Chaos meets Order

What happens when chaos meets order?

I already know the answer to this, and order doesn’t come off well.

Management of chaos, therefore, is a far more desirable skill in terms of life.

Order is nice now and again, but it is very much like building a house of cards, and we know what happens with a house of cards, now don’t we?

The nice thing about chaos, is that it implies life, and life is sometimes glorious. Having had my order disturbed and replaced it with chaos, life is far more glorious as a result.

I am a happy camper for a minute or two.

Maybe it is all about being patient.

Must sleep.



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The Joy of Work

Got some more products for Ina underway.  I think I would like to add a bunch of logo based products to some of the print-on-demand lines and maybe actually add the link to the website as things are a bit bitty at the moment.  (I started a project with Wolfe’s face on VIDA, and haven’t done any more with it.

Working on the screenplay for my film director ex, who is now sitting downstairs with fake Boris and DOING MY HEAD IN with nagging.  This is the hazard of making people well, really, isn’t it?

We need to establish that the camera is talking to the computers this morning too.

It is so nice to be able to make some progress.  I actually feel physically better as a result.  Managed to get 12k in yesterday.

Now aware of being unpleasantly besotted with the IBM, but being able to think about it without actual terror is a huge relief.

I wish I could say that I am a more cool and disengaged person generally as it would probably make my workflow less erratic, but I do seem to be a bundle of emotional nerves generally and it is probably quite central to my work.

A more interesting IBM short story is on the way, possibly today, but we shall see how it goes with the screenplay and sorting out the camera issues before I think about getting the car back.

Trying to think how best to approach getting better at the actual job.  I evidently have issues with the process.  It ought to be obvious, but my brain is not liking it, so I have to think around the problem.  I am sure I will think of something before my return to work.

So happy to be at home.  I looked into the alternatives yesterday, and short of buying a very cheap aircraft hangar, I am afraid I, and indeed anyone, would rather be here.  The selfish little shits will just have to spend their own money rather than mine.

And so begins the mammoth and obstacle ridden journey towards being Ina Disguise whilst persuading the IBM of my sometimes honorable intentions.




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Moroccan Boys

There seem to be an awful lot of them, for a start.  I am not sure what happens to all the spare girls.  I haven’t bothered to look up the rates of infanticide before posting.

The first thing I noticed when I initially arrived was the mark.  They all have the mark.  Very few Moroccan street boys don’t have a little round scar under their jawline from where someone has pressed a knife to enforce rules of some sort.

The second thing I noticed was the sliding scale of racism.  One of the worst racial incidents I have ever seen was in Morocco.  Two oriental people were trying to board a plane to the UK, and they were summarily dragged off it.  Another East Asian from London complains bitterly on Tripadvisor on how badly he was treated in Morocco.

I am usually treated extremely well, because I am very down to earth and I am quite savvy.  There is a kind of hive mind, where if you don’t piss people off, you are under the protection of a selection of random strangers, and I have been fortunate several times that I seem to be OK.

“Are you American? English? German? French?  Ooooh you are Scottish.” Big smiles and offers of mint tea usually follow, thanks to the Moroccan love of football.

Besides that, Marrakech in particular is basically just the Barras and the merchant city dropped into the Sahara.  If you aren’t a moron, you will be fine, but hell mend you if you are.  I also recommend you do your shopping after midnight, as that is when the locals do it during the hotter months.

I could go into detail and tell you some amusing tales of people trying to rip me off, but Berbers regard this as a game, and if you win they quite like you for it.  If you have an attitude or you are horrible, you will not have a good time, so basically go somewhere where your bullshit is appreciated.

I will never forget the boy who was sent to perform the carpet shop con.  The carpet shop con is where a 19 year old or so is sent to offer to be your guide.  He is usually quite cute apart from the scars.  The boy who was sent after me on this occasion was heavily scarred and physically shaking because he knew he wouldn’t get far with me.  I was bulk buying wool at the wrong end of the souk in Marrakech.

“I will show you the tannery? ”  he said hopefully.

“Nope, I am buying wool.”

“The dyers?”

“Buying wool”

“Argan Oil?”


“Carpet shop?

