Ina the steamroller

Work has now begun in earnest on the games.  I had the graphics prepared, but I am now having to rename about a thousand pictures so that the scripts can handle them.  I cannot tell you how mind numbing it is even to organise the files when you have them.

I also want to get rid of the preparation work for the Boris Johnson book, so that I can get back to doing my academic reading for the original book.

Why I needed Wolfe’s approval to write the book I do not know, but apparently I did.  The previous stabbing pain every time I thought about it has gone, and I am quite keen to get on with it, to the point of resurrecting a positively ancient computer to get the old files so that I do not have to retype the material I have left.

For those regular readers who assume that I have some sinister motives about this, that is not the point of me at all.  Please feel free to listen to the following audio:

 

That is the point of the work I am doing.  It is nothing to do with seduction and everything to do with immortality and the divine inspirational spirit.

When I say this, I do not strictly mean that I am ‘moved by the spirit, man.’  I mean that you follow an inspirational path where it leads as long as it benefits you and the other party.  Where I refer to the beloved, it simply means the recipient of love, rather than implying any relationship that does not exist.  I think I have been very clear everywhere that there is no relationship between Wolfe and I at all, except in my imagination.

What I have to do now, is stop thinking about it, and do the work.  Time will tell if it has any outcome at all, but now that I feel free to do it, it is going to get done with as much efficiency as I can manage.

Looking forward to releasing some artwork shortly, which will mark the beginning of the Boris Johnson period.

 

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Reflection is over-rated

Today I had to wait in a lot for various phone calls.  I have edited a few stories, which rather alarmed me as I thought I had caught all my spare commas.  The cats have been patted, the errands have been run, and I have reflected far too much.

The last few months have been rather eventful.  I have lost 60lb, gone to see somebody I was trying to avoid, been through a mammoth battle for my mother’s health, which is still apparently ongoing, and had to suffer the invasion of my home by allegedly well-meaning infiltrators who want to tell me how to live my life.  You would never guess that I have a brain at all.  I have also had to tell my last remaining offline friend not to return, partially because of the now perpetual drama and interference, which could conceivably kill him with stress, (he was already hospitalised once with the effects, and I was not going to allow this to happen again) and partially because the friendship, whilst good for him, was very bad for me.

Any one of these things would take their toll on a person, never mind all of them, but I have responded reasonably well I think.  The trick now is to avoid reflection.

I don’t want to think about the years since my father died.  I want to move on, create some great work, write a beautiful book or three, and ensure that my mother has as peaceful a life as possible.  Thanks to her unconventional diet, she is stable.  The NHS hate this, but apparently they will have to learn to live with it.  I dread to think how fast she will die in the event that she has to go anywhere else, however, as even the three days that I was effectively absent from caring for her caused a dip.

My friend from the Gambia is trying to worm his way back in to chatting with me every night.  I have no idea what benefit he thinks he will derive from achieving his aim.  I assume he thinks that I am rich.  It certainly isn’t because he wants to do any work.  We have already established this.  Why I am to sit and wait for his next crisis and provide I do not know.  I have no beanstalk in my garden, and alas no magic beans.

In a week or so I am hoping that I will be able to release the first pieces in the Boris Johnson collection.  They are looking rather nice, but there is still a lot of work to do as my studio is rather small for furniture.  I have some lining work to do, which I hate, and about seven days of sewing on the carpet for it.  In the meantime, I am in a writing mood, so I think I will make a start on the book for the Boris collection.  There will also have to be some short stories, and a new series will commence for the release of these.

I am also planning to do some further releases on Amazon.  I notice that somebody has pirated some work of mine on there already, so I have to go through their rather cumbersome copyright process.  I was ignoring it because whoever-it-is is presumably publicising my books, and I thought I would just let them.

All in all, I don’t think I should waste any more time than I have already wasted on reflection.  I don’t particularly envy anyone, and I think things happen for good reasons.  You cannot underestimate your own significance, however. I am feeling rather more inclined to be noisier than I used to be, which can only be a good thing given the very large task ahead.

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Authors and ideas

Authors and ideas

Am I the only person that finds images of shirtless men on the cover of a book a sure signal that I will never want to read anything by that author?

Am I the only person that finds stories of extra-marital affairs, alpha billionaires and taboo relationships depressing?

Am I the only person that could cheerfully never read anything involving warlocks or wizards?

All of the above seem to have brat packs of authors who roam my timeline in droves, until I eventually unfollow them all.  I cannot be the only person that feels like this? They are very good at supporting one another, however, and I regularly see them gleefully exchanging reviews when they bring out another of their titles.

They even have this thing called a ‘cover reveal’ before releasing these works of brilliance.

I am, for the moment, also a member of ‘Writer’s Group’ on Facebook, a group so vicious that it appears to be a forum for mutual stabbing between chapters.  Only today, I was attacked by a woman with a rather spurious grasp of reality challenging some comments I had made about book marketing on the grounds that I had apparently failed to take the Medieval period into account when talking about writing and marketing.  My response was that her queries were about as relevant as asking how many pre-1960 paperbacks had survived until the present day.  (It is also rather ironic that she picked someone with an advanced knowledge of Medieval history, particularly in relation to art for this ridiculous challenge)

Writers, as far as I can see from this and previous experience, are an odd bunch.  The people who like to write copious amounts of trash like to give you advice in order to absorb you into a herd of equally miserable and unimaginative people, and the others tend to roam alone, seeking validation from the occasional lonely paragraph.  I also see a lot of people trying to write before they have lived much of a life, which causes them no end of heartbreak when they hit a writer’s block.

