Ina the steamroller

Work has now begun in earnest on the games.  I had the graphics prepared, but I am now having to rename about a thousand pictures so that the scripts can handle them.  I cannot tell you how mind numbing it is even to organise the files when you have them.

I also want to get rid of the preparation work for the Boris Johnson book, so that I can get back to doing my academic reading for the original book.

Why I needed Wolfe’s approval to write the book I do not know, but apparently I did.  The previous stabbing pain every time I thought about it has gone, and I am quite keen to get on with it, to the point of resurrecting a positively ancient computer to get the old files so that I do not have to retype the material I have left.

For those regular readers who assume that I have some sinister motives about this, that is not the point of me at all.  Please feel free to listen to the following audio:

 

That is the point of the work I am doing.  It is nothing to do with seduction and everything to do with immortality and the divine inspirational spirit.

When I say this, I do not strictly mean that I am ‘moved by the spirit, man.’  I mean that you follow an inspirational path where it leads as long as it benefits you and the other party.  Where I refer to the beloved, it simply means the recipient of love, rather than implying any relationship that does not exist.  I think I have been very clear everywhere that there is no relationship between Wolfe and I at all, except in my imagination.

What I have to do now, is stop thinking about it, and do the work.  Time will tell if it has any outcome at all, but now that I feel free to do it, it is going to get done with as much efficiency as I can manage.

Looking forward to releasing some artwork shortly, which will mark the beginning of the Boris Johnson period.

 

Continue Reading

Reflection is over-rated

Today I had to wait in a lot for various phone calls.  I have edited a few stories, which rather alarmed me as I thought I had caught all my spare commas.  The cats have been patted, the errands have been run, and I have reflected far too much.

The last few months have been rather eventful.  I have lost 60lb, gone to see somebody I was trying to avoid, been through a mammoth battle for my mother’s health, which is still apparently ongoing, and had to suffer the invasion of my home by allegedly well-meaning infiltrators who want to tell me how to live my life.  You would never guess that I have a brain at all.  I have also had to tell my last remaining offline friend not to return, partially because of the now perpetual drama and interference, which could conceivably kill him with stress, (he was already hospitalised once with the effects, and I was not going to allow this to happen again) and partially because the friendship, whilst good for him, was very bad for me.

Any one of these things would take their toll on a person, never mind all of them, but I have responded reasonably well I think.  The trick now is to avoid reflection.

I don’t want to think about the years since my father died.  I want to move on, create some great work, write a beautiful book or three, and ensure that my mother has as peaceful a life as possible.  Thanks to her unconventional diet, she is stable.  The NHS hate this, but apparently they will have to learn to live with it.  I dread to think how fast she will die in the event that she has to go anywhere else, however, as even the three days that I was effectively absent from caring for her caused a dip.

My friend from the Gambia is trying to worm his way back in to chatting with me every night.  I have no idea what benefit he thinks he will derive from achieving his aim.  I assume he thinks that I am rich.  It certainly isn’t because he wants to do any work.  We have already established this.  Why I am to sit and wait for his next crisis and provide I do not know.  I have no beanstalk in my garden, and alas no magic beans.

In a week or so I am hoping that I will be able to release the first pieces in the Boris Johnson collection.  They are looking rather nice, but there is still a lot of work to do as my studio is rather small for furniture.  I have some lining work to do, which I hate, and about seven days of sewing on the carpet for it.  In the meantime, I am in a writing mood, so I think I will make a start on the book for the Boris collection.  There will also have to be some short stories, and a new series will commence for the release of these.

I am also planning to do some further releases on Amazon.  I notice that somebody has pirated some work of mine on there already, so I have to go through their rather cumbersome copyright process.  I was ignoring it because whoever-it-is is presumably publicising my books, and I thought I would just let them.

All in all, I don’t think I should waste any more time than I have already wasted on reflection.  I don’t particularly envy anyone, and I think things happen for good reasons.  You cannot underestimate your own significance, however. I am feeling rather more inclined to be noisier than I used to be, which can only be a good thing given the very large task ahead.