“Look mate, I make carpets.  I’ll sell you a fucking carpet OK?”  He was utterly terrified, especially when about ten of my friends mobbed him to tell him to stop.  I actually felt sorry for him because I knew he would probably get another slash across the face for not managing to drag me up there.

The idea is that you get very lost in the medina, and then you are dragged to a shop where you are shown a selection of very expensive carpets whilst drinking tea and whilst the store owner figures out how much money they can sting you for.  Why they wanted me is a mystery, given that I had wisely chosen to wear my studio clothes on that trip.  I was as scruffy and covered in paint as everyone else.

Anyway, the training for this starts with street performance as a child.  One of my favourites was a low level firework which you watched whilst a child robbed you.  This time I was rescued by the food vendors in Jemaa el-Fnaa, who dissuaded the tiny team from going through my 12 pockets.

I love Berbers but don’t learn management strategy from a Berber.  Ruling by fear and a knife is not the same as leadership, and lying through your teeth all day every day is not a happy way to live.  By all means learn haggling, but not management.

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Post 400 – work etiquette

I got some mail asking questions about the last month or so of posts, so I am going to answer them in this post, which is by coincidence, the 400th post.

In reference to the IBM – “Are you stupid?  Why are you apologising for a compliment?”

It is not appropriate in this situation for me to be complimenting this person, and I heard myself do it rather than thinking about it.  Some people it would not matter but it upset him, upset me and it should not have happened.  If I acted like it didn’t matter then I would not be the very serious and slightly geeky chick that I actually am.

Why would you be leaving over it?

I have had people get annoyed with me for not being what they expected before – despite my having been very driven in the course of my career, I do resemble a slightly upmarket hippy that has just left an orgy most of the time and people do get the wrong idea.  I wish I could be bothered conforming in order to get on with being a work nazi, but I am afraid I am no longer neurotic enough to be as universally good at everything as I used to be.  I do not think that this is a bad thing, to be honest as I was not a happy camper, nor was I much fun to work with.

Are you in love or what?

I’m not likely to be around long enough to find out, but at no point have I made such a claim.  The dude has my every sympathy for the issues relating to nerves and ambition, and I want him to have the career I didn’t get to have.

Why didn’t you get annoyed?

I’m very annoyed – with myself.

What is going to happen to you?

Nothing pleasant, but that isn’t new.

Why is it such a big deal?

I am a person, not a robot, and if I do not treat myself as if I matter, nobody else will.  They like to try to make me feel bad anyway, so I don’t see why I should stand there and take it.  It hasn’t served me well in the past, and it won’t now.

Aren’t you just procrastinating rather than getting on with your project?

A bit, but there are a lot of other issues affecting the project at the moment.  The car is in the garage, Twisty is on the way to hospital, and my family is being unpleasant, so I have to prioritise.  The timing has to be right for Boris anyway.

When are you going to stop worrying about other people and take care of yourself?

As soon as I am not upsetting anybody, which is probably never.


Thank you for reading the blog for the last 3 years or so, and I hope to be more progressive shortly.



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Ina Disguise Recovery

We have just reached the user level I was at before the website crashed at the end of 2016.  We have never reached post Brexit referendum figures, which I am glad about, because I like to be able to keep track of at least two of my daily visitors.  I am very grateful for their continuing support.

Blog readers seem to be mainly separate from readers of the books or viewers of the other pages, which is a shame because I like to veer between different skillsets.  I am almost over my uniform rage following my mother’s death (see posts from August to December 2017 for why that would be)

I have been pretty lazy about pushing some things forward of late.  This job, which I fought to get because I wanted to get back into this particular arena, is quite intensive in terms of mind space use, mainly because the shifts are very long and the job relies on your ability to follow complex documents.  I am not as great at that as I used to be.  I am better at some things, and worse at others.  I need to work on that, but I think I am better at deciding on alone time than I used to be.

Nevertheless, I am now at the point where I need to sew, which is good, although I would like to also work on Lucifer Ogilvie, as it is more cheerful than real life.  I cannot think about Boris for long without feeling a bit happier about life in general.

So, given that I will inevitably need a new laptop soon, I will need to push on with the stuff I can do.