There are many people who have a very limited life and write beautifully, but sometimes you need to grow into your ideas.  My original book, now that I have taken it out and looked at it again, is a lofty challenge requiring precise organisation, and I feel I have a better grasp of what I am trying to achieve.

You could try to argue that I am benefiting from the distance of time.  You could say that I now have more writing experience, but you would be incorrect about both of those things because that is not the reason I can easily let go of a chapter or two.

Because it had morphed from a health database to a holistic tome about obesity, to a massive state of the nation style commentary, it had some scattiness.  I have now, looking over it again, pinpointed exactly what I wanted to do with it and where the weaknesses were.

The overarching theme of the last few years has been weakness.  Weakness for food, weakness for emotion, weakness for not accepting the inevitable.  Chopping out the dead wood makes my ideas stronger, makes my book and I more likely to succeed.

Chopping out the dead wood is never a pleasant process, in life or in writing.  Focusing on what you really want, rather than what you actually need is also a most unpleasant process.  In my present lonely state, it is not easy to shut everyone out, but in a creative sense, it is the only thing that makes sense.  It is too important not to let my higher self take over whilst I have the luxury of time to make my vision happen.

Vision is a strange thing.  When it is thwarted for a long time, it causes an almost physical pain.  I cannot force this plant, because to make it grow it requires the attention of more than one gardener.  What I can do is give it the best possible chance of thriving, and to do this I apparently have to be alone for the moment.  I cannot tell you how this fills me with despair.  Nevertheless, after several wasted years of self-abuse to avoid feeling anything, I now feel something.  I look about ten years younger than I did last week just admitting it.

And yet, the answer is more seclusion, probably on a permanent basis.

 

 

 

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The Gift and implications thereof

Mauss The Gift on wikipedia

Mauss The Gift

Mauss is interesting about gifts.  His idea is, broadly speaking, that capitalists do not like presents and will actively avoid them if they fear the risk of reciprocity.

The principle of my artwork is not reciprocity.  The idea is more that I am leaving a souvenir. A token of my appreciation in this case.

I have found over the years that people react in a variety of ways, often these ways are negative.  The gift is sometimes seen as an invasion, a focus for their negative feelings, and a source of blame.  There must be something wrong with me as gift giver, there must be something sinister about my intentions.

As there has usually been some history between me and the recipient, and the history is generally pretty odd, as histories go, sometimes the gift seems like the last thing I should do.

Speaking as the giver, that is irrelevant.  If you are a source of inspiration, I feel it is only fair that you get something for the rollercoaster that has gone with being the focus of my attention.  I am a difficult creature, and even if you have not been aware of my being difficult, I am, and so I like to give gifts.

In the most recent case, I have restrained myself somewhat and given a small but meaningful gift, with the intention of a bigger gift later.  In this way I am preparing to go to war with some pretty dark forces, and my hope is that the most recent recipient, who understands the need for it, will take this as a symbol of hope whilst I work on the weapons.

Anyway, I hope that my gift has not caused too many problems, and wish you every happiness with it.

Toodle pip,

 

Ina

Honey I made you an icon replacement page

 

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Honey I made you an icon replacement page

The box took four months to make, I have included the stones because I know reiki fans will like to see what I am actually saying to him.

Honey, I made you an icon as a title was intended to reflect ‘Honey, I shrunk the kids’ rather than meaning anything more significant, although  it could be taken in several ways, all of which are applicable.

The style is intended to be early medieval/childlike, which has been a feature of the Sheep in Wolfe’s clothing collection, and so it is a pretty relaxed piece of work.

The box appears to be functional orgonite, although a Gauss meter will be required to verify this.  All I can tell you is that I stored it in a room that I previously avoided in the house, and I now spend most of my time there.

This is the first time I have been able to give a gift and not had a massive argument, accusations of madness or otherwise vile behaviour associated with it.  Previous problems included having to sneak into people’s workplaces and leaving things under their desks and hiding the fact that I made anything at all.

Considering that I tried to give Wolfe a much bigger present previously, and had a ridiculous number of problems with trying to deliver it, this is particularly remarkable.

The short story Romance meets Death has more about my process if interested, and it is free.

Orgonite Box, made for David Wolfe. Gems include

Crazy Lace agate – Protection from Evil Eye, Decision-making, Focus – Laughter Stone

Agate – Protection, Calming, Courage – motivated, creative, and productive

Blue lace agate – Gentleness, Tranquility, Communication

Moss agate – corrects left-right brain imbalances and stimulates creativity. Spiritual metaphysical properties aid abundance and attract nature spirits

Amazonite – Stone of Courage and the Stone of Truth

Amethyst – intellectual and cerebral thought

Aquamarine – calming, soothing, and cleansing, and inspires truth, trust and letting go

Aventurine –  “Stone of Opportunity,” thought to be the luckiest of all crystals, especially in manifesting prosperity and wealth, or for increasing favor in competitions or games of chance

bloodstone – carries the purity of blood and inherently speaks of life and birth, vitality and strength, passion and courage

Bismuth – energy and vitality and can help you to achieve your goals, especially when working as part of a team. It can be used to support transformation by aiding travel between the physical plane and realms of astral and spirit. It can also help with visualisation while shamanic journeying. Bismuth aids in relieving feelings of overwhelm, isolation and loneliness.

