terribly much, then anyone who is is either stupid, or so different from you that they had no business being in your life in the first place.  This then becomes tiring, and inevitably the lack of stability affects other functionality.  Unless you have retained that ‘centre of the universe’ position I first mentioned, life becomes rather shaky and so do you.

Having lived through these periods, and seen many different interest groups, with considerably different value systems, I selected a kind of lonely nobility.  I try to do the right thing, and I try to avoid people in order to avoid doing the wrong thing to suit them. It is not particularly sociable, but this saves a lot of time.

This may seem very strange to anyone following the chain of thought that goes with my attempts to become more confident and less anti-social, but I think the way I am approaching other people now is better than it was before.  I used to drop everything if someone needed something.  I used to consider how useful I could make myself, and anything I wanted took a poor second place.

The current projects are of sufficient magnitude for this to now be irrelevant.  Smaller tasks from other people, designed to distract and confuse, are now easy to turn down and bigger tasks, for the larger projects are broken into things I can do every day.  It may seem strange to take on enormous tasks for people I do not know, but when they are more interesting, more challenging, and may lead to actual change they seem worthwhile.  I have basically made my absurd helpfulness bigger, more confusing and more abstract in order to achieve an even bigger aim ultimately.

Time will tell if I have selected the correct people to bless with my angle of change, but both Wolfe and Boris are sufficiently intelligent to figure out what is happening and why when the time comes.  It is going to take a long time.

At least is it less boring, even if it does seem odd.

Put the booze down and listen to the orb, Boris. Make it loud.

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That ‘Oh God I Suck’ Moment

We all have them.

If we are incredibly cowardly or take ourselves too seriously, we don’t do anything at all because of them.

If we let things get to us too much, or have too much pride, we allow it to stop us, because it is easier to say we suck and laugh it off.

If we then go to the next step, we sneer at other people who don’t feel the same way.

I spent months saving the money to make Bordello Rhetoric.  I knew exactly what I wanted to do, I lavished attention on it.  Now I look at it and I say NOOOOOOOOOOOO.

It is a development piece.  I did not take inspiration from anyone but Boris himself for this piece of work.  I did not even need to plan it.  I knew exactly what I wanted to do, and I went ahead and did exactly that. It involved importing agate from a quarry in India, importing the beads from a manufacturer in Germany, sourced Georgian handles from an antique collector, an ungodly amount of resin, and a ratty old box gifted by a friend. (the principle of the Boris Johnson collection is to render unemployed furniture ‘Fit for Work’ by means of artifice, and preferably guile) I replaced the castors twice, which alone cost me a week of 24 hour caring for my mother in financial terms.  24/7 care is a lot of hours, and requires a lot of commitment if you want to avoid being robbed by the social work department and having your mother killed by an institution.  So why do I hate myself for it now?

Well, because I should have used my shades of colour more effectively and done a better blend on the beadwork.  Yes it is quite stunning, but it could be more stunning.  Yes it is as I intended, but it could be better because I had no reference point.  It is nice, but it is not as nice as it could be if I had visualised it more effectively.

Life is not like that.  If I had known I would fall crazily in love with a health guru, I would have looked after myself better.  If I had known that the NHS would kill my mother anyway, I would not have been investing every penny in keeping her well by natural means.  Hindsight is a wonderful thing.  This also applies to our artwork.

We should never feel bad about completing a piece of work that we no longer like by the end of it, nor should we worry about promoting pieces we no longer like, because as creators we are not trustworthy judges of what is good or bad.  I have thrown out pieces that other people thought were works of genius in the past, because I knew I would do something better.  When I first came across Wolfe, quite apart from not knowing how to get his attention any other way, all I could think about was how I could make him better, and better, and better.  I am still guilty of this.  Instead of appreciating what people or objects are, I strive for improvement.

My friend is even worse than this.  You cannot ask him to collaborate on a project from the beginning, because the objections are so many and varied that the project never starts.  He is, however adept at finishing work.  Once you think you are finished, he is ideal for finding details that you never thought of.

It took more than three years of deep and probably constant thought before I realised that I was the problem.  My desire for perfection was neither realistic, nor desirable.  Wolfe was right, I was wrong.  What matters is the doing, not the striving. The methodology is less important than the result.  When I finally accepted this, which took some time, Ina was born.

Conceptual thinking is probably more important than technique, when it comes to actually developing your work and ideas.  Acceptance of imperfection is necessary to reach mastery, because if you really care about your work, you very quickly realise that you will never truly become a master of anything.  I am fortunate that as a former chef, who worked for culinary glory for many years, I was aware of the futility of perfection.  I just hadn’t realised how universally applicable the concept was until I met my far more successful and happy twin (Wolfe and I were born twelve days apart, which was part of the reason for the level of focus)

So, when you have your own ‘Oh God I suck’ moment, feel good about it.  You learned something, and you need never feel ashamed of growth.  It is likely that nobody will even notice your mistake, because mistakes are often painfully beautiful, even when they drive you crazy.

 

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