Continue Reading

Authors and ideas

Authors and ideas

Am I the only person that finds images of shirtless men on the cover of a book a sure signal that I will never want to read anything by that author?

Am I the only person that finds stories of extra-marital affairs, alpha billionaires and taboo relationships depressing?

Am I the only person that could cheerfully never read anything involving warlocks or wizards?

All of the above seem to have brat packs of authors who roam my timeline in droves, until I eventually unfollow them all.  I cannot be the only person that feels like this? They are very good at supporting one another, however, and I regularly see them gleefully exchanging reviews when they bring out another of their titles.

They even have this thing called a ‘cover reveal’ before releasing these works of brilliance.

I am, for the moment, also a member of ‘Writer’s Group’ on Facebook, a group so vicious that it appears to be a forum for mutual stabbing between chapters.  Only today, I was attacked by a woman with a rather spurious grasp of reality challenging some comments I had made about book marketing on the grounds that I had apparently failed to take the Medieval period into account when talking about writing and marketing.  My response was that her queries were about as relevant as asking how many pre-1960 paperbacks had survived until the present day.  (It is also rather ironic that she picked someone with an advanced knowledge of Medieval history, particularly in relation to art for this ridiculous challenge)

Writers, as far as I can see from this and previous experience, are an odd bunch.  The people who like to write copious amounts of trash like to give you advice in order to absorb you into a herd of equally miserable and unimaginative people, and the others tend to roam alone, seeking validation from the occasional lonely paragraph.  I also see a lot of people trying to write before they have lived much of a life, which causes them no end of heartbreak when they hit a writer’s block.

There are many people who have a very limited life and write beautifully, but sometimes you need to grow into your ideas.  My original book, now that I have taken it out and looked at it again, is a lofty challenge requiring precise organisation, and I feel I have a better grasp of what I am trying to achieve.

You could try to argue that I am benefiting from the distance of time.  You could say that I now have more writing experience, but you would be incorrect about both of those things because that is not the reason I can easily let go of a chapter or two.

Because it had morphed from a health database to a holistic tome about obesity, to a massive state of the nation style commentary, it had some scattiness.  I have now, looking over it again, pinpointed exactly what I wanted to do with it and where the weaknesses were.

The overarching theme of the last few years has been weakness.  Weakness for food, weakness for emotion, weakness for not accepting the inevitable.  Chopping out the dead wood makes my ideas stronger, makes my book and I more likely to succeed.

Chopping out the dead wood is never a pleasant process, in life or in writing.  Focusing on what you really want, rather than what you actually need is also a most unpleasant process.  In my present lonely state, it is not easy to shut everyone out, but in a creative sense, it is the only thing that makes sense.  It is too important not to let my higher self take over whilst I have the luxury of time to make my vision happen.

Vision is a strange thing.  When it is thwarted for a long time, it causes an almost physical pain.  I cannot force this plant, because to make it grow it requires the attention of more than one gardener.  What I can do is give it the best possible chance of thriving, and to do this I apparently have to be alone for the moment.  I cannot tell you how this fills me with despair.  Nevertheless, after several wasted years of self-abuse to avoid feeling anything, I now feel something.  I look about ten years younger than I did last week just admitting it.

And yet, the answer is more seclusion, probably on a permanent basis.

 

 

 

Continue Reading

The Gift and implications thereof

Mauss The Gift on wikipedia

Mauss The Gift

Mauss is interesting about gifts.  His idea is, broadly speaking, that capitalists do not like presents and will actively avoid them if they fear the risk of reciprocity.

The principle of my artwork is not reciprocity.  The idea is more that I am leaving a souvenir. A token of my appreciation in this case.

I have found over the years that people react in a variety of ways, often these ways are negative.  The gift is sometimes seen as an invasion, a focus for their negative feelings, and a source of blame.  There must be something wrong with me as gift giver, there must be something sinister about my intentions.

As there has usually been some history between me and the recipient, and the history is generally pretty odd, as histories go, sometimes the gift seems like the last thing I should do.

Speaking as the giver, that is irrelevant.  If you are a source of inspiration, I feel it is only fair that you get something for the rollercoaster that has gone with being the focus of my attention.  I am a difficult creature, and even if you have not been aware of my being difficult, I am, and so I like to give gifts.