Calcite – symbolizes cleansing. This is the perfect crystal to have with you when you’re looking for a big change in your life, or when you need to make a fresh new start.This crystal will amplify the flow of energy in your body and help you with your mental expansion. There will be a shift in your perspective, and there will be a renewed sense of commitment in you that will make anything you want to do possible.

carnelian – the singer’s stone – said to attract prosperity, new resources and good luck. It is a talisman for success in any money-making venture. In the workplace, it is a crystal of ambition, drive and determination, and wards off undue pressures of co-workers or impersonal corporations with unrealistic expectations.

Citrine Quartz – The Merchant’s Stone for its properties of increase in the cashbox, sparkling yellow Citrine not only assists in acquiring wealth, but helps in maintaining it. [Melody, 209] It is a stone of abundance and manifestation, attracting wealth and prosperity, success and all things good. It also encourages generosity and sharing good fortune

Fluorite – will help you know when there are external forces trying to control or manipulate you, and it can effectively shut down any kind of mental or psychic manipulation. This is a particularly useful crystal to have at work when you are surrounded by hostile or opposing forces. It’s also a powerful crystal to ward off negative energies that threaten your personal relationships. Fluorite can get rid of any electromagnetic fog that can attract or retain negative energies and make you feel psychically, emotionally, or mentally lethargic.

Garnet – utilization of creative energy. It grounds spirit forces within the body and helps in the ability to work lovingly on the physical plane. Garnet is a sensual stone. It represents primordial fire, the creation of the world out of chaos, purification and love. It is a stone of strong, intense feelings.

Gold Tiger’s eye – bringing sharpness to one’s inner vision and better understanding of the cause and effect of each situation. It encourages one to use their powers wisely, and allows scattered information to be brought together to a cohesive whole.

Green Garnet – a stone of confidence, and stability in challenges. It is said to be particularly beneficial and stabilizing in lawsuits. Green Garnet is used for manifestation and both physical and spiritual abundance. It is also a stone of service, enhancing one’s will and ability to serve and energizing cooperative efforts. Green Garnet is a fertility stone and said to particularly enhance fertility when one meditates upon it.

Glass –

Hematite – a good stone for organizing one’s thoughts and developing logical thinking skills

Hiddenite – dispels negativity, shielding the body’s aura from unwanted energies and mental influences, and dispelling attached entities. It also works in the environment to block geopathic stress. Wear as a pendant or tape to a cell phone or other electromagnetic devices

Howlite – It will give you the gift of wisdom and enlightenment. It can help you connect to higher realms and remove the veils that are blocking the truths in your life. Howlite is a great tool to have during meditation because it can help you focus your mind. It can promote serenity of mind and remove any kind of distracting thought.

Jade – “Dream Stone,” revered in ancient cultures, as well as today, to access the spiritual world, gain insight into ritualistic knowledge, encourage creativity, and dream-solve. [Melody, 341][Raphaell, 161] It is cherished as a protective talisman, assuring long life and a peaceful death, and is considered a powerful healing stone. [Mella, 87] An amulet of good luck and friendship,

Red Jasper – Stone of Endurance, a gentle, but vital, stimulator of chi, or Life Force, bringing physical strength and energy, stamina, focus and determination. Its steady frequency calms the emotional body creating a lasting, stable energy for improving health or overcoming illness, setting goals and following through to completion, facing unpleasant tasks and having the courage to rectify wrongs

Yellow Jasper – a talisman of protection and discernment, utilized by priests, shamans and spirit guides to guard man in both his physical travels, as well as his spiritual journeys. It provided inner strength and mental clarity, and its slow, stabilizing energy makes it equally valued today for those same properties. It holds a deep connection to the Earth and is a marvelous aid for grounding and insight in spiritual work, mind travel or deep meditations. Yellow Jasper stimulates the Solar Plexus Chakra and amplifies self-confidence and courage, bringing energy and enthusiasm to one’s life and relationships. Its energies are particularly effective in revealing false people and for deflecting jealousy or spite

Kunzite – calms nervousness during an examination, interview or assessment, and is useful in situations where you cannot show irritation

Rare fusion of hiddenite and kunzite

Lapis Lazuli – a powerful crystal for activating the higher mind and enhancing intellectual ability. It stimulates the desire for knowledge, truth and understanding, and aids the process of learning. It is excellent for enhancing memory. [Simmons, 227][Ahsian, 228] A stone of truth, Lapis encourages honesty of the spirit, and in the spoken and written word. Wear it for all forms of deep communication. It is also a stone of friendship and brings harmony in relationships.

Lepidolite – a wonderful stone for promoting joy, gratitude, and self-love, yet all in an extremely calm and serene way.