Hopefully I should be able to make some progress on the Toby Jugs and Wolfe’s cameo before I make serious headway on the chair.  Call me Al needs some finishing work, which will take a few days, and I have some resin to go ahead and complete Darius Guppy and Iain Duncan Smith at last.

Otherwise, I am feeling a bit sad, as the car is seriously ill again and I do not want to let it die.  This is not a good time of year for that, but I have a couple of interviews for additional work on the go, so hopefully that will make life a bit easier pending my probable change of job.

It is tiresome, doing the right thing, but then so is the predictability of humans.


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FTAO the Incredibly Beautiful Man

Started work on story five, thought it was a bit too overt so I am awaiting a less raunchy one I think,

I probably need some help in the form of another person before I lay down the overhead design on the chair, so I will need a visitor to come and sit in the shell.  Twisty may do it if he feels better soon.

I am going to make one last stab at this, since we are not at work at the moment.

Ina Disguise exists to look at beautiful men.  The name was created in honour of Wolfe, for reasons which he will fully grasp due to one of his naughtier habits on facebook.  I have no issue with failed romance, because that is what sparks off any work I do.  The only aberration so far has been Boris.  Boris is here because I like Boris, and because he provides a very helpful counterpoint to my other work.

I have no idea how to make things OK between us.

I have tried conversation to redirect us a bit, and we seem to be heading in the direction of frustrated aggression.  I do not want this to be the case.

I had no idea you were with anyone, and to be honest, I did not intend to say anything to you in the first place.  It was out of my hands entirely.

Twisty would verify that you had not even been mentioned before I told you your seriousness was astonishingly beautiful.  Basically every other particle of me knew before I did, to cut a long story short.  The only other thing I can say I remember is you telling somebody on the shift you would need to think about something (relatively pointless) before answering them, and I apparently found that rather charming.

You did not appear to be worried or upset by it until last weekend or so.  I do not know if your relationship is new or if something bothered you about me knowing about it, but it doesn’t really matter now.  You should just have said in the first place.  I said the wrong thing, and I fully accept that, although it was not apparently something I could help.

Now the problem is impending hostility, and I would rather there wasn’t any.  I have every respect for your management ability, with the exception of the brusque bits, which are not necessary and which will not do you any favours in the future.

When people seem to double-talk you, it is usually because they are scared or anxious for other reasons, and the most helpful response is to laugh so that they are comfortable to explain things to you.

My computer, which I advised you was not connecting with the drive, has now been flagged by bank security systems as being faulty, so I was not lying to you or being difficult at all.

Thank you for staying outwith a four foot radius, as the rockets are not nearly so bad, although there does seem to be some cumulative effect from being in the same room for twelve hours.  The constant ovulation thing has happened twice before, but not with the associated physical symptoms making it incredibly difficult when we are in a training room, for example.  Chemistry is a strange thing, and it is not something either of us can do anything about.

I am very sorry that I cannot get off the shift and leave you and your friend in peace, especially as the entire situation is very upsetting for me.  I appreciate that you have other things that are of far more interest, but I am not at all happy to be trapped in this situation. I do not need any more unpleasantness in my life when my family are busy planning to destroy my home.

Please can we either sort things out so that you are reassured of my continuing support, or avoid future communication so that I can get on with my work?  Either way will have little impact on completion of the work as Ina Disguise.  I do not require more feeding to produce output.  I just don’t want to be frightened any more, and I would rather we did not fall out over something I cannot help.  If this cannot be resolved then I have to leave the job very soon.



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Being upset doesn’t help anybody

I have removed a lot of posts, not because I am denying that I lost my cool over this situation, but because my being miserable helps nobody.

You can decide, if you are fortunate, not to be miserable and negative about almost anything.

In this case, I am not genuinely upset that the dude is with somebody.  She is a much steadier kind of person, and she is lovely.  She shook her lovely hair at me the other day and I noted that it had taken a great amount of care.

It is unfortunate that I cannot currently get away and leave them to it. That is the part that really bothers me at the moment.  A lady gets the fuck out the way at this point. I feel very nervous about the potential disaster of this combined with the dude’s nerves.  I have a book on CPTSD which I may pass on which will help with part of this.  I think I will give it to her rather than him.