In the most recent case, I have restrained myself somewhat and given a small but meaningful gift, with the intention of a bigger gift later.  In this way I am preparing to go to war with some pretty dark forces, and my hope is that the most recent recipient, who understands the need for it, will take this as a symbol of hope whilst I work on the weapons.

Anyway, I hope that my gift has not caused too many problems, and wish you every happiness with it.

Toodle pip,

 

Ina

Honey I made you an icon replacement page

 

Continue Reading

Honey I made you an icon replacement page

The box took four months to make, I have included the stones because I know reiki fans will like to see what I am actually saying to him.

Honey, I made you an icon as a title was intended to reflect ‘Honey, I shrunk the kids’ rather than meaning anything more significant, although  it could be taken in several ways, all of which are applicable.

The style is intended to be early medieval/childlike, which has been a feature of the Sheep in Wolfe’s clothing collection, and so it is a pretty relaxed piece of work.

The box appears to be functional orgonite, although a Gauss meter will be required to verify this.  All I can tell you is that I stored it in a room that I previously avoided in the house, and I now spend most of my time there.

This is the first time I have been able to give a gift and not had a massive argument, accusations of madness or otherwise vile behaviour associated with it.  Previous problems included having to sneak into people’s workplaces and leaving things under their desks and hiding the fact that I made anything at all.

Considering that I tried to give Wolfe a much bigger present previously, and had a ridiculous number of problems with trying to deliver it, this is particularly remarkable.

The short story Romance meets Death has more about my process if interested, and it is free.

Orgonite Box, made for David Wolfe. Gems include

Crazy Lace agate – Protection from Evil Eye, Decision-making, Focus – Laughter Stone

Agate – Protection, Calming, Courage – motivated, creative, and productive

Blue lace agate – Gentleness, Tranquility, Communication

Moss agate – corrects left-right brain imbalances and stimulates creativity. Spiritual metaphysical properties aid abundance and attract nature spirits

Amazonite – Stone of Courage and the Stone of Truth

Amethyst – intellectual and cerebral thought

Aquamarine – calming, soothing, and cleansing, and inspires truth, trust and letting go

Aventurine –  “Stone of Opportunity,” thought to be the luckiest of all crystals, especially in manifesting prosperity and wealth, or for increasing favor in competitions or games of chance

bloodstone – carries the purity of blood and inherently speaks of life and birth, vitality and strength, passion and courage

Bismuth – energy and vitality and can help you to achieve your goals, especially when working as part of a team. It can be used to support transformation by aiding travel between the physical plane and realms of astral and spirit. It can also help with visualisation while shamanic journeying. Bismuth aids in relieving feelings of overwhelm, isolation and loneliness.

Calcite – symbolizes cleansing. This is the perfect crystal to have with you when you’re looking for a big change in your life, or when you need to make a fresh new start.This crystal will amplify the flow of energy in your body and help you with your mental expansion. There will be a shift in your perspective, and there will be a renewed sense of commitment in you that will make anything you want to do possible.

carnelian – the singer’s stone – said to attract prosperity, new resources and good luck. It is a talisman for success in any money-making venture. In the workplace, it is a crystal of ambition, drive and determination, and wards off undue pressures of co-workers or impersonal corporations with unrealistic expectations.

Citrine Quartz – The Merchant’s Stone for its properties of increase in the cashbox, sparkling yellow Citrine not only assists in acquiring wealth, but helps in maintaining it. [Melody, 209] It is a stone of abundance and manifestation, attracting wealth and prosperity, success and all things good. It also encourages generosity and sharing good fortune

Fluorite – will help you know when there are external forces trying to control or manipulate you, and it can effectively shut down any kind of mental or psychic manipulation. This is a particularly useful crystal to have at work when you are surrounded by hostile or opposing forces. It’s also a powerful crystal to ward off negative energies that threaten your personal relationships. Fluorite can get rid of any electromagnetic fog that can attract or retain negative energies and make you feel psychically, emotionally, or mentally lethargic.