Malachite – a protection stone, absorbing negative energies and pollutants from the atmosphere and from the body. It guards against radiation of all kinds, clears electromagnetic pollution and heals earth energies. [Hall, 183] Keep near microwaves in the kitchen and televisions in living areas. In the workplace Malachite protects against noise, over-bright fluorescent lighting, and harmful rays from technological equipment, negative phone calls and emails. [Eason, 283]As a stone of travel, Malachite protects and overcomes fears of flying if you empower the crystal before a trip by holding it and envisioning yourself in the wings of the Archangel, Raphael. It helps with jet lag, encourages smooth business travel, and protects in travel on congested highways. [Eason, 42, 283]

obsidian snowflake – brings about a balance to body, mind and spirit. Snowflake Obsidian helps to keep centered and focused when any type of chaotic situation (office, commute, home, etc.) presents itself. Snowflake Obsidian can remove negativity from a space or person with ease. Volcanic in origin, Snowflake Obsidian helps to draw emotions to the surface and to examine harmful thought patterns.

Opalite – subtle yet highly energetic.  It is ideal for meditation.  Opalite improves communication on all levels, especially the spiritual.  It removes energy blockages of the chakras and meridians.  Emotionally, Opalite helps by assisting during transitions of all kinds.  It engenders persistence and gives us strength in verbalising our hidden feelings.  It can also help us to be successful in business.

Peridot – stone of transformation, Peridot is excellent for use in recovery from tobacco or inhalant dependencies, as well as other addictions. More importantly, it is a wounded healer stone, serving as a vital guide in facilitating healing processes that help others going through what you have already overcome.

Rhodonite – dispel anxiety and remain centered in challenging situations. It is ideal for alerting one to circumstances where something, or someone, is not as it seems, and provides the “wake up call” needed to do something positive about it. Use Rhodonite to hold back insults and recognize that revenge and retaliation are self-destructive. In times of danger, it is particularly useful to promote calm and to ameliorate panic. [Melody, 564][Melody En, 692][Hall, 247][101 Hall, 170]

Rhodochrosite – helps make one buoyant and cheerful, dynamic and active. It is mentally enlivening, stimulating one’s creativity, dream states and sense of personal power. It allows for spontaneous expression of feelings, and can enhance passion and sexuality. [Gienger, 73][Hall, 245][Ahsian, 328-329]Rhodochrosite is a great stone for calling a new love into one’s life, a friend or a romantic partner that is a soulmate, one who helps us learn necessary lessons for our higher good. This stone can beautifully guide one in the quest for emotional happiness, help one move forward after a period of doubt, and express love toward others without fear of rejection. [Mella, 101][Hall, 244][Eason, 63]

Rose Quartz – in the workplace provides ongoing protection against intrusion and gossip. [Eason, 50] 

Rubellite in Lepidolite

Sugilite – create a warm, protective “shield of Light,” keeping the wearer impervious to negativity and the disharmony of others. In times of discouragement or despair, place Sugilite on the Third Eye to draw in comforting energy and a flow of gentle, loving information from the spiritual world to bring peace and relaxation to the emotional body. [Simmons, 386][Raphaell, 122-123][Melody, 626] 

Sunstone – an abundance stone. It encourages independence and originality, is inspirational in revealing talents, and attracts fame and unexpected prosperity. It is an excellent “good luck” crystal for competitions. [Eason, 116][Melody, 628]

sodalite – bring your attention to the qualities of idealism and truth. Its energy may stimulate you to live up to your own ideals and ideas, about the nature of truth.  It has strong metaphysical properties that may stimulate latent creative abilities and it aids teachers, writers and students to understand the deeper philosophical principles.

Thulite – a stone of nurturing in a deep and full way. It aids understanding and healing the pains and illnesses caused by a lack of nurturing, even abuse. Helps bring nurturing love and understanding of love to one’s life, and can help bring harmony in relationships or communities.

Turquenite – balances and evens out mood fluctuations and brings inner peace. Because the stone is actually howlite, it has the properties of howlite of decreasing an overly critical state of mind, selfishness, stress, pain, and rudeness; increases sublety and tact.

Turquoise – empowers men and women equally, and worn or carried, it is a talisman of luck, success, ambition and creativity. [Eason, 239]

unakite – fosters healthy relationships through balanced emotions. It encourages harmonious partnerships, both in love and in business, and is especially helpful for working closely with a relative or friend where positive personal interactions are vital. [Lembo, 357][Eason, 280]

Metals:

Gold

Silver

Copper

Pewter

Brass

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Results of recent trip and game preview

You can assume from the title of the video that I managed to achieve an almost normal conversation with Wolfe, although I still growled at him at least once.  Caging lions is hazardous, what can I tell you?

Seriously, I think I would like to get on with the work now that I feel slightly less wounded and am not doing anything remotely secretive.

I cannot tell you how much better I feel.  I had a terrible break out of nervous psoriasis because of the stress, but I am not nearly as freaked out as before I went, so the silly thing to do turned out to be the right thing to do, not for the first time.

The game is just in the laying out stage, and the story is likely to be modified to reflect the updated image, which I had been unaware of due to avoiding him.

Ina

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Am I a covert narcissist?