Being messed with at work?  Well I guess that makes life less dull.  Who knew that my nuclear hormones cannot allow my brain to work properly?  I had certainly forgotten.

Unexpectedly writing an extra book and starting a new collection ought to be a good thing, particularly with the apparently interminable delays in the Boris project.

Anyway, should they stop by, I have removed my personal response to the situation and left up only useful bits in terms of storyline.  I am sorry, but there was no other way of communicating and I do not do silent forbearance any more.  I learned from the Wolfe episode that it does not matter how loudly you shout about things, nobody is listening anyway and even when they are, they only hear the bits they want to hear.

So today it is back to my real job, which is taking care of this place and being Ina.

I am thinking about taking on some extra work, with a view to doing one of my usual crab like sidesteps, since this garbage has taught me that 1.  Half my week is now wiped out with emotional crap and sleeping, and 2. I’m very lonely despite the best efforts of my friends.  The impending three months of ovulation is not going to help with either of those things.

The car was damaged last week and is away.  I will feel more positive once my horizons are a little bigger.

I think I will fast for a month or two and maybe get corsetted for the good of my poor spine.

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Some Notes on Creative Process

This is a difficult general topic to approach, as everyone is different and you change in the course of your career.

In the case of Ina, the person behind this website was, I think it is fair to say, repressed.  My mother in particular, who latterly admitted that I was ‘a bit too sexy’ wanted to dissuade me from getting into terrible trouble.  I managed to get into some anyway, but probably not enough.

So, my artistic process usually arises from emotion.  I don’t really have a normal way of dealing with lust, love in a romantic sense, so my approach is to find a way of intellectualising or analysing it with a view to killing it dead as being undesirable.

Feelings are very inconvenient things really, especially when they are unrequited so I have often been glad of the outlet, but I see from the difference between my work and the work emerging from art schools that I have an unusually childlike and robust approach.

The pieces are very rarely designed, as such.  It is more of a process of gathering some random bits in a pile and then something emerges.  The writing is very similar.  I have a bundle of ideas which I reassemble into something coherent.

Some things, like my mother’s children, render me incoherent, so the quality tends to be more erratic.  Romance, however, seems to benefit from delays, problems and distance, so it is ideal for this emotional form of creativity.  The motion of making a carpet or sewing also emulates penetration, so it is quite a barbaric way of expressing myself.

Hence, it does not matter what happens, it is all useful. I can see from the last two posts, for example, that despite my fury I am extremely fond of the IBM, to the point that I don’t really want to touch him in case he breaks.

Creativity does give you a method of stepping back from things.  Things that upset you directly are often funny or extremely helpful in the bigger picture.  I had no idea I was so seasoned in people management until very recently.  I knew I was a decent boss, but I had no idea how finely tuned that is.

I also understand the safety of the Glass Wall, which is what my current project for Boris is all about.  It is not useful safety however, and I will not be retreating to suit anybody.  It is, sadly, a no compromise situation.

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Cutesy Stories

Who knows how cute the next story will be?  I wonder what the level of cute in your story indicates?

I am very interested in the amount of swapping going on in the stories.  I do not interact with the Incredibly Beautiful Man terribly much, but I seem to have an awful lot to say, so much so that it takes several different characters to say it all.  I am quite happy with the way things are developing so far, although I am only marginally less terrified than I was in the first place.

I am looking a lot more writerly however, so it is a very useful process.

Also started sculpting the chair last night.  It is a big job, but I think it will be worthwhile, if somewhat expensive.

We are now entering a very difficult time, as five months has apparently been judged sufficient for my siblings to utterly disrespect my mother and I following their display of enthusiasm for her death.  They have made years of expensive mistakes which they frankly cannot afford to pay for.

I am, needless to say, less than impressed by the murderous little shits.  I wonder how much they think twenty two years of harassment and negative behaviour is worth?  I cannot imagine being them, so it is hard to imagine that they actually believe they would deserve anything.

This has been a hard month, however I am sure next month will be better.  Still waiting for cables, sigh.




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