Garnet – utilization of creative energy. It grounds spirit forces within the body and helps in the ability to work lovingly on the physical plane. Garnet is a sensual stone. It represents primordial fire, the creation of the world out of chaos, purification and love. It is a stone of strong, intense feelings.

Gold Tiger’s eye – bringing sharpness to one’s inner vision and better understanding of the cause and effect of each situation. It encourages one to use their powers wisely, and allows scattered information to be brought together to a cohesive whole.

Green Garnet – a stone of confidence, and stability in challenges. It is said to be particularly beneficial and stabilizing in lawsuits. Green Garnet is used for manifestation and both physical and spiritual abundance. It is also a stone of service, enhancing one’s will and ability to serve and energizing cooperative efforts. Green Garnet is a fertility stone and said to particularly enhance fertility when one meditates upon it.

Glass –

Hematite – a good stone for organizing one’s thoughts and developing logical thinking skills

Hiddenite – dispels negativity, shielding the body’s aura from unwanted energies and mental influences, and dispelling attached entities. It also works in the environment to block geopathic stress. Wear as a pendant or tape to a cell phone or other electromagnetic devices

Howlite – It will give you the gift of wisdom and enlightenment. It can help you connect to higher realms and remove the veils that are blocking the truths in your life. Howlite is a great tool to have during meditation because it can help you focus your mind. It can promote serenity of mind and remove any kind of distracting thought.

Jade – “Dream Stone,” revered in ancient cultures, as well as today, to access the spiritual world, gain insight into ritualistic knowledge, encourage creativity, and dream-solve. [Melody, 341][Raphaell, 161] It is cherished as a protective talisman, assuring long life and a peaceful death, and is considered a powerful healing stone. [Mella, 87] An amulet of good luck and friendship,

Red Jasper – Stone of Endurance, a gentle, but vital, stimulator of chi, or Life Force, bringing physical strength and energy, stamina, focus and determination. Its steady frequency calms the emotional body creating a lasting, stable energy for improving health or overcoming illness, setting goals and following through to completion, facing unpleasant tasks and having the courage to rectify wrongs

Yellow Jasper – a talisman of protection and discernment, utilized by priests, shamans and spirit guides to guard man in both his physical travels, as well as his spiritual journeys. It provided inner strength and mental clarity, and its slow, stabilizing energy makes it equally valued today for those same properties. It holds a deep connection to the Earth and is a marvelous aid for grounding and insight in spiritual work, mind travel or deep meditations. Yellow Jasper stimulates the Solar Plexus Chakra and amplifies self-confidence and courage, bringing energy and enthusiasm to one’s life and relationships. Its energies are particularly effective in revealing false people and for deflecting jealousy or spite

Kunzite – calms nervousness during an examination, interview or assessment, and is useful in situations where you cannot show irritation

Rare fusion of hiddenite and kunzite

Lapis Lazuli – a powerful crystal for activating the higher mind and enhancing intellectual ability. It stimulates the desire for knowledge, truth and understanding, and aids the process of learning. It is excellent for enhancing memory. [Simmons, 227][Ahsian, 228] A stone of truth, Lapis encourages honesty of the spirit, and in the spoken and written word. Wear it for all forms of deep communication. It is also a stone of friendship and brings harmony in relationships.

Lepidolite – a wonderful stone for promoting joy, gratitude, and self-love, yet all in an extremely calm and serene way.

Malachite – a protection stone, absorbing negative energies and pollutants from the atmosphere and from the body. It guards against radiation of all kinds, clears electromagnetic pollution and heals earth energies. [Hall, 183] Keep near microwaves in the kitchen and televisions in living areas. In the workplace Malachite protects against noise, over-bright fluorescent lighting, and harmful rays from technological equipment, negative phone calls and emails. [Eason, 283]As a stone of travel, Malachite protects and overcomes fears of flying if you empower the crystal before a trip by holding it and envisioning yourself in the wings of the Archangel, Raphael. It helps with jet lag, encourages smooth business travel, and protects in travel on congested highways. [Eason, 42, 283]

obsidian snowflake – brings about a balance to body, mind and spirit. Snowflake Obsidian helps to keep centered and focused when any type of chaotic situation (office, commute, home, etc.) presents itself. Snowflake Obsidian can remove negativity from a space or person with ease. Volcanic in origin, Snowflake Obsidian helps to draw emotions to the surface and to examine harmful thought patterns.