Am I a covert narcissist?

I have just spent another few hours investigating narcissism, and began to wonder in the course of this if I qualified as a covert (shy) cerebral narcissist.  To cut to the chase, I failed to make the grade.

Why?  I failed this test Are you an undercover narcissist?

I qualify as self-centred, but I am a dismal failure as a narc.

It is a bit miraculous, given my family background.  My eldest sister is an overt narcissist, my mother has some narc qualities, but is more complex.  My father was strongly empath.  I have at least two exs with strong markers for covert narcissism.  My brother is an undiagnosed depressive (the NHS prefers to diagnose professional depressives as having ME), and my other sister is so twisted that I have not even begun to figure out what her problem is, beyond the alcohol.

So, from the perspective of someone who has, one way or another, always had to deal with at least one narcissist, it is no wonder that I am always on the look-out for the familiar.

Youtube is a hotbed of information for people who would like to qualify as the victims of narcissism.  Reasons vary from actual abuse, to simply wondering why their text messages are not returned.

Whilst diagnosing your friends and family with personality disorders is always a fun way to spend the afternoon, it does not mean that you can actually do anything about it.  I do not plan to bother telling any of them, since it is not something that you can do terribly much about.  As my father demonstrated, the only thing you can do is avoid them if you can and keep working.

In the event that you are the victim of a narcissist and become aware of it, the best thing to do is get out of the situation, rather than assuming that you can do anything about it or force them to change.  Any self-respecting narc will then simply move on to a more fruitful target, rather than making an endless tit of themselves completing any creative or pop-academic projects. (as I have been doing)

One day, I will be free of this situation and will probably live in penury in a cottage in the middle of nowhere.  I will then struggle to feed my cats and keep a car on the road in the course of putting some work out.  In the meantime, whilst I have access to the university library, I am going to complete the next two big books – both of which require actual research – whilst I finish the Best Ever project.

I have, in the meantime, been getting used to the idea of people looking at me, so I have made a stack of youtube videos, which thankfully few people are watching.  This should desensitize me to the extreme intolerance to people which I seem to have acquired over the last five years or so.  I did not always cringe quite so much, but then I did not always form irrational attachments to people in public. (see previous posts)

I am trying to think how to improve my presentation skills, which I will work on further later on in my rebuild project, as I am still very unhappy about my looks at the moment.  I think it is a case of making a bad video, and then remaking it until it looks better.

As the ‘victim’ of narc abuse since I was about three, I would agree that it can affect your health and self-image, but if it is your family you do not have the option of crumbling and running for help.  You basically grow up knowing that something is wrong.

The head narc in my family used this to indicate that something was wrong with me.  She is still doing it. The only thing I have been able to do to counteract this is cut my siblings out of my life entirely, since the delusion is so deeply engrained (it was also encouraged by my mother)  that there is just no point in even trying to discuss it with anybody.

The point I am trying to make is – you don’t need to choose to be a ‘victim’ of a narcissist.  You can choose to accept that you are dealing with an entirely unreasonable and irrational individual who hates you and lies about it.  Then you can take appropriate action to preserve yourself and any available loved ones as necessary.  I have been saying for many years that if I had any sense I would have got as far away from these people as possible.  If I had done so, there would be nothing left for them to fight about, including no mother and no money.

What does alarm me, is that I have chosen at least one best friend and two boyfriends who were narcs with added violence.  This indicates that I have to select on a more deliberate basis than mere attraction as I am likely to make poor choices. I have also shown some narc tendencies, as I have seen this afternoon.  Led by example, I presume, although unlike the narcs in my life I am entirely capable of being reasonable.  I can also assure you that there is nothing wrong with my empathy or ability to form intimate relationships. I am no angel, but as far as listening to problems is concerned, if anything I have wasted far too much time and energy on it, to the point of taking years to figure out I am being played for a sucker by yet another covert narc!

To conclude, don’t get hysterical about selfish people who throw tantrums and turn the conversation back to something that went wrong long before they met you.  They aren’t all actually monsters.  Sometimes the histrionics can be extremely entertaining.  It is all in your attitude.  If you cannot handle it, you are probably best to just leave.

 

 

 

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On shyness as narcissism

 

In an effort to cure my crippling shyness and move on from the recent past, I have today been researching narcissism.  I found some interesting stuff on shyness as a narcissistic trait.  The theory being that shyness is narcissistic because it indicates that you imagine your presence is important.

I have not always been shy.  I originally worked with the public.  Whilst this was a strain because I am so used to having quite so much alone time, I managed it without too much fuss and was a fairly big personality.  Likewise when I became a head chef, I had no problem learning how to work a room full of male chefs to get the best out of my staff.  I also have little problem trying new things, so evidently I have a form of confidence.  I just don’t particularly like interacting with lots of people.

I am trying to get over this, as I work on the Ina Disguise Entity project, as I think I will call it.  I have been back on my old youtube channel and re-released some old stuff.  I made a couple of videos today.  I still find I am worrying constantly about whether anybody wants to see it, whether it makes sense, whether I should be bothering to try.  I should not be worrying about this.

I made quite a few videos for my friend in London years ago when I first went raw, and found the minute the view count hit 40 I just wanted to take them all back down again.  The thought of people looking at me horrified me.