Opalite – subtle yet highly energetic.  It is ideal for meditation.  Opalite improves communication on all levels, especially the spiritual.  It removes energy blockages of the chakras and meridians.  Emotionally, Opalite helps by assisting during transitions of all kinds.  It engenders persistence and gives us strength in verbalising our hidden feelings.  It can also help us to be successful in business.

Peridot – stone of transformation, Peridot is excellent for use in recovery from tobacco or inhalant dependencies, as well as other addictions. More importantly, it is a wounded healer stone, serving as a vital guide in facilitating healing processes that help others going through what you have already overcome.

Rhodonite – dispel anxiety and remain centered in challenging situations. It is ideal for alerting one to circumstances where something, or someone, is not as it seems, and provides the “wake up call” needed to do something positive about it. Use Rhodonite to hold back insults and recognize that revenge and retaliation are self-destructive. In times of danger, it is particularly useful to promote calm and to ameliorate panic. [Melody, 564][Melody En, 692][Hall, 247][101 Hall, 170]

Rhodochrosite – helps make one buoyant and cheerful, dynamic and active. It is mentally enlivening, stimulating one’s creativity, dream states and sense of personal power. It allows for spontaneous expression of feelings, and can enhance passion and sexuality. [Gienger, 73][Hall, 245][Ahsian, 328-329]Rhodochrosite is a great stone for calling a new love into one’s life, a friend or a romantic partner that is a soulmate, one who helps us learn necessary lessons for our higher good. This stone can beautifully guide one in the quest for emotional happiness, help one move forward after a period of doubt, and express love toward others without fear of rejection. [Mella, 101][Hall, 244][Eason, 63]

Rose Quartz – in the workplace provides ongoing protection against intrusion and gossip. [Eason, 50] 

Rubellite in Lepidolite

Sugilite – create a warm, protective “shield of Light,” keeping the wearer impervious to negativity and the disharmony of others. In times of discouragement or despair, place Sugilite on the Third Eye to draw in comforting energy and a flow of gentle, loving information from the spiritual world to bring peace and relaxation to the emotional body. [Simmons, 386][Raphaell, 122-123][Melody, 626] 

Sunstone – an abundance stone. It encourages independence and originality, is inspirational in revealing talents, and attracts fame and unexpected prosperity. It is an excellent “good luck” crystal for competitions. [Eason, 116][Melody, 628]

sodalite – bring your attention to the qualities of idealism and truth. Its energy may stimulate you to live up to your own ideals and ideas, about the nature of truth.  It has strong metaphysical properties that may stimulate latent creative abilities and it aids teachers, writers and students to understand the deeper philosophical principles.

Thulite – a stone of nurturing in a deep and full way. It aids understanding and healing the pains and illnesses caused by a lack of nurturing, even abuse. Helps bring nurturing love and understanding of love to one’s life, and can help bring harmony in relationships or communities.

Turquenite – balances and evens out mood fluctuations and brings inner peace. Because the stone is actually howlite, it has the properties of howlite of decreasing an overly critical state of mind, selfishness, stress, pain, and rudeness; increases sublety and tact.

Turquoise – empowers men and women equally, and worn or carried, it is a talisman of luck, success, ambition and creativity. [Eason, 239]

unakite – fosters healthy relationships through balanced emotions. It encourages harmonious partnerships, both in love and in business, and is especially helpful for working closely with a relative or friend where positive personal interactions are vital. [Lembo, 357][Eason, 280]

Metals:

Gold

Silver

Copper

Pewter

Brass

Continue Reading

Results of recent trip and game preview

You can assume from the title of the video that I managed to achieve an almost normal conversation with Wolfe, although I still growled at him at least once.  Caging lions is hazardous, what can I tell you?

Seriously, I think I would like to get on with the work now that I feel slightly less wounded and am not doing anything remotely secretive.

I cannot tell you how much better I feel.  I had a terrible break out of nervous psoriasis because of the stress, but I am not nearly as freaked out as before I went, so the silly thing to do turned out to be the right thing to do, not for the first time.

The game is just in the laying out stage, and the story is likely to be modified to reflect the updated image, which I had been unaware of due to avoiding him.

Ina

Continue Reading

In 48 hours time

In 48 hours time it will all be over, and I will probably be on my way back here, having been ignored again.

In 48 hours time I will have been reminded, yet again, how insignificant I am and be berating myself for having bothered to try and change anything.

In 48 hours time I will hate myself for having spent money I do not have on something I should not have felt the need to do.

In 48 hours time I will be trying to figure out how I can modify my existing work to remove anything that might cause me problems later.

In 48 hours time I will feel very guilty about trying to change anything.

Hopefully I will not try and throw out my work again, because I obviously want to do it.  Why I need anyone’s approval I do not know.  I just know I feel very sad already, and the worst has not even happened yet.

There is a simple solution to all of this, and that is to modify everything to remove all traces of Wolfe, and do the work on the basis that nobody will be interested in it anyway.

I have to say, for an author who has amassed 30,000 readers in four years, I am feeling rather down on myself.  I do not feel I have achieved anything of note, my work is mainly scribbling, and I see no evidence of anybody sufficiently enthusiastic to be waiting for the next thing to come along.  Therefore Ina is still a nothing, despite some effort.  I would not claim that it is a lot of effort, as I have witnessed people who put in a lot of effort, and I neither have the time nor apparently the drive to put sufficient into the project.

It has not helped that I have spent the last four years with two people who are more concerned with themselves than anything progressive or external, and that I was too sad/unmotivated to do anything about it.  I am shocked when I see myself four years ago, at the damage this has done to me.

Maybe this dip is self-protective.  If I do not expect anything, then I will not be so gutted when I fail.

I wish the ending of this story was not so inevitable.

Continue Reading

Altruism as insanity

Finally managed to talk to a friend about my current plans and the conversation was as bonkers as ever.

In the meantime, I constructed a note for Wolfe to indicate that I am at the event, should I make it so that he doesn’t have to see or talk to me unless he wants to.  Why am I so apologetic about this?  I have been extremely patient, his entourage seem to think I am made of some sort of shit, and I have been waiting to provide him with some quality material that he doesn’t even have to pay for for several years.  Apart from some choice words, I have nothing to apologise to Wolfe for.  Every bit of sour has been compensated for with sweet at other times.

Anyway, she harped back to a friend of hers who had become ‘obsessed’ with a Slovenian singer, who then used her very polite sounding obsession to make a name for himself by pointing a finger at her.

Yeah, its a dog eat dog world out there and doing anything is utterly pointless.  May I point out that this is why the planet is in the state it is in?  If everybody continues to function in this egocentric and stupid way, the whole world will end up looking like the USA and nobody creative will bother doing anything.  I am sure this will suit some people, especially those who make a living by talking about having read a book once, but it will not actually make life better.

I frankly do not care about Wolfe’s private life that he didn’t tell anyone about.  I do not care about the unhappy woman that caused me years of pain with her bullshit, and I do not care if he is worth 10c or $200 million.  None of these things matter.  All that matters is that I can see a problem that nobody else seems to be addressing and that I actually deal with it.  It affects everyone, and it affects the future.  In the unlikely event that he actually listens to me, it will also make Wolfe a little bit less obscure.

Why I am to be reduced to being referred to as ‘a fan in denial’ and sitting at an event that I may not even be able to cope with listening to (for a variety of reasons)  I do not know.  Maybe people, whether they know me or not, should try a bit of fucking respect for a change.  Maybe I should just stop bothering at all.

In the last few years, because of shit like this I have been reduced from a proud, intelligent hardworking individual to a brainless blob, mired in bullshit that benefits everyone but me.  I am tired of it.  I am not a bimbo, I have no respect whatsoever for fame, and I have a job to do.  Just let me do it already.

 

Continue Reading