For the purposes of inventing Ina Disguise as a person I need to start getting over this as quickly as possible, therefore it is important that I work on it.  Making a youtube video should not be a source of quite so much anxiety, especially when you have a very small channel with few viewers.  Nevertheless I have already made and taken down about seven, regardless of the fact they only had one or two viewers.  This is not perfectionism, as anyone who has listened to the Ina Disguise channel can testify, but social anxiety.

In the spirit of making the best use of this anxiety, I am kind of using it as fuel to make me work harder on my appearance.  If I know people will see me, I take a lot more care than if I never see anyone, so it is quite helpful for that.  Having said this, in the event I ever do have to make public presentations, freaking out and going over every word I say over and over again is less than helpful.  I need to lose the hang-ups, basically.  It has become far worse since the family disaster and events of the last decade, so it is something I need to persist in working on.

In the spirit of self-acceptance, it would be nice to forget about it and do back-room types of work, but it does not look as if this is how life is going to work out, so I am going to persist with it. At least it will force me to regard myself as an artwork, which is probably a good thing.  It has, however, created something of a crisis of confidence about my artwork.  I kind of want to make a bonfire with quite a bit of it at the moment.

Shyness as a form of narcissism is a similar concept to caring as a form of self-abuse.  You hand over your life to care for someone else to show what a nice person you are, at your own expense.  It is a very damaging way of expressing yourself, especially when you have at least one real narcissist in your family waiting to criticise your efforts at every opportunity.  It is up to yourself how strong you are in terms of rationalising and taking action to avoid becoming a victim of these things.  I certainly never thought my life would ever end up like this.  It was not what I worked towards at all.

So, the Wolfe-era journey has now led me into very unfamiliar and terrifying terrain.  A lot of self-evaluation and development is still necessary, despite my exploring having gone relatively well so far. The problem with such self-evaluation is that it opens up many cans of worms you don’t really feel like opening, or necessarily really need to open.  I don’t write worrying terribly much about the attitudes of other people, for example, so why would my physical appearance and voice be so different?

All this, I do for a person who will never speak to me again.  I am still being an idiot.  At least I will be a better educated idiot, I suppose.

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Games in Development

OK I was just having a look at Wild West Online, which looks promising, although I will not be participating as I am too busy, and realised that I had not extensively described the ones I am actually working on.  There have been significant delays with the game projects, as I had hoped to send some work to the Gambia, but as this was not possible I had to take care of all of it myself

Best Adventure Ever is the one relevant to the David Wolfe project, and will be suitable for PC, Mac, tablet or mobile.  Although the visual novel is not the perfect format for the original story, I felt this was a good idea for maximum coverage since I am a noob to the games market.  I have not decided on whether to attempt to make any actual money on it as all the work on the Wolfe project is intended to gain reach rather than profit.

It is the separate story of Kira and Sam Redwood, who in terms of graphics freakishly resemble Wolfe and I, in a sort of self hating kind of way, and their progress through a series of dating episodes.  Sub-choices are made via consumption – what you choose to eat, drink and do moves the story along.  As you can see, the graphic quality is rather nice.  Without giving too much away, the game is intended to improve the knowledge and confidence of the player no matter how they feel about themselves, and so I think it is a worthy project.  I don’t know why I still care about doing this for nothing, but never mind.

Mood Machine is a steampunk adventure set in London, and tracks the friendships of young people making their way in a mysterious society where  people have, for a variety of reasons, disappeared or died.  This one is more about psychology and how people interact with one another, and contains rather a lot of nice bits of economic history.

 

The two games are intended as entries into the games market with a view to creating the game I really want to make, which is a much bigger job and will also feature Wolfe.  (this family thing is most inconvenient in terms of game character building, Wolfe)  Although this was also intended to increase his reach, I think I will have to offer avatar selection for this game, and so I may include Icke and Robbins as possible selections and widen the games outlook.  Gamers have been awaiting a decent cult builder for a long time, so I think this is a nice back scratching way of serving the market.

In terms of hold ups, I could do with some technical discussion and I need to build up some more skills to get to this third and most important game.  I have the courses available, but have been significantly delayed in getting on with them, and all of this is secondary to clearing the studio, which needs to happen fairly soon.  I think the first priority is to complete the visual novels and see how that goes.  If it goes well, then full steam ahead with Best Guru Ever.

There is also the risk that Wolfe will object once the game is complete, since he chooses to ignore everything I am doing.  I haven’t hidden any portion of what I am doing, so I suggest if he has any objections, he gets on with making them before I put all this work out.

 

FYI – he will not.  I do not know why he considers it a good idea to ignore work that is being done.  The rule in these circumstances is ‘do it until they stop you’  but it is really a waste of everyone’s time.  Extremely frustrating if you are trying to make things happen and very disheartening.

 

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The Best Friend Ever

Why are you doing this?” Kira was rooted to the spot, too frightened to fight back, trying to rationalise what was happening.

You’re stupid.” Leon ran from the computer towards her and headbutted her for the fourth time.

Kira reeled slightly, but was dimly aware that her enormous bones were considerably stronger than Leon. As he retreated to take another run at her, she tried edging towards the door. Given that the only alternative room was the kitchen, she did not particularly want to lead this episode in that direction. There were knives in there. Her head, bruised from the headbutting and scorched by the two pints of boiling drinks Leon had already thrown at her, was now quite painful, but she had no time to think about that. She tried packing the remains of her stuff into her bag, with a view to leaving.

Stupid, stupid bitch.” Leon continued his tirade, blind with fury after Kira had left an apple core on his new Ikea sideboard.

OK I think it is time for me to leave now.” Kira tried to sound as calm as possible. All she wanted to do was remove herself from the situation. Leon had gone crazy.

This was not entirely a surprise, given the amount of stress Leon had been put through. His family had made horrific accusations against him, to the point that his wife had left him some months before. Kira had done her best to be a good friend to him, in the absence of the ability to make the problem go away entirely. It wasn’t even as if they were in love, particularly. He just didn’t have anyone else. Now she was to be a punchbag, for some reason. Kira picked up her bag swept some of the blood out of her eye, and moved towards the door. Leon was breathing heavily, apparently not seeing a further opportunity to attack her. Hopefully he was tired.

Kira slowly edged towards the front door. She had no idea at this point how badly she was injured. She knew that she had accidentally put diesel in her car the night before, so it was stuck outside the house.

As she descended the stairs, she wiped her hand on the walls. Some brown stuff, presumably brain, was coming out of the wound at her browbone. She wiped it on the wall of the close as she went down. If she died before she made it home, she reasoned, some trace of her DNA would be left. She had better phone the AA to deal with the car.

She stopped at a hostel on the way down the road to ask to use the phone. They took one look at her and refused. Feeling distinctly dizzy, she finally found a phone box a few streets away. She called the AA. Just as she had arranged for someone to come and pick her and the car up, she finally cracked.

I, I’m burning.”

What?” the AA assistant, sitting in her distant office was confused.

The tea had no milk in it, I’m burning. My head, it’s burning.”

What happened?” the AA assistant was even more confused.

Leon, he poured two pints of black tea and coffee over me.” Kira sounded as if this was normal behaviour. “It’s burning.”

OK.” The AA person sounded concerned. “I think you had better get yourself to a hospital. You can call us back about the car later.”

Do you think so? I thought I should sort the car out first?” Kira was genuinely confused. She never mattered more than other things, particularly where money was concerned.

Yes, get yourself to a hospital. I will put your call on the waiting list, don’t worry.” The AA person sounded comforting. “I think you are probably in shock.”

Yes, my head is sore.” Kira put the phone down and staggered out of the phone box into the road. She had been lucky to find one at all.

Some ten minutes later, a kindly taxi driver stopped and bundled her into the back of the taxi. “No charge.” He took her to the local A and E.

An ex-nurse you say? He knew what he was doing. He was trying to destroy your face you know. If your brow bone had shattered, you would have also had brain damage. You need to stay away from him.”

Oh it isn’t a domestic. I split up with him weeks ago. He just went mad. I think I must have made a mess.” Kira started to cry a little as she realised what a mess she must be, given the pain.

Patched up, Kira sorted the car out. It was to be taken to a garage outside Glasgow, and then she decided she would go to Oban until it healed up. She headed over to see Aldous.

What on earth happened to you?” Aldous, usually impassive, looked faintly horrified.

Leon. I have to leave town for a few days until it heals.” Kira rubbed her head.

Leon is a cunt.”

He is just stressed by the allegations. I got him the best lawyer in Scotland you know.” Kira was quite proud of that.

Aldous was open-mouthed. Kira was always stupidly kind, but this was ridiculous. “You should report that. Harry was great friends with David, but he reported him and it wasn’t as bad as this.”

If I do that, he will go straight to jail. I can’t do that.”

He doesn’t deserve your concern.”

Probably not, but right now I just have to hide this from mum, so I have to go.”

I wouldn’t be worried about your mum if I was you.”

Kira had lived in Oban ten years before. She had been recovering from a violent relationship back then, so for some reason it made sense to spend a few days there whilst the burns and wound on her face cleared up. Her first port of call when she got there was the family she had worked for.

No, you can’t come in. You will frighten the customers. Boyfriend did it, I take it?” Malkie, her former friend, stood across the door of the restaurant.

Ex, actually, but it was a kind of random thing. So you are saying I cannot eat here?” Kira was hurt and confused. “You could put me at the back?”

No.”

Kira did not wait to see if he had anything else to say. How appalling. So far this experience had taught her that people did not like trouble, even if you were the victim of it. When she then drank with her former friends, they also assumed that she had somehow caused this. It was to be her last visit to her old stomping ground.

She had stupidly imagined it would look better in a few days. It did not. Kira looked like a lizard for several weeks, and she certainly didn’t feel like meeting any new people, a trait which did not change as the years went on.

Ten years later, Leon emailed to say that the conviction from his family’s false allegations had been overturned. Kira was delighted. His life was still ruined, he would still have the overturned conviction on his record, but at least his name was actually cleared. They went out to celebrate.

What do you mean salad?”

I am a raw foodist these days. Talking of which, would you like to go swimming?” Kira was interested in this Scottish idea that participation in friendship always involved consuming something. It had become apparent that consuming something was also quite a narrow activity in terms of one’s choice.

I’m not sure I can. I’m just out of hospital. Aneurysms. I could be dead any day, you know. I’ll try, though.” Leon seemed a bit more suggestible than usual, even so Kira was aware that you could not tell him anything, so she did not try.

Several weeks of swimming meetings ensued. Leon seemed to think he was in competition with her, and so this became miserable. Kira eventually curtailed their swimming relationship as it was irritating in the extreme, swimming with someone who alternated between accusing her of killing him and competing with her to put her down. It was increasingly apparent that he objected to her diet.

Over the next two years they had an on-off friendship. Leon would turn up, be helpful with her mother, block anything creative she tried to do, especially if it involved any participation, and then she would become irritated and tell him to go away so that she could get some work done. Although Leon was good company, Kira always had the impression that he was waiting for some opportunity to hurt her, and she could not understand why. As there was no-one else in her life, she waited to find out, and watched as he smirked at every change, every contradiction, every bad thing that happened. He would sound so supportive, and yet she knew he was waiting for something….

Kira could not understand why she could not recover from the Sam Redwood incident. She had spoken only briefly to him. He was great fun, but she wasn’t getting much sense out of him. She just wanted to give him some work. She then tried to give him a gift of her artwork, and this was also refused by one of his staff. She felt utterly worthless. Her life had been curtailed by her lack of confidence and her parents’ illnesses, but this had become secondary to this one moment online when Sam had blocked her on Facebook. Everything seemed to end with that. She had been aware all the time that things at home had been getting worse, and yet this one thing haunted her. She struggled to stay healthy, wondering what was the point, since things only seemed to be continuing to get worse. She would never achieve anything, and now she could not even give her work away.

Leon seized his chance. He had not seen Kira for a while, but he knew that she was isolated, frightened and taking care of her mother. He decided to visit, bearing cake.

Please don’t bring cake. Mother gets plenty of cake. You can eat cake at home if you like.” Kira had adopted a policy of ensuring her mother was indulged by choosing items that she knew she would not touch. She knew by Leon’s face that this was deliberate, but she did not know why. She was very tired, and very lonely. Her family were not supportive of her caring for her mother, and so she was in a constant state of terror as she cared for her.

It’s not for you, it is for me and your mother.” Leon’s tone indicated that he was apparently testing her, somehow.

I live here too, and if I am not well, none of us can be here because it won’t exist.” Kira had worked too long and hard on her health not to put up some kind of resistance.

I could be dead any day. Your mother likes cake. I will do what I like.” Leon’s face was contorted with a strange expression of smug rage as he created this odd stand-off.

Kira suspected that this was simply an opportunity for conflict. She looked at the kitchen. Could she remove him quickly without causing any stress to her mother? Her mother liked him. He was a well trained nurse after all. She stood in the kitchen, confused by her mannerly upbringing. Why would a cake be a reason to physically remove someone from your home?

She guessed she should probably just let him do it, but tried to stand her ground anyway. “This is my home. Please do not bring cake if you are visiting.”

Leon was, by now, eating his cake with her mother. They looked very happy. Kira felt terribly depressed. She had already explained to him that even one mouthful of bread could set her off on several years of bad eating. He knew that she had a problem. Why was he trying to force the issue, over and over again?

The third time he did it, Kira had some too. After this Leon and Kira would go and buy ingredients and Kira would cook for him. She had no life to speak of, nobody cared about her, and Leon was extremely keen on eating, whether this was out or in. Kira’s weight started to balloon.

Three years later, and despite eating much the same thing, Leon had gained 14lb and Kira had gained 140lb. They wondered why this would be? Several times during this period Leon would ask her to cut new notches in his belts, to show how much thinner he was and put her down further, especially around her birthdays. He would also refer to his fertility in response to her worries about aging and not having any children because of her fear of relationships and not getting out. Why was he doing this?

After she had had oral surgery, he also felt the need to attack her again, this time shouting about her being a bully. Kira now wondered why he was so fixated? She was aware of not feeling at all safe, but since he was such charming company at other times, she could not pinpoint why this would be? She had tried involving him in more constructive projects, but he would always find ways of delaying or preventing them. What was going on? Kira noted that he always had the same expression as he did it.

The last straw finally came when Leon accused her of having an eating disorder as she explained to him for the umpteenth time why it was not acceptable to bring things into people’s home when they have asked you not to. It was at best mannerless, she said and at worst to be considered another assault. It was the height of disrespect, she said. He had sullied the somewhat shaky safety of her home, and for what? The gift of his frightening company? In what way was eating healthily, so that you did not succumb to stroke or a heart attack, an eating disorder? Why could he not understand that being well was better than being ill? Why did everyone else’s pleasure have to be at Kira’s expense, especially when her life had long since failed?

Kira no longer had a choice. She would have to repair her health, or die having done little that she had actually wanted to do before circumstances had overtaken her. It would probably be her last great project. Financially questionable, but this time entirely necessary. Leon would have to go. Permanently. Even thinking about it caused her cortisol levels to drop and her weight to improve.

Sometimes, Kira realised, friendship is a matter of life or death, however subtle and educated the abuse.

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